Chapter 11

The word was around the deferral building in a couple of hours after Diana and the tam returned from their first stakeout. No one knew the particulars, but they were glad to hear Neal was alive. They were eager to get him back to the bureau and get things back to normal.

Neal walked back into the bureau a few days after showing up at Peter's house. Peter had set things up for him to have a complete physical and for him to see the bureau's counselor for, at least, one meeting.

"Glad you're back, Caffrey. Good to see you, Caffrey." He had been told this over and over since he had walked in the door, usually followed by a slap on the back or a handshake. He had even gotten a few hugs.

Neal stopped when he noticed his deak. It was covered with cards and gifts. He and Peter stopped and Neal picked up a card or two and read it.

"Missed you? Glad you're feeling better?" Neal said after reading a couple of cards.

"I'm just guessing here…" Peter replied. "…but I don't think that there is a 'Back From The Dead' section in the card aisle."

Diana spoke up. "Don't think Hallmark makes those." She looked pointedly at Neal. "He's ready for you." She pointed up to Hughes's office.

Neal sighed. "Why do I feel like I'm headed to the Inquisition?"

"Just tell the truth, Neal. You did nothing wrong." Peter replied.

"…for once." Neal sighed, and then headed up the stairs straightening his tie.

Both Diana and Peter chuckled, having heard Neal's comment.

WC WC WC WC WC

Hughes had Neal take a seat in the chair in front of his desk. He then invited Peter, who had followed Neal up, to take the chair beside him.

"This is not going to be an interrogation, Neal. I just need to tell us what happened during the 6 months you were gone. There's no pressure, here. We just want you to talk. We'll transcribe everything later and make a report, which you will read and sign off on." Hughes explained.

Neal nodded.

"Okay, let's get started." Hughes replied. He pushed play on the recorder.

Neal began to talk. "The force of Hogan's bullet knocked me backwards. I remember stumbling back a little. I didn't realize I had been so close to the edge, until I felt myself falling. I don't recall hitting the water. And I don't remember swimming. I just remember dragging myself out onto the riverbank. The next thing I remember was waking up in a clinic. The patched me up, and they did a good job, considering. The bullet went through my shoulder. I had an entrance wound and an exit wound. I think the fact that the water I had been in was so cold, that's what saved my life. They had the hardest time getting me warmed up. I was covered in blankets and sweating when I opened my eyes."

Neal paused. "They were talking about sending me to the hospital. I couldn't let that happen. I needed to know who had shot me and why. I was terrified I would be a sitting duck in the hospital. I…when the nurse asked me my name, I knew I was in trouble. I didn't realize, until then, that I had no idea who I was. I came up with a name quickly though. Jay came from the first initial of my nurse's first name, Jackie. Sterling came from all the packages lying around with the word 'sterile' on them. From then on I was Jay Sterling. And I had to make a life for myself." That was Neal-speak for saying he had to forge documents. Namely, as the bureau had discovered, Neal had created a driver's license and a birth certificate.

"I gave myself a history. I told everybody that I was born and raised in St. Louis, Missouri. I had 2 siblings and a mother, still living. And that I was only close to my sister, Lori. So, anyway, I left the clinic. I told them I didn't want to go to the hospital. I told them that I didn't need to go to the hospital. I really did, I knew I did. But I was…I didn't know who I was. How would I be able to recognize the person who shot me if they came after me again? So I just left." Neal paused again. "I started walking. I came to this motel. The desk clerk took pity on me. He thought I was a just a drunk who needed to sleep it off. And he felt sorry for me. He offered me a room for the night, with the promise that I would play him back in a week. I didn't have any money, and I think he knew that. I took him up on his offer. I never told him anything to make him believe any different from his initial impression. But he guessed there was something else going on. He let me stay. He could tell I had injured my shoulder and to help me out to pay for my stay,e let me watch the front desk sometimes. He told me about Allied Parcel and that they were hiring. That was about 2 weeks after I had come to live at the motel. The clerk said the company was a reputable one. But they didn't ask a lot of questions. He said as long as I did my job and didn't steal anything, I would be fine. So I talked to the manager and he hired me on the spot. I worked my way up to driver in about 4 months.

