Ok here we go another chapter and I didn't make you all wait too long.
Enjoy
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JJ and Morgan sat side by side on the narrow couch their bodies close enough to feel the body heat of the other but not touching. They were both nervous and tense and deep down scared as hell of what the other might say but at the same time both were determined to make this work.
"Derek welcome. I'm Dr. Collins JJ's Bureau assigned therapist and I want to thank you for coming I know therapy is not something you are very fond of"
In his agreeing to attend the session Morgan had also agreed to grant Collins access to his personnel and performance review files in order to get a better insight into him. As much as people try to deny it very few of them are completely honest in therapy. There is always something they hold back.
"Thank you for having me"
Morgan eyed JJ out of the corner of his eye and he could see was uncomfortable. JJ had always been an extremely private person who above all else despised showing weakness and he felt that just by being there, even if he were to never speak a word he was invading her privacy. He was already seriously starting to question his decision to come as the last thing he wanted to do was cause JJ more pain.
"I bet you're wondering why I asked you to join us?"
Morgan shifted on the couch his body aching to reach out and take JJ's hand in his own, to pull her into a tight embrace but he fought the urge with all his might and did nothing.
"I am yeah"
The words came out strained and just above a whisper. He'd done his fair share of counseling and therapy after Carl Buford so he knew regardless of why he was here the session was going to be emotionally trying on both of them so instead of questioning the motives behind the invitation he opted to do what he'd been doing, lock down his emotions in an effort to put JJ's first.
Collins studied Morgan for a moment. Years of work had made her adept at reading people even those she had only just met. Simply by looking at Derek Morgan, even without having referred to his personnel file she could see the torment in his eyes. Torment not just from the horrors he'd seen and experienced in his own life but torment for the woman sitting beside him.
His body language spoke volumes about him. For instance, while she could tell he was uncomfortable as most people who come to see her are she could see how badly his body craved some form of physical contact with JJ. How every fiber seemed to want to do nothing more than reach out and take her hand in his or pull her into a hug and yet he held back. Collins knew there was a deep love between them based on the things JJ had told her but now she also saw it in both their body languages and while Derek wanted nothing more than to do everything he could to help JJ the course he decided on in order to do so was also hurting her. He'd locked his emotions, both good and bad with regard to the ordeal in Atlanta away in an effort to help JJ heal and put her needs first but in doing so he'd given the appearance and impression to JJ that he'd moved on, gotten over what happened sending the signal to JJ that she too needed to fast track her recovery.
Collins didn't believe Morgan was doing do because he couldn't express what he was feeling but that he was simply choosing not to out of guilt.
Penance she thought to herself. He was letting his guilt overtake him because he felt he deserved to feel guilty for what JJ had gone through and holding in or hiding his emotions, putting everything for himself on hold was necessary in order to achieve penance.
JJ on the other hand was a total wreck. The type of woman who never needed someone to lean on or to be defined by someone especially a man but in listening to the young woman describe her feelings towards and for the man sitting beside her Collins knew what JJ needed, what she wanted more than anything other than Derek Morgan's approval was his love and support.
Collins concluded the two individuals before her were hurting not just because of what happened but simply because the other was in pain and hurting.
Collins thought about easing in, recapping the current situation so they were all on the same page but after seeing the two of them together, reading their body language and seeing just how nervous and broken the two of them appeared to be she decided to cut out the bullshit and go straight for the jugular.
"Guilt can be a powerful emotion can it not?"
Morgan closed his eyes and dipped his head forward
JJ watched Morgan in her peripheral vision biting her lip in an effort to control her own emotions.
"Derek? How has this whole ordeal made you feel?"
JJ closed her eyes in anticipation of what Morgan was about say and yet his answer had been the last thing she'd expected to hear from him.
"Like a failure" he whispered his gazed lowered to an indiscriminate spot on the floor in front of him. If he'd been honest with himself from the beginning then he would've identified that yes guilt was an overriding emotion for him through all this that because of him and his actions the love of his life had been kidnapped tortured and was now suffering when in reality what he was really feeling was failure. That he'd failed to keep his promise that he would never hurt her or be hurt because of him. That he'd failed to protect her.
Collins had been about to ask him to elaborate on his statement when JJ cut in
"What? Why would you feel that way? Please look at me Derek" JJ could feel the sting of tears beginning to form in her eyes. While she wanted to know his reasons she wasn't sure she could handle hearing them.
Morgan could hear the pain in her voice and as he complied with her request and met her gaze he could see the emotional turmoil she was in
"I failed you. I swore I would never hurt you" a lump formed in his throat as he fought to contain his own tears and emotions. "Watching what that son of bitch put you through because of me, because of a decision I made"
"I don't blame you. I could never blame you. If I hadn't been so weak, if I had held out longer and not given in then you wouldn't be hurting" the tears flowed openly down JJ's cheeks and the sobs wracking her body forcing her stop
Morgan closed the gap on the couch and pulled her tightly against him
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry" she sobbed as she buried her face in his chest her hands clutching fistfuls of his shirt like a lifeline
"No, god no JJ this isn't your fault, you didn't fail me please don't apologize"
Morgan lifted her face off his chest he caressed the tears away with his thumbs
"You didn't fail me, you didn't"
Collins observed the two of them with great interest. While they had managed to "let it out" so to speak she didn't feel if they walked out the door right now they would be any better off than when they walked in. The two both harbored a lot of guilt over what had happened in Atlanta and while Morgan had admitted how he felt he felt he had failed JJ she had yet to express how she felt.
