*Authors note.

A wonderful friend on Facebook wrote me a most beautiful letter this morning, not only about my story, but about me.

I know I said I would post every Monday, but in honour of the gift she gave me, I am posting this chapter early.

Tash, This is for you, and the kindness in your heart.

Prisoner 08091940- Severus Snape

Cell 42D-High Risk Security

Azkaban Prison- Great Sea, North Atlantic

11/September/1999

Severus,

First and foremost I want to thank you for the sheer honesty and truth in your letter, no matter how hard it was to read. As I told you before, I'm no longer a child and had to face many brutal facts about the world around me including many people I once held dear…especially my parents.

Since you openly broached the subject about my mum and dad, (a topic I would never have brought up unless you started it first) there are some things it is time we both faced together. This has been a long time in coming and it started when I first stupidly invaded your privacy by looking into your Pensieve of memories in my fifth year. It is something I still partially regret to this day, and I can only hope one day you will forgive my idiocy for betraying your confidence when you were trying to give me Occlumency lessons.

Although you have to admit, you didn't make those lessons easy for me either.

The reason I say 'partially' is because until I saw what my father had done to you during his years at Hogwarts, all I ever heard of the man who was my father were glorious tales from Remus, Sirius, Dumbledore and many others.

What boy wouldn't want to have a hero for a father, especially when I never had one? I clung to those stories because those were all I had. It was the same thing with my mum. Any scrap of information I heard about them, I absorbed like a dry sponge and held fast to my heart, especially when I had to go back to the Dursley's every end of term. (I will explain more about that when I answer your questions.)

Looking into your Pensieve was the first time the true seeds of doubt, especially about my father, were planted in my mind.

You don't know this, but after you threw me out of your lab, I ran to the boy's lavatory and threw up. I sat there for a very long time, wanting to tear my hair out, punch a wall or anything just to get the raging anger out of my system. Finally, I made my way to the Astronomy Tower and sat there until the sun rose on a world I no longer knew.

My father was a bully.

He had formed a gang that included those in my life I had come to trust at that time such as Remus and Sirius. He then used 'The Marauders' to inflict terrible things not only to you, but others I later found out, although I know you were always the main target.

And MY father was the leader.

It felt like my whole world had crashed around me, and I didn't know who I was anymore. The man who I had embodied as my hero was no better than Draco Malfoy at that point in my life.

Much later in time when we were hunting for the Horcruxes, I asked Remus the truth at Shell Cottage. He admitted many things I had already figured out, especially about Sirius' long and exaggerated tales about my dad.

But also know this Severus; Remus felt shame over what they had done and told me he could have stopped the pranks and bullying many times, but he was too afraid of losing them as friends; something he regretted until he died. I know it is too late for apologies, but at least know Remus hated most of the things they did, which is why he rarely participated. He was in a similar position as you were; coming from a dirt poor home and worst of all, bearing the horrible secret of being infected with lycanthropy. He never thought for a minute he would have a singular friend, until he found my dad, Sirius and unfortunately Wormtail. He felt as you said, 'that he had found allies in his House' and he clung to them, for better or for worse.

I am in no way asking you to forgive them; I am just presenting you with a new scope to think about. The only way to move on from all the pain they inflicted is to not necessarily forgive them, (I know I would have a hard time doing that too.) but to understand the circumstances behind why they behaved the way they did, and move past it by letting it go. I know that is far easier said than done, but it has to start somewhere. If you don't eventually let go of the past, you will never be able to move on because it will infest you like an infection which will never heal.

The last thing I will say about my father is I can only hope in his later years, he realised what a prick he had been in his youth and changed after he settled down and matured, as most people do. He died trying to buy my mother time when Voldemort came for us. That one final act is the one thing I can be proud of him for.

As for my mum, you're going to have to listen to me whether you want to or not. I told you in the very first letter I penned to you Severus that I would never lie or betray you in anyway. I hope you hold fast to those words in your heart now as I tell you some truths about my mother.

I will quote you from your last letter: "Sometimes the truth is worse than a lie".

"True friends are those who came into your life, saw the most negative part of you, but are not ready to leave you, no matter how contagious you are to them." – Anonymous

Tell me in the deepest part of your being if this sounds like my mother? You were best friends for many years before you both entered Hogwarts. She knew everything about you as you did about her. You shared hopes, dreams and probably secrets only best friends can share. I have no doubt she knew about your home life, and STILL she accepted you, awkwardness and all.

