Title: I'm Alive

Author: Kayla

E-mail: [email protected]

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: B/S

DISTRIBUTION: Go ahead :) Just let me know where ur taking it.

Summary: Sometime after 'Afterlife' Buffy's dealing with her death, Spikes dealing with his being alive. Challenge response.. number 20

Disclaimer: Joss is a wonderful man, and made these characters so well that you can play with them. They aren't mine, I'm not trying to claim them. Ruby is mine though... I made her up haha.. Same with the demon. He's mine to.. Well he's not cuz he's dead.. but hey, :) They lyrics belong to Tiffany, and BBMak.

*AN* Means that I'm talking with Spike, it stands for Author's Notes. Wanted to have a conversation with our favorite Vampire to make with funnies and lighten the mood. What can I say.. I'm a funny girl! :)



@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@



"Your so ungrateful Slayer. I save your life and you go all off on me!" Spike said to Buffy angrily.



"The vampire had just got out of his grave. He didn't even have the chance to sit up yet!" Buffy told him as she sat on a headstone across from where he was kneeling on the ground amongst a pile of dust.



"He could've come after you. Anyway... one less nasty you have to worry about." Spike said standing up and brushing himself off.

"Right," Buffy slid off of the headstone and she and Spike walked toward her house. "Besides verbally fighting with you, and trying to convince everyone I'm fine, and all Mary Poppin's Happy, that's the only thing in my life. Plus, it's a way to vent without kicking a certain blonde vampire's ass"

"There are other ways" Spike said taking out a cigarette and putting it between his lips then went back into his pocket to get out his Zippo.

"W-what other ways?"

"Like," Spike lit the cigarette. " Right now, I'm on my way to your house to play Nintendo with the Nibblet."

"We have Nintendo?" Buffy asked.

"Uh, yeah. It's in your living room, pet. Big gray and black box with red lettering? You haven't seen it?"

"No, I don't notice much anymore." Buffy said spacing out.

"Understandable. The Wicca's are in there. If you want to sit out here on the back porch we could..." He let her finish the sentence. That's all they ever did, but the way he looked at it, this was his hope, his sunshine. His crumb. She was his friend. First one he had in a bloody 200 years. That's all he needed to be content. To share a secret with the Slayer. To make him welcome the sun.

Buffy silently walked to the back porch and sat on the top step. Spike followed and took a seat next to her. They sat there for several minutes, both comfortable. Glad the other was there. Both needing something from the other. Neither willing to put their feelings into words, holding on to what pride they had. Settling to be friends.

"Are they still acting strange around you?" Spike asked

"No, well except Anya. She just acts strange naturally" Buffy said and Spike smiled.

"I like that one. Straight and to the point."

"Something most people don't like" Buffy muttered good-naturedly.

"I'm not most people. And I'm not a people. I'm a thing." Spike said pulling his knees closer to his chest and circling his arms around them.

"Hey, hey! This isn't a Spike pity party we are having here!" Buffy said.

"Xander told me to look him in the eyes and tell him that I wasn't happy you were back." Spike said softly. Buffy looked at him waiting for him to continue.

"I couldn't, and not because I wasn't happy. I was so happy I coulda pissed myself. I can't look at any of them selfish bastards in the eyes and not think of what they did to you. I hate them. Every bleeding on of them."

"I hate them too," Buffy said. "For what they did to me. Why couldn't my death have been normal? You think you've fought your last fight..."

"Danced your last dance..."

"But I haven't," Buffy said quietly. "And they seem happy about it. La-dee- da. Buffy's back to save the damn day again. Don't I get to rest? Don't I get any say in this? My life so far has been planned out for me. I was the "Chosen one", the Slayer. My sister's memories were implanted in my mind. My gift was death from the get-go. Now it's been taken away. They took away my gift. I want it back.

"What about those of us who had no part in this? We didn't know. Are you gonna take yourself out of our lives again, because speaking on half of everyone on my side, I bloody well can't take anymore pain!" Spike almost shouted.

"You can't take anymore pain?!" Buffy asked" What about me? Does everyone always think of themselves? You're Mr. Inflictor-Of-Pain anyways. What would you know about it?"

"I know enough to cry when someone I love dies." Spike said standing up. "I saw it when Angelus and Dru took care of my family. I saw it when Darla took care of all my friends. And I saw pain when you died. Now...you tell me that I don't know what pain is!" Spike said through clenched teeth.

Buffy's chin trembled and her eyes started to water. "I'm sorry." She said, her voice shaking.

"Oh, pet!" Spike said gently, and took her by the hand and pulled her up to him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her as she put her head on his chest. Her hands found their way around his neck.

This was different. They have never hugged before outside of Will's mojo. It was very comforting to Buffy. It actually made Spike feel warm.

"I'm sorry" Buffy said again.

" 'Sokay. No harm done I supposed. But my offer still stands," Spike said and Buffy looked up at him. "I can lesson the load. I've got my bloody eyes on Red, Xander, and maybe the other Wicca too. She burnt me in the Winnebago."

"What about Giles?" She asked.

"Ah, let's keep Rupert. I kinda like the bloke, and he's smart."

"Nah. Chip remember!" Buffy said letting him go and they walked into the house together.



Chapter 2



"Spike! I was wondering when you were coming!" Dawn said jumping up from the couch when she saw Spike and Buffy walk into the living room.

"Told you I'd be here Platelet, and I am. Did you finish your homework?" he asked hugging her.

"Yes."

"Dawn!" Spike looked at her in disbelief.

"Fine. We have to write a report on the industrialization in Europe. I was thinking..." Dawn let the ending wander.

"..that I'd write it?" Spike picked up the ending as he sat in the chair. Buffy sat next to Dawn who sat back down on the couch.

"Well, yeah"

"Bloody hell no! I didn't even do homework when I went to school. I'm not doing yours."

"Spike please!" Dawn pouted.

"Nibblet, don't look like that!"

"Please..."

"Oh bloody hell. Fine, I'll do it" Spike said and Dawn smiled.

Spike!" Buffy scorned.

"Oh c'mon Slayer. Like you wouldn't have had me do your homework on Early Europe when you were in school."

"Oh, Buffy. It's just one assignment." Dawn said.

"Fine, fine. Do what you want. When you two are together, there's no arguing. Where's Tara and Willow?" Buffy asked standing up.

"They went to bed at 8"

"Ha! To bed!" Spike laughed.

"Spike!" Buffy paused at the kitchen doorway to give him a stern look. That just made Spike laugh harder.



@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@



"Ah! Nibblet! You beat me again!" Spike said putting the paddle down.

"Because I'm better than you. Four games and you lost everyone of them." Dawn smiled victoriously.

"It's cuz I had to be bloody Luigi. Everyone knows Luigi sucks!" Spike whined playfully.

"Dawn. Bed." Buffy said walking back into the living room. She cleaned the kitchen while the two "children" played.

Dawn kissed Buffy and hugged Spike. He kissed her forehead and then she headed upstairs.

"Got paper?" Spike asked Buffy.

"Yeah, out in the dinning room" Buffy said walking into the dinning room and Spike followed. He sat at the table and she gave him a pen and a pink notebook. He raised his eyebrows and the color and she shrugged.

"You really suck at that game you know?" Buffy said from the kitchen.

"Practice makes perfect, love." Spike answered as he started writing Dawns paper.



Chapter 3



"Finally!" Spike said sitting the pen down 4 pages of paper later. "God I hated homework!"

"Me too." Buffy sat a cup of hot chocolate and a handful of the baby marshmallows in front of Spike. He looked at her surprised but she was walking to the other side of the table and didn't notice.

"What was it like, digging out of your grave?" Buffy asked sitting down.

"I don't remember." Spike said as he added three marshmallows to his Chocolate and stirred it with the spoon.

"You just sat here and wrote a four page, front and back, essay on the industrialization of England, and you can't remember the day you were 'reborn'?" Buffy asked.

"Something's I try to forget."

"Then help me forget."

"It's not a story to tell at 'story- share -time', love."

"Please." Buffy pleaded.

"What is it with you Summers' women and them bleeding sad eyes?" Spike muttered. "Oh bloody hell alright." Spike gave in. He wasn't much on telling about himself. Thought he already did that once.

