Chapter Forty-Five

There are certain things that one imagines one's life to be. The specifics of these imaginings differ from one person to the next. They are coloured by the circumstances of one's life. The things that they have been taught to value. The dreams that percolate in one's mind at night and the realities one encounters during the day. The imagined life is based on one's talents, desires or fears for one's future. It is not always positive. For some, the harsh world in which one is born into means that one will never escape the bleakness that encompasses them and never expect to. They accept this. Every time they wake in the morning. Every time they consider their reflection in the mirror. They imagine their future life to be one of misery.

Regina remembered looking into her reflection in her bedroom the day that she and Daniel had resolved to run away together. The life she imagined for herself revolved around him. They would be married and live on a beautiful farm far away from her mother. They would ride horses through the woods and make love by their fireplace and raise children who would run barefoot and know that they were loved. Her life would be simple, she would be content and none of the pain of her childhood could touch her.

This dream life ended with Daniel's final breath. From that moment, she stopped imagining her future be it good or bad. All she did was react to her present. Every move she made was in retaliation for the life she had lost. She made no decisions but rather allowed herself to fall deeper into a pit of hatred and revenge and let that drive her every move. She had no control. She had no purpose. She destroyed the happiness of others simply because she believed she could never have any of her own. She took away the happy endings. She ripped people from their homes and placed them in Storybrooke. Into a world of her own creation. And in this world, her need to destroy love had been satiated. And although she enjoyed the heart break of those who surrounded her, suddenly living solely in the present was no longer enough. Against her will, she found herself contemplating the future again.

So, one day- quite unexpectedly- she made a choice. One that was not a reaction. One that brought her comfort instead of revenge. One that made her once again look into the mirror and imagine what her life could be. It was the day that she decided to adopt Henry. A day in which she decided to let herself love again albeit in her own imperfect way. She imagined watching him grow, hearing his stories and tucking him in at night. She saw his graduation and wedding day and holding her grandchildren in her arms. She imagined a life where she would no longer be alone. She would have a family. Her heart would not be so black. She had no idea how much that singular choice would change her life. It ended her curse over Storybrooke, it gave her the strength to defeat her mother and it opened her heart to romantic love. Her life was nothing like she imagined it to be. It was greater.

As she looked at herself in the mirror of a public bathroom in a bar – wearing a skin tight red dress with her lipstick smudged and hair mussed – she reminded herself of this. She was no longer the Evil Queen who destroyed all because she had nothing to live for. She had stopped simply reacting and had fought for her life. It had taken so much for this transition to occur. She had faced all manner of demons and ghosts and fears to get to this moment. She needed to remember this now when all hope seemed lost to her. In this moment after she declared her love to Emma only to be rejected once again. And it was the worst kind of rejection. If she knew for sure that Emma no longer loved her, it would be easier. The rejection would be final. But it was clear that Regina was not alone in love. Emma felt it too but was resolved to fight against it. And so, it left Regina in this state of limbo. Not knowing whether to be motivated by Emma's cold words or the heat she felt from Emma's body as they kissed in the bathroom stall.

It was difficult for her to regret crashing Emma's bachelorette party. To feel Emma's hands on her was enough to satisfy the question about whether it was the right thing to do. Perhaps "right" wasn't the correct word. It was honestly the only thing she could do. In twelve hours, Emma would be married to another and she had to do all that she could to stop it. She had not clawed her way back from the depths of hell with her mother only to lose Emma to a man who was her inferior. A man Emma did not love.

At that, the bathroom door swung open and Red stepped in. All it took was a sideways glance from Regina to see that the wolf was spoiling for a fight. Regina remained calm. She took a paper towel from the dispenser and proceeded to fix her smudged make up as though she were in the room alone. She knew what they all thought of her. She knew that they would do all they could to keep her from Emma. She didn't need to hear the words.

"You really have some nerve don't you," Red finally spoke.

Regina continued her fixation on her lipstick, "If you have something to say, kindly get to the point quickly."