When you entered Hogwarts together, you said yourself you both vowed to keep that friendship alive and strong, but what you fail to see is that you didn't change.

My mother did.

She saw everything you were going through at home and at school, and yet she wanted the impossible; for The Marauders and you to be friends. At first she took your side, but gradually, she drifted more toward her Gryffindor circle and believed all the lies (like you already being a Death Eater) my father, Sirius and others told her.

Would a true friend do that or consult her best friend first, especially when you both went home for holidays and finally had a chance to talk alone?

She saw all the terrible things they did to you and what does she do? Mainly blamed YOU for not trying to get along better!

You explained to her about the pressures of your House and she turned a blind eye to it.

The worst was when my father held you upside-down, exposed in your boxers for all to see with a hex YOU invented yourself, and she actually hid a smile before telling my father to let you down. I know that enraged you and that was why you called her a Mudblood. I am not saying what you said was right, it certainly wasn't, but I understand the reasoning behind it.

The main part Severus was that you DID NOT MEAN IT! You did everything you could to explain and apologise to her, even sleeping outside of her dorm until she came out, but she still refused to listen to you. Instead she cast you away and ended your friendship over something that was not even your fault! That whole debacle was started by Sirius and my dad!

Severus, please listen to me when I tell you that Ron, Hermione and I have had many, many rows. Some of them worse than what happened to you and my mum, but somehow we always came back to reason and learned to listen and forgive one another.

THAT Severus is what true friendship is. Incidents happen where you may get pissed as hell at one another for one stupid thing or another that someone may do, but in the end, you talk about it and forgive each other.

YOU DO NOT ABANDON THEM TO THEIR FATE!

Mum especially knew what you were going through in Slytherin, and just cast you away like a used rag! I can say with all honesty that I am deeply ashamed about what my mum did to you. Had she not abandoned you, I believe just as you said, your life would have taken a different course.

But it's too late to go into what ifs, just like Hermione always points out when I belabour a point. The past can't be changed, but the future can!

The plain truth of the matter Severus, is my mum may have been a good friend to you in the beginning, but she changed, and not necessarily for the better. You need to stop blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault, it was HERS. When you needed her most, she abandoned you over a childish prank YOU didn't even cause!

In my opinion, she had already made up her mind to end the friendship long before that, and used the incident as an excuse to do just that. I may be stepping out of line in saying this, but I did promise you the truth, as painful and shameful as it is to admit.

I know you are probably seething right now, so I will end this by saying one more thing on this matter before I answer your questions.

For the longest time, I put both my parents on a pedestal, but no longer. I love them both, faults and all, but not the way I used to. It is time for you to take my mum off that pedestal you have her on and face reality, just like you told me.

I promise not to broach this subject again, unless you want to, but I had to finally get this out, since you opened that subject. I can only hope that even some of my words will sink in.

Now, I gave the same wizard's promise to answer ten questions, and I will gladly do that as I have nothing to hide. Be prepared however Severus, for some of my answers may not exactly be what you are expecting, for my answers will greatly mirror your own answers in many ways. As I said in previous posts, we share more in common than you think.

1. Tell me what your childhood was actually like. All I know is what I heard from Dumbledore who stated quite often you were treated well and had a loving family. This seems to contrast with your statements of you and I 'having similar upbringings.' I did not know Petunia very well, but from the times I spent with her when she tagged along with Lily and me; she seemed a vindictive and jealous child. Since Dumbledore has told us both many untruths, I want to know the truth from YOU.

Dumbledore lied.

I lived most of my youth in a cupboard under the stairs, which was locked at night so I couldn't get out and steal food to eat or as Uncle Vernon always said 'cause any funny business around the house'. My only companions for eleven years were the spiders who roomed with me, the occasional mouse and my set of tin soldiers Dudley threw away in the trash. When I took out the garbage (which was one of my responsibilities) I found them, and hid the little tin army in my underpants so I could play with them in my cupboard.

When I was old enough to stand and walk, I was trained to cook almost every meal for the family. I couldn't eat with the others until they were done. Usually, I just ate the leftover scraps and whatever I could hide discreetly in my oversized clothes. I was only given Dudley's hand me downs to wear. The first pair of clothes I ever wore that were actually MINE and fit properly were given to me when I entered Hogwarts.

