Waldo's Wedding

Deepest apologies to Joanna Cole, Roald Dahl, Terry Pratchett, J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (AKA Lewis Carroll), Frank L. Baum, Beatrix Potter, J.M. Barrie, Thomas M. Disch and Disney, the FBI, the makers of the Princess Bride, the makers of Inspector Gadget, the makers of Puff the Magic Dragon, the makers of The Phantom of the Opera, the makers of Pirates of the Carribean: Curse of the Black Pearl, the makers of Carmen Sandiego, and the makers of the Where's Waldo? books who have given us all endless entertainment and frustration. Absolutely no apology to Stephanie Meyer. Your annoying characters were asking for it.

Her red floppy hat shaded her eyes as she whispered a "Bonjour" to a confused-looking Parisian. She herself had long ago gotten used to the red trench coat but it often drew stares in muggy or hot weather like this. She chuckled to herself and drew nearer to the glittering tower. She felt her heart begin to race and her eyes glazed over. Yes, this would be her next heist. Let the fools at ACME try and stop her. She reached for her phone but it vibrated a moment before she could make a call. She frowned – her henchmen knew better than to disturb her and she'd just bought this phone yesterday. She opened her cell – 1 text message. It read: Car: herd ur in Paris! I lost. :( Come find me? Waldo.

In a small American school yard with an average-looking playground, average-looking students (with the possible exception of the one in glasses hiding in the monkey bars), and average-looking teachers (with the definite exception of a red-haired firebrand who had on an outrageous dress with red horizontal stripes and black question marks) another cell phone vibrated, this time belonging to the aforementioned firebrand. She opened it to read a rather different text message. She grinned for a moment, lost in thought. She turned her head and gazed directly at the boy in glasses who had picked an excellent hiding spot. Not good enough, though, to escape her attention. "Arnold!"

Arnold almost fell over. How did she do that every time? "Yes Ms. Frizzle?"

"We're going on a field trip! Get everyone and meet me at the bus!"

It was certainly Arnold's overactive imagination or his frustration at hearing his least favorite words "field trip" or perhaps even just the afternoon sun but Arnold swore he saw her earrings (odd little caps with red pompoms) gleam unnaturally. He stared for a moment as 'the Frizz' walked off. But then he snapped out of his reverie.

It felt like a death sentence to him, but to the bus they must go.

She of the red trench coat fame walked up and down the extremely crowded beach. It was just like him to hide in the open – but then she could hardly cast stones. She often found herself doing the same. An old and honored tactic, no matter the reason you didn't want to be found. And she did not, for a moment, believe Waldo was lost. He whose skills at hiding rivaled her own? He who was one of the most skilled couriers for the opposition? Lost? It was laughable. Almost as laughable as the fact that he was the one who had once almost made her fall –
There he was. And by the smug look on his face, most definitely not lost. She shook herself mentally and sidled up to him. She briefly admired the red stripes – cashmere? – before stepping into his view. That grin he unleashed ought to be three kinds of illegal. Steady there.

"Wally."

"Cara."

They embraced, awkwardly. "So good to find you, dear Wally."

"And you, Cara, leave such excellent clues for me." They smiled at each other, no longer awkward, and began walking on the beach going nowhere in particular. "I see you still wear your red trench coat."

"And you are still partial to those red stripes of yours."

He laughed. "You will think I am foolish if I say they remind me a little of you."

"You wore those long before we ever met."

"True. But still I see the red stripes and wonder about the red trench coat lady. Where she is, where she's hiding, what she's stolen this time."

"That what you're here for? Intel?" Carmen found her voice going several degrees cooler. Really, what else did you think it was?

"No, no. Just making time to see an old friend."

"Rubbish. You love work like an alcoholic loves liquor."

"I admit I find the thrill of the chase . . . exhilarating. But HQ insisted."

"So you came here to France."

"I came here to France. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that you were here as well! Not eyeing any of the lovely monuments, I hope?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Ahh, Cara. Never satisfied with the mundane."

"And you, Wally. Always perfectly satisfied with it."

Waldo suddenly veered off into a deserted stretch of beach. "I did not come here to talk shop with you, Cara."

"I suppose you came to try and talk me out of my fun in Paris."

"Still nothing of the sort. Come here."

Carmen looked around. She shrugged and followed him to a nearby log where he sat down. She sat down beside him and looked at him. "You're acting strangely Wally."

"I admit, I feel very strange. But I am told that happens . . . when one falls in love."

Carmen Sandiego felt a very strange sensation. It seemed to be that some organ in her chest was falling towards her shoes. "Really? Congratulations. Must be a good woman to go through the patience of finding you."

"Ahh, but you see, Cara, I found her."

"Oh?"

"Yes . . . on a mission in Florida. It seems like years ago that I first saw the sun flash off that ridiculous red floppy hat of hers."

"Wally?"

"I know, Cara. Too many things have stood in our way. But now . . . Cara . . . Carmen Sandiego . . . I won't ask you to give up your . . . passion for the unique . . . but marry me, Carmen Isabella Sandiego."

"Waldo, you are out of your mind."

"I am in love. It is near enough to the same thing."

"We work for different teams, remember?"

"Oh, I remember. Didn't you just hear me? I told you I wouldn't ask you to give it up. You doubt me, I see it in your eyes."

"ACME would stop us, my henchmen would stop us, the whole world and the very stars in the heavens would conspire against us. Marry you? Hiding has finally gotten to your brain if you think for one moment I'd touch ACME filth." She had meant for that to sting and silently rejoiced (and . . . what was that organ in her chest that bothered her now?) that his eyes flashed with pain.

"You have not said you don't love me."

"I don't love you." She found herself surprised at how easily she lied – but then, she was a master.

"Ahh, Cara. You are lying. And this I know because you are once again fiddling with that collar on your trench coat. You cannot fool me. You do love me. And if you love me, I can convince you to marry me. And we will hide in plain sight, leaving clues if you like, never to be found by anyone who would even think of conspiring against us. But marry we will."

The bus gears whined and Arnold found himself praying that it wouldn't start – just this once. Of course it did. He leaned back against the seat, hoping for an earthquake, a zombie attack, anything to get him out of this field trip. And, of course, it didn't happen. The bus lurched forward, pushing Arnold forward into the seat in front of him. It was Ms. Frizzle's seat. Of course it was.

"Arnold? Are you listening?"

"Uhh . . . what?"

"We're going on a trip to find some old friends of mine . . . I haven't heard Carmen's clues in ages! And Waldo can be such a trouble to find. But they've both vanished, very mysteriously. I've been asked to help."

Arnold pushed his glassed forward on his face. It wasn't the first time he found himself wondering exactly what connections the Frizz had . . . but then, he probably didn't want to know. It would almost certainly involve him taking chances, making mistakes, getting messy. He preferred the kind of thing that invited him to stay home today. "Oh, really?" He asked, noncommittally.

"It's going to take all of us thinking together! Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!"

"According to my research," Dorothy started up, "Carmen and Waldo are international spies. They may be trying to get secrets from each other."

"Excellent, Dorothy! Tim, your research will be on the spy industry. This is going to be quite a ride! Wahoo! Step on the gas, Liz!"

Arnold sank backward into his seat as the lizard moved a few knobs and transformed the average-looking school bus into a plane. As soon as you could say jet speed, they were up in the air and over the clouds.

Carmen Sandiego stomped into her headquarters, eyes flashing. One of her henchmen started to say something but thought better of it when she looked at him. She went over to the files (all good spies kept files on the opposition, after all) and started digging through them, muttering words under her breath that some of her henchmen winced to hear. She finally dug one out and retired into her room, slamming the door behind her.