Neal sighed. "I still didn't remember anything, but part of me was coming through. I sketched during that time. I hustled pool. And I…" Neal stopped himself. He was about to say he sang and played the guitar. But those were things he liked to do, just for him. "…I just worked. I would look at the news, every night though, and I wondered why no one was looking for me. I would stare into the mirror and try to make myself remember who I was. It didn't work, nothing worked. I started to think that it would never happen. I started to think that I would have to go through the rest of my life not knowing…me. I tried to get used to the idea of knowing nothing about what had happened the first thirty-some odd years of my life. I, mostly though, tried not to think about it. I tried to think about moving into a better apartment. I started to think about advancing in the job. I…I didn't have anything else."

Neal looked at Peter. "Then my supervisor called me into his office one day, and Peter was sitting there. Peter said he was looking for Neal Caffrey. I had no idea who Neal Caffrey was. And when Peter gave me his card, I just pocketed it. When I got back to my room, after work that day, I looked at it. That was when I noticed what he had written on the back, When you remember, Call Me! It kind of scared me. I thought, at first, since Peter hadn't arrested me, on the spot, that I was okay. I wasn't in trouble. But then I started thinking, if that was the case, then why did this agent still want to talk to me? And what did he want me to remember? I just…I had no clue what to make of it. Then I realized that maybe he did know me. Maybe he could tell me what I needed to know. And I was desperate for something, anything that would let me know who I was and what had happened to me, anything…at all. I decided to take a chance. Then I noticed the van…stalking me. I decided to just get it over with. If I was guilty of something, then they could just arrest me. But I needed to know…something. I talked to Diana who then gave me Peter's address. I didn't know what to do then. I got that I, that Neal, meant something to them by the way she talked to me. I was just so shocked she gave me the agent's address. I thought, in all honesty, it could be a trap. I just...I needed to know. I took the short walk to the house and knocked on the door." Neal grinned at the memory. "I think I scared the hell out of Elizabeth. I thought that she was going to faint there for a second or two when she saw me. She got herself together quickly. And she called Peter to the door. They both then just stared at me. But I…I was staring at Elizabeth. She was…I was remembering things. They were coming at me quickly, the way you see a movie preview on the screen. I recognized the flashes. I remembered who I was. There are still gaps. It's like putting together a jigsaw puzzle and realizing you don't have a few of the pieces. I'm getting things still, little flashes. And they are coming less frequent." Neal sighed. "I want to continue to improve. I want to continue to remember, whatever it takes until I can come back and do my job here, with the FBI."

Neal looked at Reese. "I want to come back. I want to be here. I…not remembering all that time, it was…it's made me appreciate what I have here. I can't possibly explain what it was like, walking around, feeling like a non-person. I mean, I had no past. I didn't have anything but the past few months. I was lying to everybody I knew, just so I could appear normal. I had everybody convinced I was Jay Sterling from St. Louis, only I had no idea who Jay was. And I just…I lived and I worked and I hoped that, one day, it would all come back. I hoped that…my life…whatever it was, would just come back to me. I didn't care what it was. I didn't care what I had done to get to where I was. I just…I just wanted, I needed to know."

Neal stopped at that point. He put his head in his hands, trying to hide his emotions.

Reese and Peter looked at one another. Reese turned off the recording and he and Peter stood and left the room. Reese waited until he had closed the door before he spoke.

"We need to make sure that Caffrey is okay. If he needs to talk to someone to…to sort through all this, I want you to make that happen." Reese stated.

Peter nodded. "I already made him an appointment with our in-house counselor, and I have him scheduled for a physical."

"Good." Reese replied. "He's a good kid, Peter. Take care of him."

THE END