Sirius watched with growing horror as James clothes grew soaked with more blood, he was bleeding a lot worse than he had before he transformed. Sirius guessed the partial transformation had damaged his injuries further, and when James coughed up blood and passed out he made a quick decision.

Ignoring Peter's fearful protests , Sirius lifted James. His own shoulder twinged as he hurried across the lawn towards the castle and desperately tried no to think that the liquid he felt wetting his own shirt was his friend's blood. He entered the castle and was halfway to the infirmary when a ghost glided to the wall in front of him bringing his hurried walk to a halt. Sirius hadn't bothered to retrieve the invisibility cloak in his hurry to get James to the infirmary as he was confronted by the apparition of a maliciously grinning little man he cursed his own carelessness.

Peeves was clutching a set of walking sticks and staring at them with delight. The small poltergeist gave a wicked grin . "Oooh, the three troublemakers out of bed late at night. Off to pull another prank are we?" the ghost drifted closer and peered at James before continuing. "That's a good one that is."

"This isn't a prank Peeves." Sirius said tightly aware that if he angered Peeves then the ghost was more than capable of retaliating in a particularly nasty manner.

"So you expect me to believe you're not taking him to the infirmary intending on scaring Madam Pomfrey to death?" Peeves said in a mocking tone.

"No Peeves this is serious."

"Serious is it? Well then I'm sure he's actually bleeding to death and not one of your little illusions you placed." Peeves said in a falsely solemn voice. Peeves maintained a grave expression for a second then fell out laughing. "I know you Sirius . You can't trick a trickster, unless ...you resort to unfair means. And let me tell you that was very embarrassing. So much so that I haven't forgotten one moment of it." The last words were hissed in a serious menacing tone and Peeves eyes glinted as he stared at Sirius.

Sirius tried not to appear concerned by the implied threat and distinctly regretted the trick he had played on the castle's poltergeist. "Peeves this isn't a joke. I'm—" Sirius began.

"On second thought let's not scare madam Pomfrey to death. She'd be a dreary ghost." Peeves over talked Sirius like the boy hadn't spoke. "And if you want that blood to look more real you should-"

"Peeves. This isn't a bloody joke. " Sirius yelled

The poltergeist paused mid words and his eyes narrowed shrewdly. "You're saying James is actually injured?" The poltergeist ventured closer and seemed to inspect the other boy momentarily. Then drew back and asked. "What were you doing?"

Sirius ignored the question and asked one of his own. "Will you let us go now?"

Peeves hesitated as if he was trying to discern whether it was another trick then said. "Go Sirius Black- if James truly is that injured I'll let you through without the usual payment. I'd hate for something to happen to him, he at least knows there is honour among thieves." Sirius began to move past but the ghost suddenly swooped down blocking his way one more and moved his face only an inch away from Sirius. He whispered "But if this is a trick , you'll regret it. Very much so." Then the poltergeist allowed them to past unhampered except for attempting to drop a walking stick on Peter's head as he passed.

Sirius was halfway down the corridor as Peeves called after him. "Avoid the left corridor, I slicked the floor."

Sirius hastened to the infirmary. When he arrived there it was deserted. The beds were carefully made and dim candlelight flickered across the stone walls. He lifted James still form onto a bed and hurried off to find Madam Pomfrey. He opened a door at the end of the ward and was surprised to find himself in her living quarters. She was fast asleep in her bed. Sirius said her name startling her awake. AS she stared at him slightly shocked Sirius briefly explained in a jumbled mass of words. She almost got a few words before hurrying out while tugging on her dressing gown. When she saw James lying in the bed with blood soaking into the bed clothes she gasped. Without waiting for further explanation she swiftly pulled out her wand and began murmuring a slow spell. Whitish-silver mist formed around James body as Madam Pomfrey intoned the spell that sounded more like a quiet melody. Glints of light danced in the mist and ten seemed to concentrate themselves around the injuries James had.

Minutes passed and slowly the bleeding lessened and stopped , Madam Pomfrey released the spell and the mist evaporated, James breathing was less laboured but his face was still deadly pale. Madam Pomfrey turned to Sirius and Peter and said one word. "Explain"

Sirius swallowed sharply then quickly spun a lie about sneaking into the forest ad being attacked. He said the name of the first animal that came to mind and winced inwardly when he saw Madam Pomfrey's disbelieving expression. When he finished the story , Madam Pomfrey examined him noting the injury to his shoulder and then asked. " And Black you expect me to believe what you just told me?"

