All Messed Up

Dreams weren't what they used to be. Actually, MK couldn't remember having had dreams like these before. Sleeping next to Nod had become pretty dangerous. Making love was even worse. Sitting on a leaf high above their home, she'd started to wonder if there was something wrong with her. It certainly felt that way. Was this normal? Yearning like this, after something that wasn't feasible, wasn't practical, wasn't even sensible? Wasn't that was a sign of insanity? It wasn't like there was a definitive answer to that question anyway, and MK wouldn't have been willing to take an opinion over the truth in her heart. But that didn't make the truth easier to live with. She did live with it. It wasn't like there was another option.

Dear Mr Director, please will you be so good as to stop the world because I'd like to get off. Dear Mr Director, I have a dream. Mr Director? Are you even listening to me?

She heaved a sigh that was unusually despondent and tipped her head for a good look at the crescent moon. Things had changed. Things always changed. It was like...no matter how hard you tried to preserve what you'd gained, to keep the good times...something, something would always come along and throw a spanner in the machine of your life. Before long you were spurting black smoke.

'Why can't it just work?' she appealed to the sky.

And then, the sound of rapid wingbeats right behind her head made her very, very grateful that she'd been speaking softly. Now she'd turn around. And there he'd be. Lovely and sweet, handsome, charming, considerate. Adventurous, strong, perfect...MK sighed, and before she could turn an unexpected voice cut right through her internal monologue.

'What makes you think hiding up here is going to get you out of dinner? You want your private time, is that it?' Ronin looked amused.

MK wasn't sure whether to be a bit grossed out by that comment, or whether to thank him for realising Nod already worked long hours and they barely got to see each other. Dinner with the family wasn't exactly high on her list of priorities right now. Mainly not because of time. Mainly because she didn't feel like pretending everything was OK.

'No, I knew somebody'd find me,' MK humored him.

Ronin's bird hovered easily over the leaf. It's low buzz was quite comforting. He set it down gently on the stem, and leaning over his knee, he offered her a small, perplexed smile. She'd gotten used to that. It was his way of saying you were amusing him.

'Come on, I'll give you a lift down.'

MK smiled, nodded, tried to put her problems behind her. She climbed up behind Ronin and held onto his belt.

'God girl, give me a smile before I catch the misery right off you. Is it contagious?' he looked over his shoulder. He was smiling. He seemed happy. MK found that a stark contrast to a few years ago. She laughed lightly as they rose off the branch.

'You've changed,' she observed. 'What's it been? Four years now. You're finally joking with me. I thought it'd never happen.'

Ronin shrugged.

'Things change,' he said, 'people change. I can see a few looking at you too, so...' he left it hanging as he kicked the bird into a straight dive.

At the very bottom, he evened her out, and MK was surprised when they began to climb away from the house.

'Where're we going?'

'You didn't answer me.'

'Oh. No, it's not that. I mean...it is that. It's not like we get a lot of time, but it's not that. Just...chalk it up to womens problems, OK? Imagine I'm fine. Or I will be.'

'Alright,' Ronin shrugged. 'You can say you really need a night off you know. Nobody is going to begrudge you that.'

MK thought of an evening curled up in bed, pretending to be sick and mused it wouldn't be any fun without the right company.

'No. I'll do dinner,' MK said, and tried to sound more interested than she was.

'Your enthusiasm is inspiring.'

MK rolled her eyes, a bit frustrated now.

'Just leave it, Ronin. Please?'

And Ronin, facing away, knew something was up. MK never lost her sense of humour unless something was up. But if she wouldn't tell him, what more could he do? He'd tried to be something like a father for her. But she did have her own Dad. He nodded.

'Alright,' he said. 'But you know where I am.'

000

So, MK said to herself, dinner could have gone better. Half an hour late, even Ronin was at the table sooner than Nod, who rolled in tired and dirty and apologised. Gave her a kiss, sloped off to get changed. Cited the reason of Boggin patrol became ambush. MK sat tapping her fingers while Ronin drank and decided not to say what she was thinking. This used to be fun.

'Fill her up?' said Ronin, almost apologetically. 'Takes the edge off the appetite.'

MK did as he asked. He leaned in, gave her a conspiratorial smile. That made MK want to cringe in embarrassment. On the other hand, having him here gave her something to do while she waited for Nod.

'I'll finish this one and leave you to it, alright?'

MK offered him a tired smile.

'No, Ronin. Stay for dinner? Please.'

'Only if you promise to smile.'

She tried but it didn't look right. Then Nod joined them, and it was easier to disguise how she felt when she had a face full of food.

Much later, when Ronin had made his excuses and left, Nod pulled her onto his lap.