The only time I was allowed to eat with the Dursley's was during Dudley's birthdays, and that was only so I could continue cooking the huge birthday meals Dudley and Uncle Vernon devoured that way Aunt Petunia could spend all her time with Dudley without distractions. Afterwards, I would collect all the wrapping paper and gifts Dudley destroyed because he didn't like them and throw it all in the garbage. If I could manage a small toy that wasn't destroyed beyond repair, I would hide it in my clothes to bring to my cupboard later.

My birthdays were always treated like any other day, and never acknowledged in anyway shape or form. The first birthday cake I ever got was the one Hagrid made when he was finally able to deliver my Hogwarts letter to me on that horrible island Uncle Vernon took us to in order to escape the barrage of Hogwarts owls trying to deliver my school invitation letter.

All other holidays were exactly the same; Christmas, Easter, Boxing Day etc. The first real present I ever received was Christmas morning during my first year at Hogwarts. Ron's mum had sent me a sweater she has knitted herself (which I still have and treasure) along with REAL SWEETS, another thing I had never tasted before. The most I ever got from the Dursley's was an already eaten lemon ice pop that Dudley didn't want. Believe it or not, that first ice pop was pure heaven for me, and it is still my favourite treat to this day.

My other duties included cleaning the house from top to bottom, laundry and ironing, mending clothes and cleaning up after Dudley when he wasn't beating me up. (Also called 'Harry Hunting', his favourite game.)

I was rarely allowed outside for fear the neighbours might see their 'freak' (sound familiar?) nephew. I've always believed this is why my growth was stunted, as I rarely saw sunlight.

If I failed to meet any of these duties, or said the wrong thing (usually everything I said was wrong, so I eventually learnt to stay silent unless spoken to), I was beaten with a cane (Uncle Vernon's Smelter's stick) and locked in my cupboard for days without food or light.

During those 'punishment times' they did push water through a slot in my cupboard and allowed me to relieve myself under strict supervision from Uncle Vernon, before being locked back into my prison.

It wasn't until my second year at Hogwarts that Dumbledore demanded I have my own room. It was Dudley's extra room where he kept all his broken toys and discarded gifts, but I didn't care! For the first time I had a place where I could actually stand upright and stretch, PLUS it had a window! (Even if the window did have bars on them, I didn't care because I could at least see outside... especially the sky!)

The Dursley's only acknowledged me as their freak nephew whom they considered a 'criminal' of sorts. If it wasn't for my Hogwarts letter (which they did everything in their power NOT to let me open) I would have been forced to go to Stonewall High; a school mainly made up of juvenile delinquents.

In other words, I had no family. Blood does not equate family in my mind.

At least you had a friend and a loving mum Severus, I didn't even have that. My entire early years were spent in isolation if I wasn't working. The only things I had to talk to were my tin soldiers and the spiders and mice who roomed with me.

Same as you, my real life didn't begin until I got to Hogwarts, good or bad.

2. You mentioned your dreams and the copious amounts of Dreamless Sleep (something we will have to discuss in a future missive) you take. I want to know what you see in your dreams, and what they entail. Leave no details out. I ask this for a reason I shall not divulge in at this time.

I've never spoken to anyone about my dreams…or as Hermione calls them, 'night terrors'. She's been one of the only people to see me in such a state, especially when we were hunting for the Horcruxes. She always had a way to draw me out of them I could never understand. She tried to ask me what it was I was seeing, but I made it clear that subject was off limits. At first she was peeved, but eventually respected my decision.

There are just some things no one will understand unless they have experienced it themselves.

This is why you are the only person I will ever share this information with Severus, because I have a gut feeling, I am not the only one who wrestles with demons in the night.

My dreams are varied and complex. Many of them are about the war, and the people I had to kill in order to complete my final mission. Then there are those where I wake up back in my cupboard, but this time, there is no Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia, only the sound of my voice screaming to get out before Voldemort finds me. The cupboard is no longer locked with a padlock, but metal steel bars, and in the distance, I can hear his hiss like laugh coming closer and closer...

Finally, I can see the shadow of his robes standing right in front of my cupboard through the slat underneath the door. He says only one thing:

"This time Harry Potter there is no escape, and no one to help you."