"If I may interrupt for a moment and give my assessment"
JJ pulled herself out of Morgan's grasp and repositioned herself so she was sitting next to Morgan as opposed to on top of him. For his part Morgan wrapped an arm around her shoulders pulling her close.
"Derek I understand your need to feel you failed. As I understand you are the Alpha of your team which by definition means you feel the need to protect those around you and of course your need to protect JJ is overwhelming but in putting her feelings first and yours second you're hindering not only her recovery but your own as well"
She then turned her attention toward JJ
"JJ it's your turn to tell Derek how you feel"
JJ hesitated
"Hey tell me JJ. I want to help you, help us get past this"
"I know you blame yourself for what happened and it's not your fault but I feel like part of you has moved on. That you need to force yourself to move on in order to help me when reality all you're doing is pushing me away. I feel alone"
"You're not alone"
"The two of you have a very unique dynamic in play here in that yes you are both hurting but you are hurting because the other in is pain. Derek you feel guilt and failure because of your decisions and that you couldn't protect her while you JJ feel guilt and shame because Derek is hurting because of you and that you feel you are the weakest link on your team"
That last line got Morgan's attention tenfold. Why in god's name would she feel she is the weakest link of the team? Her strength alone at being able to hold on as long as she did until we arrived shows how much courage and strength she has
"Did you do what I suggested with any of your teammates?"
JJ shook her head
"What was the suggestion?" Morgan desperately wanted to know what to do to help the woman beside him
"No but…"
Collins tilted her head
"JJ feels she is the weakest link on your team and is ashamed she broke so easily. Now you, the rest of your team and me know that is not true so I suggested to her that she ask you and the other members of your team how they felt they would've faired had they been in her position. So perhaps since you are here Derek I'll ask you the question"
"Stop…please"
JJ brokenly pleaded as she looked at the floor refusing to meet either the doctor's or Morgan's concerned faces. The one thing she never wanted from anyone especially Derek was pity and while he'd offered up to her the answer to what Collins had wanted her to ask she felt he'd done it simply because he had to…because in that moment it was the right thing to say
Collins scooted to the edge of her seat leaning forward she took JJ's hand in her own and held it tight
"Jennifer look at me" the doctor moved her head lower so her face was in JJ's eye line forcing her to meet her gaze. When she did Collins gave JJ's hand a firm squeeze "now look at the man sitting next to you"
JJ swallowed hard squeezing her eyes shut. She couldn't do it
"Jen please look at me"
JJ closed her eyes her heart fluttering at the sound of how Morgan said her name. His tone was soft sounding just he would when they made love…with love, devotion, admiration but also mixed with hurt and pain.
With her breath shaky and a lone tear streaming down her cheek JJ slowly turned her head her blue eyes meeting his deep chocolate brown ones
"Derek how do you think you would have fared had you been in JJ's position?"
Morgan reached over and took JJ's free hand in his own
"I told you, you are one of the strongest people I've ever met and while I've been through some shit in my life I don't think I would've been able to withstand half of what you had. JJ you never gave in to him. You managed to say conscious throughout almost the whole ordeal and no one and I mean no one would've been able to keep themselves from screaming and it doesn't make you weak that you did. Garcia told me you challenged him at nearly every stage. She said you told him 'you'd be the first bitch actually outlast him' and you did. You are far from weak JJ let that notion go"
Morgan pulled JJ back into his arms and hugged her tightly
"That's good advice Derek, you should apply it yourself"
Collins said leaning Morgan's direction
"You feel like your penance for the whole situation should be for you to suffer in silence. You lock your feelings away and in by doing so you feel you are somehow helping JJ when in fact you are doing quite the opposite. You think you deserve to let this guilt and sense of failure eat you up inside. So I say again take your own advice, let it out and let it go. It's the only way you'll both be able to move past this together. Otherwise you'll both be on different pages emotionally forever and I highly doubt that is something you both want"
Morgan set his jaw his body knowing the doctor was nothing but right.
"Don't feel like you have to take everything on yourself-this goes for you as well JJ"
Collins added this time turning her attentions on JJ
"Based on what you've told me in past sessions you and Derek have become quite the team since your domestic partner left"
JJ quietly nodded
"You stepped in Derek but you didn't replace. The two of you complement each other and that is what you need to get back to so Derek believe JJ when she says it isn't your fault that she doesn't blame you and JJ believe Derek and the rest of your team when they tell you you're not weak. I know this is all easier said than done but if the two of you are willing to work at it we can get there."
JJ and Morgan looked at each other Morgan wiping a stray tear away with his thumb letting it linger there softly caressing JJ's cheek. Closing her eyes JJ grabbed his hand and leaned into the caress savoring the feel and raw emotion Morgan's touch evoked in her. It was the most intimate they'd been since she'd returned home from the hospital and she'd almost forgotten how soft and loving his touch actually was.
Collins watched the exchange a small grin forming on her lips. Agent Hotchner had given her the heads up about the connection Derek Morgan and Jennifer Jareau had while he'd been accurate in his assessment he'd only scratched the surface on how deep a loving connection these actually have.
After several moments she began to feel, as odd as it may sound given her profession, uncomfortable. It takes a strong connection between two people to have the world melt away around them and only focus on each other.
"So are you both willing to do this work?
Both JJ and Morgan and turned to Collins and without hesitation they both answered
"Yes"
It would take time and work but in time both JJ and Morgan knew they would be ok, that they wouldn't let the unsub win as long as they had each other.
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Thank you all for reading!
I know it's not the ending you all may have been looking for and I may do a sequel that picks up down the line in the future but I felt this would be a good place to end the story.
Please review and let me know what you think