"What's eating her?" One of the new recruits asked.

"Dunno. But when the boss lady's mad, you stay away till she's not. And you don't ask questions."

Another step sounded in the hall. "Cara, you cannot hide forever." Waldo shouted.

"Get that ACME filth out of here!" came the reply from Carmen's room.

Carmen's henchmen looked at each other and started to advance on Waldo. "Cara! I did not know you were such a coward! Will you send your minions instead of facing me yourself?"

The door flew open and Carmen stepped through it, eyes flashing. "What. Do. You. Want?"

"I thought I made that clear!"

"Oh, yes. ACME thinks I am such a fool, I would marry one of its top agents."

Very surprised looks were exchanged among Carmen's henchmen.

"ACME has nothing to do with this!"

"Right. I'm sure you came of your own accord, no ulterior motives in mind. Get out, Waldo. Or I'll have you shown out."

"How long have you known me, Cara?"

"Stop calling me that. My name is Carmen. Or Ms. Sandiego to you."

"When have I ever lied to you?"

"Interesting you should ask. I just pulled the file on you. Would you like a list? Or perhaps you'd just prefer some of the key highlights?"

"Listen, Cara-"

"Ms. Sandiego or you leave now."

"Fine. Ms. Sandiego, then. Listen, Ms. Sandiego. Whether or not you believe me is now irrelevant. I have informed ACME of my decision and they are sending in the best agent they have ever had. Ever."

Carmen felt herself go pale. She squeaked, "The Frizz? The Frizz is coming here?! Are you completely OUT OF YOUR MIND?!"

"Calm down Ca- . . . Ms. Sandiego."

"The Frizz is coming to V.I.L.E. and you want me to be calm?!"

"We can hide."

Carmen Sandiego threw her head back and laughed. "That's very good, Waldo. I'd almost forgotten you were a comedian."

"If we were married-"

"No. You've let 'the Frizz' know where I am, you're trying to manipulate me for ACME's sake, you're drunk, on drugs, I don't know. Something very very strange has gotten into you, but I'm not marrying you. We'll have to drop you off somewhere . . . and then I'll take off for somewhere else. Sydney, Rome, London. Somewhere."

"Cara. . . "

Carmen nodded to her henchmen who began dragging Waldo off to another part of the cave. Waldo looked back at her, his brows furrowed. "This is not over Cara. I have not sold you out. I do want to marry you. I've defected from ACME for you. And you can try to get rid of me. But I swear to you . . . wherever you hide, I will find you. You know that much."

Carmen looked at him, for a moment, her chin in her hand, eyes lost in thought. "Wait." She murmured. The henchmen stopped, looking at her. An odd glint crossed Carmen's eyes. "Perhaps we can use you after all . . . as a hostage."

The plane finally landed and Arnold easily guessed by the sight of the tall Eiffel Tower that they were in Paris. The Frizz was almost bouncing up and down on the edge of her seat, waiting to get out and find her friends. The spies. What were their names? Carmen and Waldo. How odd.
"Ms. Frizzle?" He heard Phoebe's voice behind him. "At my old school, we never went chasing after international spies."

"Then it's time to take chances! Make mistakes! Get messy!"

"Go home," Arnold muttered under his breath. He thought he heard the light giggle of Phoebe but didn't turn around to look. Some stupid girl thing.

The entire group assembled around the base of the Eiffel Tower. Dorothy started reciting facts about it, Wanda started taking pictures, and Arnold looked around for a safe place to hide from zombies.

"C'mon class! Carmen hid clues up on the top floor!" The entire class raced for the stairs, except Arnold who groaned and trailed after them.

"Cara, this is ridiculous. I am here of my own free will."

"I don't believe that and I very much doubt ACME will either. And it's still Ms. Sandiego." Carmen marched at the head of her henchmen, carrying Waldo in a vice grip. They came to a peculiar looking landing. Carmen pressed a few buttons and tapped her foot impatiently while a hot air balloon slowly rose to the platform from a deep cavern beneath them.

"Calling you Ms. Sandiego is also ridiculous."

Carmen didn't respond to Waldo's comment. Maybe if I just ignore him, I'll wake up and this whole ridiculous day will be over.

"If you'd just get your stubborn head out of that red hat you insist on wearing-"

Carmen spun around so fast, Waldo was dizzy when she grabbed him by the collar. "I told you once before: I don't take kindly to people who insult my hat."

"I remember. Georgia, right? The country, I mean."

"Then you will also remember what I promised to do to you if you insulted my hat."

In the middle of possibly the tensest hostage situation of all time, Waldo must have figured he had nothing else to lose. Or else he had a very strong death wish, because the next thing he did was to somehow loosen his arms from Carmen's goons, and pull her head forward. The V.I.L.E. henchmen gasped, expecting him to try and harm her (which would involve a lot of bodily damage - all to Waldo, of course), but could only stand there with mouths gaping as Waldo kissed Carmen Sandiego.

They were climbing yet another set of stairs. Arnold puffed along with everyone else, trying to make it to the top. "So . . . " He gasped. "How did you say you knew these spies, Ms. Frizzle?"

"Old classmates of mine."

Somehow, that didn't surprise Arnold. He supposed somewhere, there might be a school where Ms. Frizzles went. He then tried to imagine what Ms. Frizzle must have been like when she was his age and he almost fell off the stairs.

"Arnold? Are you paying attention?"

"I'm trying, Ms. Frizzle, I'm trying."

When they finally made it to the top, everybody was gasping for breath, holding their sides. "Ac-Ac-According . . . to . . . my . . . research . . . " Dorothy managed to gasp out. "This . . . is . . . the top!"

"Everybody fan out! Look for small pieces of paper with the letters C.S. on it. They might be addressed to ACME."

Of all people, Ralphie was the first one to find one. "Hey, Ms. Frizz! I think I found something!"
Everyone gathered around to read the very cryptic note: Hardly Worthit, Gone to see the pandas. That is, until I make them mine. C.S.

They stood in the basket of the hot air balloon. Carmen, two of her most loyal henchmen, and Waldo, chained to the side. Carmen had given orders to the rest of the minions to hide where they could. She didn't want too large a gathering - it would attract unwelcome attention. And the last thing she needed with the Frizz on her tail was attention.

She stood, watching the landscape, her back to the other three. She could feel the gaze of her two henchmen, very unsure what to make of the situation. Probably wondering why I didn't throw him off the platform. Carmen wondered that herself. She could feel Waldo also gazing at her. She was resolute on completely ignoring him. She was proud of her reaction to his very unexpected kiss - to slap him, hard.

"What a beautiful sight." Carmen turned her head a little at his voice. "The lady in red - you're always alone, Cara."

"Sorry. Don't know who you're talking to."

"It is ridiculous for me to call you Ms. Sandiego. We've known each other, thwarted each other, fought each other too long."

"I don't care what you think, ACME filth." Carmen turned her head back to watch the landscape.

"Really? So you're not at all interested in hearing why I proposed to you on the beach? You know, just a few hours ago when you were walking with me in public instead of holding me off by your yes men?" For the first time since she'd known him, Carmen could swear she heard a thread of . . . anger in Waldo's voice. She turned her head and looked at him, taking stock of him. Interesting . . .

"You can talk all you want, ACME filth."

