Well, you asked for it. No, no you didn't, I just decided to go with it
anyway.
This is going to be lewd, crude, and rude, so if any of those offend you, please don't hesitate to scram.
Ahem.
FINAL FANTASY IX - AN (incorrect) INTERPRETATION
Zidane had always had problems with his latent homosexuality.
It had started from when he was a little kid. A perverted frood named GARLAND (the utterly memorable Terran Pimp) had created him to be the Ultimate Sex Toy, after his previous toy KUJA had refused to go down on him in the middle of a party. In fact, Kuja had become so enraged by this request that he decided to have a sex change operation, move to the much hipper world of Gaia (Pronounced "Gay") and raise little Zidane as his very own archnemesis. Needless to say, Garland became very peeved by all this, but he consoled himself by inventing and smoking a revolutionary new narcotic called MIST. He built a big tree to produce the stuff because he was really high at the time and the idea of producing drugs in a tree made a lot of sense to him, at the time. Worried that the po-po might crack down on his operation if he called it the Reefer Tree, he settled on Iifa, instead. He bided his time, producing and distributing the MIST and waiting for his chance to reclaim both Kuja and Zidane, so that his long- time dream of an all-male threesome could be realized.
But back to Zidane. While Kuja was off having his sex change operation, dying his hair grey, and getting the license and registration for his Cool White Dragon, Zidane was left in the care of a touring adults only show called TANTALUS, short for Tantalize. Tantalus specialized in providing individual service depending on customer preference. Their repertoire included the Big Sex Bunny, named BAKU, the Blind Beauty, BLANK, the Pirate of Penetration, MARCUS, and Horny the Clown, called CINNA. Zidane made his debut as Monkey Lovin', and was definitely well-received.
For a while, life was idyllic and carefree. They toured all of the continent (now called the Mist Continent, due to the fact that every single inhabitant was perpetually high on the stimulant) in their Love Airboat, raked in the serious gil, and all enjoyed the affection of their resident booty call, RUBY, who charmed them all with her lovely Southern drawl and willingness to take it from any direction, any time.
But life was destined to take a turn for the dramatic soon enough, and our hero would soon find himself flung into the most extreme of circumstances. It all started with a trip to Lindblum, the memorable GRAND CASTLE, where life was exciting, fulfilling, and largely tax-free. A huge industry in the city was the marketing of gyashl pickles, a revolutionary new hallucinogen that made you see big yellow birds and little white things with red balls on their heads. The supplier was an old woman known only as "The Supplier." Zidane tried it, from time to time, and it made him see a white hand pointing to the top of his head.
But back to our story. Tantalus had stopped in on one of their regular visits, a private show for Cid, the Big Man and Head Honcho of Lindblum. Cid had been turned into a cockroach by his wife, who had caught him having sex with a fifteen-year old boy while wearing nothing but a turban and shouting "WHO'S YOUR REGENT?! WHO'S YOUR REGENT?!" The wife had then stormed off and promptly fell into a volcano. More about her later.
Despite his cockroach-ness, Cid still enjoyed the show the "boys" put on. After it was all over, and Cid was putting the oils away, he casually broached a subject with Baku.
"Hey, Bunny-Lover?"
"Yeah, King Cutie?"
Cid shuffled, skittered, and narrowly avoided being squashed by Blank, who had wandered into a wall.
"I've got an eensy-weensy favor to ask you, honey buns."
Baku turned, ears and etc. twitching. "What is it, you buggy beauty?"
"See, I've got this niece in Alexandria...she's really hot, and just sixteen, the age I like 'em. I've had the hots for her for a while, and so if you wouldn't mind..."
AND SO THE EPIC JOURNEY BEGINS. TUNE IN NEXT TIME, WHEN ZIDANE DISCOVERS THE POWER OF TRANCE MUSIC.
And that's a wrap. Look, this isn't for everybody. If you'd rather opt out now, s'fine with me, it's been nice to have you. If you're still with me...see ya around.
