First off, yep the title of this chapter has tits in it. Let's all take a moment to enjoy that, shall we? *enjoys* Okay, back to the story…What? Like there was anything more to say past tits. Come on now. And what's important is that Brittany agrees with me. I speak in only Brittany approved logic. ;)

Enjoy!

Chapter 4: Bosom Buddies

"You like her."

"What?" Brittany's head lifted from the Lisa Frank inspired pillow on her bed.

"You do. The feisty, bitchy, super mean woman who treated you like crap on your own doorstep but looked super fine doing it - You like her."

"I just think she's super hot. I don't know her enough to actually… like her…You even think she's hot so-"

"Yeah, but I don't wanna bang her like you do."

"And? So what?" Brittany shrugged.

"You know what. You're moping over a girl who you don't know at all, other than that she's a cold bitch yet super fuckable. You don't just think she's hot - you like her. It was like at first sight. And I think we should go over there and-"

"Holly, I've barely spoken to her and she already thinks I'm stupid."

"No, she's just baffled by you, and has the manners of a two month old who pees on you when you're just trying to change its diaper." It goes without saying, I had never been described in a more sensuous manner.

"She won't even come to our picnic."

"But Dave will and if Dave shows up and she finds out he showed up, then she WILL show up. Sure, she might be clothed," Brittany frowned deeply. "But still, she'll show up and then you can totally lay your bicorn charm on her."

"Hey," Sam popped his head in the door. "Slumber party?"

"No, just trying to get Brittany to stop moping over the bitchy hot girl from across the street."

"Why would you mop?" He walked in eating his entire apple in a bite and a half; courtesy of his giant humongo mouth. "You always get whoever you want. Boys, girls…that Unique chick. Everybody. You're a charming gal Britt and if I wasn't totally like your brother, went black back in high school and never went back, and super used to seeing you naked; my Avatar boxers would drop in your presence too. Don't doubt your powers, young nudist. Some of us really wish we even had an ounce of them. Maybe then, Mercedes would give me a second chance."

"OH MY GOD! This is NOT going to turn into a pity party!" Holly tree exclaimed. "Do you guys want some of my pot or something? How about pot brownies?" They stared at her blankly as a result of her logical solution to sadness. Considering that Holly was used to not being understood, she continued. "This is a no blues zone-"

"But, I like Billie Holiday." Brittany sulked further.

"NO! I mean this is a no sadness zone and I won't take anymore of your bummer fumes polluting my perpetually stoked aurora!" Because Brittany was sure that in even a hot air balloon, she wouldn't be able to get high enough to understand any of that…because Holly was attractive and everything but she was a little cockca for Raisin Brain…Or coo coo for Toucan Sam? Brittany didn't really know the proper analogy, probably because she consistently confused the words analogy and allergy… But, the point is Holly was pretty but kinda nuts and because of this and Brittany's need to avoid confrontation like it was violence, perky bosomed girl aka Brittany S. Pierce, just ignored everything Holly said and then proceeded to make an effort to help her pitiful loser friend Sam with his excruciating, absurdly pathetic attempt at a love life.

"She just wasn't receptive of your conversion to a nude lifestyle…even though you're wearing pants right now."

"We've talked about this, I'm a recovering never nude, Brittany."

"You know, it's okay to just be a never nude? You don't have to be one of us to live here. Kitty used to wear clothes from time to time too, especially after Brittany tried to pet her."

"She was missing her fur and I feel like even bald cats should get to be petted. They don't make full body toupees for them you know." And… you could hear crickets.

"Uh yeah anyway, I appreciate that guys are trying to make me feel better but I've got to get over my issues because Mercedes couldn't handle them and I really want her back. She's always been so accepting; she even liked me as a stripper, but was unable to handle my showering in my boxers ways. I feel if I'm ever going to get over it, I must go to the complete extreme and attempt to be a nudist. But when I told her of those plans, she was totally freaked out and left me. I swear I can't win! None of this makes any sense! She liked the stripper but not the attempted nudist?"

"Brittany never said it made sense; she just said it was the truth. But there are plenty of hot chicks out there, aren't I right Brittany?"