Waldo looked at the two henchmen. "I would prefer not to do this in public, but since circumstances dictate this for me . . .You should know that since the first day I saw you on that beach in Florida and I saw the sun glint off your red hat and brown hair, I knew you weren't going to be any ordinary ACME mission. Of course, you are THE Carmen Sandiego so I just put it down to being a wet-behind-the-ears ACME agent, watching as you took off with your V.I.L.E. henchmen. But I rose in rank and experience - and it never went away. Every time I saw you, I fell a little more in love with the mysterious woman behind the red trench coat and fedora. I used to wait for your escape, watching every newspaper I could get my hands on, hoping I would read of some heist. And when I became I top ACME sleuth and you started talking to me as a . . . what did you call it? 'Professional respect' I think it was, I was over the moon. Every night I would go home to ACME a little more distant from them and a little closer to you. I even thought about applying to be one of your henchmen but I knew you would never trust me. You would never take me seriously. So today I saw you, knowing in my heart I had two choices: I could either break my heart and take you to ACME jail . . . or I could break my faith with ACME and take my chances with you. I chose the latter. May all the heavens have mercy on me . . . I chose the latter, Carmen Isabella Sandiego. I love you. I have from the first day I met you. And you . . . you can't tell me it's been entirely one-sided. I've seen the way you treat other ACME sleuths. It was always different between us - you always made the chase harder for me than anyone else. Your way of showing endearment, I know. So, Carmen Isabella Sandiego, you know me. I grew up in an orphan's home, recruited by ACME at a young age. The only family I ever knew. Keep your last name, keep your V.I.L.E., keep your monuments and landmarks, but marry me. Please."

Ms. Frizzle and the gang had arrived in China. Ms. Frizzle looked over her class, counting to make sure she had everyone. She couldn't believe the news from the Chief: Waldo had defected. According to his note, he was going to marry Carmen Sandiego. Waldo, one of their most loyal agents, was going to go to the head of their opposition and ask . . .

Valerie Frizzle couldn't believe it. She was certain Carmen had had a hand in this, somehow. Maybe holding Waldo for ransom or . . . put something in Waldo's coffee. Although, now that she thought about it, Waldo had been acting oddly . . . Well, more oddly than usual.

Valerie had found herself thinking quite a bit about Waldo ever since she had been recruited by ACME. His goofy-looking glasses. His striped shirt. His ridiculous hat with the pompom. But somehow, he blended right into the crowd. Valerie found herself getting a little weak in the knees, thinking about him. He was so smart and so adept at following Carmen's clues . . .What a shame it would be to lose him. . . and how much of a heart break. . .

Oh, Waldo, she thought to herself. Where are you?

The balloon landed gently in the middle of the Yangtze river. Carmen pushed a few buttons and the balloons were released high into the air. She looked at her two henchmen and snapped, "Paddle."

The two henchmen jumped and then raced to do her bidding. It was the first thing she'd said since Waldo's declaration hours earlier. It was very unlike Carmen Sandiego. The Carmen they knew would've pushed the ACME agent out of the balloon before listening to that sort of nonsense. What else could it be but a setup? But she was still letting him travel with them.
The little crate they were in eventually reached shore. One of the henchmen helped Carmen off onto the shore and then both of them forcefully carried Waldo out. "Really, guys, this isn't necessary. I'm here to stay."

"Tell it to the boss lady." One of them growled.

"I've already heard it, thank you." Carmen said, punching a few numbers into her phone. She looked up and put it away as a crazy looking man, complete with top hat and cane made his way over the hill.

"Wonka. So very nice to meet you again, my good agent. I know you've met my two henchmen and of course, you've met Waldo."

Waldo's jaw dropped almost to his chest. "Willy Wonka? Is a V.I.L.E. agent? Has the whole world gone mad?! I thought he was an ACME agent!"

"Double agent. I must say, I'm very surprised you'd let him see me Carmen."

"He's claimed to have defected. Says he wants to marry me." The utter indifference in her tone was not lost on anyone. The man with the cane gave her a sharp look.

"Indeed? And you didn't have him fed to the sharks? Must be special. If he's defected, there will be a note from the Chief. Come on in while you wait and I'll check."

"He's not special. I just need to know if I should leave him somewhere in Timbuktu or if he might be . . . useful."

As the Frizz and her class wandered over The Great Wall, Arnold began to wonder if they would ever get home. He tripped over a stone and saw a note. He picked it up. It read Who Dunit, Off to the Hollywood of the Middle East! - C. Sandiego. P.S. Watch out for ACME! Arnold could not believe it."Uh . . . Ms. Frizzle? I think I found something!"

Dorothy piped up, "According to my research, Cairo is known as the Hollywood of the Middle East!"

"Then we're off!"

"No." Arnold was even more surprised. "I think we should go back to Paris."

Ms. Frizzle stared at Arnold for a moment. She then opened her phone and typed something quickly into it. The entire class started shouting at Arnold. When it buzzed, she stared at the phone, then Arnold. "He's right." The class quieted. "What?" Dorothy asked. "But my research . . ."

"It's too easy." Arnold said. "The clues. The fact we can find them. The fact I could find one. And she's the head of an international spy organization? That can outwit ours? No."

"Arnold Matthew Perlstein. I knew you had it in you!" Ms. Frizzle shouted. "All right everyone, back to the bus. We're headed back to Paris!"

The four V.I.L.E. members and Waldo gathered around Wonka's computer. "This will just take a moment." He said, pressing a few buttons. The computer chimed: "Now loading: scary tunnel. Please input password." Wonka started singing, "There's no earthly way of knowing . . . where on earth that we are going . . ." The computer chimed, "Password accepted. Please stand by."

"You absolutely must install one of those on my computers, dear Wonka." Carmen said.

"An absolute delight, lovely boss lady. Ahh, here's the ACME network."

"I never would've believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes." Waldo murmured.

A few keystrokes had Wonka looking very puzzled at the computer. He turned his full attention as the screen filled with screens of information. "What's all that?" Carmen asked. "I thought you were just going to check if Waldo had defected."

"I was. It seems, however, that most of the comments by the agents here are convinced that if he did so, he did not do so of his own free will. The Chief - how odd. The Chief has almost nothing to say on the matter except that they are waiting for a full report from Agent 8675309. The Frizz, of course. Peculiar. Very peculiar. They also mention something odd going on at the suspected V.I.L.E. HQ - Carmen, they know the real spot! And . . .it looks like a coup!"

"What? My henchmen? Try to overthrow me?"

"I'd at least go check it out. ACME agents may not be the most intelligent beings on the planet, but a coup is hard to mistake."

Carmen looked highly annoyed. Both her henchmen edged away from her. She turned and stared at Waldo. "YOU! This is all your fault!"

"Me? How on earth is this my fault?"

"If you hadn't decided to pull your stupid little defecting stunt, none of this would've happened!"

"It is not a stunt. And I'm still not sure how I caused a coup in your organization."

Carmen's eyes brightened and her henchmen shuffled back farther. Waldo was directly standing in her line of fire . . .but he wasn't backing down. At V.I.L.E., this meant one of three things: you were new, you were stupid, or you were exceptionally brave. None of the V.I.L.E. agents were that brave, so it boiled down to a choice between new or stupid. Since Waldo surely knew Carmen and her moods . . .

"Let's go. I don't have time to deal with you right now, so you're coming along." She snapped, and stomped out of the cave. The two henchmen looked shocked that Waldo hadn't been incinerated, but grabbed him and forced him along.

"You know, if you let me walk on my own two feet, I'd still follow." Waldo said, again trying to reason with them.

"Wait! I want to go too!" Wonka said. "Please Carmen? I've been waiting all my life to meet the Frizz."

"Fine, Wonka. Get on." Carmen punched a few buttons on her watch and the sound of a helicopter's blades sounded softly in the distance.

