I do not own Abby and Carter, or any of the other ER characters. Also some
dialogue has been 'borrowed' from actual episodes of the show. You'll know
which.
Set after Lockdown, it'll be all Carby but there will be angst. This is my
first ER fic, so it's a little off but please don't be harsh. I'd
appreciate any feedback though.
He paused outside the doors to the ICU. He felt nauseous. Leaning against the wall, he held his head in his hands and took a deep breath. It was his fault, all of it. He was supposed to have taken care of her; protect her. He had failed. Again. After what had happened on that Valentine's day three years ago, he had made himself a promise; or was it more a promise to Lucy; either way, he had swore that he would do better. As a friend, doctor and teacher. Now it was like he had let Lucy down once again and. He knew that he had to go in but he just couldn't. He sank to the floor. He'd be strong for her though. He had to be. He loved her. He'd be there throughout. Just not yet. He allowed his mind to drift back in time, to when all this began.
Three months ago:
"Worst of this is over, right?" When he didn't reply, she looked down, trying to read the expression on his face. Staring deep into his eyes, she whispered "Tell me we're going to be ok"
Again he remained silent. She was pleading with him to give her reassurance. Knowing that words would do little to help right now he did the only thing he could think of. He leaned in and kissed her.
He pulled away now and stood up, still not looking away. He took the fact that she still had her arms around his neck and that she hadn't run screaming from the trauma room as a good sign, and he pressed on. "We're going to be ok." She was still looking into his eyes; seemingly searching for some sign that what he said was true. He knew that she would find it because he believed it. He repeated himself, "We're going to be ok!" Then he kissed her again. This time with more confidence, more passion.
Part of her had known that this moment would eventually happen, but she was still unprepared for it. She was terrified of changing their relationship; of losing him as a friend if it all went wrong, just like every other relationship she had ever had. Some advice given to her by her mother a little over a year ago came flooding back to her.
"That's all there is, is risk. You just have to take a chance and leap into life. Otherwise, sweetheart, you're going to miss out on all the great things."
For once she listened to her heart instead of her head and following her mother's words, she responded, deepening the kiss.
As soon as he felt her respond, he began to lose himself in the kiss; the smallpox, the ER, it all seemed to melt away; nothing mattered except for Abby. When they eventually parted, he kept his arms around her waist, just holding her close. Abby made eye contact for just a second before quickly turning away, keeping her arms around his neck though. Carter gently took her chin in his right hand and lifted her head to face him. With his other hand, he began to caress the small of her back.
She studied him for a second before suddenly pulling violently away. She shoved the ice pack at his chest forcing him to take hold of it.
"I can't do this" she backed away from him. "I'm sorry, John. I just.I just can't do this." She crossed over to the other side of the room, turning her back to him.
"Don't do this, Abby. Please?" he started to move towards her then decided against it. He waited. When she didn't break the silence, he sat back down on the gurney and sighed. Past conversations flooded his head. All the missed opportunities. All the words they had each spoken that had hurt the other.
"I don't want to wish bad things for you and Luka. And I don't want to sit on the sidelines waiting for you two to break up. And I don't want to be your friend"
"I'll settle for someone that isn't hung up on someone else"
"You don't have to settle for anything, Carter!"
"'Us' is too complicated? Is there an 'us'?
And now yet another wasted chance joined them. He lay down on his back as the past five minutes kept replaying over and over again.
Abby let the silence go on for a moment, then turned to look at him. Carter now had his eyes shut. As she watched him, she wondered why she had broken the embrace. She knew she loved him; it was the only thing she was certain of. She silently cursed herself for being such a coward. It took only that brief silence for her to change her mind. She wanted to be with him. She rolled her eyes. Hoping she hadn't blown her last chance with him, she went about trying to fix things.
"So that's it?"
Her voice brought Carter sharply back to reality. He lazily opened his eyes and without getting up, turned his head to look at her. "Huh?"
"You just give up on us? Pretend that nothing happened?"
He sat up now. "What do you want me to do?"
"You kissed me!"
"Yeah. I seem to remember you kissing me back though. Then you ran away!"
