"Greetings, meisters! I thank you for journeying to my cave in hopes of becoming my partner! Now, shall we begin with my exciting 1000 provisions you must follow and my intriguing five hour storytelling party? Listen well, for you have been chosen for everlasting glory and victory!"
Excalibur's 1000 Provisions
1. My mornings starts off with a cup of coffee with cream.
2. Only 5000k color degree white paper is used to write on.
3. Excalibur's cane is polished once every 10 minutes and 4 seconds.
4. Lima beans are repulsive. Destroy them!
5. Every Friday is poem day.
6. Only order online from Amazon.
7. You're to buy coffee from Starbucks only.
8. Never give to a homeless loser!
9. Excalibur's birthday is every day!
10. Everyone is a FOOL!
11. Always order the most expensive item on the menu.
12. Excalibur will only ride in a Maybach Exelero Supersport. No less!
13. I must have a warm cup of Jasmine tea 30 minutes before I sleep.
14. My meister is exactly 5'5.
15. Use emoticons at the end of every sentence you type. (•ㅅ•)
16. Every bookshelf in the house is dusted 8 times a day.
17. Excalibur is dressed with the finest clothes imported from England.
18. My legend dates back to the 12th century. Let that be known to all!
19. The only game console you are allowed to play is a Wii.
20. I believe in recycling. Therefore, recycle everything!
21. Nothing isn't impossible.
22. A refreshing morning begins with a refreshing greeting!
23. There is no such thing as the Excalibur in Las Vegas.
24. Never step on a sidewalk crack.
25. The font you are to use is size 11.82 Japanese Moon font.
26. No meister of mine makes that face.
27. Excalibur is the most powerful weapon in the world. You will make sure of that.
28. Never order online.
29. My meister lives in a two story four bedroom four bathroom house with the exact cost of $900,000.
30. Tokyo Mew Mew is strictly prohibited.!
31. Always dress demurely.
32. Water fresh from the mountain spring is the only water I drink!
33. You're to get straight As.
34. My meister plays the piano for me at 11:16 AM twice a week
35. Afternoon tea must not be skipped!
36. You will not fall victim to cuteness!
37. Excalibur is your only weapon. No cheating!
38. Rhythm Heaven visuals are a necessity!
39. Do not patronize McDonald's. In-n-Out is the best!
40. You will only use lead pencils when writing.
41, Paper mache is a waste of paper. Origami only!
42. Always root for England in the Olympics!
43. Be perfect!
44. Every Wednesday, we travel to California!
45. I must receive 12 presents on my birthday.
46. Soul Eater and Soul Eater Not! are the only mangas allowed..
47. The cutest food is always put at the table!
48. No secrets are kept from Excalibur!
49. You must meditate with me for 6 hours every Tuesday.
50. Synchronize the clock once every hour.
51. Electric erasers are annoying. Not allowed!
52. Your computer password is 65 letters long.
53. Putting salt on the railroad is punishable by death!
54. You must pay Excalibur a weapon fee of $5 every week
55, Excalibur is always right!
56. The internet is also always right! Believe it!
57. Always place a dehumidifier in your room!
58. When I am humming a tune to myself, you must not speak!
59. At 9:00 every night, we play Rock Band.
60. Hold your breath for one minute three time a week.
61. Only praise Excalibur at 2:30.
62. A lock is put on the TV for "Adult" content.
63. Call everyone "baka".
64. The house always smells like apple-cinnamon Febreze.
65. My meister speaks English, Japanese, Spanish, and French.
66. Your weight is exactly 118.7 pounds.
67. It must be absolutely silent for me to sleep.
68. My breakfast consists of lightly toasted white bread with freshly squeezed orange juice and a blueberry muffin.
69. You will never eat a banana.
70. The highest quality toilet paper is used!
71. Every mirror I look in must have no smudges!
72. You will only use a mouse pad.
73. My meister uses feng shui.
74. Parties hosted at our house must be Excalibur Approved!
75. Excalibur's birthday must be celebrated in a grand manner!
76. Excalibur always sits at the head of the table!
77. I am not Troy Baker! FOOL!
78. Apple is the best company. All devices are Apple!
79. My Neighbor Totoro is your favorite movie.
80. Wear a pin on your shirt saying, "~Excalibur~"
81. Always laugh at Geico commericials!
82. Ladybugs are friends. Let them in the house!
83. On 8/8/98, you may break one rule of your choice.
84. Do not associate with bronies!
85. There is only one sword. That is me!
86. Excalibur memes are to by destroyed.
87. Go to bed at 9:46 every night.
88. Excalibur fanfiction is the only fanfiction you write.
89. Morning doesn't begin at 6:00AM. It begins at 5:59AM.
90. My meister has very precise and neat handwriting.
91. My meister never gets angry.
92. Never attend a matinee movie showing!
93. Slender is your favorite game. Play it alone in the dark every day.
94. The only color you are allowed to use is blue.
95. My meister wears a jacket at all times!
96. 9 X 2 = 17.9
97. Do not go outside unless it's 71 degrees fahrenheit.
98. My meister only gets angry at those who do not know the legend.
99. You must buy 14 karat gold for Excalibur on his birthday.
100. Never say never.
"I now give you permission to discuss my provisions amongst yourselves. Herbal tea is being offered while my publisher is writing my provisions."