'We could still fix it, MK. I don't know what you're so worried about. This is me? Yeah? You remember me?' he smiled hopefully.

MK wanted to squirm.

'Nod, come on, I'm knackered, let me clean up-'

'Leave it till the morning.'

She put the dishes down reluctantly.

'Alright,' she conceded.

Nod pulled her down, put his forehead against hers and sighed gently.

'It was only once,' he said.

MK felt a lump rising in her throat. She wanted to cry. Wanted to make it go away.

'I know-' she breathed, 'but it's not about what I said, Nod. It's about how it feels, and I just-'

The sight of his hopeful face was enough to break her. MK stalled. She couldn't do it.

'What? You just what, MK?'

Oh great she thought, now he's getting angry. Nod was frowning down at her like it was only his relationship on the line. That made her angry, and it covered the pain in her heart. Looking at his admittedly gorgeous face, she just didn't feel anything anymore.

'I just...' she cast around. Then with no way out, she did the only thing she could. 'I don't think I really love Ronin. I think I just...don't feel that way about you. Anymore.'

Nod sighed, and getting up he escaped into the bedroom, alone.

'Fine. You gotta do what you gotta do, haven't you?' he said, but MK could tell that wasn't the end.

'Yeah,' she breathed, looking at the empty sky outside, and wishing she was somewhere else, far from her problems. Far from the confusion.

000

Nod disappeared. At least, it felt like he had. After the conversation in bed, MK hadn't seen him for nearly a week. She didn't know who he was staying with, but he came in only to grab clothes and shove them silently into a bag. He was gone again before she could say what was in her heart to say. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

'I have to move,' she whispered, her head in her hands on the kitchen table. She had to get out of this house, where all the memories were stored. She had to figure out what'd gone wrong. Then the doorbell startled her.

For some reason she was expecting to see Nod standing there. It'd been a couple of days since he'd been back. When she saw who was there, it took a full five seconds to work out that was stupid. Nod would have let himself in. Instead, Ronin stood looking downright uncomfortable, and not a little bit apologetic.

'Ronin,' MK offered him a little smile, and folding her arms to keep her hands warm in the cool, she shrugged, 'what're you doing here? Did you want to see Nod?'

'Not...exactly,' he said. Glancing left and right, he looked like a man in a situation he'd rather not face. 'Can I come in?'

MK stepped back.

'Sure.'

He followed her into the kitchen. MK gestured to the warm water on the stove.

'Do you want some tea?' she asked.

'Tea would be nice,' he nodded.

Oh God, too polite, MK thought. Something is definitely up.

'Ronin, is everything OK? It's weird seeing you in the middle of the day. Shouldn't you be at work?'

Ronin did look uncomfortable now. He rubbed the back of his neck like a man found guilty of carrying a very important secret. MK put the cup down in front of him, and cradled her own to warm her hands. The days were getting shorter. Winter was coming to Moonhaven.

'MK,' he said, and despite his obvious discomfort his voice was steady. 'Look. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, alright? I didn't want this job, because. Well. You know why.'

'What job?'

'Nod's disappeared.'

MK closed her eyes softly.

'What do you mean?' she asked softly.

'I know you two had...arguments. Don't think I want to be meddling in your life. I need to know if there's anything that might help me find him?'

MK stared at him. She stared at his breastplate, then into his grey blue eyes.

'He said he was going to stay with you,' she said.

'He did. Two days ago he went out, he didn't come back. He hasn't been here?'

'No,' MK shook her head.

She swallowed around a big lump of tears.

'Didn't he leave a note, or anything?'

Ronin shook his head. Then he held out a hand. It was almost imploring.

'What was said, between the two of you? I can get that you might fall out. OK? Believe me, I understand that.'

MK met his steely eyes and wanted, desperately, in that moment to confess all. She tried to keep the tears down.

'Help me find him,' Ronin said, almost imploringly.

MK shrugged, helplessly, tearfully.

'I didn't mean for him to-' no good, she realised. The tears were going to come anyway, and she turned away so he wouldn't see her cry.

'I know, I know,' and suddenly Ronin was close to her back. His hand descended onto her shoulder. 'Just tell me what was said. In brief. I don't need your personal details, just why he might have left. Give me a clue, MK, anything?'

'We split up,' she confessed. 'Properly split up this time.'

'I'm sorry,' Ronin said gently. 'I guessed as much. The search parties haven't found anything.'

'Why didn't you tell me sooner?' MK whispered.

'I didn't want to worry you.'

MK's sleeve was wet with tears. She tried to keep her breathing even.

'We'll keep looking,' he promised.