"I do believe you actually love Emma," Red continued.

Regina turned to her, surprised. Red looked just as shocked to be admitting out loud.

"Okay," Regina finally replied.

"You don't know what it was like for her after you left. It killed something inside of her. Snow would come to me in tears because Emma wouldn't get out of bed. She wouldn't eat. Her mother heard her screaming from nightmares. It took everything for her to get her life back on track. To get out of bed. To be the sheriff, the Saviour, all of the things the people of this town needed her to be. To be a mother to your son."

Regina was affected by that. "Just say what you want to say."

"Leave her alone," Red concluded. "You're back and that's fine. But don't get her caught up in you again if she doesn't want to be. True love is accepting that, right now, she can't be with you. Don't undo how hard she's worked to try and be herself again. Let her go. And maybe, if it's meant to be, the two of you will figure it out later. Just let her have some peace now."

Regina did not have a response to the request. Silence hung between the two women. Then Red left without another word.

Regina wanted to be angry. How dare this woman tell her how to love Emma? But she could not fault the wolf. Her request was out of sincere concern for her friend and not hatred for the former Evil Queen. Regina pulled herself together and walked out of the bathroom and found Kathryn waiting for her at the bar. Her friend had a million questions which Regina had no way of answering. She needed to get out. They pushed through the crowd on their way to the door. Her initial certainty at crashing the bachelorette to see Emma was becoming as hazy as the smoke-filled bar. The stage for her seduction now disgusted her with its drunkards and loud music and sticky floors. How deluded she was to think that this would be the place where she could win Emma's heart back.

The cool air outside did little to relieve the sudden suffocation Regina felt. Kathryn tried to usher the brunette into a cab but Regina insisted on walking alone. Kathryn protested but knew better than to argue with her friend for long. She hugged Regina and took the solo cab ride home. Regina set off before deciphering the correct route home. She didn't care where she went. She simply wished to be as far from The Hangover as humanly possible. She walked through the briskness of the night without a coat. She allowed its icy fingers to pierce through her skin and grab hold of the deepest parts of her. She shivered but she refused to wrap her arms around herself in search of warmth. She was chilled to the bone. Not only by the low temperature but also by a devastating realisation.

In her youth, Regina had learnt of romantic love in all of its passion and purity. In motherhood, she learnt of unconditional love. A love that persisted even when her son hated her. But it was still a selfish kind of love. She never missed an opportunity to manipulate circumstances in order to keep Henry. Her version of what he needed was more important than the reality. It was a style she had learnt from Cora and regardless of how much she worked to be different to her mother, in many ways, she ended up just like her. Regina's love for Emma was romantic. It was unconditional. And it was selfish. Many times, Emma had laid her heart open to Regina but the brunette was unable to reciprocate. She was too haunted by the past to tell Emma that she loved her. When she decided to follow Cora back to The Enchanted Forest, she did so without a word to Emma. Yes, it was for her family's protection but Emma was no damsel. She was The Saviour. And when Regina returned, she had a singular mission- to win Emma back- with no regard for how affected Emma would be by Regina's sudden absence. She could hear Red's revelation ring in her ears. The confession of how tormented Emma was when Regina left. Emma had only wanted one thing from Regina. Love. And all she got in return was heartache. Regina was ashamed.

And this was the realisation. She wanted Emma to be happy. With her curse, Regina had already taken so much joy from Emma's life in her childhood and now, she was doing it again. Perhaps, the only way that Emma would ever be happy would be if Regina were no longer a part of her life. Because regardless of whether Regina was evil of good, Emma always ended up hurt. Regina could not stand that. She loved Emma. The last thing she wanted was to be the source of her pain. And that was Regina's grand realisation. To restore Emma's happy ending, Regina would have to break her own heart.

She stopped suddenly. Finding herself in an abandoned part of town. Her feet pulsing with pain. She knew what she had to do. She clicked her fingers and was enveloped in a swirl of white smoke.