"Some idiot found me. Cecily's brother I think. I only know what Drusilla told me, and well, we all know she's a few rocks short of a rock band. So I can't be sure, but my adopted-father was waiting for me outside my grave. I didn't learn till later on in life that he knew the Slayer of our time. He wasn't a Watcher, more like a Scooby...Anyway, the Slayer told him what would happen and how he would have to kill me. So I dig like a maniac to get out. Trying to free myself, my new self, and find my dad waiting for me there... stake in hand. 'Dad', I say... then there's Dru, feasting on my poor old dad before he even knew what hit him. And there sat Poor William the Bloody, crying like a damn Poofter. I was new at the demon thing... When you first wake up, sometimes you aren't fully demon yet. Dru didn't laugh, oh but Angelus did. Laughed for a good 60 years after that. Dru just comforted me and told me I had a lot to learn." Spike finished lost in his own reminisces. He shook his head to clear it. "Did that help you?" He asked softly.

"Was it hard to breathe?" Buffy asked.

Spike wanted to make fun of her and tell her she's an idiot to think he could breathe, that he just been turned into a vampire, but he didn't have the heart. Even though she beat him to it. he never would've done that to her.

"Oh, you couldn't breathe. So you probably didn't have much of a panic attack." Buffy said taking a drink of her hot chocolate.

"I woke up and had no idea where I was for about 2 minutes. I had the 'panic attack'. "

"So you went through what I went through?" Buffy asked hopefully. Now feeling almost reassured that someone knew what she went through. Spike had treated her like normally. but if he had felt the same way.. he would know what she went through and they'd be closer than they already were.

"Except for the Heaven thing, I suppose so love" Spike smiled knowing she needed to hear it. It wasn't that similar in the slightest, but he wanted to calm her down.

"Do you ever regret being turned?" Buffy asked

"Ever since I met you." Spike said.

"Why?"

"Because that's why you don't love me. Maybe if I was human, you'd love me" Spike said stirring his hot chocolate, watching the semi-melted marshmallows spinning in circles, avoiding Buffy's eyes.

"I'm sorry." Buffy said. " I'm sorry I don't love you the way you'd like, but ... Spike, look at me." Buffy said softly.

He couldn't, she'd see the pain of rejection. She'd see his eyes filling with tears. Ever since she was gone, he'd cry. Now that she's back, he'd cry. His eyes have seen more tears in the past four months than they have ever in his whole entire existence.

"Spike" Buffy said coming and kneeling beside him. She took his hand and he turned so her elbows rested on his knees. He finally looked at her.

"You're a great friend. Right now, I'd much rather have you as a friend. I can't have a boyfriend right now. Maybe in the future." Buffy reached up and wiped a tear off his cheek. "Spike?"

"Sorry." He turned his head away. He was slightly embarrassed to be crying in front of her.

"Do you think I haven't cried?" She asked understanding him. "It's alright. Would you please tell me your okay with being my friend?" Buffy asked gently. Spike looked at her and shook his head yes.

"Good." She squeezed his hand and stood up. "You wanna dance?" Buffy asked

"Dance?"

"Yeah. Music. Moving. You know?"

"I know what dancing is. But why?"

"Because I want to."

"You're turning me into William y'know?" Spike said standing up and wiping the remaining tears away.

"I like William" Buffy said turning on the CD player and a slow song started. "And this slicked-back look," Buffy said walking towards him, "Isn't working for me." She finished by messing up his hair so is curled a little and was all over. Spike just gave her a sour look. "It looks better" Buffy said.

"Thanks" Spike replied gently as he pulled her close and Buffy put her arms around his neck and rested her head on his unrising chest.



*If there was no tomorrow

Then tonight would never end

If we could freeze the hands of time

I would stay here in your arms,

and not go back again....



Cause all I want,

is for you to hold me now

And we can make it through the night, together

All I need

is for you to show me how.

Cause nothing can stop this feeling of forever *

***Tiffany, Feelings of Forever***



Buffy looked up at Spike who had his eyes closed. He had tears falling down his smooth white skin again. It was odd to see him like this, but Buffy wasn't shocked. He'd been through so much for her; she was surprised he didn't break sooner. He was a vampire and could take things, yes. But she remembered what he'd done. Glory beat the shit out of him. Cut him. Broke his bones. He had been rejected by Buffy numerous times, and even de- invited from her house and told to leave. He looked after Dawn, and got nothing in return. He lost Drusilla once and for all. He fought to almost the death with her on the day she died. He tried to save Dawn for her, but Doc threw him off the tower. And it was so far down; she was surprised to see that he lived. And he stayed, kept his promise to her, and helped her friends when he got nothing in return. At that moment, she felt love. Love for the vampire. Love for the man whom her head was rested upon. Love for Spike.

"I can't do this." Spike said as he gently pushed her away.

"Can't do what?" Buffy asked puzzled.

"This" Spike gestured with his hands between her and him. "Being this close to you and I can't think straight."

Buffy felt like something had been taken away from her. "I though we were friends?" Buffy's lip trembled.

"Oh, Buffy," Spike said touching her chin. "I'll never let you get out of that one, love. But being this close. alone. makes me want to do things, friends don't do."

"I-I can't be more than a friend right now." Buffy turned her head. She couldn't look him in the eyes. She knew there'd be frustration, followed by pain. Then sadness.

"I know," he whispered. "I guess I'll be on my way now" He picked up his leather duster off of the back of the chair. "Uh, bye now." He said, awkwardly hugging her.

"Bye" Buffy whispered as he walked past her and out the door.



**Chapter Four**



"Buffy?" Willow asked as Buffy punched the bag in the training room of the Magic Box.

"Yeah?" Buffy asked giving it a good whack.

"Uh... th-this is Ruby. She's from one of the Wicca conventions Tara and I went to in New York over the summer. She's a very powerful witch. One of the best at the convention. She called us last week and asked if she could come and visit. She lives with a Wicca cult in Africa." Willow said with admiration of her fellow Wicca

*Great, another witch. just what we need!* Buffy thought. "Hi, um...welcome." Buffy forced a smile and held out her hand. She quickly drew it back when she noticed the white punching tape covering. "Sorry"

"No problem!" Ruby said cheerfully. She had jet-black hair and almost black eyes.

"Thank you for letting me crash at your house!" Ruby said.

"My house?" Buffy asked looking at Willow for answers.

"You-you were out last night and Ruby didn't have a place to go so I..." Willow stammered with the explanation.

"Will, it's alright. You can stay with us as long as you like Ru..."

She didn't get to finish her sentence because Spike burst through the back door with a blanket over himself, but smoking. He shrugged off the blanket and smiled. He was happy his entrance made such a splash. His eyes drifted over his admirers and his eyes stopped on Ruby.

"Now aren't you a pretty little bird." He walked over to her slowly.

"Ruby actually" Ruby said cheerfully holding a hand out for him to shake. Girl seems to be up with the shaking.

"Spike." He said staring at her with wonder on his face.

"Ooh, your hands are cold." Ruby giggled. Buffy already couldn't stand her. Is this what jealousy felt like? Couldn't be. Why the hell would she be jealous of Spike liking Ruby? That's just stupid. So why did she want to pounce on Ruby at that moment and kick her ass into the ground? She had no idea.

"He's a vampire." Willow stated.

"Oh"

"Spike, what'd you come down here for?" Buffy asked irritated.

"Oh, right." Spike said tearing his eyes away from Ruby. "Some demon that feeds on frogs. Was in the middle school yesterday having a feast with the dissection specimens." Spike explained as they all walked into the shopping area of the store.

"Giles, frog eating demon. At the middle school last night." Buffy recited to Giles.

"Already ahead of you." Giles said flipping through a book. Xander handed her the paper. It was on the front page. But it only said "someone" had broken in and "stole" the frogs.

@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@

"Found it!" Anya said. Giles went over and looked at the book she had.

"Rowlock Demon." Spike read looking over their shoulders.

It was 1:30 in the morning. They had been searching all day. Ruby, Tara, and Willow had already taken off and gone home. Giles, Buffy, Spike, Anya and Xander remained. Pizza boxes lay on the round table along with numerous books and cans of coke.

"Not much about him. He feeds on frogs and toads. He's green, and ugly. Been around for 1500 years." Anya recited from the book.

"Does it say how to kill it?" Spike asked sitting down at the table and grabbing a slice of pizza.

"Not, that's about all it says." Anya said as Buffy stared at Spike chomping away at the pizza.

"So, I'll go look for it."

"Spike, what did you eat today?" Buffy asked

"Uh... Pizza." He looked at his almost eaten pizza. "Why?"

"Hello! Vampire. Eats blood, not pizza. You haven't had any blood today."

"Wasn't craving any today either."

"Why not?" Giles asked.

"I 'ave no clue. Just didn't want any. Come to think of it... it makes me want to heave." He frowned.

"If this is your idea of a sick joke!" Xander said sternly.

"It's not a joke." Ruby walked into the shop.

Everyone stared at her.

"Care to tell us why love?" Spike asked. Buffy glared at her. she really didn't like her.

"I presume the spell has started." Ruby declared.