Sirius mouth was dry at the shrewdness in her tone but all he could do was mutter. "It's the truth."

Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips clearly debating something . Then asked. "Were-were you anywhere near the Whomping willow? Was something roaming the castle grounds?" Sirius knew what she suspected, but he pretended not to know why she was asking the question. "We walked near the willow and the branches scratched us up but there was nothing on the grounds. I told you what happened."

Madam Pomfrey appeared to be about to speak again, but at that moment James groaned and they all turned to find him opening his eyes. He stared around in shock before his eyes locked on Sirius. "What—what am I doing here? I told you I—" Sirius shook his head quickly cutting off James words. James noticed the woman standing there and fell silent.

The communication between the two boys wasn't missed. Madam Pomfrey crisply said "The headmaster will be notified of what the three of you have been up to." She left the three boys alone and walked to a small cauldron boiling over a blue-flamed fire and began preparing a potion.

When she was out of hearing range , James whispered. "What did you tell her?"

Sirius shrugged then winced as the movement pulled at his shoulder. " I said we were in the forest and we were attacked." He paused then said . "I think she think she thought at first it might have been Moony though."

"I'd rather spend the next year in detention than have her find out what happened. I bet you if she knew they'd expel him. We should have been more careful."

Sirius nodded and was about to speak, but was cut off by Peter. "Be more careful? He's dangerous. Remus should be expelled. He nearly killed us ."

Sirius and James both said simultaneously. "Shut up!"

Peter scowled defiantly and muttered. "I'm not too much of a git to admit Remus is dangerous and should—"

Sirius moved towards the smaller boy before he could reach him , Madam Pomfrey reappeared with a smoking goblet. Peter fell silent in her presence as he saw the evil glare the other boy was sending him. Madam Pomfrey gave James the gobletful of potion to drink. Then she treated Sirius' injuries and sent Peter back to his dormitory. Under Madam Pomfrey's watchful eye the two boys remaining in the infirmary settled down to sleep.

~~~0~~~

A day later James and Sirius convinced Madam Pomfrey to let them leave. Either that or she was tired of the numerous students that had come to visit them while they were in the infirmary. They had already talked with the headmaster and each had two months worth detention, letters that were being sent to their parents and fifty points apiece lost for Gryffindor. Neither particularly cared about the punishments. They were more interested in how Remus was faring in their absence. They congregated in the Gryffindor common room, ignoring the odd looks other students were giving them. Most of the students in Hogwarts had heard about their late night escapades and were severely disappointed that the tale wasn't forthcoming. The lack of a story had only added fuel to the gossip. The latest rumour was they had fought a twenty-foot giant and stopped a horde of centaurs from attacking the castle.

James ignored a girl as she tried to ask him a question about what had happened. He didn't want to talk about what had happened . If he was honest with himself he was still terrified as he thought of how close he had come to dying that night. Apparently Remus had not only laid open his side and thigh but he had broken several ribs. When James had partially transformed (due to the side-effects of Severus' spell), the fractured ribs had punctured his lungs.

James couldn't entirely fault Remus for what he had done, but Peter's words were beginning to seem more valid. Maybe it wasn't safe to have Remus at Hogwarts. If he ever made it out the tunnel below the Whomping Willow while he was transformed tens of children could be bitten or killed. James shivered thinking of what he had seen Remus—The werewolf—do to the fawn and imagined him doing the same thing to one of the first-years or second-years. And James couldn't stop thinking about how close he had been not only to dying but to being made a werewolf-if Remus had bitten him instead of slashing him then right now James would still be in the infirmary probably in 's as his body slowly , painfully was changed by the curse. And around this same time next month, he wouldn't be running with Sirius or Peter, he would be the one locked away in the shrieking shack alone and crazed. James shuddered at the image.

Sirius noticed the expression on James face and asked knowingly. "You're thinking about Remus?"

James nodded. Sirius sighed and then spoke. "I don't care whether he's dangerous or not. Most of the time we have him under control, things got a little out of control because of Snivellus spell and that idiot boy with that Crup. Sirius continued as James didn't look reassured. " James if any one of us was in the same position as Moony , he wouldn't even think of doing what Peter had suggested. You know he wouldn't."

James felt guilty as he thought about Remus. He glanced at Sirius and said. "You're right."

"I know I am. We're Remus friends. The only one's he's got. We should be there for him."