MK nodded. He must have mistaken her tears for worry, but they were guilt.

'MK,' he said softly, right behind her. 'We'll find him. Whatever happened between you. I'll find him.'

And he was gone. The tea undrunk, the door shut behind him and he was gone. And all that truth that was backing up like pressure in a pipe went unexplored. MK sat down, and didn't realise she'd forgotten about the tea until it'd gone cold.

000

When they bought Nod back, MK was standing beside her bird on the landing strip. He was battered and bruised, but there was no injury that had been done in his time away that wouldn't heal. It was his heart that was the problem. Ronin marched behind him, making sure he kept pace. She'd never seen Ronin look so angry. She could understand why. He'd certainly have a few words to say to Nod later, when the queen was done with him. Nod looked at her as he passed. MK saw nothing there for her. Just anger. She sighed.

That night, MK dreamed again. Dreaming was becoming quite an irritation now. It wasn't something she normally had to suffer with. Most days, she woke up and barely remembered what she'd dreamed. But recently, she'd been seeing whole stories in colour, full of action. Tonight was no exception. Fleeing on the back of a bird, MK looked up into Ronin's eyes. His hold on her was particularly strong. And suddenly, looking down, she saw the arrow sticking out of her ribs. Even asleep she was confused. That was Tara's death, not hers. Still, MK woke suddenly while it was still dark, with clear recollection of how it had felt to be in his arms.

When finally she slipped back into sleep, there were a couple of hours of fitful rest before those grey eyes came up again. And this time, she woke before Ronin could kiss her. She scrubbed at her face in the early morning light, and heaving herself up, got ready for work.

000

Ronin leaned over the spot. Even now, the plants wouldn't come back. Grey, dead, grieving.

'Well, this isn't quite how I imagined it,' he said softly, to the empty clearing.

Inside, a hole in his heart refused to heal.

'I figured...a bit more of you would be involved. Tara-' he sighed. 'I'd give anything to see you again.'

There was no answer. No shining ghost this time, no voice from beyond the grave. Not even a breath of wind to imply he'd been heard. Ronin let his head hang. Then he laid the flower he'd bought with him on the spot, and stood slowly. When he turned, he nearly jumped out of his skin.

Standing behind him, MK looked on. Looking unusually drawn, she held the reins of her bird.

'I'm sorry,' she said gently. 'I guess, we just picked the same day. The same hour, too. How weird is that?'

'It is a bit,' he nodded, standing.

'Ronin...I know he probably doesn't want me to ask, or maybe even know. But, is he OK?'

'He's OK,' Ronin nodded. 'Throwing himself into work, you know. All the usual stuff.'

'Oh. OK. Does he talk about me, much?'

Ronin looked her up and down. He seemed confused.

'Why don't you go ask him? I'm not exactly in his heart, you know.'

'But you know him better than anyone. He says things to you he won't say to me-'

'He does?' Ronin smiled. 'Be sure to point them out to me next time you hear him confess all to me.'

MK smiled. Ronin stepped closer, bringing his bird with him.

'You were always a dad to him. Just tell him I'm sorry, will you? I never meant for it to be so hard on him.'

'Tell him yourself.'

'He won't speak to me.'

'Well, then maybe he's not ready to hear it.'

MK sighed.

'So, is it true what's being said?' Ronin asked. 'Are you going home? Back to the big world anyway?'

MK smiled grimly, and nodded.

'I haven't got a lot to stay for, have I?'

Ronin seemed to think about that.

'Well. If that's how you feel, nobody's going to be able to change your mind. But if you ask me, you've got more here than you realise. What're you going to do up there?'

MK shrugged.

'Get a job. Maybe go back to college. Live,' she said. 'Kind of what I was going for here. But on a slightly larger scale.'

Ronin smiled at her humour, but he looked more worried than amused.

'Well. I don't think that's what you want. But it's up to you.'

He hopped onto his bird.

'Safe travels then, MK. If I don't see you before you go.'

'Thanks.'

'You know where we are if you want to come back.'

000

MK smiled. She didn't really mean it.

'You should be happy about this,' Ronin suggested. 'Not smiling? Not happy. Strange, isn't it? What do you want, MK?'

MK looked up at him. Maybe agreeing to meet him hadn't been the best thing. Or maybe, she thought, it was exactly what she wanted.

'Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to keep you here, or send you back up there. But I've seen indecisive. You redefine the word.'

MK swung her legs off the edge of the leaf. Ronin, his bird perched nearby, stood behind her with a small, perplexed smile on his face.

'Why did you come if you don't want to talk? MK?'

'I just wanted to tell you the truth, before I go. Or it'll play on my mind. And I'll have to keep dreaming. I hate dreaming.'

