Author's Note: This is an old story from last year which I wanted to write again. English isn't my mother tongue, so I'm sorry for any mistakes! I hope you like this one and give it a try and I'd love to hear what do you think! I'ts going to be a multichapter, and don't worry, there's always a happy ending :) !

I don't own The Mentalist.

Never Leave Me Again

I should've known something was going on. I should've stopped him, I should've helped him. After that another failed attempt to catch Red John, I knew something changed. But I just couldn't figure out what.

So when he came to my office that morning smiling that sad smile, my chest hurt. I could already feel that something was happening, but couldn't put my finger on it.

But he just wanted us to go out that night. The whole team, have some fun. It was weird, because although we all loved to go out together, we did that far too rarely. And Jane wasn't usually the one to suggest it.

There was something about him that made me feel unease. He smiled but that smile didn't reach his eyes. There was sadness in his eyes and somehow I felt he was slipping away and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just wished I understood what was going on.

But it seemed like all my worries were in vain because it was a lovely evening and we all had such a great time. Jane surprised me by being his normal self. He was smiling widely, joking and making everybody laugh and my heart felt so light watching him. I was so relieved to see him being happy once again and I could stop worrying about him. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders and after a while I could finally relax and enjoy the night.

"Having fun suits you", Jane laughed at me, when we were on the dance floor. I have no idea what I was doing there but I was laughing so hard watching Cho do Gangnam Style. Then Jane and Rigsby joined him and it was one of the funniest thing I've ever seen. My head felt light from alcohol and I had such a great time.

Rest of the night is only a warm blur filled with familiar faces and mostly Jane's. His voice, his touch, his eyes. I can remember him holding my hand more than once.

But all good things come to an end and finally we called it a night. When everyone else had left Jane and I were standing at my front door saying goodnight.

"Thanks for the party", I said happily. "I could never imagine I could have this much fun when you're around, but I did, so I guess I have to thank you for that."

"Glad to be of service", he laughed and gave me one of his gorgeous smiles, which then slowly turned into something else. I suddenly realized that it was the same sad smile on his lips, I thought he had lost it tonight, but it came back. I felt disappointment creep all over me.

"Didn't you have fun?" I asked and he just smiled apologetically.

"Of course I did. It was nice watching you have fun. You've been so tense, you should relax a lot more. And you're a pretty good dancer when you let yourself go."

"I could say the same about you", I laughed back.

We stood there for a while and Jane seemed a bit lost in thought. His face got suddenly more serious.

"You have to promise me, Teresa, that you'll take care of yourself. You should be able to enjoy life and have fun. Can you promise me that?"

I raised my eyebrows surprised by this sudden turn of conversation. Where did that come from?

"Yeah, I guess", I said frowning slightly. "And you should do the same."

He didn't seem to hear me. He looked away and I started to feel a bit worried. I thought we had so much fun but now all the lightness and happiness is gone and I'm suddenly getting a bit nervous.

"And I really had fun tonight", he continued still not looking at me. "And I just want you to know that I'm really grateful to you. For everything."

Then he looked at me with a sad smile which made me more anxious. What was he talking about?

"And whatever happens from now on, you have to promise me to stay strong and take care of yourself. And the team. And be happy. Because I want nothing more than you to be happy –"

"Jane", I cut him off with a voice that didn't sound like mine. Something about him and his words made me nervous and I wanted him to stop. "Don't be silly, I'm fine and you're just a bit drunk. Nothing's going to happen to me, I'm okay."

He just looked at me and then smiled again. Again that sad, apologetic smile. Oh how I hated it already.

"I think that's all I wanted to say", he said at last, his voice small and a bit shaky too. "I'm going to miss you so bad."

I could feel panic rising inside me when I realized what was making me so edgy. This scenery reminded me too much of a farewell.

"What are you talking about?" I asked a bit panicky but he just shook his head. "Jane, go to bed and we'll see tomorrow morning at the office, okay? "

He didn't answer.