Red was awoken by incessant knocking on her door. She checked the time on her phone. 3:18 am. She groaned. Whoever had the balls to wake her up at that hour, had better be on death's door if they wanted to remain alive. The knocking grew louder.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming," she bellowed as she threw the covers off her body and marched to the door. She swung it open, ready to release her ire but stopped abruptly when she saw who had come to see her. It was Regina. The former Evil Queen was still in her red dress from the bar. There was none of her usual haughtiness in her disposition. She looked exhausted in every way possible.

"I need you to do something for me," said Regina. Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Come inside," Red was concerned the woman would collapse at her door.

"No," Regina held up a vial to Red. "I need you to take this."

Red took the vial. She held it up in inspection. "What is it?"

"A memory potion. Give it to Emma."

"She doesn't need anything to remember you."

"It's to make her forget me," Regina explained.

Red looked at the vial again and then back at Regina. To say she shocked was an understatement. Regina had made such a flagrant attempt at winning Emma back just a few hours ago. She could not believe that this woman- the ultimate schemer- could possibly do something so altruistic.

"What's your game plan here," Red quizzed Regina.

"Will you just do it," Regina replied, exasperated.

Red took Regina by the arm and pulled her into her room. The touch of her arm was cold as Red guided the older woman to the foot of her bed and made her sit down.

"I'm not giving Emma anything until you explain yourself," Red put her foot down.

Regina didn't respond. For the first time, Red realised that the other woman was shivering. But Regina made no attempt to warm herself. Red pulled the covers off her bed and wrapped them around Regina. Regina tried to fight off the warmth but Red proved stronger and Regina allowed herself to give in. Red kneeled before Regina and forced the woman to look at her.

"Talk to me," Red instructed with more gentleness than she had ever thought she would show the Evil Queen.

Regina's face crumpled. She did not cry but it was as if Red were witnessing the physical manifestation of Regina letting down her emotional guard.

When Red first realised there was a change in Regina and Emma's relationship, she had worked not to judge her friend for it. There would be enough of that from the rest of her family and the townsfolk. Red had chalked it up to sexual attraction. She could understand that. Even with the full knowledge of how evil Regina was, no one could deny her beauty and extreme sex appeal. She wielded it like weapon just as much as she did her magic. So, she could not fault Emma for falling for it. Red herself had experienced a troubling dream or two in her time. Then there was their maternal connection over Henry. It would be impossible for two people to share a child, raise that child together and not have some kind of attachment to each other. However, beyond these two things, Red could not see what had made Emma fall so hard for Regina that she could be so devastated by her disappearance.

Now, as she kneeled before the queen, Red got a glimpse into the pull of Regina Mills. When she was not scheming or ruining lives; when she was not so quick-witted or arrogant; when she was small and vulnerable and unsure of herself- Regina was human. And lovely. And inspired the softening of one's heart.

"You were right," Regina began. Her gravelly voice deeper than usual. "I have to let her go or she will never be happy. She's only marrying Neal because of me. She's condemning herself to a life without true love because of me. If she forgets about me then she won't marry him. She can start again. She can be free."

Red could feel her heart grow at Regina's surprising naivety, "It may not work that way."

"It has to."

"Regina-"

"It has to work! You have no idea what it's taking for me to do this. So, it has to work. You have to give it to her," Regina did her best to sound forceful.

"Please don't ask me to do this."

"Isn't this what you want," Regina became accusatory. "It's what all of you want. She'll forget that she loved me. She'll forget that we were ever together. I'll go back to being pain-in-the-ass Mayor Mills."

"Is that really what you want," asked Red.

"No," Regina confessed. "But after everything that I've done to her, she deserves to be happy."

Regina stood up at that, readying herself to leave. Red did not trust the state that Regina was in. She offered to take her back to the mayoral mansion. Regina declined the offer. She enjoyed walking through the night for she knew that once day broke, her world would never be the same again. Red watched Regina go. She was left alone, holding the vial in her hand contemplating whether giving it to Emma was truly the right thing for her dear friend and cursing the fact that harboured such doubts.