"Yeah, but it's hard when they don't even want to be around you."

"Tell me about it." Brittany and Huge-o McMassive mouth took pouting to new unheard of places during this moment in time. Wanting to get a refund from Ticketmaster for the concert she was mistakenly given VIP passes to entitled 'Sorrowfest 2013', Holiday Inn put in a committed, tireless effort to change the subject. And considering the topic she had to resort to to make that happen, it's clear…The woman was desperate.

"Rachel and Finn are coming."

"Eww, I don't want to hear about that and how and WHY do you know that?" Brittany shivered in pure disgust and unbridled terror.

"No no, GOD NO!" Holly looked like she needed a barf bag to mail to the squatty theater junkie with hideous bangs. "I mean they will be at the picnic."

"WHAT?! WHY?! Holly! Now if Santana does come, she'll get one glance at his fuzzy breasts and run the other way!"

"Or send him a cheaply made bra. Those Snix collection bras are horrible!"

"Don't make light of this!"

"But it's not light Sam, this is a big problem. It's totally heavy. Mosquito bites are a light problem. Rachel and her urges to wear offensively ugly clothes, including items with poor innocent animals who were never asked for their consent to be represented on itchy looking, terribly fitting sweaters - that untappable girl, she's a heavy heavy problem that is known to make all possible love interests sexually unexcited and that makes me sexually frustrated and prone to bouts of sad. By the end of the picnic we'll all want to sporklift her away to a far away land and that will be because you invited her, even though nobody wants to be around her. You know what? How about Sam and I put our minds to it to be happy and in exchange you call her and tell her that nobody is ever having sex again if she shows up." I didn't know it at the time but…Brittany's hatred for Lady Hudson was a quality I highly, highly approved of.

"What she said. Why did you invite them in the first place Holly? You know how Mercedes feels about Barbra! In fact, none of us like her. She kept trying to give me Chapstick as a welcoming gift when we moved in. It was kinda weird…and a gross knockoff brand. I may be a stripper but I have standards, thank you very much." The middle aged nudist hippie gave them a poignant look of deep disappointment.

"You guys should be ashamed of yourselves! The point IS to get to know the community and she is part of the community even if she sucks. A lot. So you should both welcome her with open arms to this wonderful loving picnic we are going to throw tomorrow!"

"Soooo… she invited herself?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

The room was silent until Brittany broke it.

"Is Will coming?"

"I wish."

-The Picnic-

"Usually, I would be morally against fashionless festivities but since you have informed me of the cute boy that shall be making himself known at this party, I feel that it is only appropriate that I make my presence known in the customary lack of attire."

"We can't make any promises Kurt." Female Willy Nelson started. "His banshee of a wife has him on a short leash. The closet those two are in is more like the tomb of Tutankhamun."

"Of course they will come." Brittany added cheerily, trying to stay positive with all her might. "There's hot naked people and food that looks like parts on hot naked people. What's not to like?"

"Isn't the nudist philosophy about not looking at each other lustfully and rejecting society's rules on clothing?" Brittany shrugged.

"Maybe, I don't know. I just don't like clothes." Kurt looked beyond hurt.

"But h-how?"

"My body refuses them. My mom tried to put me in a prom dress when I was eighteen and for some reason, that night I ended up getting a job at a stripclub…which is where I met Sam!" Kurt nodded as if any of this made sense. "I appreciate you coming even though I know it's against your belief system as a fashion designer. You're a great friend."

"Yeah yeah, OH MY GOD IS THAT RACHEL HUDSON?!" Brittany scrunched her nose at the new arrival and said new arrivals gassy, greasy, oafish attempt at a husband.

"Ugh, now Santana is never gonna show up. She can probably sense their ickiness from miles away like some sort of loser radar system. I wonder if she would sell me one..."

"Who's Santana?"

"The wife of the guy I'm trying to set you up with."

"Oh, the one you think likes girls?" Brittany grinned.

"I know she likes girls."

"How?"

"I don't know, I just do. But she doesn't know it just yet." Kurt put on his best 'concerned friend' face.

"Do you really want to go through all that stuff? You, better than anyone I know, know who you are. Brittany, do you really want to deal with someone who has no idea about even the most fundamental aspects of themselves?"