"What spell?" Giles asked.

"The one that turns him back to human." Ruby said. "No harm done really."

"No harm done!?" Spike yelled. "Bloody speak for yourself you stupid bint!"

"I thought I did you a favor!" Ruby's eyes turned black.

"Spiiiiike, I really wouldn't piss her off!" Xander warned.

"Ruby, let's go into the back and you can tell me how and what you did." Giles said calmly although he looked to Buffy like his neck veins were going to bust.

"So Fang breath, you won't be dead soon." Xander said trying to sound cheerful.

"Oh, send in the parade for bloody Spike!"

"I thought you would be happy." Anya said.

"So bleeding happy. Once the other vamps find I'm not so dead anymore, they'll kill me. Not to mention the council. I'm like a playground for them. God knows what they'll do if they find out. I'm nothing now. They'll take my ass back to the Mother Country. Just the bleeding life to lead i'nit?" He angrily got up and walked to the makeshift library up the stairs.



Chapter 5



"Is Ruby here?" Willow asked walking into the store.

"Yes." Buffy said harshly. She understood what Spike was saying. She silently went up the stairs to the library and sat down next to him.

"I understand what you said back there... but every cloud has a silver lining." she tried to make him feel better with the line that April had once used with her.

"I've lived over 120 years, Slayer. I doubt I'll ever live a hundred now." He said as the realization hit him. He never thought he'd be afraid and unwilling to die.

"Yeah, see that point too. Y'know the person you'll want to talk to is Anya. She delt with this. I'll get her." Spike opened his mouth to protest, but Buffy put her finger to his lips. "Spike, Anya will talk to you. She knows more about this than I do. Anyways, I thought after Ruby tells us everything, wouldn't it be nice to have a Ruby punching bag?" Buffy joked and Spike smiled at her lame attempt to make him feel better. Buffy patted his knee then went downstairs. Soon Anya came up and sat next to him. Spike felt foolish, like a young boy who saw his babysitter naked and didn't want to come out of hiding.

"Hard isn't it?" Anya asked

"Yeah, guess so." Spike answered feeling awkward talking to her.

"Spike, I'm pregnant."

"Your what!" Spike asked, his eyes wide like saucers.

"Pregnant. I know you heard me the first time. Nobody besides Xander and I know. I don't think you'll say anything."

"I won't, but what does this..."

"Have to do with the price of tea in china?" Anya finished. "Cute little American saying I picked up." Anya smiled. "Buffy said, and I quote: 'He's bummed out cuz he knows he's gonna die'" Spike nodded and smiled because he had no idea where this was going. "Well cheer up Spike!" Anya hugged him. "See, me being pregnant, I'm creating a whole new life. It's not fair, and I don't think anyone knows why we die, Spike. We just do. But you've got a long time yet. And there is so many good things to come. Like sex. Sex is very good! You should try it sometime!" Anya slapped his leg hard.

"Maybe I will." Spike said rubbing his leg.



@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@



"Buffy let her go!" They heard Giles yell from the training room.

Spike and Anya jumped up and after Spike helped Anya down the steps he bolted toward the room. He found her being held back by Xander. Willow was in front of Ruby and Giles stood between them..

"You bitch!!!" Buffy spat as she struggled against Xander. Spike almost felt sorry for the guy who held no super-strengths and could hardly hold the Slayer.

"Buffy, that's enough!" Giles yelled. Buffy stopped struggling against Xander.

"What happened?" Spike asked.

Buffy was going to say something but Giles silenced her by holding his hand up.

"Let's go into the shop and tell Spike about what we acquired." By the tone of his voice they knew Giles meant business so no one argued and they followed him out to the round table.



Chapter 6



"Alright Ruby, tell them what you did." Giles said sternly, still angry that the girl would disrupt someone like she did. Even if it was Spike. She had no right. And it wasn't like Spike was much of an enemy anymore, he was just as much part of their team now than anyone, and they should all feel anger towards the black haired girl sitting nervously before them. You mess with one Scooby; you might as well mess with them all.

"It was a simple spell really, that only a few witches know. Only the most powerful ones."

"Simple!" Buffy said angrily.

"Buffy." Giles warned and she said no more.

"The spell itself was simple, but the side effects are not." Ruby continued.

"What are they?" Spike asked not able to look at her. He couldn't. He was too angry with her. he might attempt to kill the stupid bitch if he did.

"The spell has not been thoroughly run yet. You might have to wait at least a day or two..."

"What are they!?" Spike demanded

"For about a month you will have dreams, about every night, or more about, your past. Things you did... about people you killed. Maybe even before you were turned, painful memories. There will also be pain for a good amount of time that you are awake. They will come whenever they want, for a month as well. The demon will try to surface once, and it won't be easy either, but it'll go away if you think about something else. That will be the signal that your torture is almost over. If you can last that long. And Willow told me about your chip before. It won't work anymore, not anymore." Ruby finished

"How often will he have these bouts of pain?" Xander wondered. Spike was surprised to find concern in his voice.

"I'm not certain." Ruby answered.

"Don't you think you should've been more certain or consulted with Spike before you did this. You know what. I don't like you. Your deceitful and mean...and... a bitch!!!" Anya said who sat beside Spike. She put a comforting arm around his shoulder. Buffy felt sorry for him. He looked like he wanted to rip Ruby's head off, his fist were clenched into tight little balls and turning white. They loosened a little when Anya put her arm around him, but he was still very angry. She couldn't blame him.

"I thought that's what he wanted!" Ruby said defending herself.

"Why would you think that?" Willow asked.

"I saw him and Buffy downstairs last night and he said that ever since he met her, he wanted to be human. So I fixed that." Buffy caught Spike blushing and she smiled. It was kinda cute.

"So it'll take a month for the spell to run it's "full course"? What is its "full course" exactly?" Xander asked.

"Breathing. Blood flowing. Heart beating. I will mail him a valid drivers license, social security, working papers, and a green card in the mail when it's complete."

"The spell works on the Feds too?" Tara asked.

"Well, not so much the spell working on the Feds... more like me working on the Feds. He must be legal, so I will make him legal. I have that power. More like a *poof* and he'll have the papers, and they will be legal."

"Does the pain happen before the process is-is complete?" Giles asked, making sure he had every bit of information he could get, so nothing would go wrong.

"Before. Then a few times after words. The demon will try to surface, making its final appearance, after. You should restrain him so he won't hurt himself or others." Ruby explained.

"Is there anything else we should know?" Giles asked.

"If the pain is so unbearable for him, there's a chance he could die."



Chapter 7



"Could you stop bloody talking like I'm not here, you anal bitch!" Spike yelled, causing everyone to jump because for the most part he'd been quiet, just listening. That took them by surprise, the sudden outburst.

"Sorry." Ruby said.

"No you're not. I'm going home." Spike got up and walked out the door. Buffy ran after him.

"Spike, stop!" Buffy said grabbing his arm and making him stop walking.

"What Slayer! What could you possibly say to make this reverse and everything be okay?" He asked, anger flickering through his eyes.

"How about fighting? That frog-eating demon is right behind you. It would make you feel better, although we don't know how to kill it." Buffy said, but Spike had already started wailing on the thing. It was ugly about 5'3", so not huge, but it was fat. And looking much like a frog itself.

Spike had it on the ground kicking the piss out of it. Green goo actually. Not piss. Buffy knew it was dead by it's not moving, but she knew Spike had to get his anger out somewhere. Finally he stopped and started walking towards the cemetery not saying anything.

"Spike." Buffy called. He turned around and glared at her. It was her fault he was like this. She had to ask him that question. He wanted to kill her. To shake her till her brain fell out. But one look at her small frame, wearing jogging pants and a tank top. Looking like he felt, but still somehow beautiful. He saw concern in her eyes and the anger in him subsided. Spike walked over to her and hugged her.

"I think it'll be okay once the month is over, love." Spike reassured her, and himself.

" I could kill her. You said you'd kill my friends for what they did. I'll kill her." Buffy offered.

"Nah, won't help remember." Buffy smiled. "Well, I've got to go and tie myself down or something. Again, I'm an endangerment." Spike said sadly letting go and Buffy grabbed his wrist.

"Stay at my house." She said.

"So you can chain me to your bathtub?" Spike asked.

"No. We won't even tie you up. You will stay in my room with someone."

"I want to be alone." He said stubbornly.

"Xander told me what happened in his basement when he left you alone. You almost killed yourself. It's not happening this time. No arguing. You shouldn't be alone. Now c'mon." Buffy pulled him back towards her house.