Ms. Frizzle and her class were exhausted. Well, not Ms. Frizzle so much but she did have to remember that her class was not composed of limitless energy. "All right troops," she said, looking at them. "Let's find a place to eat and sleep."

This was met with a faint cheer. Even Dorothy couldn't finish, "According to my . . . research" without a yawn. Definitely time to find a hotel. Then Ms. Frizzle would continue the search herself, leaving Liz in charge to watch the students. They stumbled across a cheap hotel with a decent dinner. Everyone had something to eat and they stumbled to their various rooms. She listened to them turn in and heard Arnold mumble, "I knew . . ." but she didn't hear him finish it. She nodded to Liz. "I have to go. Watch over them." Liz nodded. She knew better than to ask questions.

Valerie slipped out of the hotel, her dress becoming black and her earrings little magnifying glasses. "Thank you Chief," she murmured as she began her trek to the suspected location of the V.I.L.E. HQ. Valerie had heard something earlier about a suspected coup. She didn't believe it. Nobody who worked for Carmen was that stupid, for one. And Carmen thoroughly vetted all her agents.

Valerie slipped through the streets, only coming close to a few Parisians. She just ducked down the side streets and waited for them to pass by. The fewer people who saw her out, the better. She sneaked to a street across from the possible V.I.L.E. HQ site. She quickly ducked into shadow as she saw a small group of people walk by. Her earrings glowed when she saw a red hat underneath the street light.

Carmen was exhausted, but she was not about to admit that. All she wanted to do was sleep some place she didn't have to worry about coups or the Frizz. She muttered something unpleasant under her breath about ACME agents. "Hey now, not all of us are like that."

With that comment, Carmen was ready to smack Waldo again. She ground her teeth and made a motion to one of her henchmen to open the door. Wonka stood by. "A grocery store, Carmen?"
"A real grocery store. Not only does it provide a good front, it saves on pizza delieveries."

A bus horn sounded nearby and Wonka turned. He looked pale. "Valerie? What on earth are you doing here?"

"Wonka?" The red-headed teacher came out of the alley. She looked very confused that Wonka was next to Carmen Sandiego. Carmen blanched and hissed under her breath.
The bus sounded again. "Oh, dear. I'm afraid the bus has run over something!" Ms. Frizzle said, completely frazzled. "It's never done anything like that before."

Wonka looked under the bus. "Don't worry, Frizzie. It was only an emo sparkling vampire and a whiny codependent chick."

"Oh, well. Nobody will miss them. But what are you doing here? You didn't answer my question."

"Well, it was covert ops. I'm afraid it's all rather out of the bag now, as Carmen Sandiego assuredly knows who you are. But what are you doing here?"

"I was sent to rescue Waldo."

"For the LAST TIME, I do NOT want to be rescued! This is exactly where I want to be! I fell in love, Frizzie! You should try it sometime!"

Ms. Frizzle looked at Waldo's passionate outburst with pure shock on her face. "I did try it. He loved someone else. And, apparently, I just fell for the same game again."

"What are you . . . Oh." Waldo looked at her ."But it never would've worked between us. You must see that now."

"No, I don't. But I see you are determined to stay here. With her, ACME enemy number one. I still can't believe we lost two of our two top agents to V.I.L.E."

Carmen watched the whole dialogue with a somewhat detached feeling. "You're not going to try and get him back?"

"I'd try if I thought it would do any good. But I know him well enough to understand that look on his face. He's made up his mind and no Hell, Heaven, or highwater will keep him from it."

A small ding sounded, breaking the room of the silent tension that fell after that remark. Camren, Wonka, Waldo, a few henchmen, and the Frizz all turned to hear the swish of the sliding doors open to reveal a figure, dressed all in black . . .

. . . and unbelievably short. The Frizz did a double take. "Arnold?"

Arnold looked up at his teacher, at Carmen, Wonka, Waldo, and the various henchmen. "Well, I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised." He pulled out something small that shone in the store's fluroescent lights. Ms. Frizzle's ACME training immediately told her what it was: a Smith and Wesson 642 Centennial Airweight revolver.

Carmen was amused. Either that or close to hysterical. She composed herself before saying, "That's a rather dangerous piece you have there. Why not hand it over?" She extended her gloved hand and smiled at the boy. His eyes narrowed.

"That won't be necessary." He pulled out a small wallet with a gleaming badge. "Arnold Matthew Perlstein. FBI."

There was absolute silence again and the tension was so thick, it could be cut with a knife. Everybody was looking at this - he couldn't have been older than 6th grade - boy, whose sandy brown hair was tousled, and whose eyeglasses almost covered his face, waving around a Smith and Wesson. Ms. Frizzle was the first one to speak. "You cannot be serious."

"I'm as serious as a myocardial infarction. The FBI has been tracing your movements for years. They're going to have a lot of questions for 'the Frizz' and for you, Ms. Sandiego."

"But you're completely incompetent at everything! You can't even run across the playground without tripping over your shoelaces!" Ms. Frizzle shouted only to watch a slow grin come over Arnold's face.

"Perfect cover. Who would suspect a bumbling boy to be an FBI agent? No sudden movements, now. There comes the calvary."

A pool of red and blue lights appeared outside of the store. Carmen felt her neck muscles tense up. She looked at Waldo. "This is all your fault!" She hissed.

Waldo sighed and said, "Excuse me, Agent Perlstein. Could I have a word?"

"You can talk all you want. Just remember: anything you say-"

"Thanks for the Miranda rights, but it's not needed. I just wanted to say that you have it totally wrong about Ms. Sandiego."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm the one in charge of V.I.L.E. I've just been using her as a front all these years. " He grabbed Carmen and pulled out a Chief's Special Airweight .38 special. "I'm not above using her in a hostage situation though."

Carmen responded by kicking Waldo in the groin. Waldo didn't even flinch. He just tightened his grip. "Save your struggles, little birdie. We'll be home free soon."

"NOBODY tells ACME, the FBI, or anyone else I'm not the Villainess of V.I.L.E." Carmen spat, and she pushed a button on her watch.

Chaos, destruction, and disorder followed. Muffled explosions were heard all around the grocery store and the sprinkler system went off. Waldo raised his eyebrows and looked at Carmen. "You actually thought of an escape plan in case you got cornered like this."

"I'm the Villainess of V.I.L.E. for a reason you retard." Carmen looked at the Frizz and Arnold who had ducked under some counters to hide from the explosions shaking the building. "Time for me and my henchmen to get out of town. Lovely seeing you again Waldo. Let's do it again soon." She pointed her watch at the ceiling and pressed another button. The roof opened up and a helicopter dropped its rope down.

Waldo shook his head. "I do believe you have a button for everything on your watch. But I'm not leaving."

"Wonka? Would you be a dear?" Wonka yanked Waldo off Carmen and pinned him to the floor. Wonka watchhed as the henchmen got on the rope ladder followed by Carmen. "Come along, Wonka."

"I think I'd better stay here. I might be able to salvage the ACME relationship."

Carmen looked at him, and raised her eyebrows. "Your choice," she said, shrugging, and she continued up the ladder into the helicopter. Suddenly, Waldo broke free of the pin Wonka had on him. As the ladder raised from the ground, he used his cane to grab on the bottom rung. He disappeared as the helicopter slowly raised the ladder into its darkness and sped off into the night. Wonka, the Frizz, Arnold, and the FBI agents who swarmed the place watched from the ground.

"Unbelievable," Arnold muttered. "THAT close to catching the Carmen Sandiego of V.I.L.E. and she got away because some ACME idiot decided to help her. The chief will never let me live this down."