This is going to be lewd, crude, and rude, so if any of those offend you, please don't hesitate to scram.
Ahem.
FINAL FANTASY IX - AN (incorrect) INTERPRETATION
Zidane had always had problems with his latent homosexuality.
It had started from when he was a little kid. A perverted frood named GARLAND (the utterly memorable Terran Pimp) had created him to be the Ultimate Sex Toy, after his previous toy KUJA had refused to go down on him in the middle of a party. In fact, Kuja had become so enraged by this request that he decided to have a sex change operation, move to the much hipper world of Gaia (Pronounced "Gay") and raise little Zidane as his very own archnemesis. Needless to say, Garland became very peeved by all this, but he consoled himself by inventing and smoking a revolutionary new narcotic called MIST. He built a big tree to produce the stuff because he was really high at the time and the idea of producing drugs in a tree made a lot of sense to him, at the time. Worried that the po-po might crack down on his operation if he called it the Reefer Tree, he settled on Iifa, instead. He bided his time, producing and distributing the MIST and waiting for his chance to reclaim both Kuja and Zidane, so that his long- time dream of an all-male threesome could be realized.
But back to Zidane. While Kuja was off having his sex change operation, dying his hair grey, and getting the license and registration for his Cool White Dragon, Zidane was left in the care of a touring adults only show called TANTALUS, short for Tantalize. Tantalus specialized in providing individual service depending on customer preference. Their repertoire included the Big Sex Bunny, named BAKU, the Blind Beauty, BLANK, the Pirate of Penetration, MARCUS, and Horny the Clown, called CINNA. Zidane made his debut as Monkey Lovin', and was definitely well-received.
For a while, life was idyllic and carefree. They toured all of the continent (now called the Mist Continent, due to the fact that every single inhabitant was perpetually high on the stimulant) in their Love Airboat, raked in the serious gil, and all enjoyed the affection of their resident booty call, RUBY, who charmed them all with her lovely Southern drawl and willingness to take it from any direction, any time.
But life was destined to take a turn for the dramatic soon enough, and our hero would soon find himself flung into the most extreme of circumstances. It all started with a trip to Lindblum, the memorable GRAND CASTLE, where life was exciting, fulfilling, and largely tax-free. A huge industry in the city was the marketing of gyashl pickles, a revolutionary new hallucinogen that made you see big yellow birds and little white things with red balls on their heads. The supplier was an old woman known only as "The Supplier." Zidane tried it, from time to time, and it made him see a white hand pointing to the top of his head.
But back to our story. Tantalus had stopped in on one of their regular visits, a private show for Cid, the Big Man and Head Honcho of Lindblum. Cid had been turned into a cockroach by his wife, who had caught him having sex with a fifteen-year old boy while wearing nothing but a turban and shouting "WHO'S YOUR REGENT?! WHO'S YOUR REGENT?!" The wife had then stormed off and promptly fell into a volcano. More about her later.
Despite his cockroach-ness, Cid still enjoyed the show the "boys" put on. After it was all over, and Cid was putting the oils away, he casually broached a subject with Baku.
"Hey, Bunny-Lover?"
"Yeah, King Cutie?"
Cid shuffled, skittered, and narrowly avoided being squashed by Blank, who had wandered into a wall.
"I've got an eensy-weensy favor to ask you, honey buns."
Baku turned, ears and etc. twitching. "What is it, you buggy beauty?"
"See, I've got this niece in Alexandria...she's really hot, and just sixteen, the age I like 'em. I've had the hots for her for a while, and so if you wouldn't mind..."
AND SO THE EPIC JOURNEY BEGINS. TUNE IN NEXT TIME, WHEN ZIDANE DISCOVERS THE POWER OF TRANCE MUSIC.
And that's a wrap. Look, this isn't for everybody. If you'd rather opt out now, s'fine with me, it's been nice to have you. If you're still with me...see ya around.