Chapter 8

Anya, being super cheery and the only one of the Scooby's who was really awake at 3 in the morning, got the watching duties first. Spike lay on Buffy's bed and Anya sat in a chair that they moved up there. Buffy, Xander, and Giles slept on the living room. Willow, Tara, and Dawn slept in their own beds. Spike wanted to sleep but Anya wouldn't stop talking.

"So, the girl found him in bed with another women and she called on me to drown him in the Red Sea." Anya told him a tale of when she was a Vengeance Demon.

"And you did it?" Spike asked rubbing his face with his hands to keep himself awake.

"Well, yes. That was my job, but not anymore. And I'm pregnant, so it wouldn't be to good with that either."

"Yeah, uh, congratulations with that." Spike said. He wasn't to good with the being nice to them yet. When he first started doing things with them, and for them, it was just to make Buffy realize that he was good. But now it was like second nature to him. A Scooby was in trouble; Spike would come and rescue them. During the summer Xander even tried to get him a construction job because he felt sorry for Spike. He wanted to get his mind off of Buffy's death. Like he would forget that. But they had almost become friends. Hell they were friends. Him, Giles, and Xander would sometimes just hang out at Buffy's house while Spike was there watching over Dawn. They'd drink a few beers... talk about the good old days. Things started to change, but he was still uneasy with the being nice.

"Thank you. Xander and I decided when we first found out that you and Buffy would be the God Parents."

"The what!?" Spike asked wide-awake.

"God Parents. Well, if anything were to go wrong with Xander and I, you and Buffy happen to be the strongest people we know. Why wouldn't we want you to watch over our child?" Anya asked.

"We aren't the Godliest of people, love."

"Oh, I know. But we can just lie and say you are." Anya smiled.

Spike couldn't help but laugh at the girl. She was always so serious when she said her air-headed points.

"Harris agreed to this?" Spike asked, slightly shocked, but slightly amused. Who would've thought Xander would trust him with his kid.

"Yeah, he was all for it actually..." Anya started.

"Ahn, you better leave!" Spike interrupted as he got a really bad headache. Being a vampire, he never got them unless he was hung over, so he knew something was up.

"Why?" Anya asked. "Sorry if I said something offending. Xander said I do that sometimes." Anya said making an apology.

"Not you. Please Anya! The pain's coming, and I don't wanna hurt you." He pleaded, as his headache got worse.

Anya darted out of the room and downstairs. She shook Buffy who slept on the couch.

"Huh?" Buffy asked tiredly sitting up.

"Spike's having pain." Anya said in a whisper. Buffy ran up the stairs and found Spike sitting on the bed, his hands tightly clenched around the white comforter and his eyes squeezed shut.

"Spike" Buffy said softly sitting on the side of the bed.

"Buffy, leave!" He said angrily.

"I'm not leaving you to hurt yourself."

"So stay and let me hurt you!" He spat back. It felt like something heavy slammed into both of his ribs and he cried out in pain.

"You won't. I'm the Slayer, remember." Buffy said and unhooked one of his hands from the comforter and folded into hers. "Squeeze my hand when it hurts." She said gently as she lightly rubbed his hand with her fingers.

"Fuck!" he yelled and squeezed her hand so hard Buffy flinched in pain herself.

"What does it feel like?" Buffy asked wanting to know what could hurt him so bad.

"Like some bastard stuck me out in the bloody sun to burn!" He squeezed her hand again.

"Need any help?" Xander asked appearing in the doorway?

Buffy shook her head no. "I think I can handle it." She smiled as Spike screamed in pain again and squeezed her hand harder.

The pain kept coming for 3 more hours and Buffy sat by him the whole time. Xander and Giles showed up time-to-time asking if they need anything. Nobody was hurt really, just poor Mr. Gordo's head was torn off.



Chapter 9



When Spike was finally asleep, Xander came in to relieve Buffy of her watching duties.

"What happened to your hand?" Xander whispered.

"He was squeezing it." Buffy said examining her hand. It had blood running down it from where her rings had cut into her skin. Spike's handprints were marked in deep pink and red. "Small price to pay." Buffy smiled weakly.

"Yeah." Xander smiled back as she walked out and closed the door behind her.

Xander sat in the chair and fell asleep. He woke by the sound of Spike screaming he was sorry.

"Hey! Fang breath!" Xander shook him and Spike's eyes flew open. "You okay?" Xander asked.

"Yeah. Sorry if I scared you." Spike sat up and Xander got back in the chair.

"Bad dream?" Xander asked. He had sort of, in his own Xander way, came to amends with this annoying vampire after Buffy died. Spike was the worst of all of them when she died. Locked himself in the crypt. Willow and Tara did a protection spell so he couldn't leave during the daytime, in case he wanted to dust himself. Once, when Dawn went over there, she secretly removed all the wooden pointy objects. The only person he would talk to for about a week was Dawn. Xander wanted to tell him to get over it, but none of them really could get over it, how could they tell him too? Xander also had thought about what he would've done if Anya had died. If the woman he loved more than life, had died that night. And what if he had gone up there and failed at saving Dawn like he had promised? How would he feel? Pretty damn miserable. So they didn't blame Spike, and wouldn't even talk about that night unless he, himself brought it up. One night he did bring up the fact that he should've saved Dawn and Buffy wouldn't have been dead if he did. Cried most of that night and drank himself silly, but they never talked about it again, and he never cried again in front of them.

"Do tell. It usually helps." Xander suggested.

"It was about 59 years ago. During World War 2. Over in Germany. Dru and I thought it would be a good laugh break into a concentration camp. It was towards the end of the war, so we did. The camp wasn't too big and we took everyone out in one night. Looking back, it was bloody sick. I can't believe we did that. Little kids clinging to their mums for dear life. Someone shoulda staked us then. Drusilla took care of Hitler at the end of the war. He was a right bastard! Brassed off at everyone and everything. Hated talking to him. He was madder than Drusilla" Spike said.

"Wait. Let me get this straight. You met Hitler? The 'Hitler'?" Xander asked dumbfounded.

"Unfortunately." Spike frowned. "Dru wanted to turn him, but that was to much psycho for us. I got to thinking, he'd drain everyone, and no one left for us... so what was the point? Couldn't have him runnin' amuck so she opted to drain him. Then complained he tasted gritty? What did she think? He was a sodddin' prick!"

"No gun shot to the head?" Xander asked thinking back to what they told him in History class.

"No. Vampire teeth to the neck." Spike said thoughtfully.

"Them historians. What a bunch of liars!" Xander said mocking anger.

"Yeah. You raise that mini Harris with correct history. Uncle Spike will tell him... or, uh her, everything."

"So, she told you?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, but don't worry, secrets safe with me. When are you going to tell everyone else?" Spike asked.

"After the wedding."

"Which is when?"

"Next month, or whenever you're feeling better."

"I'm invited?" Spike asked raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah. You're part of the Scooby's now."

"Why, because in a few days I'll be able to breathe?"

"No."

"Then why?" Spike questioned.

"Spike, we already had you on the guest list anyway. It went, Willow, Buffy, Giles, Tara, and then you. Then my family. I was actually gonna see if you'd be my best man." Xander said the last part quickly.

"Really?" Spike asked.

"Really. I'm not big with the asking that stuff. Makes me feel unmanly. So will you?" Xander asked.

"Sure Harris. Y'know, you're not so bad." Spike could've made it harder on him, but he really wasn't feeling to great and didn't wanna bother with the stupid things.

"You either, Spike." Xander half smiled.

"Could you get Buffy please?" Spike asked feeling a headache coming on.



Chapter 10



Two weeks went by and they were hell. When Spike was awake he'd feel like he was dying all over again. When he slept, he really didn't sleep at all. Buffy saw him changing. Not more human changes, just physical. He was thinner because he couldn't eat, he'd just throw it back up. He was even paler, if you could imagine. His hair was growing out. It was curly and his roots were showing. The gang would be with him during the day, but Buffy was never far behind. The farthest she would go was down the hall in Dawn's room to sleep. She wouldn't even go patrolling. Xander and Giles went along with Willow. Buffy was the only one who could help him while he was in pain. She's the only one he'd allow to see him cry. He'd get extremely pissed if Xander or Giles walked in while he was crying, but he'd apologize to them both later for whatever heated thing he said. And Buffy was the only one who could take his hand squeezing. Her fingers still bled even though she took her rings off after that first night. Spike apologized to her so many times she thought she would kick his ass if he said it once more, but the she'd look into his eyes and see the pain, just smile and tell him she'd heal like she always does. Major plus in the Slayer Package Deal.

"Buffy?" Spike called. It was 2:30 a.m. and Buffy was asleep in the chair.

"What's the matter?" Buffy asked waking up.

"C'mere." He whispered.