~~~0~~~

That night Peter, Sirius, and James made their cautious way down the tunnel leading to the shrieking shack. The wolf was standing at their approach. Remus had fared poorly in their absence. The werewolf surged forward when they came; its eyes were even wilder. Tufts of fur were missing, fresh blood adorned the Shrieking Shack's walls, and the werewolf had gashes marring its body. The creature didn't seem to recognise them and even as he tried to subdue the beast Sirius was silently apologizing to Remus for leaving him alone... alone to destroy himself because they were afraid.

Sirius was forced to inflict several more superficial wounds on the werewolf before it retreated. Then they were able to take it out for a walk, this time the trip was uneventful and they got back to the shrieking shack just as the sun was beginning to rise. As the first ray of sunlight hit the werewolf it began to change, they quickly followed suit and finished before the creature did. They watched in silences as the werewolf's howls changed to moans and the greyish fur on its limbs became pink flesh. The transformation ended with a gasping boy lying huddled on the floor trembling in place of the writhing werewolf.

~~~0~~~

Remus lay on the floor and let the cool floor boards soothe his body. He was vaguely aware that he was himself—human again. But that fact seemed almost unimportant compared to his pounding head or the shooting pain he still felt gnawing at his limbs. As something tickled his face and he felt a bead of blood slide down his face, he became aware he was lying in a sticky mixture of his blood and other body fluids.

He groaned and struggled to pull himself up. His limbs trembled and refused to obey his commands. He tried again without success and the aftermath of moving was agony. A whimper escaped from between his clenched teeth.

A rustling movement was to his left and he felt hands touch him. The contact almost made him cry out. After every transformation his entire body was hypersensitive for hours. He wrenched his eyes open and cried out as the grip tightened slightly.

He heard a voice say. "Remus?"

Remus stared out with blurry vision and saw somebody kneeling next to him. His vision cleared slowly to reveal Sirius crouched next to him. James was standing uncertainly a few feet away and Peter was sitting on the floor still in his rat form.

"Sirius." Remus whispered with parched, cracked lips.

"Come on mate." Sirius muttered as he helped him sit up. When he was able to hold himself up, Sirius slowly tugged him to his feet.

Remus was trembling. He was aware of how vulnerable he was—how weak he was, as he standing there nude, barely able to hold himself up and with no idea of what he had done or what had happened over the past few days. He avoided his friends' eyes. He couldn't help feeling ashamed.

Lycanthropy had never been a choice he had control over, but he couldn't help but feel ashamed at his own weakness. He couldn't help feeling ashamed at his inability to control the wolf or retain his own mind. He was grateful Sirius was silent as they crossed the creaky floorboards and he leaned heavily against the other boy's shoulder trying to walk. Remus dropped onto the rickety bed. He watched as Sirius retrieved his clothes and then silently passed them to him, before turning around while he redressed.

Remus painfully tugged his clothes on and then finally turned his eyes up to meet the other's gaze. "What happened?" He whispered in a hoarse voice, wincing at his sore throat. It was the same question he had asked after every transformation. It was the question he had dreaded hearing the answer to.

"Nothing much, same-old, same-old. " Sirius said grinning, but the automatic expression seemed false.

Remus frowned sensing the levity in his friend's tone was fake. James said. "It was fine Moony—we ran into a little trouble—but it was okay." Remus noticed that the expression on James face was one of fear and that he didn't hold his gaze as he spoke.

Peter interjected. "Yeah, if you call going after that kid and -" He broke off as Sirius shot him an evil glare. But it was too late, Remus had already heard.

"What's Peter talking about?" Remus asked.

"Nothing Moony, don't worry yourself about it. It's not important." James quickly said.

"No, what happened?". Remus asked again. His heart was hammering in his chest

""Nothing, I-" Sirius was cut off by an angry yell.

"It's not bloody nothing! Him almost killing us and attacking that little boy, is not nothing!" Peter was bright red as he pointed an accusing finger at Lupin. "He is dangerous. He—"

"Shut the hell up!" Sirius roared. Peter fell silent, eyeing Sirius nervously. James moved forward and placed a hand on Sirius shoulder stopping him from drawing his wand.

"Did-did I " Remus paused and swallowed before continuing. "Did I bite somebody?"

"No...You didn't Remus ,Wormtail is being a git." James said.