"Everyone learns at different speeds Kurt. I learned dance fast but it took me forever to be able to read. I came to the conclusion that boobs are majestic after my well endowed nanny gave me a hug to comfort me when I stubbed my toe. Santana just hasn't figured out all this yet but I know she will because she is so not straight. She just needs somebody to believe she can learn, like my awesome fifth grade teacher that knew that with enough work, I could read."

"Let me guess, you needed a lot of comforting growing up."

"What can I say? I was accident prone." Kurt giggled as Brittany smirked.

"WOOOOOO LOOK AT ALL THE LADIES!" And…our stupid security guard made himself known at the picnic. Just what everyone wanted.

"You were not invited." Holly informed the douchey naked man that managed to have two landing strips growing out of two different areas of his body.

"But I'm a nudist!" He protested.

"No, you're not. You just want to see boobs. This is a place for people to feel free to be themselves. They can't feel free if some guy with a furry critter on his head is perving on them. It's a no perv zone. So I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"But."

"No buts." She pointed to the exit as Brittany frowned at the thought of no butts.

"You're kind of a MILF, you know." His eyebrows went up and down as a smirk appeared on his poorly aging face.

"I'm not that Broadway train wreck baby machine Shelby Corcoran. Therefore, I don't sleep with little boys who have meth face. Get out." He stumbled backwards while giving everyone the double flipped bird.

"Ya'll can't handle the Puckasaurus anyway!" An attempt to impregnate air with his thrusting hips happened during this horrid, projectile vomit inducing moment in history.

"I'm going inside to get more booze." Kurt turned to Brittany and replied,

"I'll help."

-Inside the house-

Brittany and Kurt we're debating on if the addition of absinthe would be a wise one, when a tall stalky guy I knew better than anyone, showed up cupping his bits.

"Umm…hi. I'd wave but…well, you know."

"You're so cute." Brittany informed and then brightly smiled. "It's nothing we haven't seen before. Don't be shy." She motioned for him to drop his hands.

"Umm…maybe later."

"Yeah later sounds good…So, what's your name?" The pretty lady man questioned.

"His name's Dave Married."

"No, that's not-"

"Wow, interesting last name."

"Isn't it great?"

"Umm…I'm still standing here naked…uhhhh…this is awkward. Should I just go outside or-"

"You should stay right the fuck where you are!" All eyes shot in the direction of a fully clothed me; who was standing menacingly at the door frame. My husband's face screamed that he wanted to die. My face screamed at various deafening volumes that I couldn't wait to make that a reality. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"

"He's making friends." Brittany interjected.

"He's being an exhibitionist." Kurt perked an eyebrow at my husband and as a result, the supposed love of my life blushed. HE BLUSHED. HE'S NEVER BLUSHED BEFORE! What the FUCK is THAT SHIT?

"NO, he's embarrassing himself. Come on David, let's go home and get you into that ugly ill-fitting jersey you love so much." For some reason that was beyond me at that time, my big strong husband looked torn. How can he be torn? When your painfully hot wife says you're going home, you fucking go home. That's the end of that argument. Well, unless you'd like to never get laid again.

"NO."

Turns out he didn't want to get laid again.

"Excuse me?" My hands made their way to my hips and my neck cocked in a fashion that told him that Lima Heights Santana was about to cut his junk off with the rustiest knife she could find.

"Y-you heard me Santana. I-" He breathed deeply and removed his hands from the present only I was supposed to be able to open. Both Kurt and Brittany nodded in approval. "I want to stay and I'm going to." I strutted up to him like a bobcat after its prey, and he tried his best to put on a brave face but his acting had never been the best. He once did a TV movie that was called 'The vomitfest of the century' by the Hollywood Reporter. I had to agree…but that's mainly because I hated his co-star, Kate Hudson.

"You are DEFYING your wife to hang out with a bunch of freaks?"

"They're not freaks!" I perked a perfectly threaded eyebrow, which led to him rolling his eyes and huffing. "Okay, Brittany's a little daffy."