In the sky, Carmen Sandiego wasn't much happier. She was glaring at Waldo and at her helicopter pilot. "You. What do I have to do to make you go away? And you. You didn't move fast enough to ensure he couldn't grab on."

Waldo threw his head back and laughed. "He could have moved at Mach 3 and I still would have found a way to track you. I told you," he said, sitting down on one of the seats and buckling himself in. "I'm not leaving."

"Whatever." Carmen said, buckling herself into the seat farthest away from him. "I'll deal with getting rid of you and your sorry self in the morning. In the meantime, I am exhausted. I've been chased by the Frizz, the FBI, and some deluded ACME agent. I am going to sleep."

One of Carmen's henchmen, Vic the Stick, pulled out a small Glock. "Not quite yet, you're not."

"What the heck?!" Carmen sputtered. Vic laughed, in a way that gave even Carmen goose bumps.

"Did you not believe ACME's report about the coup? I assure you it was quite real. I'm in charge now. The pilot is taking us where I say. You poor deluded ape-brained buffoons!"

"Ook." From the back of the plane came the Discworld Librarian. He eyed Vic. What happened next was a scene of carnage too gory to describe. Suffice it to say that at the end of it, Carmen Sandiego was back in charge of V.I.L.E. She looked at the Librarian. "Thanks, I owe you one."

"Oook." The Librarian eyed Waldo and turned back to Carmen. "Ook?"

"Yeah, I know. I thought so too. He says he wants to marry me."

"Ook."

"I'm trying. He'll be gone by the end of tomorrow."

"I will not."

"What are you gonna do, Waldo? Sic Smaug on me?"

"If he wasn't retired, maybe he could breathe some sense into you! God above knows no one else can!"

Carmen glared at Waldo. Waldo sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm tired, you're tired. Let's sleep."

The two fell into uneasy light slumbers as the helicopter continued through the night sky, piloted by the Librarian.

Meanwhile, ACME and the FBI's top leaders were having a secret meeting in Paris. All the agents waited to try and hear what was going on inside, but they hadn't taken any chances. The only agents allowed inside were Arnold, the Frizz, and Wonka. And they hadn't looked happy going in. The room was buzzing with rumors.

Finally, the doors opened. The Chief came out, polishing her glasses with the Frizz and Wonka behind her. The head of the FBI, Robert S. Mueller III came out with Arnold following him. He nodded to the Chief and took the podium in the front of the room.

"My good agents, I want you to work with ACME. Their mission is the same as ours: to rid the world of injustice." And with that, he exited stage left. The Chief took the podium next to the hushed murmurs of the room.

"I want you all to know that we at ACME appreciate your fine work. Our agents have come up with some phenomenal information about V.I.L.E. One was even working as a mole for a number of years. Based on that, we are committed to wiping out V.I.L.E. wherever it may work. We believe the best way to do that is to take out its leader: Carmen Sandiego."

This was followed by a description of Carmen Sandiego and her methods that the Frizz tuned out on. She walked out of the room, followed by Wonka. She went trudging down the streets of Paris not really caring that she was being followed. Finally, on one street corner he caught up with her.

"You seem upset."

"Very perceptive. Tell me, can you also tell when a round peg doesn't fit in a square hole?"

"Is it because you didn't catch her?"

"Partly."

"Lots of ACME agents have had her slip through their fingers. That's what she does best."

"But I was so close. Haven't you ever been close to winning something, only to have it snatched away? It's like that, except this is my life long goal. I should've been able to do it. Had I been paying attention and figured out that one of my students was an FBI agent, maybe I could've."

"You can't really be blamed for that either. You were focused on your goal. That's what you're trained to do."

"And Waldo. Waldo was my friend. I thought I knew him. I thought I . . . nevermind. It doesn't matter. I was obviously completely and utterly wrong."

"Is that what's really bothering you? He's a fool thrice over. What do you care about what he thinks?"

At that, Ms. Frizzle stopped in her tracks. She refrained from hitting Wonka only because she saw one of her friends. "Susan! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, just wandering around Paris on orders!"

"Orders?"

"I'm part of the Royal Order of Narnian Ninja Pirates."

"The wha?"

"Royal Order of Narnian Ninja Pirates. We're new." Susan nodded as if that explained everything.

"I . . . see. Well, good luck with that."

"Thanks. How are things in ACME going? Still pining over that Waldo fellow?"

"I really don't want to talk about that right now."

"Pining? Seriously? Over him?" Wonka's irritated reply made Valerie close her eyes in frustration.

"Oooh, sorry about that." Susan said.

"Don't worry about it. Look, I have to get going. My class is still in Paris and probably climbing up the ceiling by now."

"Of course. Give me a call if you're ever in Narnia." With that, Susan leaped into the air, singing, "Yo ho, yo ho, the lion's life for me!"

Carmen and Waldo stepped off the helicpoter into a barren desert. "Where are we?" He asked, then looked at Carmen. "You'll just tell me I need to figure it out, won't you?"

"You always were a quick one."

"Not too quick or I would've done this a long time ago."

Carmen didn't respond, simply continued on the only path Waldo could see. She kept silent for a few minutes. Waldo kept pace a little behind her and didn't try to talk. She finally turned and stared at him, straight in the eyes. "Why are you doing this? The truth, Waldo. I don't want to hear about your undying love for me."

"But that is the truth, Cara. I'm not sure what more I have to do to get you to belive me."

"You spent years trying to hunt me down for ACME's sake. I think it might take a little longer than a day to establish trust here."

"Come off it, Cara. You know in your heart I'm telling the truth."

"Interesting lecture, ACME filth. But spare me. I've had moles, I've had spies, I've had various V.I.L.E. guys all tell me how true they were going to be. I'm the head of V.I.L.E. I don't believe in undying love. Never have. If I can buy their loyalty for the moment, that's about as much as I expect out of any of them."

"That's cold."

"You don't get to be the head of V.I.L.E. by fraternizing."

"Is that what you really want, Cara? To be the head of V.I.L.E."

"What kind of a question is that? Of course I want to be the head of V.I.L.E. I want to be empress of the world, when it comes to that. Would've been by now except for ACME."

"Sometimes, I wonder Cara."

Carmen looked at Waldo in surprise. Again, she decided on silence until they came to a small house which had seemingly no business being out in the middle of the desert.

"So, what do we do now?" Ms. Frizzle looked at Arnold who had managed, somehow, to beat her back to the hotel and look like he was blending in. They were alone in the hallway as she considered the question.

"I really have no idea." She decided to admit, ignoring the stares she got from both Arnold and Wonka. "I imagine Carmen's clues will show up sooner or later. They always do. And as for Waldo, when he doesn't want to be found, good luck."

Just then, the door opened and a figure dressed all in black with a cutlass instead of shurikens. The figure bowed in front of Ms. Frizzle. "My name is Susan Pevensie. I am of the Royal Order of the Narnian Ninja Pirates. I have orders from the lion - prepare to die."

What happened in the next few minutes, Arnold was never quite sure of, but when the dust had settled, Ms. Frizzle was the one holding the cutlass and Susan Pevensie's face had been revealed. He stared on in amazement as Susan bowed. "I have met my match - but I must tell you something. I am not left handed."

There was another brief scuffle. At the end of that, Ms. Frizzle was still holding the cutlass. "Neither am I, my dear." Susan bowed again. Arnold felt his mouth gaping open and closed it, feeling himself turning slightly red.

Just then, the Cheshire Cat wandered in. His pink and purple stripes seemed to move as Arnold watched him. He came up to Susan. "Hello. How are you?"

