The Way I See It

It is raining moderately on the quiet part of Tokyo. I sit here, on the corner of our favorite café, waiting for Natsume to finish ordering. The glass windows are moist that it tempts me to write something on it. I write the date today as it is very important. Every day is important actually and I just want to remind myself about the days. In less than a year now, I will be out of school and will belong to the group of people looking for a professional job. It's not something I look forward to, really. I'd rather be in school, hemorrhaging from doing thesis than put into practice what I've learned from the past years. But that is never an option for anyone else especially to my parents.

Natsume returns to his seat, in his hands are our favorite drinks from this café. I grab mine quickly and sip from it with the hope that caffeine and sugar will help me relieve the stress I am experiencing. Natsume is oriented what our topic today will be. I barely see him because of his classes and work on their own company. We only communicate on calls, hardly on texts. He insists he likes to hear my voice as much as possible. It's sweet and I don't complain because I desire for his voice, too. It relieves me to know he is safe and always there.

I steal a bite from his delectable cinnamon bread, earning myself his trademark glare. He's trying the best he can to fulfill his boyfriend duties but being so busy takes our own personal time. Today is a Sunday and fortunately his father gave a day off for tomorrow. Natsume's father is strict but reasonable unlike mine.

"Dad wants me to work abroad. He says he's willing to pay a big amount of money just to bring me there. It's bad enough he forced me to take this course and now he's planning my future."

I notice Natsume's grip on his drink tighten. The news surprise him as it did to me. He is aware that my father is a freak when it comes to gripping our lives but this is the most threatening control my father did. And we both know my father, when he says it, he will do it.

"I want you to stay but I don't want to be selfish."

What's selfish on wanting me to stay? Can't he see it's better that way?

"Why can't he let me do this my way? This is my life."

Natsume drinks his bitter-looking coffee and leans on his back. "Basically, because you let him."

"You think this is my fault?" I point at myself, quite aggravated at what he said.

"No, but you let him. You just can't say 'no, I don't want that.'"

"And disappoint them then take it all on me?" I supply.

My parents have the habit of pinpointing faults. I remember the time when I refused to follow their instructions, I got into different kinds of trouble and never heard the end of it. That is their parenting style. To command their daughter because they think they know better. No doubts parents know better most of the time but who else knows ourselves better than ours?

"Exactly. You complain about them controlling your life and yet you don't do something."

"I tried but I failed," I mutter darkly.

"I think you are better than that."

My head on the side, I try not to look him in the eyes. I feel so small now that Natsume gangs up on me. At least I thought, he will back me up to this parent problem I'm having. "Maybe I'm not," I say.

"Yes, you are."

This is what my personality of being hopeful and determined does to Natsume. He thinks I'm the kind of girl without impossibilities when in fact I'm not and never will be. Because I saved him from being anti-social and gave color to his life don't mean that I can do everything. I hit the table slightly just to release my fume. He stays calm and unaffected. I wonder if he knows how serious this is. What I'm complaining about now can happen in less than two years.

"My life is a mess, Natsume. I don't like what I'm doing that is why I always messed up in practical exams. Every day, I'm forced to finish something I didn't start in the first place. I'm struggling just to survive this. I hate my life." He stirs at my words. He looks worried so I continued. "If I do something that they don't like, they scold me for it and even giving me the worst thing that could happen from my decision. I can't do this, I can't do that. What can I do?!"

My voice is abnormally loud but I doubt the others care and there aren't many people today because of the rain. I'm clutching my shirt, hitting the table, looking angry, fidgeting, and frustrated as I explain to him my current emotion.

"If I refuse Dad, he'll get angry on me. He'll get angry on Mom. He gets angry on everyone. He starts shouting, throwing things, saying unnecessary details that are very unlikely to happen. Natsume, he thinks he owns my life."

I can cry in here but I try my best not to because I don't want Natsume to worry beyond his capabilities. All these emotions building up on me are hard to handle but I can manage. Hopefully.

"What about your Mom?" he asks as if he doesn't know the answer.

"As usual, she has no say in this. She just lets Dad control all of our lives."