Buffy got up and walked over to the bed and sat down. Spike took her hand and placed it over his bare chest where his heart was located. She looked at him in shock. She could feel the faint beating of a heart. A smile spread across her lips as she saw his chest rise and fall.

"I'm alive" He whispered happily.

Buffy laid down next to him and put her ear on his chest trying to hear his heart beat. She couldn't but she could feel it and hear him breathing. Spike pulled the covers up around them and laid an arm around her. For once she didn't pull away. He smiled as he fell asleep. For the first time in 3 weeks, they both got a decent sleep.



Chapter 11



"Spike, you got mail." Buffy said heading up to her room. She must admit he was looking better than the day before.

"I got mail?" Spike asked sitting up.

"It's for William Shepherd. I'm guessing that's you anyways. Only William I know." Buffy sat on the bed and handed him the large envelope. Xander and Anya walked in. Xander sat in the chair and pulled Anya to his lap.

"How's it going Undead boy?" Xander asked.

"William Shepherd! They couldn't have handed out a more manlier name?" Spike asked starring at the envelope.

"What was your last name?" Buffy asked.

"Can't remember."

"The Feds suck anyways, they take money from me." Anya said.

"So what's in there?" Xander asked curiously.

"That bloody Wicca! Damn good thing she's in Africa. I could kill that blasted bitch!" Spike yelled looking at a paper he pulled out.

It was true. After what happened, Willow demanded that Ruby go back to Africa so Buffy wouldn't kill her. Willow, herself, was actually very angry at what she did.

"What?" Buffy asked looking at him worried.

"I have to work at a bloody grocery store! That'll just rack in the cash. Couldn't have worked for the damn CIA or something?"

"I-I'm sure you can quit. Get another one." Buffy suggested.

"Right!" Xander agreed.

"But first, try it out for a couple days. See if you like it." Anya put in cheerfully.

"Not bloody likely," Spike said slowly as he dumped the rest of the envelope out on his blanket-covered legs.

"What are the keys for?" Anya asked.

Spike picked up the keys that were taped to a hand-written letter.

Dear William,

I am so sorry for all of the great trouble I caused you and yours. The Wicca's here and I decided we should pay you for everything you've been through. They will send you a check for 50,000 dollars. The keys are to a house a block away from the Summer's residents. It is already furnished, I think to your liking. A car awaits you in the driveway.

Ever so sorry,

Ruby Lynn Maspeth



"Well that Blasted Bitch came in handy!" Anya said.

Spike shook his head speechless. He's never had that kind of money. Or a real house.

"Spike!" Buffy shook him.

"Right. Sorry."

"He forgets to breathe sometimes." She explained to Anya and Xander.



@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@



"Let's go check out the house after we patrol," Spike said to Buffy as they ate dinner in the Summers' kitchen later that night. Willow, Tara, and Dawn had gone out to see a movie.

"I know you're feeling better, but no patrolling."

"Why not?" Spike asked. Buffy almost laughed at how much he sounded like a whining little brat.

"Because we don't know if you can still fight."

"And you don't wanna worry about me too. I'm not like Capt. Cardboard. I can take care of myself."

"Spike, that's not fair."

"Yes it bloody well is fair. You know that's the reason. You know even if you don't let me I'll follow you. I did it before this, and I'll continue to do it if you don't let me go with you."

"Why?" Buffy asked.

"Because I love you." He caught Buffy's eyes. "And that's another reason you'd have to look after me, because you love me."

"As a friend. Nothing more." Buffy lied.

"Still, that's love no matter how you dice it, pet." Spike smirked.

"Fine. Go get your coat." He smiled and got up. "Spike." She called and he turned around.

"If anything happens..."

"Can't stake me good and proper anymore."

"No, but I can kick your ass good and proper." She smiled devilishly.





Chapter 12



"Good!" *Punch* "To!" *Kick* "Know!" *Stake* "I" *Pile of Dust* "Still can fight!" Spike said victoriously. Then he dropped to his knees and held his face in pain. "Holy Jesus!!" He screamed into the night.

Buffy dusted her last vamp and ran over to him.

"What's the matter?" she asked touching his shoulder. He looked up at her, tears brimming at his yellow eyes." Okay, what did Ruby say to do when the demon tried to surface?" Buffy asked worriedly and pissed that she forgot.

"Think of something else." Spike answered angrily because it hurt.

Buffy did the first thing she could think of to get his mind on something else. She kneeled beside him and kissed him. Spike was shocked at first but kissed her back. She wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him closer and he leaned back on his elbows. Buffy was surprised on how much she enjoyed it. She could still remember how his lips felt under Willow's "I Will It Be" spell.... and now they were warm and soft, almost like rose petals.

She rolled her tongue over his bottom lip and he opened them giving her access. Their tongues battled as he slid his hands up the back of her shirt and softly caressed her back.

Buffy pulled back. "So did that help?" she asked.

"Yup. No pain." Spike answered quickly.

"Good." Buffy said standing up.

"Yeah." Spike took the hand she offered and stood up.

"It was just to help." Buffy assured herself, and him.

"Right." He agreed still a little shocked.

They walked in silence for a couple of yards to the sidewalk.

"Tease." Spike playfully punched her in the arm.

"Tease?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah. Kiss me like that and tell me we are only friends. Xander must get a happy every time you try and make him get his mind off things!" Spike joked.

Buffy's eyes went wide and she stopped walking. Spike stopped a few seconds later and turned to look at her, her eyes still wide like a deer in headlights.

"Love?" he asked confused as to what her problem was.

"Y-you got a..." She let the sentence wander, afraid to say it.

Spike laughed.

"I-it was just to help you!" Buffy stammered embarrassed.

They walked in silence the rest of the way until they came to the house directly behind Buffy's.

" Holy Christ! They bought me a fucking Mercedes, M-Class!" Spike shouted!

"Wow! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Buffy asked.

"Nope, I kiss you." Spike smirked as her face turned red. "'Sides, mums dead. She never would've let me keep it either." He said running his hands over the black car. "Give it back William." Spike mimicked his mother in a falsetto voice. "That's what she'd say."

"Well, your mom's not around." Buffy said. "Let's see what kind of house they gave you." Buffy said as they walked towards the house.

@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@

"Spike, I think I'm moving in." Buffy said in wonderment of the house.

Spike smiled to himself thinking that he wouldn't mind much having her move in.

When you first walked into the house, you were in the living room. It had white walls. A black and white shag carpet covered the floor. The couch and 2 recliner chairs were black leather, forming a semi-square encasing the glass coffee table. In front of the table a foot away was a huge entertainment system. The TV, itself was huge, it was about 3 feet high.

"Shit! Timmy'll be huge! The 'Passions' fan club will never believe this!" Spike said looking at the TV.

Buffy glared at him unbelievable. Not knowing whether to laugh at him or be very scared.

*cough*"If I were a member of course" Spike retaliated.

"Right" Buffy smirked.

The kitchen and living room were separated only by the island counter, which had barstool to it. The kitchen stuck with the black and white colors of the living room, only the floor was mainly black, with little flecks of white in the tile.

Off of the living room to the left, past the huge aquarium, was a double glass door to the dinning room. This room was light blue with beige walls. The table in the middle of the room was oak and had 8 chairs around it. Being the daughter of an artist seller, Buffy knew the paintings on the walls were expensive. A beautiful Tiffany Chandelier hung down from the ceiling over the table.

There were 3 bedrooms down the hall to the right of the living room. They were pretty much all the same besides the colors. Same huge king size bed. 2 dressers... one held a 25" television. One room was three different shades of yellow. Another was blue and white, and the last was dark green and black.

"Hey! The fridge is stocked!" Spike yelled to Buffy who had ventured off on her own to look at the rooms more. "Buffy?" He called when he heard nothing but silence.

He went looking for her and found her in the green and black room, the one he had claimed for himself.

Sighing he picked up the phone in the living room and dialed her number.

Dawn answered.

"Little bit, how was the movie?" Spike asked.

"Fine. wait, Spike, is something wrong?" Dawn asked worriedly.

"No. Why would something be wrong?"

"You're using a phone. You don't ever use a phone."

"Oh, that. Nothing's wrong. Just at my new house. Kinda right behind yours. Anyway, Big sis zonked out. She hasn't slept good in a while and I don't wanna wake her..."

"Sure, she can stay." Dawn interrupted.

"You want to come over too? I wouldn't mind the company." Truth was, the whole turning human thing was actually getting to him. He never felt lonely as a vampire, you just killed things, and you drank, and had sex. Now, he couldn't do them things without consequences so he felt lonely just sitting in that silent house by himself. He'd never admit it. It's like, if one day you could see, then suddenly your world turned black. You'd feel confused and alone. That's how he felt. There was so many things he had to learn, but didn't know where to start. Having someone near him just sort of got his mind of them things.