Sirius quickly added. "Yeah, he's just exaggerating. You got a little exuberant with me and Prongs and you scared this kid from Hogsmeade but that's all."

Remus stared at them in silence wondering whether they were telling the truth and whether they would tell him the truth. Finally he asked. "I didn't bite him though?"

"No you didn't." Sirius answered.

There was silence, and then Remus asked. "And that's all that happened."

"Yeah, mate." Sirius said with a straight face.

Seconds passed before James said. "It's light; we'd better get back to the castle."

Remus nodded and watched as his friends left and then he was alone. He waited in silence as the light streaming through the cracks in the boarded up windows lengthened. He stared at his hands and noticed all the new marks covering his pale skin. Pain still coursed through his body and he shuddered as he thought of passing the curse onto someone else. He felt guilty for being at Hogwarts where he was a constant danger to everybody else. Peter was right and Remus couldn't blame him for being afraid...it was normal to be afraid of a monster. It was normal to want to stay away from something that wouldn't hesitate to kill you... it wasn't normal to be the one who was responsible for the fear.

"Are you okay dear?"

Remus raised his head recognizing Madam Pomfrey's voice. He nodded as was expected, but he knew it would be days before he felt truly okay. And it would be days after that before he could finally manage to shake all the after effects of his transformation. And when he finally felt normal again—when he finally felt human. It would all happen again. His very mind and body would be torn away.

He tried to stand and nearly fell, but Madam Pomfrey's arm quickly slipped around his back as she allowed him to lean against her. They slowly walked back through the tunnel to the castle, slipping in unnoticed through a side entrance. Remus listened to the early-morning sounds of the other children as he walked unseen to the deserted infirmary. He wished he could join them, he wished he had awoken well rested ready for another day, not awoken from a nightmare with a body broken and battered by the beast that was himself. He was grateful the way to the infirmary was deserted and he was sad. The effort of hiding who he was day after day, was sometimes more taxing than the years he had spent isolated as his parents strove to hide his condition from other people.

Madam Pomfrey moved gracefully around the infirmary deftly setting up items on a tray. Remus set on the edge of a bed and watched her. When Madam Pomfrey had laden the tray she came back to Remus and set down a large basin of wash water and a fresh set of clothes. She drew the curtains around his bed and he slowly cleaned up and then laid down.

Madam Pomfrey came back and tidied up then tucked his blankets up around him and fluffed his pillows. He didn't bother to protest his ministrations, he was too tired and it felt nice that someone cared about him.

"Thank you." He whispered.

"Of course Remus." Madam Pomfrey replied as she began applying a salve to the injuries he had inflicted on himself as a werewolf. Once or twice he saw her fingers falter over a particularly deep or large gash. But he could have sworn that as she touched where he had bitten his own arm open , that while a tear dripped down her face, her expression was twisted in disgust and horror. He didn't miss the way she turned away or finished as quickly as she could without looking at him.

Madam Pomfrey began speaking distractedly as she tended his injuries. "You're a smart young man, Remus. James and Sirius are up to no good. A night or so ago both of them turned up here. They–they looked like something had attacked them." She glanced at Remus but missed the horrified expression as she continued. "James was in pretty bad shape, his side was sliced up and Sirius was little better off. "

Remus asked as Madam Pomfrey began bandaging his arm. "Did they say what had happened? Were-were they attacked by me?" He couldn't keep the revulsion out of his voice as he thought maybe he had attacked his own friends.

Madam Pomfrey met his eyes. "Oh no dear, it can't have possible been you. At first I thought it–" She paused and glanced down. Remus knew what she had been about to say At first I thought it might be you. Pomfrey continued. "Anyway, they would have symptoms by now and we've taken precautions to keep everyone safe. "

Precautions that I've allowed to be circumvented. Remus thought. Numerous scenarios flashed through his mind. What was to stop him from one day escaping the Shrieking Shack and either savaging Hogsmeade or coming onto the school grounds and possibly killing people or worse passing on the curse? What would he do if he ever woke up to find he had attacked someone? Remus knew he wasn't safe to be around. He had been so happy to have friends ... to have a chance at a normal life , that he had allowed James and Sirius to persuade him ignoring what he was. He had put the entire school in danger because he wasn't safe. He was a monster.