'What truth? What are you talking about?'

'I don't know why I'm saying this,' MK smiled at her own ridiculousness. Then she said it as plainly as she could. 'For a long time, I thought I was in love with you. Isn't that stupid? I guess, things were going bad with Nod before I even realised it. I just wanted to say thanks. You know. For everything you've done for us.'

MK shrugged. Then she looked at Ronin, who was suddenly quite pale.

'Oh crap, I'm sorry Ronin. I've embarrassed you, and me as well. I don't know why I said that.'

Ronin held up both hands to gesture her into silence.

'What're you talking about?' he said.

MK did look a bit uncomfortable now. But he went on before she could answer.

'Do you?' he said suddenly.

MK stared at him.

'I don't think so.'

'Are you sure?' he said, one grey eyebrow gone way up. MK laughed.

'Ronin, you're not taking me seriously are you? I'm not even taking me seriously. I just thought maybe, if I said it, I might stop dreaming and thinking and...well. Whatever. There you go.'

'Dreaming what?' he asked her, as she went past him towards her bird.

MK stopped.

'About you,' she said.

'What sort of dreams?'

MK shrugged, a bit confused.

'You know. Dreams. The sort where you're asleep and all these pictures play.'

'What sort, MK?'

She stopped and looked up at him.

'It doesn't matter, does it?'

'I'm curious.'

MK felt the blush rise. Ronin's face changed. He understood.

'You're joking,' he said, gently.

She shook her head. Ronin just nodded slowly, as though he was processing that information.

'Are you staying long enough to come to the autumn ball?'

MK tucked her hair back.

'I wasn't planning on going before it, no. I was thinking it'd be a bit of a sendoff. Can't say I really feel like a party though, to be honest.'

'Well you could stick to the sidelines, with me. You think I like being dragged onto the dance floor? I hate dancing.'

'I can tell,' MK nodded, and playfully, she did an impression of a piece of wood. 'You look like this. Stiff as a flagpole.'

Ronins eyebrows came down. He glared at her.

'Funny. You look like this,' and he waved his arms about like a demented octopus.

Predictably, MK glowered at him.

'Stop that!' she hissed.

Ronin laughed, and made a noise to go with it. MK folded her arms first, then she pushed him right in his armoured chest and made him snort with laughter.

'Uncoordinated much?' he smirked at her.

'At least I move my hips a bit! At least I have some rhythm, at least-'

'You don't get over-sensitive, do you?'

He was smirking. It was a trait in Ronin that drove MK crazy with irritation.

'Do you have a date, yet?' he asked.

MK turned to him like he'd gone mad.

'Oh come on. You just told me you dream about me. Shall I back off? Is that what you want?'

'Are you...making a move on me, Ronin? You're like my...Dad or something.'

A shrug.

'I'm not though, am I? Not your Dad. You said it first, girl! You tell me. Is it welcome, or shall we just pretend we were both drunk tonight?'

MK found herself suddenly more hopeful. She hadn't been expecting this reaction. He seemed to be taking it very well.

'Go with me,' he said. 'If all else fails, we can get pissed together, and pretend it's just a Daddy thing, yeah?'

'That's...disgusting,' MK said.

'Oh, get a sense of humour. I'm not going to paint it on my chest. Though if you get drunk enough you might wake up with it here,' and he wiped his index finger over her forehead.

MK smiled at him.

'Not the dance, Ronin. You know he'll glow a gasket if he thought- well.'

'What? You think I can't handle him?'

'I think you can handle his fists, I'm not too sure about his heart.'

'You're right, wounded hearts aren't my area.'

'Well, that's what you're gonna get if you put the moves on me, isn't it? Nods wounded heart, right here, in your face. He'll probably hit you.'

'Is that why you're leaving?'

MK opened her mouth to answer him.

'Yes...no! No, I mean...'

'Come on, get up here,' Ronin was gone before she could think to put three words together. Hopping onto his bird he offered her a hand.

000

An hour ago she'd thought of him as some kind of surrogate Dad, or at least, a friend of the family. Now she wasn't sure what he was. Sitting on a high branch beside him, with his bird perched not far away, MK found herself smiling for the first time since her breakup.

'Thanks Ronin,' she said softly.

'What for?'

'For bringing me up here.'

Ronin picked a it of moss of the bough and cast it into the airspace below. He smiled.

'No problem.'

MK laughed to herself. 'You know what, for a bit there, I actually thought you were going to-'

Ronin smiled.

'Just waiting for my chance,' he said.

MK shook her head. She laughed.

'You're serious. You been keeping something quiet, Ronin?'

