I had this story up ages ago but then I deleted it for some reason that I don't remember. Oh well, it's back now. This was kind of inspired by an excellent book I remember reading as a child. It's called Bill's New Frock by Anne Fine. You should definitely read it if you haven't already.

This is a bit of a futurefic with the added premise of "what if Sasuke just randomly turned into a girl?" Shennanigans will ensue.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. This is only fanfiction produced for fun and frivolity, not for profit. If I did own Naruto, there would be way more female characters.

1. A Yellow Lace Bra

Sasuke knew the day was going to be odd when he woke up to find his prison inmate leering at him. He glared and cracked his stiff neck, hoping that would scare the other man into looking away but it didn't. The inmate continued to stare lewdly at him with a predatory grin. Sasuke would have liked to smash him through a wall but his position wouldn't allow it: he was classified as 'highly dangerous' and had to sit for all hours of the day in an anchored steel chair with chains and shackles on his wrists and ankles clipped onto a large metal ring that was fused to the concrete floor somewhere beneath his seat. No matter what threatening glower Sasuke sent towards the vulgar man he never took his perverted stare off Sasuke. Sasuke growled at him.

"What?" he snapped curtly but the voice that made the sound and echoed off the dark walls and iron bars wasn't his voice. Sasuke's voice had a distinct pitch and that word hadn't been said with that distinct pitch. In fact, it sounded suspiciously like a woman's voice. But that wasn't right because he definitely wasn't a woman.

In the end, he decided he'd been interrupted. Yes. A woman somewhere in the prison had loudly exclaimed the same word as him and drowned him out unintentionally. That made logical sense.

Down in this dark, windowless cell Sasuke had no method of accurately telling the time, except when the guards came to give meals and take the other man chained to the wall away for hard manual labour. He heard the light footsteps (customary for any ninja) and the jangling of keys that signalled the gaolers coming but something wasn't right. Sasuke didn't know what time it was but he had the feeling that it was too early for breakfast so the guards shouldn't be here for a while.

When two guards arrived at the iron bars they didn't have breakfast with them. One of the ninja guards dressed in black and wearing a Konoha forehead protector opened the door and stepped inside. Sasuke had started to think that perhaps the other man was about to be relocated to a different cell if the guards weren't here to feed them. Due to the nature of his crimes, Sasuke wasn't even allowed to have solid meals. Cutlery and breakable plates or bowls could easily be understood, but apparently a piece of watermelon could be used as a tool to asphyxiate someone, so Sasuke was given a liquefied substance in a thick plastic cup which he wasn't even allowed to hold by himself. Needless to say, Sasuke could barely contain his surprise when the guard approached him and crouched down in front of him to detach his chains. The inmate whistled at what was a suggestive position from his angle and the second guard promptly knocked him out (Sasuke was thankful for that). The guard in front of him yanked him to his feet and allowed Sasuke a little bit of time to stretch his stiff, aching bones and muscles. However, he was still limited by his chains.

"Sasuke, you are to come with us to the interrogation room," the guard told him. "You are not to ask questions and even if you do they will not be answered. If you try anything funny – such as escape – the orders are to kill you on the next sighting."

Sasuke just grunted. The guard led him out of the cell and the other locked it. Sasuke was escorted up the narrow corridor lit by flaming torches that reminded him of Orochimaru's lairs. There was a purpose to the torches. They could have used electric lights but the burning of oxygen, the heat emitted and the stuffy, windowless building meant that staying down here was hot, uncomfortable and it was harder to breathe. It was torture in a sense. They climbed a flight of stairs and the guard opened the reinforced steel door at the top. Walking into the cooler, fresher alone was enough to give Sasuke the sense that some great weight had been lifted off his chest and shoulders but he wouldn't let anyone know that outwardly. One side of this corridor was lined with cell doors that had little barred windows, the other side was a wall with little barred windows at the top letting in natural light. It wasn't bright; the day was still in the early hours of the morning but after sitting in the dim firelight for months, never coming out, Sasuke was enthralled to see any form of daylight, even the somewhat dim glow of the pinkish sky. They continued to make steady progress down the hallways and corridors until they had reached their destination.