Regina awoke with a jolt. Her nude body was bathed in the sunlight of a new day. She looked around her bedroom- which for a moment she had forgotten that she had returned to. She had walked through the night until she stumbled from weariness. But still, she did not use her magic to get home. She walked, punishing her body, exhausting herself. When she finally made it to her bed, she peeled off the skin tight red dress and flopped onto the covers. Within seconds, she passed out. She missed the sunrise by a matter of minutes.

What had woken her?

A thump.

She got out of bed. The balls of her feet ached as soon as they touched the ground. She crossed to her cupboard and found an old t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. She pulled on the shirt but her body ached with the physical exertion of the previous night. Then she heard it.

"Regina!"

The voice was unmistakable. It was Emma.

Regina quickly pulled on her pants and- with an alacrity that would have normally embarrassed her- she ran to the top of her stairs. Emma was standing at the bottom. A vision in white. If this was a dream, she did not wish to wake from it. If it were a trick of her own mind, she would accept its cruelty. Emma looked up at her. Her eyes uncertain, her breathing heavy but more beautiful than Regina had ever seen her before.

"Are you really here," Regina was almost afraid to break the illusion.

"I am," replied Emma.

Regina walked down the stairs. Slowly. Partly because her body would not allow her to move any faster and partly because she still did not completely trust that the sight of Emma in her wedding dress was not just a mirage. When she reached the bottom, they stood a few feet apart from each other. They looked at each other. The space between them filled with all of the things they wanted to say. And do. Suddenly, Regina was self-conscious about her wild hair and baggy attire. Not that she thought Emma cared.

"Is the wedding over," Regina needed to know before she could continue with the conversation.

Emma averted her eyes. She held out the vial to Regina. "What the hell were you thinking with this?"

"I thought it would help," explained Regina.

"And what makes you think you have the right to tell me what I should and shouldn't forget?"

"I didn't cast a spell. I gave you the option," Regina defended. "I did it for you."

"It's just so typical of you," Emma smashed the vial against the floor. Regina was alarmed by the violence of the action. "You keep making these unilateral decisions, to protect me, because you love me but that's not love. That's control"

"I don't know what else to do," Regina snapped. "Neither one of us has had great examples of how to be in love. And I get that I've done a shittier job of this than you but you have to understand that everything that I have ever done has been out of the best part of my heart."

Emma stepped away at that. She knew that what Regina was saying was true. It didn't make it right. It didn't make it easier to withstand. But she understood. She was trying to do the best that she could. Meanwhile, Emma had stopped fighting altogether.

"Ruby told me that you thought if I drank that potion, I wouldn't marry Neal anymore," said Emma.

"Yes," Regina replied.

"You do get how stupid that is?"

"If you forget that you ever loved me-"

"Are you fucking serious," Emma cut her off. "Do you think that I could ever forget that? All that it would take would be to see you one time. To hear your voice or see you smile and I would fall in love with you all over again. I don't love you because of my memories of you. A lot of them have been shit. I love you because of who you are. No potion is strong enough to change that."

Regina looked back at Emma. There was a light in her eyes that wasn't there before. And then Emma realised her mistake. In her fit of anger, she had done the one thing that Regina had longed for. She had confessed her love. Emma could feel herself start to free fall. Why had she come to the mayoral mansion in the first place?

"How could you marry him when you love me," Regina asked.

Ruby gave Emma the vial and relayed Regina's intention without judgement. Her friend waited for a reaction. But there was none. Emma simply closed her hand over the vial and walked out of her bedroom. Ruby followed. Asked if Emma was going to drink it. The bride did not respond. She found her way to the car where her parents and Henry waited for them, got inside and instructed her father to drive. As the car moved through the town, Emma tried to suppress her anger and frustration and confusion and uncertainty. Once again, Regina had succeeded at making everything murky when Emma was sure that all was clear. The next thing she knew, David was walking her down the aisle. And every step she took towards Neal filled her with more dread. She stood at the altar and looked into his eyes. He had worked so hard to prove himself to her.