"Yeah." Dawn agreed and Spike let out the breath he was holding. "I know where it is, I'll be right over"

"No!" Spike yelled a little too loudly. "I'll come and get you."

"Alright." Dawn agreed. She knew Spike felt responsible for Buffy dying in the first place and he kicked himself for letting Doc get to Dawn before he could save her. He wanted to be the hero... he had promised he'd be the hero, but he wasn't. After the small Scooby funeral they had for Buffy, Dawn spent a lot of time at Spike's crypt. Everyone let them be. They knew they needed each other's company. Both grieving someone they wanted to give their lives for. The Scooby's knew that if they had tried to get Dawn away from him, no matter how much pain it'd cause, Spike would take them out. And Dawn would run away from them, they knew. So they let them be, and Spike confessed everything to Dawn about how he should've saved her and how he felt he was to blame. Dawn just cried with him in the long hours of the night until he'd walk her home and sit until she fell asleep, only for her to return in the morning when she woke.



Chapter 13



"This house is great!" Dawn said walking into the house before Spike.

"Thanks. Designed by the witch herself." Spike closed the door

"Can we watch a movie?" Dawn asked eyes growing wide at the huge video selection. Spike swore that he could open his own Blockbuster with the massive amounts of videos he was equipped with.

"Sure Pigeon. I'm all Rummy'd out." He said about all the games of Rummy they had played to pass the time of the 4 months their beloved Buffy was gone.

Dawn sat down and rummaged through the videos. Spike brought back some Cherry Mountain Dew and some chips.

"Haven't had this stuff yet. Don't know how it tastes... but I think I've got myself a year supply in the fridge.

"It's good. I'm sure you'll like it." Dawn assured him as she put the movie in the DVD player.

"What movie is it?" Spike asked as Dawn came over to the couch and sat down next to him.

"While You Were Sleeping"

"Never seen it."

"You'll like it."

Spike really didn't like the movie but kept his mouth shut for Dawn's sake.

"So what fun stuff is there to do around here during the daylight hours?" Spike asked when the movie was finished.

"Rollerblading. Buffy used to take me before all the Slayer stuff."

Buffy had just walked out of the room, but waited in the hallway out of sight when she heard Dawn's question.

"Why is Buffy acting strange?" Dawn asked. Buffy knew Spike didn't lie to Dawn, but if he told her the truth about her being in Heaven, he'd breath no more.

"Well Nibblet, maybe it's not Buffy who's acting strange." Spike answered slowly.

"What do you mean?"

"The whole lot of you go around acting as if Buffy's going away. Maybe she acts distant sometimes, but you've gotta understand pet, she was dead. The she woke up in a coffin. That alone takes years to get out of your head. She'll be okay. She is okay." He ruffled Dawn's hair.

"How do you know more about her than her own friends do?" Dawn asked.

"Well, you're supposed to know your enemies better than your friends."

"But she's not your enemy."

"Not anymore. She was. I wanted her dead and gone forever."

"And now?" Dawn asked.

"I love her."

"Still?"

"Yeah, probably will until this stupid heart stops beating." He smiled at her.

"I'm glad you were a vampire." Dawn smiled back. "If you weren't, you would've never have lived this long and had been here."

"World works in funny ways doesn't it? But, Sunnydale has brought the joys with the pain Sweet Bit. And a major pain being you have school tomorrow. And your sis is listening to us in the hallway." He could sense her, even after his slayer alert had been kicked off. She was Buffy. He'd always know when Buffy was around. He got up and turned to where she came out into the living room.

"Buffy, can we please stay here tonight?" Dawn pleaded with her sister.

"Hello, not my house." Buffy said.

"Spike?"

"Sure. My two favorite Summers girl in my house. Now goodnight, Dawn." He said.

"Night." Dawn hugged him and kissed Buffy.

"Green rooms' mine!" Spike shouted as she bounded off towards the rooms.

"Thank you for not telling her about why I'm acting strange." Buffy sat on the couch and Spike sat next to her.

"You thought I would tell her?" Spike asked sounding a little angrier than he actually was.

"No. Yes. Spike, I don't know. I really didn't think you would tell, but it had crossed my mind. God, I've been through so much these passed few months. I'm sorry... I didn't mean anything..."

"Buffy. Buffy!" Spike stopped her from rambling on. "It's okay. I bloody well know you've been through a lot. So 'ave I. And look at our history, I have only given you a few reasons to trust me with. That's why I'm still surprised you told me in the first place."

"I wasn't going to tell anyone." Buffy admitted. "It was just to hard to even fathom myself, let alone try to get someone to believe me, or have them feel bad when they were so happy. But then I came to your crypt that night. I have seen a change in you. You weren't the same anymore and I wanted to cry. I felt I had made you like that. You looked hurt inside, torn up. Everyone else didn't wanna talk about it. It was almost like they had blocked it out of their minds, but you... you wore that whole night on your shoulders and just one look at you, I knew it never left your thoughts. Then when you were telling me how you saved us every night, and I wanted to hug you, and thank you for being there for Dawn, and for staying. I think that day at the Magic Box, you were out there for a reason. It was for me to tell you." Buffy finished as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

"Oh, love" Spike said softly as he gently wiped the tear away.

Buffy smiled. "Glad to get that off my chest."

Spike just smiled at her and she locked her eyes with his. After about a minute she pulled her eyes away.

"Uh, we better get to bed." She broke the silence. "It's 11:30 already."

"Christ! I remember when 11:30 was wake-up time." Spike stood up.

"Looks like Nibblet took the yellow room. Guess you get the blue one." Spike said as he peered into the room, which contained a sleeping Dawn.

"Spike?" Buffy said stopping in front of his door as he went to turn the handle.

"Yeah?"

"Get me if you wake up." She brushed her lips against his then turned and went into her room.

"Women!" Spike whispered loudly to himself.

Chapter 14



*Spike's Dream*

"Gregory!" Cecily called to her brother. "I thought I told you not to hang about that William." She scorned him.

"Cecily, he isn't a bad person. Maybe sick in the head for loving you, but he's good. One day I like to wish you will see that." Gregory reasoned with his arrogant sister.

"I do not wish to see anything about him. It's bad enough I have to hear that awful poetry he writes." Cecily said then walked into her house.

"William, you shouldn't waste your time on my sister. She's a beast." Gregory said to his friend who looked sadly at the ground after hearing what Cecily, his love, had said about him.

Gregory was 24, and the youngest of 4 children. Cecily and William were the same age at 26.

"She's anything but a beast, Gregory. She's a ray of sunlight that kisses the sky on the most dreadful of days."

"Oh listen to Poor William spew about his love for Cecily." Andrew said, the eldest of Gregory's brothers.

"Andrew, stop!" Gregory shouted at his brother as her grabbed away Williams's leather bound book of poetry that he carried to work with him everyday. Then he shoved him in a puddle of mud.

"You can dress yourself in fancy clothes, William, and write words that only well educated people would know, but you'll never fit into the liking of Cecily. She knows that you're just an adopted boy from a poor family who didn't want you. Why would she?" Andrew grabbed William by the bow tie and dragged him over to the bucket of drinking water.

"No!" William yelled trying his hardest to pull away, fear taking over his gangly body.

"Andrew don't!" Gregory tried to pull William loose with all of his might, but being so small didn't work in his favor.

"No!" William yelled again right before Andrew pushed his head under water.

*End Spike's Dream*



"Spike?" Buffy pushed him. He wouldn't wake up, he kept screaming "no" and thrashing around.

"Buffy, is he okay?" Dawn asked from the doorway.

"Yeah Dawn, go back to bed" Buffy assured her sister gently. When Dawn left, Buffy took hold of Spike's shoulders and shook him roughly. Finally his eyes flew open and he wrapped his arms around Buffy, like a small child would their mother.

"Spike's it's okay." Buffy softly patted his back. He let go.

"I drowned before I was turned. Only for a few seconds, by Andrew, one of Cecily's brothers." Spike explained.

"That's what you dreamed about?"

"Yeah."

"Who saved you?"

"Gregory, he was the only friend I'd ever have. He was that bitch Cecily's brother too."

"She never gave you a chance did she?" Buffy asked as she brushed a fallen piece of hair off his forehead. He needed a haircut.

"No. But I killed her. First bloody person too. I got that dream a couple of nights ago."

"Why don't you ever give up on people?" Buffy wondered aloud.

"I don't know. I either love them til I'm crazy, or I want them dead." Spike answered honestly.

"And me?" Buffy asked.

"Six feet under." Spike smirked. Buffy went to punch him but he grabbed her arm and she feel on top of him.