"No I'm not, I prefer Penelope Pussycat!" I didn't know whether to scowl, scoff, roll my eyes or sigh. So I ended up doing them all at once, which made me look like a violently ill, chronically sarcastic person with whooping cough. "Do you need antacid?" She asked helpfully.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!" I pushed my nude husband to the side and headed straight for the cause of his stupidity. "I told you, I don't want you in any way shape or form around my family! STOP talking to my husband. He is NOT one of you. Or-" I directed my attention to the fairy princess. "You. Take a nice look at his ass because it will be the LAST time you see it. Come on honey, let's go." I turned in his direction only to realize he was already gone. "David?"

"I don't think it will be the last time I see it." The Peter Pan rip off smirked for all of two seconds. The reason it only lasted two seconds was because I attempted to punch the shit out of his blemish free, smarmy, little shithead face. He ducked and before I knew it Brittany had grabbed my arms, pulled me against her, and told Kurt to leave authoritatively. The pretty little mystical creature like male pranced away at a speed I suspected he would typically only be able to accomplish when hearing of a Prada sale.

"NO VIOLENCE IN MY HOME SANTANA!"

"LET ME GO!" She pulled me tighter against her naked form.

"NO. VIOLENCE. You have to promise me this will never happen again before I will let you go." I tried like a son of a burly bitch to get out of her grasp but the woman was strong.

"I wouldn't have had to get VIOLENT if you would have just left my husband alone like I asked you to!"

"I haven't said anything to him since the grocery store. It was his own decision to come. He's your husband, not your slave." I didn't agree with her definition of husband at all. Clearly, a dictionary would be the gift I would give her for her birthday, that and a lifetime subscription to 'Peroxide Weekly' and 'Loud Home Color Schemes Digest'. After mentally determining which Asian celebrity I would purposely mistake my assistant for when I yelled at her to purchase those items, I decided my best plan of attack was to play Brittany's very strange game. She thinks I'm gay right? Well fine, I'll just use her obvious attraction to me to my advantage. My life IS all about creating advantages, after all.

"Well, few dislike being my slave." My voice lowered. "I make it a mutually rewarding experience." I could feel her grin slowly appear.

"Really?" The curiosity and lust were painfully obvious. This was a human who made no attempt to play it cool about her true interests. She was who she was and who she was, was a woman that wanted in my pants. Clearly, you bring up sex and you can distract this girl from any situation immediately. Her libido must be out of control.

"Oh yeah, how do you feel about whips and chains?"

"Why do you ask?" She gulped out. She was under my spell and remarkably fast at that.

"Why do you think? You're got your naked body pressed up against my back…it inspires my vivid imagination to go amuck. Would you like to know exactly what I'm imagining right now, Brittany?" I could feel her breath quicken and her grip loosen. I'm so close…wanky…Okay Santana, not in that way. But seriously, just play your cards right. You have her exactly where you want her…that almost sounded wanky again, didn't it? Damn it.

"Yeah, Santana." She whispered sensuously. I turned my head further into her lips and managed to see her bite her lip in my peripheral vision. "I would."

"I think you need to be taught a lesson. Maybe a choice area of your body needs me to get nice and rough with it. Maybe a nice hard slap would do. Where do you think I'd choose this place of slapping to be?"

"Is it the place we discussed before?" So, she's an ass woman…

"Do you want it to be?" Her arms had completely gone to jelly and I slipped out from them, only to turn around and pin her against the counter. I had never heard breathing that shallow in such a context before. The whole situation made me feel oddly proud of my abilities with both men and as it seemed, women. Guess when you're this sexy, all people swoon. "Answer me." My finger traced her lips. "Tell me where you want me to touch you."

"Everywhere." She breathed out. I smirked devilishly.

"Now now," My hand caressed her cheek softly and she leaned into it. "Don't be greedy." Her ears turned bright red and her entire face flushed. I'd say she was cute if it didn't happen because of my dirty offer.

"Please, please stop teasing." She begged. "I need you." Even I couldn't believe how invested she was in this. Do I really turn her on THAT much? Who feels this much this soon? She was JUST mad at me and now she would gladly let me fuck her?

"I need you too. You know what I need from you?"