But now, she wasn't by his side.

She was with Regina.

To her the marriage was not a farce. It was a choice. But a choice akin to death. An endless repose where she would cease to exit. Where she would no longer feel anything. There would be no difference from one day to the next.

Despite the horror she had witnessed throughout her life, to her, there was no heaven or hell. To her, re-incarnation was fruitless because she would never be this version of herself again. Emma Swan- daughter of Snow White and David, mother of Henry, product of a foster system, Saviour to an enchanted people and a woman in love with Regina Mills. Throughout her life, there were so many moments when she contemplated death. The sweet final end. But there was a fighting spirit that had kept her alive. And it led her to her family. It encouraged her to fall in love. The spirit grew faint when Regina left. She flirted with the thoughts of death again. The only thing giving her strength was her son. When Regina returned, that indomitable spirit re-ignited. But she feared that it would burn her again. Loving Regina would scald her. Emma could no longer endure it. She was tired. She had no desire to fight. Marrying Neal, meant that she no longer had to.

But now she was standing before Regina.

"I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this again," Emma whispered.

"I understand," said Regina. "My mother taught me that love is weakness. When Daniel died, I died with him. I stopped being. I stopped feeling. But you and Henry brought me back. Your love gave me life. And now I know that love is strength. It's stronger than evil. It transcends death. It exists in a place that is superior to everything. It has no end. And all that is bad in the world can do its worst. Because it can never take away my love. I will never blacken my heart again. Love is not what causes pain. It's what gets you to the other side. And my love is strong enough for the both of us. Let it save you. Let it bring you back to me."

Emma stepped forward and flung her arms around Regina, holding her tight. Regina returned the embrace. Her arms firmly around Emma's waist. They held each other, their faces buried into the crook of the other's neck. Emma sobbed. Regina tightened her grip, dreading the moment when she would have to let go. Then Emma mumbled something into her skin. Regina pulled back.

"What," Regina asked.

Emma blinked away her tears, "I didn't marry him."

Regina's eyes widened in disbelief.

"I was standing next to Neal and I just couldn't do it," Emma continued. "I knew that if I was going to promise the rest of my life to someone, it had to be you. I love you"

Overwhelmed with relief, Regina pulled Emma in and kissed her. A kiss so simple and gentle but filled with the power of a life-changing love. Emma broke the kiss.

"If you ever leave me again…" Emma began.

"I won't," Regina assured her.

"But if you do-"

"I won't."

"Regina-"

Regina cupped Emma's face in both hands, "I will never leave you again. I will never make another decision like that without you. I will never give you a reason to doubt whether I love you. I swear."

Regina sealed the vow with a kiss. Emma deepened it, her hands crawling beneath Regina's t-shirt and kneading her skin. It was different to their stolen moment in the bathroom at Emma's bachelorette party. The intense heat of a forbidden love was gone. The thrill of a love-hate relationship had died. Their kisses weren't desperate. They were slow with the promise of time. A lifetime.

With their lips still firmly attached to each other, Regina led Emma towards the stairs, ready to fulfil every dream she had of what it would be like to be with the woman she loved again. To feel her skin and her pleasure and after that, make plans for that lifetime together. However, the plan was short lived as the sound of a knock at the front door stopped them.

"Regina! It's Snow White. Is Emma in there," the voice called through the door.

Regina and Emma looked from the door to each other. Regina raised her eyebrows in question to Emma who responded with a shake of her head. The last thing she wanted right now was to deal with her mother. She was finally happy again. She didn't want to lose that magic.

"I know you gave Red a memory potion," Snow continued. "If Emma's in there, I just want to know that she's okay. Everyone's looking everywhere for her. Henry's really worried."