Then the door finally explodes with green blinding light as he screams, "Avada Kedavra!"

Many of my dreams are similar, but the worst one Severus is finding myself once again an eleven year old boy at Hogwarts, except this time the entire castle is deserted. Even the paintings are empty.

Somehow, I always find myself making my way in the eerie silence to Dumbledore's office.

When I enter, there is nothing in the room but The Mirror of Erised. Even though I want to run away, I can't. My feet slowly propel me forward against my will until I am standing in front of the gigantic mirror.

At first all I see is myself as I was the first time I looked into it. But eventually in the mirror, I can see the office door opening behind me. Every time I turn around the door is closed, but the reflection says otherwise.

Then a young Tom Riddle enters, just as he looked in the Chamber of Secrets.

No matter how many times I look behind me there is nothing there, but in the mirror he is coming closer and closer. I want to run, scream, do anything, but my whole being is paralysed!

When he is finally standing directly behind me, his reflection mouths two words, his eyes green slits:

"You're mine."

Then I am being pulled through the mirror. No longer paralysed, I do everything I can to fight him, but his grip is like steel, and being in the body of an eleven year old, my strength is no match for his. Still, I don't give up, and resort to biting, punching, screaming, anything that will keep him from pulling me through that bloody mirror.

Somehow, I always wake up before he can pull me through.

You're right Severus. Sometimes I can't take facing these nightly terrors, so I take Dreamless Sleep in amounts I know you wouldn't approve, but until I can find a way to end these nightmares, I have no other alternative. I have to function in society, and I can't do that looking like the walking dead with a disoriented mind.

I am sure I don't have to tell you to please keep all I told you strictly between us. I trust you, and know you would never betray me.

3. Since you decided to spy upon my library, what is YOUR favourite poem or book?

This is a difficult question to answer since I have so many. When I was younger, I wasn't much of a reader, but after the war, I found reading brought me a lot of peace, especially at night. It is sort of my own way to 'escape'.

If I had to pick a favourite book, it would be J.R.R. Tolkien's 'The Lord of the Rings' trilogy. (I know I am cheating a bit since those are technically THREE books, but I basically count it as one!)

My favourite poem comes from Walt Whitman's 'Leaves of Grass'.

When I Heard at the Close of the Day

When I heard at the close of the day how my name had been receiv'd
with plaudits in the capitol, still it was not a happy night
for me that follow'd;
And else, when I carous'd, or when my plans were accomplish'd, still
I was not happy;
But the day when I rose at dawn from the bed of perfect health,
refresh'd, singing, inhaling the ripe breath of autumn,
When I saw the full moon in the west grow pale and disappear in the
morning light,
When I wander'd alone over the beach, and undressing, bathed,
laughing with the cool waters, and saw the sun rise,
And when I thought how my dear friend, my lover, was on his way
coming, O then I was happy;
O then each breath tasted sweeter-and all that day my food nourish'd
me more-and the beautiful day pass'd well,
And the next came with equal joy-and with the next, at evening, came
my friend;
And that night, while all was still, I heard the waters roll slowly
continually up the shores,
I heard the hissing rustle of the liquid and sands, as directed to
me, whispering, to congratulate me,
For the one I love most lay sleeping by me under the same cover in
the cool night,
In the stillness, in the autumn moonbeams, his face was inclined
toward me,
And his arm lay lightly around my breast-and that night I was happy.

4. What happened to the three Hallows: The Elder Wand, Resurrection Stone and Cloak? For the sake of the wizarding world, I pray you did not keep them.

I only kept one, and that was my father's cloak. I hope to pass it on one day to someone who deserves it, and will not abuse its power.

The Elder Wand, I placed back in Dumbledore's Tomb, where it will remain forever. I placed a spell upon the whole of the tomb to make sure future generations will never be able to break into it. The only people who know where the wand is are Hermione, Ron, myself and now you. Everyone else thinks I broke it and tossed it over a cliff.

As for the Resurrection Stone, I dropped it deep in the Forbidden Forest, never to be found again.

I hope this puts your mind at rest.