"I didn't run anywhere. I'm stood three feet away!"
"Maybe, but if we weren't quarantined in here then you'd have run!"
"What're you psychic now?"
"No! I just know you!"
"Maybe you don't!"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing! Just forget it, Carter."
He leapt up off the gurney. "No, come on. Let's sort this out. Once and for all."
"I can't do it anymore. Ok? I just can't! It's too hard!"
"What is?"
"Having a relationship with you! Or a non-relationship, whatever it is we have or don't have. It's killing me, cause I love you so much and I hate that I could lose you and that you could hurt me or I could hurt you or I don't know." Once Abby had started to speak she couldn't stop. All her thoughts just seemed to come pouring out her mouth. "And you tell me how you feel when I'm with Luka, then you reject me for Susan when I tell you how I feel and now today you kiss me and then when I panic you just lie there like you don't give a damn." She paused for breath now, embarrassed by her outburst.
Carter was silent for a moment; it was so unlike Abby to say how she felt or to put herself in such a vulnerable position. Choosing his words carefully, he said "It's the dance we do. We get lost in it for a while but it always ends the same."
Carter thought that he saw a faint smile appear on her face but it was quickly gone as once again she stared deep into his eyes. "It doesn't have to though" she whispered softly.
"What?"
"End the same"
He took a step towards her. "No, it doesn't" he agreed. Again their was a brief silence while Carter waited for Abby to choose the next step.
"Ok, ok!"
"Ok?" he asked hopefully.
Abby nodded. He moved to her and took hold of her hands, taking a moment for this latest development to sink in. then he pulled her to him and held her close. They stayed like that for a while till Carter suddenly laughed. Abby lifted her head from where it was resting on his chest. "What?"
The words from her outburst finally hitting him, he simply said, "I love you too"
She smiled. "I know!"
"Is that right?"
Again she simply nodded. He kissed her forehead.
"You'll end up regretting this, you know?"
Her tone was light, but Carter knew she still had her reservations about where they were going so he gave her a serious answer. "No!" he vowed. "I won't!"
Now:
He'd made Abby two promises in that trauma room and now stood outside that ICU, he still intended to keep them both. He took a deep breath and entered the room.
He paused outside the doors to the ICU. He felt nauseous. Leaning against the wall, he held his head in his hands and took a deep breath. It was his fault, all of it. He was supposed to have taken care of her; protect her. He had failed. Again. After what had happened on that Valentine's day three years ago, he had made himself a promise; or was it more a promise to Lucy; either way, he had swore that he would do better. As a friend, doctor and teacher. Now it was like he had let Lucy down once again and. He knew that he had to go in but he just couldn't. He sank to the floor. He'd be strong for her though. He had to be. He loved her. He'd be there throughout. Just not yet. He allowed his mind to drift back in time, to when all this began.
Three months ago:
"Worst of this is over, right?" When he didn't reply, she looked down, trying to read the expression on his face. Staring deep into his eyes, she whispered "Tell me we're going to be ok"
Again he remained silent. She was pleading with him to give her reassurance. Knowing that words would do little to help right now he did the only thing he could think of. He leaned in and kissed her.
He pulled away now and stood up, still not looking away. He took the fact that she still had her arms around his neck and that she hadn't run screaming from the trauma room as a good sign, and he pressed on. "We're going to be ok." She was still looking into his eyes; seemingly searching for some sign that what he said was true. He knew that she would find it because he believed it. He repeated himself, "We're going to be ok!" Then he kissed her again. This time with more confidence, more passion.
Part of her had known that this moment would eventually happen, but she was still unprepared for it. She was terrified of changing their relationship; of losing him as a friend if it all went wrong, just like every other relationship she had ever had. Some advice given to her by her mother a little over a year ago came flooding back to her.
"That's all there is, is risk. You just have to take a chance and leap into life. Otherwise, sweetheart, you're going to miss out on all the great things."
For once she listened to her heart instead of her head and following her mother's words, she responded, deepening the kiss.