"Aren't you the one who told me that the Lion had these orders?" Susan gestured towards Ms. Frizzle.

"Was it me? Or was it someone who looked like me? Or was it my reflection?"

Arnold said, "I think I'm a little confused."

The Cheshire Cat grinned. "Oh, don't worry about that. We're all a little mad here . . .Mad as a hatter, in fact."

"Something's wrong in Narnia. I have to go. Sorry, Frizzie!" Susan ran off into the night. Arnold found himself staring after her.

"What was THAT about?" He asked her, just to see her grin. She pointed at the Cheshire Cat, also beaming who slowly faded away. "Uhh . . . Right. I didn't see that, then."

"But now we know where to look."

"WHAT?"

"The Cheshire Cat is an old friend of mine. Come on, Arnold! We're going to see the Hatter!"

Arnold followed, in a bit of a daze, muttering, "I knew I should've stayed home today . . . "

"Cara, for the last time. I do not want to go back to ACME." Waldo tried to sputter as he followed her down a long, oddly twisting and garishly patterned hallway.

"You don't know what you want. I brought you here to see the Hatter. He'll talk some sense into you." Carmen said, pulling her hat a little lower over her eyes. They came to a wooden door. To Waldo's shock, the doorknob morphed into a face. Carmen gave the nose a quick hard yank to the right.

"You could be more gentle, you know." The doorknob said as the door creaked open.

"Next time," Carmen said as she strode through, "I'll bring you a little polish to make up for it. Don't let any ACME or FBI through."

"Such a lovely lady." The door swung shut behind them and Waldo thought he heard a click. He looked in front of them and almost tripped over Carmen at the sight of a ridiculously long table, covered with linen filled with tea pots, saucers, cups, toast, marmalade, and all sorts of other things you associate with a tea party. Instead of young ladies sitting there, however, the table was mostly empty except for one distinguished looking gentleman in a ridiculous top hat.

"Good day, Hatter," Carmen said. The gentleman (undoubtedly the Hatter) looked up and upset his tea everywhere. (He managed to get a great deal of it on his shirt or the tablecloth, but Waldo personally observed more than a splash ending up in his shoe).

"Carmen, Carmen! Have you come for your unbirthday? Or perhaps another of my tea parties?"

"Not this time. I need you to see just how mad this . . . gentleman is."

"Goodness me, goodness me, where are my glasses?" The Hatter asked, fumbling around, knocking several teapots, saucers, and cups over before finding a very unusual pair of glasses: they had black and white checks on one lens and various polka dots on the other. But before he could put it on, a toaster jumped up on the table.

"Those glasses would be perfect for Lampy!" He cried, snatching them and bounding away. The brave little toaster probably would've made off with the Hatter's glasses except for a hand that reached out to grab it. "I'll just take that. These belong to my uncle." A girl with yellow pigtails said, turning to a man dressed in a gray fedora and trench coat. "Here you are, Uncle Gadget."

"Wowsers, Penny! Except I already have my Go Go Gadget Glasses!" A pair of socks appeared in Gadget's hands. He muttered, "I really need to get that fixed."

"Gadget too. This is getting a little silly, Cara. How many ACME agents belong to you?"

"He's an ACME agent?!" The shock in Carmen Sandiego's voice was too real to deny. Both Waldo and Carmen stared at the spy, in shock.

"I'm an ACME agent? Penny?" Inspector Gadget asked, sounding equally confused. "Does that make him the bad guy?" He asked, pointing at Brain.

"No, Uncle Gadget. You're not an ACME agent or a VILE agent. You work for Metro City, remember? And that is not a bad guy."

"Enough. I'll be looking into your credentials later, Gadget. Right now, Waldo and I are going to have a little chat with the Hatter. Alone."

A few seconds later when the room was vacated, both Carmen and Waldo sat down at the table. The Hatter cleaned his glasses and put them on, shaking his head. "You always did know how to ruin a good party."

Outside, Ms. Frizzle and Arnold were staring at the door, trying to figure out how to get into the Hatter's residence. "He always leaves it unlocked. Of course, he's usually the one who summons me . . . I don't understand what's going on." Ms. Frizzled said, frowning.

"Where are we?" Arnold asked, looking around the vast desert terrain.

"I told you - we're here to visit an old friend of mine. That is, if I can figure out how to make him answer the door."

"Why not just ring the doorbell?" Arnold asked, sarcastically.

Ms. Frizzle pointed to the sign on the door. "BELL OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE KNOCK."

As the Hatter was pouring the tea, a black-belted rabbit burst in through the window. "All right, nobody move."

"Honestly, Benjamin. You're so dramatic," Carmen said, sniffing, her pinky daintily raised. "What is it you want?"

"You know what I want! You have to release the flying monkeys! They've been in your service for too long!"

"That's quite a threat for a bunny whose cousin I hold hostage."

"You can't threaten me, woman!" The rabbit bounced over to Waldo, who had been watching this with some confusion, looked the black-belted bunny and started laughing.

"Oh, you think you're so smart, you stupid candy cane? Watch this - I'll take you hostage!" The bunny bounced up to Waldo, grabbed him by his striped shirt collar, and bounced out the window before Carmen could do anything about it.

"Stop that! Come back here you stupid bunny! Honestly."

The Hatter looked worried. "I'm sorry Cara."

"Oh, don't you start with that. And anyway, what do you have to be sorry about?"

"For still having tea with Benjamin."

"It's nothing. Waldo's not in any danger."

"A month ago, I would have agreed. But Benjamin . . . Benjamin has fallen in with the Neverland crowd."

Carmen felt her face going pale. "The . . . no. Oh, no. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I would have over tea, but you brought Waldo over . . .I thought that was more important."

"I . . . I have to go get him."

"You do care about him."

Carmen looked at the Hatter. "I'm sorry."

"I knew it would never work out with us. I'm glad you found someone. But you're right – you should go get him. Before some other megalomaniac spy picks him up, perhaps?"

"As if there's anyone to compare to me."

"Quite true, Cara. There is no one to compare to you."
***

After having had a very bumpy ride on Puff the Magic dragon which Waldo had not enjoyed, he had been bounced unnecessarily by Benjamin into a dark room aboard a ship. Waldo stared at Benjamin Bunny who was being paid a large amount of cash by a pirate with a hook for a hand. "There ye are. Ye are a might expensive, for a rabbit, but ye delivered the goods."

"Thank you, Captain. Pleasure doing business with you." Benjamin bounced off and Waldo looked up as the pirate sneered down at him. "Well, well, So the famous Waldo is found at last."

"Oh, ha ha. Gee, I have never heard that one before."

"You'd do best to keep your mirth to yourself. You're not who I'm really after."

"Let me guess – Carmen Sandiego."

"The one and only."

"Why?"

"She's supposed to be my bride! But instead of stayin' around, she stole my teddy bear!"

"Your teddy bear."

"I can't sleep without it! Smee's no help! Smee! C'mere and ensure our prisoner is secured. Wouldn't want him runnin' off."

A rather large bumbling man with a bandanna tied around his head came through the door with a good length of rope. "Now, you just be a good Waldo."

"I have no intention of fighting you, though I should warn you. Carmen Sandiego is not the least bit interested in me."

"That's what they all say." Captain Hook harrumphed. He watched closely as Smee tied Waldo firmly to a pole. True to his word, Waldo made no attempt to struggle or get away. Captain Hook came over and tested the firmness of the knots himself. Satisfied, he and Smee went up a flight of stairs leaving Waldo in the dark to contemplate his fate.

