Obviously this is crack and is in response to a silly post. I know that it is silly and extremely ooc.

Now featured on a tumblr reserved for the finest of shitty fanfiction, which is hilarious enough, I admit, and I died laughing at the audio post

but the rude comments I happened upon about how shitty of a writer I am, not so much. :/

Rigid discipline peeled Ludwig's eyes open at roughly 0500, just as dozy predawn soaked sheer curtains and a cool breeze drifted in. Feliciano, as tangled as he was in sheets, had managed to wrap around Ludwig's middle, his breath a warm caress across bare skin.

The German allowed himself a light sigh as he lifted a hand to sift through curly hair. He smiled when Feli only drew nearer.

Perhaps he could stay in bed a few more hours. Hold his lover. Maybe try to coax him awake later with a few kisses, just to see his lips part and eyes blink open into the sunshine that would soon flood into their bedroom.

He felt himself drift off again.

"Oi. Bastard. Wake the fuck up."

By some miracle, when Ludwig shot upright, Feliciano did not wake, instead rolling over and latching onto a pillow that had wandered off in the night. Ludwig blinked rapidly and reached for a gun that was not there—force of habit—heart slowing when he finally recognized the figure standing at the foot of his bed.

The curl was unmistakable.

Rubbing his temples, Ludwig swallowed a groan. With some effort he kept his voice level. "How did you get into my house?"

"I picked the lock. It's not rocket science."

"You picked all 3 of the locks and a chain latch?"

Lovino nodded.

The German's brow furrowed. "Why."

"Because we're going shopping."

Ludwig only stared. "…I am almost certain I misheard you." Slowly, he drew the sheet up to his chest, suddenly conscious that Lovino was scrutinizing his bare chest.

Lovino shook his head. "You dress like some kind of fuckass and I won't be seen in public with yo—"

"My wardrobe is fine." He pointed for the door, "And you can see your way out. Next time try a more civilized approach. Like knocking."

"It's called bonding, dumbass. You know, where you tell me all about your life and hobbies and sit. Now get the fuck out of bed and get dressed before I pour ice water on you. And don't you dare wear a sweater or some shit like that. Button up shirt. Remember, I have to be seen with you, and I've got a reputation to keep up."

Unsure of whether or not Lovino left to retrieve said ice water or to give him privacy, Ludwig rolled out of bed and dutifully started pulling on trousers and searching for a decent shirt. "This has to be some kind of trick," he mumbled, closing his eyes a moment. "But it's not like I can refuse."

He found a button-up that Feliciano had picked out for him a few weeks ago and pulled it on, stopping to appreciate the aroma of coffee wafting in the air. At least that was promising.

"Hmm…Ludwig?" Feliciano was watching him.

"Yes?"

"You're going shopping with Lovino?"

Ludwig sighed but nodded. "It would appear that way." Hesitating, he dipped down to press a gentle kiss to Feliciano's lips, lingering just a moment. "Either that or I'm slowly losing my mind."

"Good luck," Feliciano murmured. "You two have tons in common, so I bet it'll be fine!"

Ludwig nodded and pulled away. "Odd that he's the one initiating this. I was puzzling over how to approach him about getting to know one another better for weeks…"

Just as Ludwig reached the door, Berlitz trotted in past him, hopped onto the bed, and flopped over on top of Feliciano. He gave a little whine to Ludwig like, 'go on then', and rested his head on the Italian's shoulder.

"Don't get too comfortable. That's my spot," Ludwig growled, but not without some amusement, as he headed into the kitchen.

Lovino regarded him with an all too eager expression. "Drink a lot of coffee: you'll need it. And don't you fucking complain about being tired or sit down on the first damn bench you see when we're there. We have a lot of ground to cover. There is no crying while shopping."

Mid-pour, Ludwig stopped to stare. Lovino was pacing, that same disgruntled furrow in his brow, but this time directed at his cup of coffee, which he was too worked up to sit and actually drink. It sloshed over the side onto the floor, much to Ludwig's dismay.

"Fuck it. We're in Germany," Lovino muttered. "Which means you're the one who knows where shit is."

Ludwig hesitated. "Well…we could try the Arkaden mall. If that's the sort of thing that you mean—"

Lovino was already hammering the address into his phone, scrutinizing the tiny text as he thumbed down the description. "It'll work. C'mon, let's get out of here."

—

After the first three hours when the sunlight finally did glisten through glass walls and a high glass ceiling, gleaming from metal stair rails and polished floors, the benches scattered periodically beneath indoor trees did look all too inviting.

But Lovino was still going nonstop, the bags slung over his shoulders barely weighing him down. "This way. You have horrible shoes, so we're fixing that." He pointed toward a storefront with men's dress shoes set onto pedestals.

Ludwig sighed but followed. "I never would have guessed that you had such endurance."

Awkward conversation starter, but actual communication had been lacking, as intent as Lovino had been on his goal. Perhaps he too greatly enjoyed flinging shirts at Ludwig's face and shoving him into tiny rooms, listening to him bump around and struggle into clothing. But he hadn't been…unpleasant so far. Just not very talkative.