He forced his mind back as Madam Pomfrey said. "Anyway, do you know what lie James and Sirius told me about what attacked them?"

Remus shook his head.

"They said of all things, it was a unicorn."

He couldn't help it, even though he felt awful physically and mentally, he laughed. The sound echoed in the infirmary then, Madam Pomfrey's gentle chuckle joined along. Remus could imagine James and Sirius earnestly repeating the obvious lie with a straight face.

When the laughter died down, Madam Pomfrey frowned slightly and then hesitated before speaking. " Remus I know you won't want to hear this, but those boys are nothing but trouble. They're not anybody's friends but friends of each other and if they ever find out about you. Do you know what they might do? Sirius family is—well there not right and James is pureblood and everybody knows his family doesn't like half-breeds."

Remus nodded at her words but they cut into him. A half-breed was that what he was now? Even Madam Pomfrey was finally showing what she thought of him, and she wasn't intentionally being mean. He realised that was how it was, there was no way he could ever be truly accepted. He was silent as Madam Pomfrey ruffled his hair and said "I just don't want something to happen to you that can be prevented–Now" She briskly continued. "When you wake up we'll try for something to eat. Yes?"

She had already stood up and was moving away but Remus called out—he had to know. "Do" He paused wondering should he ask the question and did he want to know the answer. He swallowed sharply and locked his gaze with her. "Do you think I'm a monster?"

"Of—of course not, Remus. Whatever gave you that impression—I -" Remus saw the hesitation in her eyes but any further protest were cut off by another voice.

"Poppy, If you don't mind I'd like a moment with Mr. Lupin."

Madam Pomfrey quickly twirled around and gasped out. "Oh my, headmaster you gave me quite a fright."

"But you'll live I trust."

"Of-of course."

"The moment then Poppy."

"Yes, headmaster, but please be brief he really needs his rest."

" Then I'll forgo the walk around the castle I was going to suggest we take." The headmaster said crisply, his eyes were twinkling under his half-moon glasses.

Madam Pomfrey appeared to hesitate then she swept away, leaving Remus and the headmaster alone. Remus stared up at the headmaster, Albus Dumbledore and felt quite intimidated. He swallowed sharply then asked. "You wished to speak with me sir?"

"Remus, we've talked to each other enough that I think we can dispense with the formalities. They muddle a conversation—wouldn't you agree?" Dumbledore said.

Remus nodded. Dumbledore continued. "I came to see how you're fairing Remus."

"I'm fine headmaster."

"You know words can be so subjective, to one person they mean one thing but to another person they mean something different entirely."

Remus turned away; he didn't like the way Dumbledore was watching him. Silence stretched before Dumbledore said quietly. "Is there something you wanted to tell me?"

He hadn't decided until, moments ago and he wondered how Dumbledore knew. Then he wondered whether he was just being paranoid. "I'm leaving Hogwarts." He glanced at Dumbledore to see how he would react. The headmaster didn't speak. Remus continued "As soon as I'm better I'm going back home for good."

Remus waited for Dumbledore to try to dissuade him. When he didn't say anything, Remus finally asked. "Aren't you going to say something about it to me sir? Something clever, like you always do, that makes everybody else feel like they're stupid and you're the only intelligent person? Aren't you going to try to persuade me to stay and that everything I'm saying is stupid?" Dumbledore didn't speak but continued watching Remus serenely. The expression on the headmasters' face angered the boy. Remus continued." But I want you to know I'm not stupid. I want to stay at Hogwarts. I do. I like actually having a bit of a normal life. I like not hiding every day. I like having friends but I can't stay—I can't!" His voice had been calm when it started but now it was angry and yelling. He sat back and panted, realising he had just screamed at the headmaster and insulted him, but he was still angry.

He was angry Dumbledore had ever let him come to school. He was angry the headmaster had ever given him a glimpse of life and now he would be forced back into hiding and it would be all the worse because now he knew what it was like to have friends and not be alone, now he knew what it was like to be happy and to laugh, and now his months weren't marked only by painful transformations but also by pranks, Quidditch matches, studying, other people...by memories—happy memories.

Dumbledore was calm as he said quietly. " If you feel you must leave Remus I won't stop you but it seems you've just listed all the reasons for staying at Hogwarts and given me no reasons for your impending departure."