Arnold and the Frizz were greeted outside the door by a funny looking man in a top hat. "Frizz! What can I do for you? Would you both like a tea party? Of course you would!" The Mad Hatter (for Arnold guessed he could be no other) opened the door wider into a room full of tea pots and messy dishes.

"Enough, Hatter. We're here to discuss Carmen. And I know she was here."

"Why, my dear Frizzie –"

"Enough!" Arnold snapped. "I have had enough of all of you protecting her. This is ridiculous. I was within two feet of taking her into headquarters. You will tell me where she is right now you sorry excuse for a hatter!"

"Arnold! I'm sorry, really . . . " Ms. Frizzle stopped as she saw the Mad Hatter's eyes glow. She stepped back and the Hatter took a step towards Arnold.

"Yes, a sorry excuse for a hatter. Too sorry for her. And if we have unbirthdays, why shouldn't she be made un-happy?" An evil grin crossed the Hatter's face. "Most unhappy. Perhaps if he is out of the picture, someone else can come in. . ." He turned to Ms. Frizzle. "Carmen's in Neverland. Looking for Waldo, I think. To have some sort of happily ever after or something."

"Grand. Off to Neverland it is then." Ms. Frizzle grabbed a very shocked looking Arnold by the arm and dragged him off as the Hatter stared at his feet, mumbling to himself.

"Perhaps a good flogging of the prisoner will give her a faster response rate. Smee! See to it!" Waldo looked up in horror as Smee prepared a cat o'nine tails. He felt it swish angrily on his back several times before he heard a voice.

"My name is Susan Pevensie. I am of the Royal Order of the Narnian Ninja Pirates. You are messing with the orders from the lion!" Waldo looked up to see a rather angry looking girl in a black suit, armed with a cutlass and adorned with a simple crown facing off against a very calm Captain Hook and a nervously twitching Smee. (Of course, Smee was always nervously twitching – but this time he seemed to be doing so faster than usual).

"I am so pleased to meet your acquaintance . . . Susan Pevensie." Captain Hook said, using his hook to twirl his mustache. It took all Waldo's fortitude not to vomit.

"I wish I could say the same. You will stop meddling in the lion's affairs at once! Or prepare to be boarded by the Narnian army!"

"Indeed?"

"I would comply with her wishes if I were you." A calm voice seemed to radiate from the ceiling.

"Who goes there?!" Captain Hook called, angrily.

"Someone not at all interested in the Narnian army, but . . . well, you have something that belongs to me." A ladder descended from a hole that appeared to be cut in the ceiling. Waldo, who had in fact lost a portion of his last meal, looked up to see a red boot descend.

"Cara. You came."

"You see, you have one of my henchmen." Carmen said, not looking in Waldo's direction.

"Oh, henchmen is it now? That's funny – I could've sworn Smee came across an ACME membership card. And Cara seems awfully familiar for a lackey."

"Double agent for me of course. And he insists on being far too familiar than is good for him. Release him. Or I shall use V.I.L.E. to make your life . . . difficult. It is so hard for pirates to be respected once their own ship has been plundered."

"Are you threatening me, my dear? That's not lady-like. And I don't respond well to threats. Smee, take the prisoner out to the main deck. I think that blasted crocodile might just be hungry again."

"Yes, sir. Right away, captain."

Carmen and Captain Hook glared at each other as Smee forcibly carried Waldo out of the room. It was only then that Carmen saw Susan. "Who is this? Your new doxie?"

"I am most certainly NOT his doxie! I am Susan Pevensie of the Royal Order of Narnian Ninja Pirates and I am here on business of the lion, mostly to get this foul creature to stop meddling with it!"

"None of my affair, then." Carmen said, turning to Hook. "Release him, Hook."

"Or what? Your pathetic organization made of bumbling fools will come steal my mainsail?"

"Oh, I think we can do better than that. After all, your bumbling fool just took Waldo to the stern rather than the main deck. He does seem to get lost a lot. Shame if you were to lose him."

"Where are you going?"

Ms. Frizzle looked over her shoulder, not at all surprised to see Wonka there. "Neverland."

"Why?"

"Waldo's there."

"Is that all?"

"What do you mean is that all? I have to bring him back!"

"Have to?"

"Yes! It's my duty."

"Is that what you're telling your boss? Or is that what you're telling yourself?"

Ms. Frizzle stopped walking and turned quickly, only to be deflated by the look on Wonka's face. "I . . . even if ACME weren't . . . I can't just leave him there. You don't know that crowd . . . "

"True - he is in some danger. But any agent could rescue him."

Arnold muttered, "As long as they don't mind the FBI."

"Even the boy would do well."

"I . . . I can't . . . "

"You can't what?"

"Waldo needs me." She turned to go again, but Wonka grabbed her elbow.

"No. He doesn't. There is no nice way of saying this . . . he doesn't. want. you."

"But I took chances . . . got messy . . . "

"And made a mistake. Even you, Valerie Felicity Frizzle, are allowed to do that."

"So, what is it you want from him?" Carmen Sandiego was in Captain Hook's quarters, leaning back in a chair, her hands behind her head, her feet on his desk.

"You're quite blunt. I like that in a woman," Hook said, pouring a small amount of alcohol into two shot glasses.

"You're avoiding my question. I hate that in a man," Carmen said, raising an eyebrow.

"Very well. I'll come straight to the point." Hook gave one of the glasses to Carmen as he sat down on the edge of his desk right next to Carmen's feet. "I want you, me hearty."

"Excuse me?"

"In exchange for his freedom, you stay with me."

"An interesting proposal. If I might inquire, what would I be doing here?"

"Even pirates like me need a dread lady at their side."

"That's what your strumpet is for."

"She's not my strumpet. I've never even seen her before." Captain Hook drank the shot glass, then took the bottle and took a rather large swig of the rum.

"Regardless of who she is to you, I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. I have a business to run. I can hardly do that from a pirate ship."

"So become a pirate."

"You can't be serious."

"Oh, I'm quite serious. I'm not at all cowed by your little threat of getting rid of Smee or of talking Waldo. You and I both know - V.I.L.E. has been losing power and members for years. It's only a matter of time before it crumbles, taking you with it."

"First of all, I have no idea what you're talking about. V.I.L.E. is as strong as it's ever been. You have some very bad spies. Second, even if it were true, what's that old saying? The captain goes down with the ship."

"The fact ACME was able to find your headquarters at all shows it, so don't play with me. And you wouldn't have to go down with the ship - if you signed on for service with me."

Carmen shoved what was left of her drink into Captain Hook's face. "I said no, pirate." She stood up straight and tall, looking down her nose into the face of Captain Hook. "I am the Villainess of V.I.L.E. and nobody, but nobody, is going to bully me into anything."

"Have it your way, me hearty. Smee!"

"Oh, please. Did you think I didn't notice him come in and shackle Susan? Or should I say attempt to shackle her?"

"Good help is so hard to find."

"Indeed. And on that note, I shall be leaving."

"Oh?"

"But not without my hat," Carmen said, grabbing it, "and not without my minion."

"I don't think I made a mistake," Ms. Frizzle said, eyes glowing, staring at the funny man in the top hat.

"Only a small one, my lady. And that is to love a man so entirely unworthy of you that he cannot even recognize your charms."

In spite of herself, Valerie laughed. "And I suppose you are entirely worthy of me?"

"Well, perhaps not. But I can think of no one more worthy than I."

"If you're going to ask her out, ask her out already. I, however, have a job to do," Arnold piped up.

"And who asked you, anyway, Arnold? Or should I say agent Perlstein? You pulled quite the number on me."