He nods and turns his body in half, perfect position for him to watch the rainfall. "All the more reason I want to escape with you."

Natsume always proposes for us to have a life in another city but that's only possible when we are both stable. We both want forever as mushy it sounds. Our relationship is not as velvety as ice cream. It's a long road filled with smooth and rough paths. Our story started long before we got aware of it and that long wait made this relationship stronger. When I look at him now, I cannot ask for more. I love every bit of him. His issues, flaws, and perfection. Our personalities clash and we fight about the tiniest things but we want this.

"Now that I think of it, our future together requires us to be working people."

"You can do it, Polka. It's too late to back out now but in the future you can start doing what you really like."

Natsume has a point there. It's useless stop now especially I'm entering my last year, money had been spent, and going back to the start will be tougher. The timing is not right and it can cause my parents' explosion which I'm avoiding at the moment. If I will rebel against them, I will do it silently and not too harshly.

"Is my situation too hopeless for you?" I ask childishly, both hands under my chin.

He smiles knowingly at me like I should know better. "Actually, it's the opposite. You have a future ahead."

"Are you sure?"

Doubting myself is the only thing I'm capable now because I can't think of anything else but putting myself down. Asking Natsume is the most assuring way because he doesn't lie when it comes to things like this. No, he is not the most honest person around but he tells the truth for the sake of it.

"It's the way I see it."

"Right now you are the only thing that makes sense to my life," I admit.

My parents and I are not on the best terms, I don't love the course I'm taking in school, I'm in the middle of a crisis but beyond all of that is Natsume. He would always say that he's lucky to have me when I am luckier to have him. He keeps me sane and happy despite of everything. He is the rational part I'd forgotten a long time ago. He keeps me whole.

"It's your last year in college so hold on for a little while. Yes, it's a struggle especially you don't like what you do but it already grew on you. You like your classmates, right? Your teachers are great. It's safe to conclude that you enjoy school."

"I do. But the pressure gets on me, like they can do that well and I can't."

"We can't be good at everything," he drawls out.

I narrow my eyes on him. "I beg to disagree," I say, smirking with all my might.

He ignores my comment.

"The only way you can enjoy things is when you accept them. Finish college, pass the boards, and when you are ready face you parents. By then, I'm sure you would really know what you like."

"Can I do that?"

"No doubt. If things get out of hand, I'll be there."

"In a heartbeat?" with a smile, I ask.

He pats me on the head. "Like a lightning," he clears.

Natsume keeps his word always and that is one thing I'm sure of him. The definition of love we can offer to people is unlikely to be the same. We have a unique love story that I'm really proud of. Before, I want a man who can make me laugh and make my fairytale dreams come true. Those princesses I've watched from childhood made me hoped that one day I'll find my Prince Charming too. But I found a complete opposite. Natsume is not a prince and he doesn't need to be. I almost forgot that the most important of the story is how the prince saves the princess. That's what happened.

He's my own version of prince. The way he saves me everyday can beat any childhood love story.

"Thank you for always being there, Natsume. Even though you're busy and you have problems on your own."

"Let's just say we are practicing."

"For the future?" I ask just to tease him.

"What else?"

I'm taken aback. Here I am, thinking my future with him with the thought I'm the only one doing it but no. he really wants to be with me and that is so much sweeter than cakes and balloons. We're young, still under 20 and yet we're so sure that we will grow old together.

"I'm actually excited spending the rest of my life with you," I declare.

He smiles at me, melting my heart and malfunctioning my brain. We don't exchange I love yous frequently and in our relationship action speaks louder than words. I would not have it the other way around even so. We're still far from settling down but I can already see it. Natsume is the only boy I know who listens to family and girl problems and give advices about it. He really cares and doesn't pretend to do so. How mushy I am.

"You're not the only one. I couldn't even wait for the future to happen."

END

This one-shot actually had a background. Based on real life, some parts of it. For so long, I wanted to release the doubts and problems I'm experiencing but couldn't find a place where so I decided to make a story about it, on some parts of it. This was my way of release. And if ever you can relate to it or learned something from it, let me know. : )