"Really?" Buffy asked, leaning into him.

"Almost insane." Spike whispered as he closed the gap between their lips and started a long, passionate kiss. Buffy moaned as his tongue found hers and her hands started to pull his t-shirt up. They broke the kiss long enough to pull it up and over his head. Soon Buffy was fumbling with his belt buckle. Spike knew this is what he wanted, but he also knew she would regret this later if they went any further. Either way, they both lose.

*Fucking soul!* He cursed to himself as he gently pushed her away.

"What's the matter?" Buffy asked looking so innocent it almost killed him.

"You don't want this." Spike looked away.

"Like you know what I want!" Buffy started getting upset. How dare he push her away? Then another thought crossed her mind. Was she not good enough for him? "I am having sex with you." She said slowly and went to kiss him again.

"Sex! That's all it would be to you Buffy!" Spike again pushed her away. "When you wake up in the morning, you'd be all brassed off, and you damn well know it. I want love Buffy, not just a one-night stand so you can be pissed when you realize what you did. I have this bloody soul now, and I refuse to do anything with you until you love me. And I'll wait for you, because without love, it's nothing but sex."

Buffy got off of him and paused at the door.

"I'll never love you." She lied and walked out of the room.



Chapter 15



It had been a week since their fight. Spike woke up that morning, or afternoon, to find both Buffy and Dawn gone. Dawn had written him a note thanking him and saying she'd see him later. Buffy didn't leave anything. She just left pissed.

Spike stayed away from all of the Scooby Gang. He didn't know what Buffy had told them, but he remembered the way they treated him after he told Buffy he loved her. He didn't want to chance it. They were getting along so well. Dawn came over everyday, but didn't say anything about what had happened. Buffy obviously didn't tell her. She'd sit there while he took naps because he'd usually have nightmares, and she'd like to listen to the stories. He worked at Price Chopper during the night stocking shelves. He usually woke up around 3:00 p.m. and Dawn would be there. The nightmares were getting fewer and fewer each day. He was thanking God for that, he could only take so much.

It was Wednesday night and he finally had a day off. According to Dawn, she and Buffy were bonding, doing girly stuff, so Spike was planning on watching some movies he'd never seen. He was just sitting on the couch with his Cherry Mountain Dew and Cheetos when there was a knock on the door.

"Blood Hell" He mumbled under his breath as he got up to answer it.

"Xander?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Happy to see you too, Spike. Just wanted to check out the pad." Xander stood there awkwardly.

Spike stood there for a second. Xander coughed.

"Oh, c'mon in!" Spike moved aside for Xander to walk in, and then closed the door behind him. "I usually didn't have company before, and when I did, you lot used to barge in anyway."

"I know what you mean. I lived in a basement for a year." Xander said looking around. "For the love of Zeus! The witch hooked you up good!" Xanders eyes went wide as he saw all the movies and the television.

"Want anything? I've got soda and chips?" Spike asked from the living room as Xander wandered into the dinning room.

"Uh. no." Xander said still looking.

"You didn't come to look at my house did you?" Spike asked.

"Well... sort of. not really." Xander answered back in the living room.

"Then why?" Spike sat on the couch and Xander followed in the chair.

"Buffy was pissed when she came home from your house last week. Now whenever someone mentions your name, she blows up at them. Giles told her we should ask you for help on the demon that you might know of. She yelled at the poor man until he dropped the subject. So what the hell happened?" Xander asked. This was all new to him, talking to Spike like they were friends. When the ex-vamp wasn't shooting off his hole, he was all right.

"S'kinda personal." Spike answered.

"Tara's asking Buffy right now, we'll find out anyways. I thought I'd give you a chance to voice your opinion."

Well that was a surprise to Spike. When did they ever want to know his opinion? He sighed. Better make the most of it.

"Fine. She wanted to do things. I told her not until she loved me. She took off." Spike said honestly.

"She wanted to do things?" Xander asked confused. Spike rolled his eyes and reality hit Xander. "Oh dear Jesus! And you stopped her?"

Spike shook his head yes. "Damn souls s'what it is. The demon must be all gone now. I wouldn't have been able to stop her before. She would've hated me after." Spike said matter-of-factly. "So I stop her... and she still hates me."

"Women!" Xander said.

"Exactly." Spike agreed.

@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@



"Buffy, c-can I talk to you for a minute?" Tara asked standing at Buffy's bedroom doorway.

"Sure." Buffy said lacing up her brown boot as she sat on her bed. Tara came in and closed the door.

"I'm not good at talking, and I know you don't know me all that well, but Buffy there's something wrong. I can sense it. W-what happened at Spike's?" Tara asked.

That's all it took. Buffy broke down, tears streaming down her face. She'd been holding them back for a week. Tara sat on the bed next to her and hugged her, waiting for the crying to stop.

"He was a gentleman." Buffy said softly. "We started kissing and we got as far as taking his shirt off and he stopped me. I guess I got angry. I thought he didn't want me. Or maybe... maybe I was moving to fast. But I guess I was mad over my doubt, and he told me he wouldn't do anything with me because all it'd be was sex. He said he wanted me to love him first, and he would wait for me." Buffy's voice was calm and just above a whisper.

"A-are you embarrassed to see him now?" Tara asked.

"A little. He's been so close to me since I've been back I realized something. I do love him." She looked at Tara who smiled softly to her. Buffy began to cry again

"W-well don't you think you should tell him?" Tara asked.

"No.no because I can't love him. It's wrong. I've hated him for so long, it's wrong to love him." She paused to wipe away a few fallen tears. " I think of reasons why I can't, but they aren't ever good enough and stupid. But I know it has to be wrong."

"It's not wrong Buffy. You can't help who you fall in love with. He's loved you for how long now?"

"Over a year." Buffy said. "Y'know what? I knew I loved him even before, when he was a vampire. It was the day that Ruby did her spell."

"Are you ever going to tell him?" Tara asked.

"Eventually. Tara please don't tell anyone that I love him." Buffy pleaded.

"Not a word." Tara promised and Buffy hugged her.



@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@



"Bloody hell Nibblet, your gonna break your neck!" Spike called to Dawn as she roller bladed in the park. He sat on the bench and watched her. He felt bloody stupid and know he was a genuine poofter, but he was feeling down so Dawn took him to the park. While she roller bladed, and bloody well near killed herself on them 'hell-on-wheels', he thought about things.

First on the list was Buffy. When didn't he think of her? He looked at Dawn, well that's her sister. He saw the sun. He thought of it being in the sky. Heaven was associated closely with being in the sky. Buffy was in Heaven. Now he was playing that Six-Degrees-of-Separation with Buffy.

Next thought was Anya and Xanders wedding next week. After 3 weeks, Buffy still wouldn't talk to him so he would be walking down the isle with Dawn. Not that he minded of course. But he wondered, was the switching of escorts requested by Buffy? Giles had known these stupid nancy boys from England that were in a band, so they would be the entertainment. BBMak, they called themselves. What kinda prissy's did they think they were?

Spike thought about his job. He wanted to go back to school. Not high school, college. He could get that Wicca to *poof* him a high school diploma. He wanted to be a doctor for some odd reason. That's what he wanted to do. Maybe it was redemption he was after. Having them nightmares he wanted to redeem himself and heal people. Now he sounds like his poof of a sire. Price Chopper just wasn't a place to earn a living.

"Spike, you've got shorts on and a tan. Well isn't that great!" Anya said cheerfully as she interrupted his thoughts. He blocked the sun away with his hand to look up at her.

"Yeah, Platelet made me get new clothes." Spike nodded towards Dawn.

"You've got $50,000 dollars. What are you getting us for the wedding? We sure could use a new car."

"You want me to buy you a car?" Spike asked raising his eyebrows.

"Well, yes." Anya nodded.

Spike snorted a laugh. "Anya, just not bloody two months ago you two despised me. Now you want me to spend hard earned money on a car. For you, the Harris transportation system?"

"Well, yes. Why is it so hard for you to conceive? I thought you were smart."

"Anya, no, I'm not buying you a car."

"Fine. Next time you need an ex-demon to talk to, don't come to me. And-and I'm making you sit next to Buffy at the wedding. And I'll let everyone know you wouldn't have sex with her!" Anya shouted the last sentence. Spike swore so loud the whole town heard. Dawn, who was passing by on her roller blades, skidded to a halt and starred wide-eyed at Spike. Spike felt himself turn red for the first time in 127 years.

"I-I didn't mean to say it that loud." Anya apologized.

Spike normally wouldn't have been upset by the remark, why should he have cared. But Dawn was there. She was young and looked up to her big sis. He didn't wanna sully Buffy's dignity.