As soon as he felt her respond, he began to lose himself in the kiss; the smallpox, the ER, it all seemed to melt away; nothing mattered except for Abby. When they eventually parted, he kept his arms around her waist, just holding her close. Abby made eye contact for just a second before quickly turning away, keeping her arms around his neck though. Carter gently took her chin in his right hand and lifted her head to face him. With his other hand, he began to caress the small of her back.
She studied him for a second before suddenly pulling violently away. She shoved the ice pack at his chest forcing him to take hold of it.
"I can't do this" she backed away from him. "I'm sorry, John. I just.I just can't do this." She crossed over to the other side of the room, turning her back to him.
"Don't do this, Abby. Please?" he started to move towards her then decided against it. He waited. When she didn't break the silence, he sat back down on the gurney and sighed. Past conversations flooded his head. All the missed opportunities. All the words they had each spoken that had hurt the other.
"I don't want to wish bad things for you and Luka. And I don't want to sit on the sidelines waiting for you two to break up. And I don't want to be your friend"
"I'll settle for someone that isn't hung up on someone else"
"You don't have to settle for anything, Carter!"
"'Us' is too complicated? Is there an 'us'?
And now yet another wasted chance joined them. He lay down on his back as the past five minutes kept replaying over and over again.
Abby let the silence go on for a moment, then turned to look at him. Carter now had his eyes shut. As she watched him, she wondered why she had broken the embrace. She knew she loved him; it was the only thing she was certain of. She silently cursed herself for being such a coward. It took only that brief silence for her to change her mind. She wanted to be with him. She rolled her eyes. Hoping she hadn't blown her last chance with him, she went about trying to fix things.
"So that's it?"
Her voice brought Carter sharply back to reality. He lazily opened his eyes and without getting up, turned his head to look at her. "Huh?"
"You just give up on us? Pretend that nothing happened?"
He sat up now. "What do you want me to do?"
"You kissed me!"
"Yeah. I seem to remember you kissing me back though. Then you ran away!"
"I didn't run anywhere. I'm stood three feet away!"
"Maybe, but if we weren't quarantined in here then you'd have run!"
"What're you psychic now?"
"No! I just know you!"
"Maybe you don't!"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing! Just forget it, Carter."
He leapt up off the gurney. "No, come on. Let's sort this out. Once and for all."
"I can't do it anymore. Ok? I just can't! It's too hard!"
"What is?"
"Having a relationship with you! Or a non-relationship, whatever it is we have or don't have. It's killing me, cause I love you so much and I hate that I could lose you and that you could hurt me or I could hurt you or I don't know." Once Abby had started to speak she couldn't stop. All her thoughts just seemed to come pouring out her mouth. "And you tell me how you feel when I'm with Luka, then you reject me for Susan when I tell you how I feel and now today you kiss me and then when I panic you just lie there like you don't give a damn." She paused for breath now, embarrassed by her outburst.
Carter was silent for a moment; it was so unlike Abby to say how she felt or to put herself in such a vulnerable position. Choosing his words carefully, he said "It's the dance we do. We get lost in it for a while but it always ends the same."
Carter thought that he saw a faint smile appear on her face but it was quickly gone as once again she stared deep into his eyes. "It doesn't have to though" she whispered softly.
"What?"
"End the same"
He took a step towards her. "No, it doesn't" he agreed. Again their was a brief silence while Carter waited for Abby to choose the next step.
"Ok, ok!"
"Ok?" he asked hopefully.
Abby nodded. He moved to her and took hold of her hands, taking a moment for this latest development to sink in. then he pulled her to him and held her close. They stayed like that for a while till Carter suddenly laughed. Abby lifted her head from where it was resting on his chest. "What?"
The words from her outburst finally hitting him, he simply said, "I love you too"
She smiled. "I know!"
"Is that right?"
Again she simply nodded. He kissed her forehead.
"You'll end up regretting this, you know?"
Her tone was light, but Carter knew she still had her reservations about where they were going so he gave her a serious answer. "No!" he vowed. "I won't!"
Now:
He'd made Abby two promises in that trauma room and now stood outside that ICU, he still intended to keep them both. He took a deep breath and entered the room.