5. I understand this need you have for isolation, but take it from one who knows, it is not worth the loneliness and desolation that will undoubtedly follow. You are still young Po- Harry. You can train and study while still making the most of your life, including finding a person of the female persuasion you may one day marry. Your mother would have wanted this, so I ask why are you so alone when you have the world at your feet and any witch you could pick as a mate?

Severus, I am happy as I am right now; content actually for the first time in my life. I am not exactly in exile you know. I do go out with friends, like Draco, Hermione, Neville, etc. I am not exactly a recluse, and once I begin my internship at Hogwarts, I'll be surrounded by many people...perhaps too many!

As for a companion of 'the female persuasion' as you so eloquently put it, I am sorry to disappoint you, but I'd rather have someone of the 'male persuasion'. I've gone on enough dates thanks to Hermione's attempt at matchmaking, to know I have no attraction to women.

I am not about to announce to the world that 'the boy who lived' is bent, but I'm not going to hide it from myself or anyone either. Both Hermione and Draco respect my choice, and I hope you can too, as shocking as it may be.

When and if I am ready to find a mate, I will.

6. Did you really attempt to hex The Minister For Magic on my behalf?

Ahh, so I see the ferret told you the story of when we visited the Minister.

The answer to that is yes Severus, I nearly hexed his balls off until Hermione and Draco pushed me back down.

I guess I still have some work to do on 'controlling my emotions' as you always used to tell me. Perhaps you can help me with that when you are free.

7. Why in Merlin's name do you continue this fight for me? If it is for feeling guilty as to my sides in the war, I forgive you and set you free. If it is out of pity, I will cease this correspondence today. If it is out of remorse, again, all is forgiven. 'We each had a part to play in this war, and we played it well', as you so eloquently put it in one missive. So why then do you persist on fighting for someone who belittled you and treated you like a pariah during your youth?

I'll reiterate the quote I gave you earlier:

"True friends are those who came into your life, saw the most negative part of you, but are not ready to leave you, no matter how contagious you are to them." – Anonymous

Unlike others in your life, I have no intention of abandoning you. I care for you Severus. No matter what you do, I will never abandon you. I give you THAT as a wizard's oath.

8. Tell me of your favourite place to relax that brings you peace in mind and heart.

I built a glasshouse atop Grimmauld Place. It is hidden from Muggle view, but it is there I go to read, relax and just stare at the sky, especially at night. Neville helped me to build it in exchange for allowing him to grow several of his plants there he wishes to experiment with.

Last year, Neville had a tree imported from the U.S. called a Snowy Mespilus. It is a beautiful tree with slender branches that burst with clouds of white star-shaped blossoms in spring. When they gently drift to the ground, they remind me of lazy summer skies. I write almost all your letters under that tree, including this one. It is the one thing I will miss when I leave for Hogwarts, but Hermione, Draco and Neville promised to take care of it for me. I will enclose one of the blossoms in this letter so you can see what it looks like. A very small Stasis Charm will pass through the Azkaban inspection, just like the one used to keep your food preserved.

9. Do you really care for the wellbeing of my godson as much as he claims?

At first I didn't trust him considering all he had done to me in school, however time and Hermione has changed him, as well as the cowardice of his parents. He is not the same person I went to school with, and considering he is marrying my best friend I would have to say yes, I do trust him. In fact, I consider him more of a friend now than Ron.

If I had to Severus, I would lay down my life to protect him, make no mistake about that.

10. What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?

Severus, this is the first time in a very long time I have laughed. It shows me that horrible place has not got the best of you and that you still have a sense of humour.

So to answer your question Professor Snape:

They make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of Living Death.

I'll even go further by answering ALL the questions you asked me the first day we met in Potions class:

Where would you look if I tell you to find me a Bezoar?

A Bezoar is a stone, taken from the stomach of a goat and it will save you from the most poisons.

And last but not least:

What is the difference between Monkshood and Wolfsbane?

They are the same plant which also goes by the name of Aconite.

I hoped I passed the test sir, because as you stated in a previous letter, I have to study under a Potions master for two years before I can be considered a Healer, and the only person I want to study under is YOU.

I hope my letter has not shocked or offended you in anyway, because I would wholeheartedly like to continue this correspondence if you will allow it. Only time will tell if you answer.

I shall be watching my post daily.

Harry

P.S. "When twilight drops her curtain down and pins it with a star, remember that you have a friend though he may wander far." – L.M. Montgomery