"Okay?" I asked again afraid and he just smiled and suddenly wrapped his arms around me and gave me a tight hug. Now it really did feel like a farewell and I almost felt like crying. He had never hugged me like that before, he hold me so tightly for such a long time. The warmth of his body and the scent of his aftershave made my head spin and when he finally released me I felt a bit breathless. He used that to escape.

"I'll see you in the morning, okay partner?" I called after him but he didn't turn around anymore. I could hear his soft laughter fading into the night.

And then he was gone.

Still replaying last night in my head over and over again, I arrive at the CBI the next day afraid but hopeful. But as I already knew, he's nowhere to be seen.

I knew it, I just knew it, but I refused to believe it. I check his attic and his couch and my office. I phone him but it goes straight to the answer machine. I can't believe this. I just can't.

He left. He really did left.

And although I kind of knew it, after what he said to me last night, it still hurts. That once again, he couldn't confide in me.

I walk back to my office feeling numb and suddenly notice a little piece of paper on my desk. I fold it open and it says: "Teresa, I'm so sorry. I had to do this. I'll always love you."

So here I am, still sitting in my office, staring into nothingness, when my team comes to work. I just can't think straight. All the questions are spinning around in my head making me more worried and sad and frustrated. Why he left, and where he left and is he coming back? What does this all mean? Why couldn't he tell me? And so on.

I keep replaying last night in my head. His words, his face, his smile…

I should've known. I should've known something was wrong. Why didn't I stop him, why was I so stupid? Why didn't I stop him when I still had the chance?

I look at the message in my hands once again. And what is this supposed to mean? I love you? What kind of sick game is this? Doesn't he realize what those words mean to me, why now, why -

No. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn around. It's better not to think about it. It's better not to think at all.

Finally I go to the bullpen and tell my team that Jane's gone. There's questions that I have no answer for and after that we just sit in silence all lost in our own thoughts.

On top of everything Bertram comes to the bullpen and asks us all to sit down. He has something important to tell us (from all the mornings why it has to be this one) but I can't concentrate on work. I just keep thinking about last night and Jane's face and the note he left me and feel the frustration grow unbearable.

"I don't know how to tell you this", Bertram starts seriously. I roll my eyes. Is he going to fire someone or why so dramatic? "So I think I should just say it. It's Jane."

"He left, we know already", I say blankly. "He left a message telling us that he was going to go."

"A message?" Bertram turns to me. "What kind of message?"

There is no way I'm going to show him my I Love you message. So I just say that the message said that he was sorry and he had to do it. The usual stuff.

"Who knows where he is or when he is coming back", I continue wearily. "I've been trying to contact him but it's just the same as last time with Vegas. Well, at least this time he left a message so I think we're getting somewhere and –"

"Lisbon, please listen to me."

I lift my gaze. Bertram's got a weird look on his face. He seems sad, apologetic, in pain somehow and I just wonder why.

"Jane didn't leave. He killed himself last night."

There's a long silence and I just stare at Bertram like I didn't understand what he just said. After a while I realize that Van Pelt has started to sob and Rigsby has put his arms around her for comfort. They are both looking at me and it seems they've been talking to me for a while.

"I'm so sorry", Van Pelt says through her tears and I can feel Cho putting his hand on my shoulder. I barely understand what's happening, I feel so unreal.

"We're so sorry, Boss", he says and I just look at them all unable to react in any way.

"No, it's okay", I say quickly and give a little smile. "I just need to –"

Before I realize I'm walking briskly to the elevator. There's still a smile on my face and all I can think about, is that I have to get away. Now, before I fall apart.

But before the lift comes, Cho reaches me. He comes to stand in front of me and demands me to look him in the eyes.

"Let me go", I say angrily and try to get past him, but he takes hold of my hands and gently spins me to face him again. And I know I'm not going to get away anymore.

"Lisbon", he pleads with a pained look. "Don't. You have to let it out."

I just look at him, take a deep breath and slowly rest my head on his shoulder.

Then I shatter into pieces.