In the interrogation room Sasuke was forced to sit down on a wooden chair in front of a wooden table with a single lamp hanging above them. He rolled his eyes at the clichéd setting. He and the guards waited for what must have been at least an hour before someone finally came in. Flanked by three ANBU, it was Tsunade. Sasuke blinked as the large-breasted blonde walked in carrying a cardboard box. She set her box down on her end of the table and sat down. Curiosity getting the better of him, Sasuke tried to lean forward to catch a glimpse of what was in the box but a guard yanked him back by the hair.

Sasuke only wanted an answer to one question: why am I here? Tsunade seemed to understand his silent question in his glare. She reached into the box to take out a yellow unsealed manila folder.

"I'm sure today's events have already been quite confusing for you," she began. She seemed to be picking her words carefully. Sasuke narrowed his eyes at that. "But I've come to handle the details of your release."

"Excuse me?" There it was again. That female voice that he assumed had so rudely interrupted him before but this time there was no other explanation other than that the voice had come from himself. What was going on?

"We can confirm that the Uchiha Sasuke that has been confined in this prison for the past six months is not the same Uchiha Sasuke that we regard as an international criminal in the ninja world," Tsunade explained.

Again, Sasuke could barely conceal the shock and left his mouth hanging open in response to that. How did that logic work? Everyone had seen him run away from the village when he was twelve, everyone had seen him attack the Five Kage Summit and everyone had seen him fight on Uchiha Madara's side in the Fourth Shinobi War. Even he knew that he'd done those things. How could the former Hokage now come along and deny all of that?

"The reason being," she continued, "that we are without a doubt that the Uchiha Sasuke who became an international criminal was male." She opened the manila folder and slid it towards him. It was just a basic prison file that recorded his age, height, name, crime and evidently, his gender as well. The kanji for man was circled.

"What's your point?" Sasuke said, mentally wincing at the odd sound of his voice. He reasoned that it was probably because he hadn't used it for a long time since he barely spoke to anyone in the prison.

"This is my point..." Tsunade sighed, reaching over the table and unzipping Sasuke's shirt. The guards and ANBU must have been extremely well trained or they must have known about this because when Sasuke looked down and lifted his heavy, shackled hands to feel his chest even he couldn't hide the horror when faced with this. He had breasts. They were little breasts but that didn't change the fact that they were there.

"You don't have a penis either," she added. "Therefore, we can conclude that you are, in fact, not an international criminal and under the laws regarding false charges, we have to set you free with compensation."

"No."

Tsuande blinked. "What do you mean, 'no'?"

"I mean 'no'! I'm a man! I'm a traitor! I know this! I did it and I remember it. What is going on?"

"We're letting you free because you don't match the description of the person who should be imprisoned here."

"But... why? Why am I suddenly a woman? How did this happen to me?"

"I don't know, but as long as you're a woman there is evidence to prove that you don't deserve to be in prison." Sasuke gaped at her. How could she say that with a straight face? He half expected her to suddenly start laughing, tell him it was a hilarious joke and then send him straight back to his cell.

"Now, for the matter of your financial situation." She was serious. Sasuke suddenly felt like he wanted to die; just drop dead right there. "As you are aware, you will be receiving compensation for false charges-"

"They were not false charges," Sasuke argued.

"Shut up! Anyway, we decided to provide the compensation in the form of shelter and furnishings rather than a monetary payout simply because you already have an enormous inheritance."

"From where?" Sasuke demanded.

Tsunade picked up a second folder from inside the box. It was a red manila folder with a seal. Tsunade peeled away the tape and pushed it in front of Sasuke, ordering the guards to take the cuffs off his wrists so that he could open it himself. The cool, dry air was slightly stinging his raw, clammy skin. He opened the folder. It contained a number of documents but the writing all blurred into little squiggly lines. He looked up at her expectantly and she nodded in understanding.