"Yeah, whatever you say." Spike said angrily. "Dawn, are you ready?" He asked standing up and grabbing his Khaki colored Corduroy jacket.

"Yeah." Dawn said quietly.

Spike walked with his head down as Dawn rollerbladded beside him.

"Spike, are you mad about what Anya said or that I was around to hear it?" Dawn asked breaking the silence.

"Door Number 2."

"Why?"

"Because your sister isn't a whore and that's what she made her out to sound like." Spike confessed.

"I kinda know what happened. I can hear when they all talk about things. They think I can't hear, but them walls at our house are paper-thin. It doesn't make me think less of Buffy. Or that you're a prude. You had good reasons. Buffy was probably confused." Dawn comforted him.

Spike smiled at her. "Thank you" He said.

"You look funny in shorts." Dawn smiled back. "And I've seen better legs on a piano!" She yelled and took off as Spike sprinted after her.

Chapter 16



@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@



"Spike, look at you shake. You're more nervous than I am." Xander said helping Spike do his tie in the male's dressing room. Xander was finally getting married. He couldn't have been happier.

"Sorry, it's just..." Spike screamed a fake sob and hugged Xander. "My baby's getting married!"

"Oh God get off me!" Xander shoved him off.

Spike laughed.

"You're gonna love the speech I have written to give during the reception."

"No. Not something dumb and embarrassing in front of my dumb, and embarrassing family!" Xander said looking nauseous.

"I was gonna write a poem, but I thought a story would be better..."

"Giles, make him stop!" Xander whined.

"That's enough Spike!" Giles said sternly, then cracked a smile. "Wouldn't want to give anything away."

"This is supposed to be the best day of my life..." Xander said seriously.

"And it'll be nothing less." Spike smiled reassuringly.

"Good then." Giles said. "It's time to go."



@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@



"Nice tux!" Dawn said from behind where Spike stood peering into the church. Xander already waited at the alter. D'hafryn also stood with Giles and Spike, he would be walking Anya down the isle. Buffy was to walk with Giles, Dawn with Spike, and Tara, of course, with Willow.

As Spike turned around his breath caught in his throat. Buffy, Willow, Tara, and Dawn all wore purple, plain, but elegant dresses. It had a little bow that tied just under their breasts. It flowed back behind them with a little train. They all, especially Buffy, looked exceptionally beautiful with their make-up and hair all done up.

Anya's dress was long, white and made of silk. The top of the dress was showered with purple glitter diamonds. It had a long flowing train and purple spaghetti straps. She looked amazing. She had called Spike often over the week to make sure he wasn't mad, which he wasn't that mad anymore.

"You girls look..." Spike searched for words.

"Amazingly Beautiful?"

"Radiantly gorgeous?"

"As breath-taking as the sun?"

"Almost like Heaven?"

Dawn, Willow, Tara, and Anya offered. Buffy looked down avoiding him.

"Well. yes." Spike smiled.

"And what's with the suits 007?" Dawn asked

"Harris picked them out." Spike said shyly, feeling like a piece of meat as the girls inspected him.

Buffy snuck a glance at him. He looked beautiful in the suit. She didn't associate men with the word beautiful, but God he was like a piece of art. How could she have told him she didn't love him? She wouldn't love him. She couldn't fool herself. She hated fooling him.

The wedding march sounded and Willow and Tara got into place, they would be first.

Even though the wedding went smoothly, some demons that were sliming goo all over the pews.



Chapter 17



"Now I think the whole lot of you have me to thank for this here wedding." Spike said, microphone in hand at the head table. "Well, partly Dru, but more me because I'm conceited. You should be thanking me because if I hadn't come back to Sunnydale, Xander would've been marrying Cordelia Chase. I've met her. Whiny bint. But I like Anya much more. Things happen for one bloody reason or another. Me coming back was your destiny Xander. Well not really, but you get it so.. uh.. good luck and rah rah to the both of you." Spike finished and sat down.

Buffy stood up. Normal maids-of-honor's don't give speeches, but Anya's backwards anyways so she told Buffy she had to.

"I-I really don't know what to say." Buffy started. She scanned the people in the crowd. Some familiar, some not, but she could feel Spike's eyes on her and that made her nervous. "I've seen Anya and Xander from the beginning. I honestly thought they wouldn't' make it. The most unlikely of people, but then again, this is the Hell mouth.. er. Sunnydale, the circus central. Evil and miracles all mixed into one. Anything can happen. Who would've thought a natural born Scooby would fall in love with a vengeance demon *cough* circus clown?" *Or a natural born Slayer falling for a vampire? * She asked herself "They just better stay here in Sunnydale and help me because who knows when the next apocalypse will come."



@------'------------------;-----------------'---------@



*Can't Say

I can't say why I love you, but I do

And when I'm around you it feels so good, feels so good

And everything that I can do

Every wish I make for you

In the end it all came true and I

Chorus:

I can't say why I love you

Can't say, can't say, but I do

I can't say why I love you

Can't say, can't say, but I do

I can't say why I love you

Baby when I found you

I just knew, I just knew that I

Couldn't live without you

Feel it too, do you feel it too

Everything you give to me

Feels as though it's meant to be

If you ever ask me how I feel

(chorus)

Now I'm thinking of you

When I can't explain this feeling

But I know that it's real, when I hold you

When I saw you, you know I knew

I knew I couldn't live without

Without you ever in my life

Everything you give to me

Feels as though it's meant to be

So if you ever asked me how I feel*

***"Can't Say, by BBMak***



Spike watched Anya and Xander dance to their song. The whelp found love and he didn't. That was sad. He could see Buffy out of the corner of his eye. There were tears in her eyes.

"You're gonna have to talk to me sooner or later." He whispered.

"I can't."

"You just did. Worst part's over."

Buffy smiled a little.

"I'm sorry." Spike said playing with the napkin in front of him.

"What the hell are you sorry for?" Buffy asked. "I was stupid, you were a gentleman. I would've regretted it. But everything was going wrong and I wanted something, that for a moment would feel right to me. You've been the only thing stable in my life at that moment and I took advantage of it. And I'm sorry." Buffy said.

" 'S okay."

"Could I make it up to you by asking you to dance?" Buffy asked.

Spike looked at her and smiled.

"Just a minute. I want to go and request a song.

She got up and walked over to BBMak who were getting ready to play a new song. The nancy boy with blonde hair shook his head yes and turned to talk to the other poofters.

"C'mon" Buffy grabbed Spikes hand and pulled him to the dance floor. There were other people dancing, but being in Spike's arms, Buffy felt like the only one on the floor. She laid her head on his chest as the music started.



*God knows I've been hurt before

You know what I've been through

Time helps but it doesn't cure

The scars will never heal

Said your love was never ending

But it slowly disappeared

I know you want my heart

But a friend is all I need *



Spike was listening to the lyrics and slowly pulled away when he heard the last line.

"Buffy..." He started his heart sinking. He couldn't just be her friend. It wasn't enough.

"Listen." Buffy said and pulled him back.



*Cuz this love on the outside

Is all I can give

But this love on the inside needs someplace to live

If I gave you my heart, would you give it a home

Cuz this love on the outside

Is love all alone

I know that you love me, said a million times

You know it's hard to me

Been told a million lies

Said your love was never ending

But it slowly disappeared

I know you want my heart

But a friend is all I need

Cuz this love on the outside

Is all I can give

But this love on the inside needs someplace to live

If I gave you my heart, would you give it a home

Cuz this love on the outside

Is love all alone

Bridge

I'm taking my time

I've made up my mind

It's you I'm needing, you I'm believing

It's love forever and a day*



"Spike," Buffy said pulling away. He looked at her with question in his eyes. Buffy bit her lower lip in nervousness. "I-I love you." Buffy looked down at the floor between them.

Spike stood their speechless. He had waited forever to hear them three little words. It was as if the whole world had stopped.

Buffy met his blue eyes as she looked up shyly. He intertwined his fingers with hers and pulled her closer.

"When did you figure that out love?" He asked resting his forehead against hers.

"The night before you were changed. Right before you pushed me away."

His heart was singing. She had loved him even as the monster.

"Well, I knew I loved you when you chained me up in the Watcher's bathtub. Really turned me on." He winked at her.

"Funny. We can try it again later. Giles seems to be making friends with Xander's Aunt Sherrill."

"Nah, I'd be uncomfortable. My bed is good."

"Sounds great." Buffy smiled then closed the distance between their mouths and wrapped her arms around his neck.

*FLASH*

"Good took you two long enough!" Xander said. Buffy and Spike turned their heads to see the whole Scooby Gang smiling at them, camera in Giles' hand.



The End.