Emma softened at that. She pulled away from Regina and opened the door to her mother with an "I'm fine."

Snow looked her daughter up and down, as if to make sure, then looked passed Emma to Regina who stood awkwardly in her own reception. She returned her focus to her daughter.

"Why did you think to come here," Emma asked.

"I started with the worst-case scenario for where you could be. I didn't tell your father but you need to come back to Granny's," said Snow White.

"I can't," Emma replied. "I'm not going to marry Neal."

"Yeah, I got that."

"Please don't be mad."

"I'm not… it's your wedding day, Emma. And you're here with her," Snow White pointed to Regina.

Regina stepped forward at that. She fought her natural instinct to be combative. She had spent so many years hating Snow White and actively working towards her demise. She had spent so long viewing Snow White as the sole embodiment of her heartache. The architect of her darkness. But the reality was also that Snow White was the mother of the woman that she loved. Henry's grandmother. She played a part, albeit reluctant, in opening Regina's heart again. And if Regina was determined not to make Emma's life more difficult, Regina had to start by making things right with her mother.

"I don't want to rehash the past with you," Regina began. "We've broken each other's hearts. But you were a child. You didn't know what you were doing. I did. And for that, I'm sorry. I know it's not enough. It can't erase what I've done to your family. And I understand that you will probably never forgive me and I won't ask you to. But I need you to understand that Emma and Henry are my family. I love them. That love has changed me. And I think it's been good for them too."

Emma chimed in, "It has. When the three of us are together, we're happy. You believe in true love. A love that survives against all odds. A love that makes you grow, that makes you the best version of yourself. That's what Regina and I have. It's messy and weird and our family tree is so screwed up… but it's real. And we're not giving up on it."

Emma turned to Regina at that and smiled. The emptiness inside of her was filled. The brokenness of her heart healed. The readiness for death banished. She put an arm around Regina's waist and turned back to her mother, defiant. Daring her to challenge them. Snow White's eyes filled with tears.

"You're smiling," Snow White whispered.

"Is that a bad thing," Emma suddenly grew wary of her mother's reaction.

"I have waited months to see you smile," Snow White continued. "All any of us want is to see you be happy. Even if it's with… Regina."

"Thanks," Regina couldn't bite back her sarcasm.

"But you still need to come back with me," Snow reasoned. "You need to talk to Neal. And your father."

"Can't you talk to David for me," Emma pleaded.

"I'd be happy to do it," Regina offered. She was rewarded with a chastising slap on her waist from Emma. "I was just trying to be helpful."

Emma turned back to her mother, "Let's go."

Emma walked passed her mother out of the house. Snow stepped up to Regina, putting on the best tough guy act she could muster.

"If you hurt my daughter, all the magic in the world won't protect you from me," Snow warned.

"That's not really true. But I appreciate the intention," Regina quipped in return.

"You're such a smart ass."

"Language, Snow. I raised you better than that," Regina winked.

Snow White couldn't help but smile. She shook her head in disbelief as she walked away. Regina stepped out of her house.

"Miss Swan," Regina called out.

Emma, almost at her mother's car, instantly turned back to Regina – amused by Regina reverting to their old ways.

"The next time you wear a white dress like that, you had better be walking down an aisle towards me. And don't even think about pulling this runaway bride stunt again."

Warmed by the thought of marrying Regina, Emma ran up to her love and leaped into her arms for a lingering kiss. She then pulled away.

"I'll be seeing you, Mayor Mills," Emma smiled. She then skipped off back to the car.

Regina watched them drive away. And as they did, she imagined what her life was going to be like now. She wasn't under the illusion that it would be any easier. There would be several objections to her relationship with Emma. And with how damaged they both still were by their pasts, they were bound to make mistakes in the future. But she was certain that this future would be filled with more love and light than she had ever imagined before. And she was grateful for every painful turn in her life. Because it led her to this moment.

Where she was happy. Where she was free. Where she was going to spend the rest of her life with her true love.

Emma Swan.