"The documents in that folder detail your compensation and a large sum of money from an account in the Konoha bank under the name 'Uchiha' that amounts to eight hundred million yen."

"Why do I suddenly have eight hundred million yen?" Sasuke inquired disbelievingly. If he had all of this money why had he been living off an allowance from the Hokage since his clan's massacre?

"You should be grateful; you're lucky to have it," Tsunade said. "When the Uchiha clan was massacred, all of the savings, earnings that hadn't been collected yet and dowries were combined, any debts subtracted and piled into one account. The Uchiha clan was very large, Sasuke and I'm actually not surprised that it added up to such a large amount of money. You have the Third Hokage to thank for that. The council members and Danzo wanted to take that money and use it for the development of the ANBU factions, but the Third overruled that, declaring that since it was your clan's finances and since you were still alive it was officially your inheritance. Unfortunately, you were too young to access it until now.

"Now, we're going to let you go outside the prison gates and we're not arranging any transport to your new home. The guard will tell you your new address when you're outside and I think you're perfectly capable of making your own way there."

"Save for the fact that I'm half blind," Sasuke retorted scathingly.

"You'll get over that. Also, I think you can expect your breasts to grow in the time following, so you'll need this." She took the final item out of the box and tossed it to him. "If your mother's size is any indication of how big you'll grow that will fit you."

Sasuke picked up the item, feeling the material. It was a yellow, lace bra. Sasuke cringed. Not only was yellow an awful colour for any undergarment in his opinion, he had no intention of wearing this bra. He was sure that he'd just wake up tomorrow and find that he was a man who'd been having a bad dream. It was a good thing he couldn't read the size on the tag, though – the only thing that could have made this dream worse. He was sure that if he knew what his mother's cup size was, he would have to kill himself.

The guards unlocked his shackles and lifted him to his feet to prepare him for release.

Sasuke looked around his new apartment. It was quite spacious, in a good part of town and painted with soothing neutral colours. If there was decoration anywhere in the form of flower arrangements, woven rugs or wind chimes, he really couldn't tell through his impaired vision. He activated the Sharingan. The Konoha medic-nins had done something to him before he was detained in his cell to try to disable the Sharingan, in particular the Mangekyo. They failed spectacularly at it and left Sasuke half blind. The only time he was able to get his full vision back was when he activated the Sharingan and even then it didn't get back to 20-20 until he activated the Mangekyo. Most of the time he didn't feel like it was necessary to waste his chakra just to look around. Irony, that's what it is.

The apartment turned out to be bland and devoid of much decoration except for some kind of pale pole-like thing near the wall that didn't catch his interest. From what he could see, the first half of the first room was an open living area with a space with a table and two chairs for dining on the right and a kitchen on the left. The second half was a living room of sorts with a set of drawers, a couch, a chair and a coffee table. Beyond that was a balcony behind sliding glass doors with nothing on it. On the right wall was a doorway leading to a laundry room and a small water closet and on the wall on the balcony just outside there was a washing line that folded down for convenience. On the left wall of the living room was a closed door that led into a small hallway that led into two bedrooms and a bathroom between them.

Sasuke put his folders and his bra on the dining room table and started to rummage around. There was no food in his fridge or pantry and there were no clothes or shoes in his bedroom cupboard. He had towels and bath mats made of wooden slats, and a few plates, cups and cutlery. It was an adequate amount for one person living alone. He sighed and went back to the folders. He flipped through the documents of the red folder to find a green card which he put in the pocket of his pants. Not getting spotted by anyone he knew on the way to the apartment was a miracle. However, now that he was forced to do some shopping he didn't stand a chance. All of Konoha would know that he was now a she.

She glanced at the bra for a brief moment and decided against putting it on. She didn't know how anyway.