Author's Note: My first fanfic; I'm so excited! I promised myself when I first decided to write this one-shot that it wouldn't be an insert random number here and one, but then the creative juices started flowing and I now have a full blown story. There is a part in this that can be read as slash if you squint and turn your head sideways, but I didn't intend it that way. Reviews and respectful, constructive criticisms are welcome but not required. By the way, Giotto is not Cupcake and shall never be Cupcake; he was the original security chief but he only appeared in the TOS episode The Devil in the Dark. If you think he's cool, go check out bookdragon01's Tales of a Security Chief.

Four Times Bones Insulted Jim, and One Time He Was Too Happy To

1. Arrakis III

Captain James T. Kirk raced through the trees, slapping branches and ferns out of his way. Behind him, he could hear the sounds of phaser fire and the beating of the native creatures wings. Ahead of him, he could see Sulu and Hendorff weaving between plants.

Uninhabited my ass, Jim thought as he dodged a complex root system that he nearly tripped over. While looking at the ground so he wouldn't fall, he completely missed the low hanging branch. Just as he looked up, his head slammed into it with a resonating crack that made his vision blurry and his head pound. Right before the world went black, he saw something blue and feathery land next to him.

"And Sleeping Beauty awakes. . ." Kirk awoke to the sound of a familiar, if not slightly grumpier than usual, voice. The sickbay practically glowed with its sterile white color around him, blinding him and causing his mild headache to worsen.

"Hey, Bones," he said groggily, trying to sit up. He promptly abandoned that idea when the room started to spin. Jim grunted as he laid back down, covering his eyes with his forearm.

"Move your arm," Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy said, picking up his friend's arm gently, and setting it on the ground. Jim heard him rummaging around in what was probably his medkit. Then he felt a familiar stab of pain and heard the hiss of a hypospray.

"Ow, you asshole!" Jim shouted, grabbing his neck. He blindly slapped at Bones retreating hand, hoping to hit his target. Even as he did this, the pain in his head went from a relentless throbbing to a dull ache. When his head finally cleared, Jim sat up quickly and grabbed Jim's arm.

"Where are Sulu and Hendorff?" He said frantically.

"Their fine; Sulu had a bruise or two and Hendorff had a couple of cuts. They would have been in perfect health had you not been an unobservant, reckless, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants idiot," Bones said, packing up his bag.

"That's Captain Idiot to you," Jim called after him, giving his overprotective friend his best shit-eating grin.

2. Jim Finds Out He's Allergic to Seaweed

"Isn't this great, Bones?" Jim asked between bites of his dinner.

"First Contacts are always interesting, but what's so special about this one?" McCoy asked, trying to pick up his dinner with the weird, alien utensils and ultimately failing. They were down on some new planet with a name that no one but Spock could pronounce, and the usual diplomatic dinner was taking place. The head of the inhabitants, Ubratoo, watched Jim, fascinated by his conduct towards his subordinates.

"I believe the Captain is referring to the dish, similar in appearance and preparation to Earth's 'sushi' dish," Spock interjected, gracefully taking a bite of his meal.

"Never did like sushi; the thought of eating raw fish disgusts me." Oh, screw it, McCoy thought, picking up his food with his fingers and finally tasting his dinner.

"Yeah that's pretty good," he said between bites.

"Bones. . ." he heard Jim say.

"What?"

"Bones."

"What?!"

"Bones!" McCoy suddenly realized that was all Jim could say and that he was pointing at his throat frantically.

"I believe the Captain is allergic to something in this dish," Spock said, walking in an almost rushed manner towards his captain.

"No shit, Sherlock," Bones said sarcastically. Ignoring Spock's raised eyebrow, he dug through his field kit. After what seemed like forever, he found the one antihistamine Jim wasn't allergic to and jabbed it into his friends neck. Jim coughed and spluttered, taking in ragged, gasping breaths.

"Thanks, Bones," Kirk rasped.

"Only you could be allergic to seaweed, you medically challenged moron."

3. Annual Physical

"Computer, locate Kirk, Captain James T.," Dr. McCoy said.

"Captain Kirk is located on the recreation room one," the computerized voice answered.

"Wonderful," McCoy muttered, hitting the communicator button on his desk.

"McCoy to Giotto."

"Giotto here," a gruff voice responded.

"Could you do me a favor and get Jim in here; he's late for his annual physical. Again."

"Sure thing, Doctor. Where is he?"

"Rec room one." McCoy began gathering up hypos, sedatives, and an anti-grav gurney with restraints.

"That seems too easy," Giotto said over the comm.

"I know. Usually we need a security squad and a pack of bloodhounds to find him." Nurse Chapel walked by and McCoy snapped his fingers to get her attention.

Get biobed one set up for the Captain, he mouthed. She nodded and headed toward the bed; apparently an ensign had jokingly hung a PADD on the end that read: Property of Captain James T. Kirk.

"Meet you down there?" McCoy asked.

"Sure thing, Giotto out."

