Lights flash.
THE DOCTOR & ROSE: (to the tune of the Doctor Who theme) TARDIS nooiise, TARDIS nooiise...
They exit the TARDIS.
ROSE: So tell me more about this TV network.
THE DOCTOR: Well, about a hundred years after the regular human empire, all of the TV stations on Earth were taken over by one TV network: Bad Wolf TV. But no one ever knew who controlled it.
ROSE: Was this the regular human empire that we visited earlier in the play?
THE DOCTOR: Yeah.
ROSE: Where you banished my pet Dalek?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, would you let that go? I'm a changed man! I've got a banana! (sees that ROSE is looking offstage) What?
DALEK enters.
DALEK: I have returned!
THE DOCTOR: No!
DALEK: Yes! For the past one hundred years I have waited here, plotting my revenge against the Doctor. Now I will exterminate you!
ROSE: (shields THE DOCTOR) You'll have to go through me first!
DALEK: I warn you, you are expendable!
ROSE: What? But I saved your life!
THE DOCTOR: Rose, there's no need to worry. I can stop this joker.
ROSE: Are you sure?
THE DOCTOR: Absolutely. I just need you to get something out of the TARDIS for me.
ROSE: What is it?
THE DOCTOR: You'll see it, it's a thing, it's sitting right there on the console. Go!
ROSE: Uh, okay.
Exits into the TARDIS.
DALEK: What are you doing?
THE DOCTOR (whips remote control out of pocket) This.
(He presses a button.)
Lights flash.
ROSE: (like a Pokémon) TARDIS noise? TARDIS noise! TARDIS noise!
DALEK: The TARDIS has a remote control?
THE DOCTOR: You know, after 900 years, I finally figured it out. And now I've sent Rose home.
DALEK: Then why can I still see the TARDIS?
(THE DOCTOR whispers to him, shielding his mouth from the audience with his downstage hand and gesturing grandiosely with his upstage hand.)
DALEK: I see.
THE DOCTOR: Yeah. So, looks like it's just you and me, Dalek.
DALEK: You will be exterminated!
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, I might be, if I didn't have...this!
(Takes out red button.)
DALEK: What is that?
THE DOCTOR: Dalek, there's something you don't know about me. I can fire a missile by satellite.
DALEK: By satellite?
THE DOCTOR: Don't start with me.
DALEK: I wouldn't do that if I were you!
THE DOCTOR: Why not?
DALEK: This satellite is positioned above the planet Earth. If you destroy it, the burning shrapnel will fall to the surface below!
THE DOCTOR: That's a sacrifice I'll have to make to destroy you!
DALEK: But we are currently in orbit above London! (THE DOCTOR looks up in horror.) Choose, Doctor!
THE DOCTOR: Well, never mind. I don't need a missile to defeat you, because I have...this!
(Draws and aims banana.)
DALEK: That is a banana!
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, that's what they tell me.
DALEK: What will you do with that?
THE DOCTOR: This!
(THE DOCTOR begins smacking DALEK with the banana.)
DALEK: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
THE DOCTOR: That's right, how does it feel?!
DALEK: It hurts...! Wait a second. I am a Dalek. I am indestructible!
THE DOCTOR: (stops hitting DALEK)
Oh, yeah.
DALEK: Extermi-
SOUND: TARDIS noise.
(THE DOCTOR and DALEK slowly turn in the direction of the TARDIS.)
DALEK: What is that?
THE DOCTOR: The TARDIS noise.
ROSE enters dramatically.
THE DOCTOR: Rose! What have you done?
ROSE: I looked into the TARDIS and the TARDIS looked into me.
THE DOCTOR: Oh, no! No one's meant to do that-! But if you hadn't, I'd be dead right now-! I have mixed feelings about this-!
ROSE: I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself. I scatter these words across time and space, bringing me here.
THE DOCTOR: Wait, what?
ROSE: (to DALEK) You. I see every atom of your existence and I divide them.
(She raises her hand. ACTOR throws DALEK prop offstage, as with the CASSANDRA prop, revealing that he is JACK.)
THE DOCTOR: (to AUDIENCE) It's Captain Jack Harkness!
JACK: Hey...Maybe I should just...leave.
ROSE: Wait. (she raises her hand; JACK jerks as if shot) Now you are immortal.
JACK: Cool. We could make a whole other TV show about that.
JACK exits.
THE DOCTOR: Okay, Rose. Now you can stop.
ROSE: But I can't.
THE DOCTOR: What? Why?
ROSE: My head...It's killing me...
THE DOCTOR: Just take some Advil!
ROSE: No, I mean the Time Vortex. I can't stop it.
THE DOCTOR: There has to be a way. The answer should be in your head. Look inside.
(ROSE closes her eyes, concentrating. Then, she opens them, looking shocked.)
THE DOCTOR: What?
ROSE: You're not going to like it.
THE DOCTOR: Rose, you just saved my life. I'll do anything to save yours.
ROSE: You have to kiss me.
THE DOCTOR: Well, there's always Peri.
(THE DOCTOR starts to leave.)
ROSE: Doctor!
THE DOCTOR: You're right, Rose. (sighs) I think...you need a Doctor.
(He gives her a very dramatic stage kiss.)
Lights fade. CAST moves TARDIS offstage.
THE DOCTOR: Rose.
Lights up. ROSE is lying on the floor. THE DOCTOR is crouched over her.
THE DOCTOR: Rose!
ROSE: (waking up) Where are we?
THE DOCTOR: We're in the TARDIS. (stands, then convulses) Gah!
ROSE: Doctor, what's happening?
THE DOCTOR: I'm dying, okay? We kissed the kiss of death and now every cell in my body's dying.
ROSE: I don't understand.
THE DOCTOR: I'll call the press!
ROSE: Isn't there something you can do?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, there is one thing I can do. But it means that every cell in my body's going to change. And before that happens, I just want to say goodbye.
ROSE: Wait a second. Is every cell in your body going to change, or is every cell in your body going to die? Because you're making it sound like you're going to die.
THE DOCTOR: You're right, I am, which will give you every right not to believe it's me after I change!
ROSE: Doctor, you're not making any sense.
THE DOCTOR: I might never make sense again. I might have two heads. I might have no head. But to be honest with you, I'll probably just look like David Tennant.
ROSE: Oh my gosh, I love David Tennant-!
THE DOCTOR: Rose, I'm dying here!
ROSE: Oh, right. Sorry.
THE DOCTOR: But before I go, Rose, there was just one thing I wanted to say. (ROSE leans in) Closer. (she puts her ear next to his mouth) I...ate...the banana. Gaahh!
THE DOCTOR is thrown offstage by a huge convulsion. Lights flash gently as ROSE watches THE DOCTOR regenerate.
NEW DOCTOR staggers onstage.
NEW DOCTOR: Ha! Brr! New teeth, that's weird, now where was I?
ROSE: You don't look anything like David Tennant.
(NEW DOCTOR looks sadly down at himself. This is true.)
NEW DOCTOR: Allons-y?
The end.