Chapter 6: Miracles Still Happen

The water tank in the corner of his room called to Javik as soon as he crossed the threshold. Now that the buzz from adrenaline disappeared from his head, he longed to be alone. Truly alone. Hearing the door sealing behind him with a comforting sound, he dipped his hands into the tank's depths.

Scrub. Wash away. All the way to the elbows.

It didn't help. The feel of Liara, her being, her essence still clung to him, no matter what he did.

What happened to him on the Citadel?

A primitive touched him. He touched a primitive. It didn't feel repulsive. That was wrong. He had to rectify it.

He scrubbed even harder, sending the ripples across the surface of the water. The feeling still wouldn't go away.

Giving up, Javik pulled his hands out of the water and knelt on the rug in the middle of the room. It was so quiet he could hear the drops of water falling down on the soft fabric.

Having sharp senses could really work against him sometimes.

He needed peace. He needed to clear his head, and push away the thought of Liara's delicate fingers grasping his forearm, and how it frightened him. How it sprang free the memory he did not wish to remember. How her face brightened up when he touched her shoulder. How he felt her even through their armors, and how warm it made him feel.

Javik looked up at the ceiling, the bright light blinding his sensitive eyes. He endured until the pain forced him to close them.

The pain was good. Familiar. He didn't deserve the warm feeling of belonging and happiness. He had failed his crew. He had failed her. He had failed as a friend and a commander and a—

And what?

Javik flinched as a tiny Prothean voice appeared in the back of his head. Her voice.

The room spun around him as he jumped to his feet. He looked around, although he knew she could not be here. As his gaze fell on the memory shard, Javik shivered.

Go on, use it! Face it!

He shook his head, and took a step back.

I didn't know you were such a coward. Another voice spoke. This time a male Prothean's, but not his.

"I am the Avatar of Vengeance! Not a coward!" he growled at the empty room and sank to his knees again.

Neither of the voices responded. Good. He still had control over his own mind.

The silence didn't help him. Somewhere in the back of his mind Javik knew that The Voices spoke the truth. He didn't want to see memories stored in the shard. He didn't want to bond with this crew and see them end up like—

Like his old ship. The ship he commanded. The ship in the middle of the dark cloud in his head.

Javik growled again, shaking his head. It didn't help either. His mind was stuck. Stuck in the ancient patterns of thought driven into his soul by the last remnants of his empire.

Of the empire that was long gone. His vengeance made no sense. Not anymore.

What feels better, Javik suddenly asked himself, and in the voice of his own mind this time, this, or your fight with Liara?

The emptiness of the room answered the question. It suffocated him, tortured him, begging him to go out and…

And live.

This cycle still had life.

For the first time in his life, Javik pushed the old patterns of thought away through the force of his own will. He wanted to break free.

He wanted to live.

Standing up, Javik looked at the water tank again, this time with disdain. He didn't want to run away anymore.

Javik exited the room and headed for the elevator. This time he didn't want to experience the traces of those who were here before, but the real people. Real, actual people.

In this cycle miracles still happened.

Arriving at the place where the crewmembers ate their meals – the mess hall, did they call it? – Javik spotted only one prim—person sitting at one of the tables. The hunk of meat from the vehicle hangar. James Vega.

Javik took a step back, and then another one, nearly regretting his decision to mingle with the crew. Again, he had to use sheer force of will to stop himself from retreating to the elevator. He could do this. He would win the most difficult fight of them all.

The fight against himself, and the fears buried deep within him.

Taking a deep breath, Javik lowered himself on the chair across the human. Vega responded promptly by widening his eyes in shock.

"Human," Javik said, trying to come up with a more appropriate greeting. Nothing showed up. His mind felt like it was wiped completely blank.

Vega's mouth opened and closed several times before he finally spoke. "So… a Prothean, huh?"

This was going to be such a mind-stimulating conversation, Javik could already tell.

"Yes." Again, he searched his mind for something to say, and again he found nothing. Nothing that wouldn't be insulting, at least.

Why were the old patterns of thoughts so difficult to break?

"Aw, shit!" Vega suddenly jumped from the chair and ran over to the kitchen. He lifted a smoking pan from the stove and peeked under the lid. "Phew, they're okay. Just a second longer…"

"What are okay?" Javik found the question suddenly popping up in his brain.

"My eggs, man!" Vega grinned from ear to ear. "Want a bite?"

The smell was good. His stomach felt cold and empty.

"Yes."

Even a Prothean needed to eat. And the yellowish mass that found its way to the plate before Javik looked more edible than the ration bars he kept sneaking out of the refrigerator.

Javik tore away a small piece of the mass and put in his mouth. It felt hot… almost too hot for its temperature. It somehow burned on the way down, but the feeling wasn't unpleasant. It invited him, begged him to eat more. To fill the cold emptiness within him.

Vega watched Javik hesitate with a confused expression on his face. How would a human know that a Prothean didn't let anyone see him eat? It was a weakness, revealing possible enemies what to poison.

Javik munched down on another piece. None of the people on this ship were his enemies. He could eat. He could let them see him eat.

Another piece disappeared in his mouth. And another one. And another one. Javik kept going until he cleared the plate, enjoying the pleasant feeling of having his stomach full.

In this cycle there was still warmth. Warmth that even he was allowed to enjoy.

"Was it good?" Vega still had a grin on his face.

"Yes, human." Javik took a deep breath. "Thank you."

Why did those simple two words hurt so much? Didn't the human – Vega - deserve praise for his work?

"I wonder if the Doc would like some," Vega mused, interrupting Javik's reverie. "She works so hard sometimes she forgets to eat."

"The Doc?"

"Liara." Vega motioned with his head at the door near the kitchen. "Always busy, staring at those monitors. I never see her doing anything fun."

