Memories and Dreams

"My tummy feels weird," Jim squirmed uncomfortably. Caroline looked up from her desk and went to the brokenhearted captain.

"OK, let me get us set up, just a minute OK baby," she went and got her massage table opened up. Jim loved getting acupuncture done with her when he was home on leave.

"Deep breath for me," he did and was soothed instantly.

"You had a tummy ache when we first got you to treatment; remember I held you hand in the bath?"

"I… I wanted Papa so much, I wanted uncle RJ to come and then he did…" tears came to his eyes as he remembered his beloved uncle singing to him.

"It was touch and go baby; I honestly thought we'd find you dead from pain,"

"OK, shhhhhh close your eyes.. Listen to my voice, just relax," slowly, the therapist began working his sore tummy, that was making him finally come out the other side of the pain he was in.

"CC,"

"Yes baby," she laughed, Jim always had to talk when he was with her or Dr. S.

"Can… Can you tell me a story?" his voice trembled, thinking of the early mornings when he'd cuddle with Pike in as summer turned to fall.

"OK, but please relax honey; I'm not going anywhere your safe in my arms and no one will hurt you, I promise… Shhhhhhssshhhhhh," Jim finally settled down, feeling her warm silky fingers kneading his sick tummy, soothing the grief she felt come up.

"Your first day I sedated you so we could get you in the bath, you were so out of it, I had to give you special detox supplements to keep you calm. When I finally got to waking you up you asked Dr. where Papa was and we had to tell you all over again what happened,"

"Is that why he let me leave?"

"Yes, I was against it, but the reality was we were chasing our tails, honey. You needed to be on a ship, even though it hurt, you needed Spock and to work. Baby, relax your lower tummy for me, deep breath out."

"I had so much sex with Spock Bones had to give me pain meds, I had sex and did work in the lab with Uhura,"

"I know, that's why we put you in treatment, sweetheart. It never was about something being wrong but you weren't checking yourself, you just went on overdrive,"

"Can… Can…" the therapist stopped her work, and put her hand on Jim's cheek.

"What baby? You can tell me," she whispered, getting down on his level.

"Can we snuggle on the swing outside?"

"Sure, of course we can,"

They sat together holding a wool blanket close, and breathing in the crisp fall air. They had all decided to try to spend as much time with Kirk as possible, doing all the same things Chris did with him to make the transition easier.

"I'll never leave you, OK. No one will ever stop loving you, kay pumpkin.." she gently kissed him on the forehead.

"I was angry at uncle Arche for a long time,"

"I know, you felt like we were all throwing you away. Honey that was the furthest thing from the truth,"

"I want Papa," the therapist gently brought his head down onto her shoulder, shushing him.

"I know you do baby, I know…"

"I… I hate dreaming about him but I can't stop…"

"Shhhhshhhhh, I know pumpkin, it's too painful.. When you were in detox, uncle RJ laid in bed with you for two days. You kept saying, 'Papa, take me home, I want to go home' it was the hardest thing I ever witnessed in someone's detox,"

"What did uncle RJ do?"

"He just stayed as Papa and rocked you, and said he would take you home as soon as he could, and auntie Lizzie gave you a special detox formula through a tummy tube."

"Did uncle Archer stay?"

"He was in and out, why?" the therapist crocked an eyebrow.

"I thought he fucking threw me away, that's why."

"He cried to Dr. S and Number one-"

"WAIT! When did she show up?!"

"When uncle RJ came, they put you in bed and held you, and loved you. Uncle RJ sang you Papa's lullaby, and she slept with you the first night." Caroline gently scratched the top of his head, as the fall air began to whisper through the trees.

"Wanna go in and watch the birthday holo?"

"No, I wanna hear the recording of Dr. S and uncle Chris, after my Dad's death…"

"How did you know I had it?"

"Auntie told me,"

"Oh, when?"

"The other night when we went for pizza, she said Papa never wanted to hear it because… he lost… he lost his best friend," Jim bit his lip. Caroline pulled him up with her and they walked arm in arm to her back porch overlooking a dock on a lake with herrings and swans. She made them lemon and honey tea and they changed into pajamas and wool socks to keep the chill out. Jim was content here with her, he was learning to enjoy life, by having all his uncle Chris related people in his life.

"Here, put your head in my lap," Caroline held out her arms, and Jim gratefully settled with her on the couch.

"Do you think Papa can hear us?"

"Yes, yes baby he can."

"Good," Jim murmured, he was content to just stay here, and not move. Caroline pushed a button and the tape started playing.

"I… I can't believe I have to raise this baby without him…" Pike said, tears in his voice.

"Shhhh… He would want that, you and Archer." Dr. whispered, Jim was surprised how young the therapist sounded.

"I… Oh GOD! What was he thinking?!" hearing Pike struggle for breath scared Jimmy. He never heard his Godfather act like that.

"Chris, relax… OK, I had to sedate Wynona, please calm down.. Shhhshhhh, come here, it's all going to be OK. Shhhhhshhhhhh,"

"What are we gonna do now?" Pike whispered through tears.

"Take care of this baby and Sam,"

"I don't think I can go on without him,"

"That's because it happened twelve hours ago, lay down shhhhshhhhh…"

The tape stopped, and Jim was shocked into silence. He couldn't cry, speak, or even move.

"Sweetheart?'

"Can you rub my tummy?"

"Sure, but I wanna hear what you think?" Caroline out some La Mer on her hands and got to work again.

"I… I…"

"Shhhhhhhshhhh, calm down I didn't mean right now, baby," she whispered as the rain began to hit the window pane.

"Papa, I wish I could see you…" he hugged the baby blanket Pike had given him tightly.

"Breath in, OK feel the pain, then let it go, shhhhh its OK baby I'm here with you, you are not alone we all love you," with a gentle warm hand she began to work on his lower tummy again.

"Good boy, just relax, you're safe with me, we're at my house up in Lake Tahoe; nothing can hurt you, I promise.. Shhhhshhhhh,"

"I hate THIS!" that whiny little boy was back, but Caroline knew getting upset wouldn't help him.

"You hate the pain, not the memories, OK, not Papa; not uncle Archer; not the crew. You hate your tummy aches, and crying fits OK, that's what's upsetting you," she leaned down and softly kissed him on the nose.

"Auntie Lizzie does that,"

"I know, your Dad always did it to her, and you mama." she gently pulled him up so he was resting on her chest, rubbing his back, swaying back and forth.

"I feel your papa, and him sometimes,"

"When?"

"In the early morning, when we have coffee, after I take a hot bath in the afternoon, and the clouds move in." she felt the prodigy in her arms relax.

"I'm so tired,"

"I know, it's been such a long haul huh poumpkin, sshhhhhhh… Shhhhhh, I have you, you're safe in my arms," Jim couldnt explain it, but at that moment, a piece of him came back. In that exact moment he felt, himself become closer to being whole. They fell asleep like that, wool socks, wrapped in a blanket with the fire going.