"Please Santana, stop-"

"I promise I'll indulge you with a slap my dear." She sucked in air at the pet name. "But you have to do something for me first." I stuck my finger in her mouth, which caused her to moan embarrassingly loud. I pumped it in and out agonizingly slow a few times before removing it dramatically, eliciting a sexy popping sound. I let her chest heave, and her body perspire in anticipation a few long seconds before I leaned into her ear and whispered, "I need you to stay the FUCK away from my husband!"

"WHA-" And the slap across her cheek cut her off. Her hand touched the red mark I left in shock as I strutted away from her victoriously.

"Please remember one very crucial detail Brittany Susan Pierce, I never ever apologize. No matter how or for what reason I slap my victims, I never apologize." I gave her a wink, turned, and stormed out in the most divaish fashion recorded in recent history. Well, at least since I saw Naomi Campbell throw her hair dryer at Blaine. That was fun.

After causing Brittany to drop her non-existent panties using the very violence she said she hated, I decided there was no time like the present to set my not as kept as I thought he was husband straight. Upon finding him in the guestroom naked and hugging the flaming stranger bitch I almost hit earlier, I made my presence KNOWN.

"Explain this NOW. GO." The male part of my relationship yelped, jumped back from the boy I refused to learn the name of, and fell on the floor faster than a drunk Lindsay Lohan…which is only slightly faster than a sober one. Listen, I KNOW Lindsay. When I make Lindsay jokes I'm talking from experience here. The Hummel looking doll covered his engorged bits and turned around only to realize that his ass was now exposed. To fix this unfortunate situation, he took off what was legitimately the most fabulous, randomly worn church hat I had ever seen and used it to obstruct the derriere my husband had likely been keen to invade. "I'm waiting David. I know that you play a sport where you bend over in front of dudes, catch balls, and then get tackled... but this is gay even for you."

"Umm…I-"

"Why are you making him explain? I think you know what you saw!" The human Glaad award interjected as if anyone gave a petrified shit what he thought.

"You're already in my marriage far more than I want you to be. Speak again and you'll find yourself tied to the back of an El Camino, being drug through Lima Heights Adjacent, as your delicate little porcelain face scraps across the pavement while I wave out the window to the locals as if I were Princess Diana."

"What's Lima heights adj-" I cut him off. Had he missed the whole face plus pavement part?

"Oh and David?" I stepped over him, one foot almost landing on a place he would never want a five inch heel to connect with.

"YEAH?!" He yelped. I pointed my phone at him.

"Say cheese." A flash and slap were heard one after the other.

-Yet Another Epic Bitch Strut and Hair Flick Later-

I gallivanted across the street, then classily yelled at vagina haired Puck to put on some fucking clothes and open the God damn gate to my house before I sautéed his balls with a vegetable medley and then made him eat them for breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner and dinner. Upon entering my palace, I decided I was due for a bubble bath. I always took those when I needed to think and my God I really had to think of what to do with David. His behavior and my lack of ability to control it concerned me and if I was honest, scared me. This had never happened before. Not in five years of marriage. When I came up with an order it was FOLLOWED. But at this time? Things had changed and not for the better. I didn't like changes that I didn't enact. For example, that no singing Broadway showtunes on weekdays ordinance I put before the neighborhood council. That was a change I created and loved and was loved for by the rest of the community. But what David was doing at that house, that had nothing to do with my decision making skills, and everything to do with what was my lack of answers and control.

After losing my bra along the way to the tub, I noticed something else that didn't know the answer to.

Something I didn't realize because I was so driven and so overwhelmingly irate.

My not Snix collection thong was drenched in my own arousal.

But the question was…

WHY?

DUN DUN DUN! Rachel would approve of the drama of both slaps, I think. Lol. Thoughts on the crazy twists and turns of this chapter? I see some very interesting things in the future! Oh in case you were wondering, Brittany's not a stripper anymore. She has another day job which you will find out about later. :)

A big thanks to everyone who has stuck with this fiction! I hope to update sooner next time. I've just been busy as HELL for a while but I am so excited to continue with this! I'm also working on a new interruptions chapter for those who read that fic. :D Thanks again for your support!