"Remind me how this is bonding?" Ludwig said. "So far you broke into my house, dragged me away from bed, and insulted my taste in clothes."

Lovino pointed to a pair of black dress shoes. "Put those on." He watched while Ludwig carefully tugged the laces tight and fashioned an orderly bow at the top. "And that isbonding." He paused and opened up his phone, squinting down at the screen, then double checked a bit of paper he kept in his wallet with a frown. "Fine. Tell me your hobbies."

Taken aback, Ludwig opened his mouth to find no sound coming out. To save face he stood and pretended like he was testing the feel of his new shoes. They pinched a bit, so he grabbed the next size up. "As you're probably aware, I do quite a bit of baking and a lot of reading. I enjoy caring for my dogs and tinkering with mechanics…" He trailed off. "And yourself…?"

Lovino shrugged. "Just normal shit. Cooking and painting and shit. I like to garden."

"Tomatoes?"

Lovino rolled his eyes. "Yeah. But mostly vegetables and shit. I don't buy anything that I can grow myself. S'waste."

Ludwig found himself nodding approvingly. "I…would like it if you'd offer up some tips on that. I've been meaning to cultivate the land around my house for some time. Gardening is a good excuse to go outside and puzzle through things."

Lovino almost seemed pleased. "I'll think about it." He glanced down at the paper while Ludwig settled the new pair of shoes back into the tissue-lined box. When Ludwig had paid and reorganized his own load of purchases, he moved quickly back into the hallway, which was slowly filling with people as noon rolled around, voices a dull echo.

"Omph!"

Lovino shoved Ludwig into a photobooth so hard that he crashed into the opposite wall; the screen churned to life after the clink of a few euros.

He poked his head out. "What is thi—"

"This is bonding."

Lovino pushed him back into the wall so he could climb in. The booth was not built for two grown men, so the two found themselves uncomfortably shoulder to shoulder, sweating in the confined space and stale oxygen, only exacerbated by pop music that switched on and a bright screen blaring options at them. Lovino started pecking out the specifics.

"A photo booth?" Ludwig asked. "I fail to see ho—"

"Shut up," Lovino said.

The first flash caught Ludwig unaware. Lovino nudged him. "Unless you want to look like you're completely stupid, smile for the damn camera. Or else I'm showing these at the next world conference."

Ludwig forced a rigid smile that grew more relaxed when he saw the ridiculous expressions that Lovino was making. When the two finally spilled out the narrow opening to look at the pictures, Ludwig realized he'd been laughing toward the end.

He hastily took his copy and folded it into his pocket book.

Lovino was looking at that paper again.

"What is it that you've been reading?" Ludwig finally asked.

"Nothing!" He made as if to shove it back into his pocket, but it slipped onto the floor. Ludwig picked it up, ignoring the protests from the other.

It was Gilbert's handwriting, scrawled into bulletpoints on a sheet that had been crumbled and smoothed out so much that the paper was soft to the touch.

Take him shopping. For hours
EARLY. He likes early.
Drag him out of bed if you have to.·
Get that man something other than damn sweatervests
Photobooths are good
Ask him about his hobbies
Get your nails done together·
Make him swear on camera
Get him to confess his deepest, darkest secrets (alcohol might help)
Karaoke.

Ludwig blinked. "So Gilbert put you up to this…whatever…er, this is." He handed the paper back, one brow raised.

Blushing, Lovino shoved it into his pocket. "I said it was bonding, okay. And so what, Gilbert said he was good at this shit and I needed help."

"You needed a list?"

"Yeah so?!"

Ludwig hid a bemused smile, turning to glance up and down the corridor until he spotted a little area designed for coffee. He pointed. "Just something we have in common."

Lovino followed. "I'm docking points because you had to sit down."

Ludwig shrugged and slumped into his chair. Lovino returned with two plain coffees, steaming in Styrofoam cups, bitter and strong.

Ludwig took a sip with a grimace. Too bitter. "But the bonding was actually…your idea, then?"

"Yeah maybe." Again, Lovino looked away, suddenly interested in a little girl bopping her balloon back and forth, the end tied to her wrist. She giggled like mad, but her mother was distracted by a newspaper. "Look, family is important to me, okay. And I'm not as big of a dick as you guys all say when you think I'm not around. So I'm trying."

"I never…" Ludwig sighed and shook his head. "Okay then. Even if this list was made byGilbert of all people, we should finish it. Sans the nails."

"You just agreed to karaoke."

Ludwig groaned. "I know."

Lovino whipped his phone out. "Okay, then say fuck. And shit. And damn. And bastard. In Italian and German."

"What?"

"Bullet point number 7."

END

Ludwig did return home, but not until night had long since fallen. If Feliciano had gotten out of bed at all, there was no indication, other than some dirty dishes in the sink and shoes kicked off by his door. He sat up when his fiancé staggered in, reeking of alcohol but not totally incapacitated.

"How was it?"

"…Interesting. Do not let Lovino show you any videos."

He collapsed onto his bed with a sigh. "I swear, he has too much energy."