This is gonna be fun, a sarcastic voice in McCoy's head that sounded suspiciously like Jim said.

"Oh joy, now I'm hearing voices. Could this kid drive me anymore insane," Bones grumbled on his way out.

"Jim!" McCoy roared when he entered the rec room.

"Shit!" Giotto spun towards the direction of the voice that had called out the colorful language. Slowly, he swept his eyes over the room, searching for their infantile captain. Two nurses and two security officers scoured the area, looking under tables and behind furniture.

"Dammit, Jim if you don't come out, so help me God, I will hypo you with everything you aren't allergic to." The threat was met with complete and utter silence as crewmembers began slowly leaving the rec room. Finally, it was just McCoy, Giotto, the nurses, the security officers, and Spock.

"Where is he, Spock?" Bones asked.

"I do not know."

"Did he order you to say that?" McCoy glared at him, hoping to get a reaction, but Spock just blinked at him.

"Look, when it comes to the crews health, my orders outrank the Captain's," Bones said slowly. "On the premise that regulations specifically state that all crew members must get an annual physical, I order you to tell me where he is."

Spock thought for a moment, then deadpanned, "The Captain is under the checkers table." A blur of gold and a rush of wind passed McCoy's face, and Bones thought Jim had gotten away. Until, that is, Giotto grabbed Jim's wrist and twisted it around, locking his arm behind his back.

"Hey, Bones, how's it going?" Jim grinned, squirming profusely while trying to escape Giotto's iron grip.

"Don't be such an infant" McCoy said, grabbing Jim's shoulder and hauling his ass to sickbay.

4. Strange Orders

"Jim, they're a biohazard." McCoy's voice was muffled by the hazmat suit.

"But Bones, it's my favorite shirt," Jim whined. He had gone down to a planet for shore leave wearing his "Run Like You Stole Something" antique Nike shirt and, what a surprise, found someone to spend the night with. When he beamed back up, the decontamination scan picked up foreign, alien materials on the Captain's clothes. Bones had decided to order a quarantine, but was getting nowhere with Kirk.

"Jim, don't make me make it an order," McCoy threatened.

"You would do that?"

"Yes," the doctor said through gritted teeth.

"Do it," Jim said with a grin on his face.

"Jim, goddammit. . ." Bones warned. He was met with a wink and a smile. He finally lost it.

"Jim, I order you to take your goddamn clothes off!"

"Ooh, kinky, Bones. Now I know why you like using the restraints on the biobeds," Jim grinned, stripping down.

"You immature pervert."

+1. Joanna

"Daddy!" The loud sounds of a shuttlebay couldn't drown out that noise. Bones spun around, recognizing the voice of his daughter instantly. She ran towards him, arms open and face smiling. She was almost exactly as Leonard remembered her; curly brown hair, bright blue eyes, and a smile just like her dad's.

"Jo," he said, shock and surprise written all over his face. He squatted down and picked Joanna up in one fluid motion. Holding her tightly, he squeezed his eyes shut and just let the realization that he was holding his daughter again sink in.

"Mommy says I get to spend the week with you," she said with a bit of a lisp; her two front teeth had fallen out. Leonard nodded, but stayed quiet, wanting to live in that moment forever.

"Can I spend the week with you daddy?" Joanna asked when her father was silent.

"Absolutely, baby." McCoy turned to Jim and his ex-wife who were standing nearby. Jim had a honest to god smile on his face and Jocelyn looked wary. "How?"

"I figured that if I told your wonderful ex-wife that Spock, Uhura, you, and I, four mature and capable adults, were going to my mom's ranch in Iowa, then she might let Joanna come along." Jocelyn was smiling and nodding.

"Jim seems like a responsible young man, and with a Vulcan around, what could go wrong." Leonard tried not to laugh as Jocelyn squeezed Jim's while smiling up at him. After an uncomfortable looking Jim smiled back, Jocelyn walked over to McCoy and pat Joanna on the head.

"If you need anything, you have my comm. number. Be good for daddy, okay?" Joanna nodded exuberantly. Seemingly satisfied, Jocelyn walked off, swaying her hips slightly and 'nonchalantly' looked to see if Jim was watching. To her dismay, he wasn't; he was too enraptured with the sight of his best friend seeing his child again.

"Thank you, Jim. I don't know how, and I don't care, but thank you." Bones set Joanna down next to him and held her hand.

"Well, Bones, apparently my charm works on cold hearted exes, too." Jim said, smirking in a dangerous way.

"Bones?" Joanna asked looking up at her dad, confused.

"That's his nickname," Jim replied, "because he's an old bag of bones." Joanna giggled and poked McCoy while Leonard rolled his eyes and playfully slapped Jim on the arm.

"What, no comment about my childish tendencies and my annoying. . .ness?" Bones shook his head and hugged his baby girl again, giving Jim one of his rare smiles.

So, I wasn't too happy with the ending, but I did my best. Two things, one, I have no beta so any and all mistakes you see are mine, and two, characters, names, etc. belong to Paramount, Gene Roddenberry, and J. J. Abrams.