The headmaster's words angered Remus more. He wanted to hurt Dumbledore he wanted to kill him. He screamed and it was more a roar. He was panting and then he felt it happening. He glanced down and saw his body staring to change. His hands were elongating, fur was sprouting and pain was surging through his body. He felt his bones beginning to break and reform; with a massive force of will he halted the transformation. The pain was incredible; ignoring the urge to transform was almost unbearable, finally he got himself under control and stared down at his now trembling human hands. He had difficulty controlling the anger surging through him, it was like that after every transformation, like at the slightest provocation the wolf's mind and body was waiting to be unleashed again.

He raised his arms where he had slashed himself during his earlier transformations. Dumbledore was staring at him, with something quite close to pity in his eyes. Remus yelled and he felt tears running down his cheeks. "I'm a f—king monster that's why! I'm a monster.I could kill you, I could kill anybody in this castle and I'm supposed to walk around like I'm a human? I'm a freak! I should be locked up; you should have me locked up. I'm leaving before I give this to someone else...I couldn't live if I ever turned somebody into this...I can't let anyone else become like me—I can't."

He dropped his hands into his lap and whispered. "Don't you see I'm a monster?"

It was quiet then Dumbledore spoke. " Remus." He waited until the boy looked up before continuing. "You're not the only one who has a dark side of them that they struggle to keep secret from others. You're not the only one who can become a monster. You, Remus I must say manage to control your other half very well...so much better than others. And for one so young-it was a pity I couldn't have had your self-control at your age—a grave pity..."

Remus stared at Dumbledore. The headmaster eyes were glazed like he was staring into the past. After a second Dumbledore gave a jerk and continued solemnly. "There's no need for you to leave, not until you've given up. As long as you continue to fight the darkness, as long as you seek the light you're still human...more human than many will ever be."

"But you don't understand. I could make somebody like me or... I could kill someone."

"As could I Remus, I choose not to. I'll hope you'll do the same." Dumbledore's tone was humorous and yet grave.

Remus was quiet. Dumbledore continued. "It's wrong for you to hide away, just because of what you are. You have no reason to be locked away any more than I or anyone else does. Tell me child are any of your sins so grave that you regret them every second of your life? Have you ever destroyed something you love by your own hand and every day you miss them?"

Remus was startled but he shook his head. Dumbledore was silent and stared out the window for several minutes. Remus watched quietly then ventured to ask. "Did that happen to someone you know sir?"

Dumbledore turned to look at Remus and for a moment he saw an expression of misery cross the headmaster's face , then he said. "Yes, it did Remus" Dumbledore was quiet again then abruptly he cleared his throat and turned to stare directly into Remus eyes. "Yes, You are different than others but you have friends, you have a chance at a life, please take it... Most of us are only granted one." The was a long ause in which minutes passed then abruptly,Dumbledore stood up and asked calmly. "I suspect that when you're well enough I'll see you back at classes and not have to call a carriage to ride you to the train correct?"

There was a long pause in which Remus stared at Dumbledore. Finally Remus nodded and whispered. "Yes."

Dumbledore, said. "Get some rest Remus."

Before the headmaster could leave the infirmary, Remus said softly, "can ask a question?"

Dumbledore sighed and turned around. "Why does every time somebody asks that question they never realise obviously the permission wasn't needed because they've already done what they asked for? " He added. "But yes you may."

"Do you think I'm a monster?

Dumbledore didn't speak for almost a minute when he did the words were almost inaudible "Almost everybody is at some point or another. But the one difference between them and you is...some never become human again" Then he walked away.

Remus settled back on his pillows watching Dumbledore leave and thought about the headmaster's words.

Last Update! There will be no more updates for this story. Thanks to all who read and reviewed, and if you have any comments feel free to leave them. Questions for this chapter: Was Dumbledore IC? How did you like Remus? Any favourite parts for this story? Thanks to all who read and reviewed! And all my followers , and I have another HP fic coming up when I get some time. it's an AU, in which Voldemort wins and the war still rages on.

If anybody's interested some of the inspiration for this story came from Monster by Skillet, there a great band.