'I keep a lot of things quiet,' he said.

MK shifted a bit closer, playfully. She curled her tickle-finger at him.

'Really?'

He looked at it, then at her. Then he smiled. MK hadn't seen that particular smile before. She'd seen the half-lift, the sarcastic-lift, and the smile he did when he was pretending he was enjoying himself. This was something else. His grey eyes began to sparkle. MK found her belly going funny.

'What you gonna do about it?' he said.

MK shrugged.

'Nothing,' she said.

Then while he was still working out the sudden change in mood, she launched herself at him and much to Ronin's surprise, managed to get her fingers right under the cracks in his armour to where he was, secretly in fact, quite ticklish.

'Hey! What the- how do you know-'

'I dated Nod,' she looked at him like he was stupid. 'I know how to get to the guy under the armour!'

'You're not wearing any,' he pointed out.

'Oh, shit.'

When she was done shrieking and rolling about helplessly, she picked herself up, panting and pointed to him.

'Evil,' she said. 'Evil! Remind me to never tickle you again.'

'I will,' he promised.

Some time later, a gentle arm snaked around her back and drew her in a bit closer. It wasn't the warmest night.

'You know how crazy this is, don't you?' MK said, pretending she wasn't as content as she felt.

'It isn't the first time I've done something crazy. It...runs in the family.'

'You're talking about Nod now, aren't you?'

'Mmm,' was all she got. Then; 'You know he won't like this. And I don't blame him. I might as well paint 'I betrayed you' right across my chest and have done with it.'

'I know,' MK nodded, gazing up at the risen moon. 'What am I supposed to do, though? I mean...the heart leads? You're supposed to follow. I can't help it if Nod and I just don't fit-' MK sensed someone very close. She looked up and fell silent.

'Neither can I.'

Ronin planted a soft kiss on her lips. It lingered for a second, then he drew away far enough to talk.

'You think you're the only one to have dreams?' he said, an eyebrow raised.

Silently, MK shook her head. And sneaking a hand around the back of his head, she pulled him down for another one. Warm and gentle, and not at all like kissing Nod. Nod still had a sense of innocent little boy about him. Ronin didn't give her that feeling. It was more like he was holding something back.

Then he was speaking again.

'You know we're going to destroy three lives rather than two.'

MK swallowed her frustration.

'I know,' she breathed.

'I've got to work with him. And, much as it grieves me, I've got to make sure he stays at least, roughly sane-' Ronin raised an eyebrow at her. 'It's a bad idea that I really like. But it'd be an easier decision if I didn't have Nod - and you - to think about.'

'I know,' MK sighed. 'I know. I get it. I still love him, you know. I just...can't see it lasting.'

Ronin shrugged.

'Well. Call me an old guy but I've seen this before. It'll be kiss and make up in a month.'

'You're an old guy,' MK said.

'I know. That's how I know it'll happen.'

'Does this mean...you don't want to kiss me again?'

'No,' he said easily. 'I want to kiss you. Look, MK. You think it'll be any easier to forget about this when you get your stomping feet back? It won't. Just...stay with us a bit longer? Let it all blow over.'

'What if Nod and I don't get back together?' she said. 'What if I don't actually want him back.'

'Then you're nuts, because he's a good kid.'

MK blew her hair out of her eyes.

'You're old and I'm crazy.'

'Hey,' he smiled gently. 'I'm not going anywhere, am I? Neither is he, if I can do anything about it. Just...stay. Yes?'

MK sighed. Some of the sadness was lifting. She wondered if maybe, giving it some time might help.

'Alright,' she shrugged. 'Ronin. Why do you want me to stay so bad?'

He stood, offered her his hand to help her up.

'You make Nod happy. When he's happy he's less trouble at work.'

MK laughed and went to mount the bird. Ronin pulled her up in front of him instead.

'Flights' been upgraded,' he said.

MK nestled in and smiled. She figured they'd had a kiss now, whatever happened next, so a bit of a cuddle wouldn't hurt.

'No other reasons?' she said, leaning her head on his shoulder. She gave him a cheeky smirk.

Ronin kicked the bird and wrapped a hand gently around her waist. MK decided she liked that a lot.

'I like watching you walk,' he said.

'Ah,' MK said, knowingly.

'And talk,' he added. Then a bit guiltily, he said; 'and eat. Especially eat.''

'I like watching you ride,' she said. 'Thanks Ronin. For sorting my head out a bit?'

Behind her head, Ronin cracked a little smile.

'You're welcome. Are you staying, then?'

MK nodded.

'I'll give it some time,' she said. 'And see what happens.'

'Good,' he said approvingly. 'Moonhaven wasn't built in a day.'