"I will take a plate to her," Javik replied, surprising himself. "I wanted to talk to her anyway."

As he spoke those words, Javik realized that it was indeed true. He wanted to talk to her.

Vega eyed him for a moment before unloading more of the yellow mass – eggs – on another plate. He also supplied a utensil Javik did not recognize before handing it over.

The only thing left to do now was to take it to Liara's room.

You wanna bang him.

Liara hugged her pillow tighter, ignoring Aethyta's voice echoing in her head.

You wanna bang him.

Was it true? Was her father right?

You wanna bang him, her feed chattered. You wanna bang him, the swirling images on Glyph spelled. You wanna bang him, her heart whispered.

Liara whimpered and tossed the pillow away from her. She needed to get up, to monitor the reports and feeds and find out about the exact amount of damage the quarians tried to inflict on themselves by attacking the geth. The ship was en route to the Far Rim, and Shepard needed that info.

Shepard. Her mind was surprisingly silent at the mention of this name. Good. At least that improved.

Sighing, Liara stood up and approached her monitors. She sat in front of them for a long time, not doing anything, just trying to recall the sweet feeling of Javik's hand on her shoulder.

Goddess.

The door to her office hissed open. Liara turned towards the sound to…

… To see her mind playing tricks with her. That was the only explanation.

In the doorway stood a bug-shaped form in red armor, carrying a plate of eggs in his hands with a fork laid across it.

Javik. Carrying a plate. With food. As she watched, he moved closer and offered it to her, not speaking a word.

She had either gone insane or just witnessed a miracle.

Closing her mouth – she didn't even realize she was gaping – Liara took the proffered plate and set it on her desk.

"Am I interrupting?" Javik asked. Since when he bothered with pleasantries?

She shook her head. Words didn't exist in her brain right now.

"I…" he hesitated."I… want to tell you something. About my people. I know you want to find out more about them."

She waited, turning into all ears. Processing would come later.

"The truth is…" he paused again. "… I don't know much. My memories are… confused. There are… things, stories about the greatness of our Empire, but what I do remember does not match. We lost the war, but that is not our greatest failure. We have lost ourselves."

"What do you mean?" Liara finally found her voice.

"We were scared animals when I entered cryostasis. Afraid of what comes next and of one another, but too proud to admit it. There was nothing left in us, just hatred, arrogance and fear. It is… a cold feeling. Colder than the pod you found me in. You don't want to experience it. Liara."

Her lower lip shook when she heard her name spoken by him. There was something in his voice, something—

"But there is more," he continued. Liara flinched a little. What could be worse? "I do not remember myself properly. There are voices, images in my head, torturing me. It is like a dark cloud in my mind, concealing parts of my past from me."

"But you said… about that device we found on you." She took a step closer. Something tugged on her chest when she thought about him alone in that room, tortured by his own mind. "You said it can store memories."

"Yes. The Echo Shard." He turned away from her. "I am afraid to use it. Afraid of what I might find out." He slumped against the wall, as if admitting this took his strength away.

"Javik…" Liara whispered, overwhelmed by a plethora of emotions she couldn't even name. He looked up at her, all four of his eyes twitching, moving out of sync. "Javik," she said louder, approaching him. Part of her still couldn't believe that he shared this.

She wanted to touch him, to hold his hand again like on the Citadel. She wanted to hold him close, stand with him and help dealing with his memories.

She didn't want to just bang him.

"Do… do you think Shepard would still want me on her ship if she knew I am not the great warrior I presented myself to be?"

"Of course!" Liara reached for his hand, but refrained from making contact in the last moment. The last time she did that it sent him through a flashback or another sort of intense memory. She didn't want to put him through that again. "You are a great warrior. What you've been through… would destroy a lesser person."

"Am I not destroyed?"

"You're alive," she said. "You saw the Citadel. You saw a Reaper fall dead on Tuchanka. You've come farther than any Prothean ever."

Javik was silent for a while. Finally, he said, "This cycle is so much different… but I begin to understand it… even like it."

Liara nodded, feeling the urge to touch him again. All this time she thought that Javik was an arrogant asshole when he was a tortured soul in need of comfort.

How did her heart know what her mind didn't?

"Liara?" Javik's fingers brushed against hers for a moment. If the fleeting touch didn't feel like electric current, she'd be sure she just imagined it. "Would you… would you look at the shard to fix your memory if you were me?"

"I would…" She gripped his hand and he didn't flinch our tear it away.

"Even if it brought you great pain?"

"I… I used to run from my past," she admitted. "Not as traumatic as yours, but I think it brought me greater pain by avoiding it than attempting to face it. I think I'd take my chances with the memories."

He nodded and released her hand. "I will not disappoint you."

Disappoint? Her? He cared about disappointing her? Or was he talking about someone else?

"When you're ready. Take your time. I—None of us wants you to hurt yourself with experiencing too much pain."

He nodded again, straightening."It feels good to share one's burdens with another soul. It has been so long since I could do it…" He reduced his voice to a whisper. "So long…"

"That's what friends are for." Liara smiled. Other… things she experienced today would have to wait. For now, if he could find a friend in her ought to be enough.

"And a friend does not leave another friend hungry." Javik's lips stretched in a grin, baring his teeth, but this time it didn't look as intimidating as usual. "Eat."

"What?"

He motioned at the plate on her desk.

"Eat, asari!" The grin deepened. "Vega says you keep forgetting it. I don't want you to collapse in the middle of another Cerberus attack." With that, he turned on his heels and left as abruptly as he entered.

Was that humor she detected in his undertone? Real, Normandy-certified humor? Not another way to insult her?

Today was a good day for miracles, indeed.

Smiling to herself, Liara grabbed the fork and turned her attention to the plate. Vega's famous eggs looked spicy delicious.