"Oh, and you were totally honest and forthright with me. I must say that ACME does seem to have better technology than we do. I'm going to have to see about getting a school bus of my own."

At that moment, a very confused and bruised pirate landed in the middle of the group, followed by a long-haired woman dressed in black, brandishing a cutlass.

"Get back here, you coward, and face me like a man!"

"Susan? Is that you?" Arnold asked, squinting into the sun.

"That's Queen Susan to you, otherwise known as Susan Pevensie. I am of the Royal Order of the Narnian Ninja Pirates and High Queen in Castle Cair Parvel. That man has been intercepting the orders from Aslan the Great Lion and twisting them to suit his own purposes! That's high treason in Narnia!"

Carmen Sandiego walked across the planks, hearing them bend slightly underneath her. She smelled the spray of the salt air. Maybe being a pirate wouldn't be so bad. She reached the dungeon door. Almost certainly easier than this. For one of the few times in her life, Carmen Isabella Sandiego hesitated. What is he going to think? Her hand gripped the door and pulled, without effect. Bloody pirate.

A splintering of wood made Waldo look up from the ground where Smee had tossed him. He tried to sit up, but his manacles held him fast. Another sounds of more splintering wood had him blinking his eyes as a few rays of the sun came through. A final CRAAAAAACK sounded as the door gave way to the force of Carmen Sandiego's boot.

"Lovely accommodations they have here." She said, walking towards him. "I'll have to remember to ask for the room without rats." Waldo just stared at her. Was that a joke?

Carmen grabbed the manacles and a large metal keyring. She began fitting different keys into the chains, trying to loosen them. "What are you doing, Car. . . Ms. Sandiego?"

"I would think that would be fairly obvious. I am freeing you from the clutches of Captain Hook, one of the most pretentious pirates that ever sailed the seven seas. Please, hold your applause."

"I think I asked the wrong question. Why are you doing this?"

"Do you want me to answer stupid questions? Or would you like to be freed from the chains?"

"Cara." Waldo said, grabbing her hands, as she turned the last key, the one that made the click noise of unlocking. "Maybe you can joke about this, but this is not funny to me, and frankly, if you're going to further toy with me or fail to trust me and believe me, or fail to give me any kind of hope at all, I'd rather face the crocodile."

Carmen yanked the chains off Waldo, who sat up, not taking his eyes off hers. "Cara?" She let out a long sigh as she looked at him.

"I don't know, Waldo. I don't think it would ever work between us, but I can't leave you here."

"Why wouldn't it work, Cara? Who shall say nay to the Villainess of V.I.L.E.?"

"I might." Waldo and Carmen turned to see a familiar 6th grade boy standing in the door. "She has high crimes, thefts, and treasons to answer for. The extraditing alone could take years."

"Cara? Is this why?"

"You think I am still a girl, afraid of ACME and their gumshoes? Or the FBI? This isn't it at all. Waldo, don't you see," Carmen started speaking faster, "This is how it would always be. If it wasn't ACME or the FBI, it would be someone else, always hunting us. I am used to it. It doesn't bother me to be on the run. I love the thrill of the chase and, if I ever get bored of it, I can always go underground. But you, Waldo. You know nothing of this. How could I expect you - or anyone else - to be always, ever on the run? I cannot let you do this."

"Cara, I will not be dissuaded. I don't care if I am always on the run. We will be together."

"You say that now. Ten or twenty years from now, you may not feel the same."

Waldo stared at Carmen for a moment, then started to laugh. It started out slow and worked its way up to the point where Waldo was crying. "Oh, Cara. The real barrier between us is not ACME versus V.I.L.E., nor how many years of running we'd have, nor even yet the fact that you hate white stripes. It's that you do not trust me. Me, of all people. What do I have to do to prove my loyalty to you? I have followed you throughout the globe, searching high and low, and you have only to look in my eyes to see the truth of what I am about to say: In all the world, Cara, there is no one to compare to you."

Carmen sat still, the bright light of the sun illuminating behind her. She sat on her knees, her head cocked to one side, and Waldo could almost see the stream of thoughts going through her mind. Arnold waited at the door for one of them, probably waiting for backup. "There is also no one in all the world to compare to the Frizz." It absolutely was not what Carmen had meant to say. But somehow, it came out of her, and Waldo's shocked expression grew until he was laughing again.

"Wait . . . he's got a thing for FRIZZLE?" Arnold's shocked expression as he took in that thought was priceless.

"NO! I do NOT have "a thing" for Valerie. She has my respect. She is without peer among women and only a very few among men might claim the honorable title of equality with her. But even so, my love and heart have gone, do go, and will ever go to Carmen Isabella Sandiego, my beloved Cara."

Arnold's attention was seized by Captain Hook yelling various pirate obscenities, cursing as he tried to get out of a chair Carmen had apparently tied him to.

During this ruckus, Carmen Isabella Sandiego leaned near Waldo and whispered something in his ear. What it was, I could not say, but though Waldo's laughter ceased, his smile certainly did not.

Fifteen Years Later
A man in a funny looking top hat, walking with a cane to keep his balance, shuffled out of a large factory with heavy, ornate doors. His hand picked up the mail until he came across a piece with no postmark or stamp. He opened it at once to see a picture of a young woman in a striped shirt, a younger man in a red trenchcoat, and two familiar faces, all smiling at him. "Valerie!" He called. "Valerie, you've got to see this! Waldo and Carmen sent us their yearly picture! You should see how Francisco and Wilma have grown!"

What Happened to Them
- Benjamin Bunny was brought to justice by Peter Pan.
- Susan straightened out her orders from Aslan and went back to Narnia. Though Arnold tried to find it, he was unsuccessful. He progressed in the ranks of the FBI and ended up happily married to Phoebe.
- Captain Hook, after being reunited with Smee, continued to be the most pretentious pirate on the seven seas.
- The Brave Little Toaster ended up becoming best friends with the Hatter and happily served him toast at tea.
- The Librarian continues to happily haunt L space.
- Inspector Gadget is as goofy as ever, but still manages with help from Penny and Brain.

And Just Because I Couldn't Close Without It

Waldo stood in a red and white striped tuxedo, smiling at the Hatter, who stood in the most ridiculous hat Waldo had seen him wear yet. He look over the crowd, smiling at several people from ACME who had had the courage to come, and most of the V.I.L.E. henchmen. Though the groups refused to make eye contact with each other, and though some of the henchmen were still wearing a bug-eyed expression, everyone sat in peace. He noticed, with some regret that Valerie was not there.

The Librarian, who had managed to move an entire working organ through L space (Waldo had decided it was the better part of wisdom not to ask how) struck up the familiar chords and the room became silent. Around the corner of the Stonehenge ruins, with white veil and red trench coat combined came Carmen, on the arm of Wonka.

They smiled, remembering the invitations with the clues and crowded scenes. The obvious color choice of red and white. The tightrope tense decision of where to live. Carmen walked down to the strains of Mendelsshon until about half way, where she looked at the Librarian and raised an eyebrow. The strains of classical turned to strains of Rockapella and Carmen's favorite song she had had commissioned by former applicants to V.I.L.E.

Waldo just laughed and shouted, "If you're trying to put me off at the last minute and back out, it won't work. I don't care what song you go down the aisle to."

Carmen just raised another eyebrow and the song changed again to Lady in Red, to scattered laughter in the audience until she reached Waldo. Wonka gave her away, and Hatter, of course started the vows with, "Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethah today." The sun shone down and a few birds flew overhead, as both Carmen and Waldo turned their full attention to him.

"Wuv." Waldo whispered to his bride.

Carmen smiled and whispered back.

"Twu wuv."