He had tried…

Tried and failed it would seem…

Perhaps they should have that inscribed on his tombstone…

Blake Carrington the man who never stopped trying to achieve the impossible…

And this was the impossible, trying to forget what could not be forgotten. To suppress feelings that he had finally allowed to resurface and which now refused to be stuffed back into the hole in which he had hidden them all these years. The genie simply would not go back into the bottle now it had been released, and not even Blake's ever present guilt could force it to do so.

He had cheated on his wife…

He had slept with and had actually confessed his love to another woman but not any other woman. No that might have been too easy. Another woman might have been content to step aside, to leave his life and him alone with his guilt rather than risk lighting the tinder under what was already a potentially explosive situation.

But not Alexis…no even if she had temporarily abandoned Denver after everything had blown up the way it did, it wouldn't be long before she would return and knowing her the way he did Blake knew she would cause chaos in his life once more.

Sighing Blake Carrington leaned back in his desk chair wincing slightly when his still aching and bruised frame objected to the movement. He may not have suffered from any serious physical injury after the limousine explosion but that didn't mean a man of his age would survive being practically blown up without even a scratch. No he had his fair share of bruises yet the biggest wound by far was the loss of his peace of mind.

Even here locked safely away in his office from the rest of the world Blake could still feel the hurt and condemning gaze of his current wife. Krystle wasn't a fool. She had paid witness to their easy intimacy at the house when Alexis had been playing Mrs Carrington and when Blake hadn't even recognised his true wife…she must have seen how different a man, how different a husband, Blake had been to Alexis.

Dear god what she must have suffered through watching them together, saying nothing out of fear that it would make things worse…of playing her part and keeping quiet.

Yet what made his guilt deepen was knowing that if he was offered a choice now, between knowing the truth or returning to that confused state Blake wasn't certain what he would choose. Now he knew the truth he had his memories back but it brought him little pleasure. Back then he may have had blindness and amnesia but he had been happy and he had a wife that he loved and loved him back.

That was the only thing of which Blake was still certain of out of all the web of lies, Alexis had and did love him, and dear god as much as he wished he could turn off those feelings Blake couldn't deny his passion for her now burned as strongly as it once had…but the lies…Blake couldn't forgive the lies even they were first meant to help and not hurt him…No it had gone too far for him to just forgive they had made him happy and hopeful in a way he hadn't felt in so long and that was what cut so deeply and made the wound weep.

In fact if Blake was being honest now part of him still longed for the fairytale Alexis had constructed. That world had seemed so much brighter and full of so much joy and happiness. A long loving marriage with a woman who fascinated and attracted him more than ever, a happy family, a successful business, they were everything Blake had grown up dreaming of. Now Blake had a son that was a…Blake couldn't even bring himself to admit it and a daughter that seemed determined to throw her marriage away. Blake's beloved Denver Carrington was under threat from Rhinewood this Las Vegas hood and his marriage, well Blake wasn't quite sure what state his marriage was in.

Although in truth his marriage had been on the rocks before any of this mess had started…

On the surface Krystle appeared to have forgiven him. The amnesia wiped clean any guilt of infidelity, after all Blake had been ignorant of any betrayal so surely it couldn't count. Logically all that was true and valid but no logic in the world could take out the emotional reaction. Krystle may know Blake wasn't to blame but part of her clearly felt differently.

Perhaps it was hurt pride that their love hadn't been strong enough to break through the amnesia by itself, that Blake had appeared far happier playing house with the first Mrs Carrington than he ever had with her?

Or perhaps…perhaps Krystle was able to sense Blake's own uneasiness?

Blake had been more distant than ever. He just hadn't been able to help himself. There was still so much he had to go through in his own mind, to try and sort through everything that this traumatic experience had taught him that Krystle hadn't exactly been his focus.

It certainly didn't help matters that every time Blake did reach out to his wife he was met with a tidal wave of guilt…guilt for neglecting her…guilt for feeling this awkwardness between them…guilt for being unable to suppress his feelings for another woman.

So perhaps it was a coward's way out but Blake Carrington preferred to hide from the world and his wife in his office until he had time to pull himself together and forget that it had ever happened.

Unfortunately for Blake Carrington it seemed the memories of these past weeks would not be quiet so easy to erase…

-/-

Terrifying…

In one word that summed up how Blake Carrington was feeling.

He was surrounded by darkness and no matter how hard he tried to wake himself from this nightmare nothing seemed to be working. And it had to be a nightmare Blake Carrington could accept no other truth.

Here he was a vital man he may be almost forty but he was as fit as any man in his twenties thanks to the hours he still put in on his oil rigs. It was thanks to one of those rigs that he was here now. Blake didn't need to be able to see to remember the horror and terror of those flames. They had rushed up like a ravenous beast, one small slip and up the rig had gone.

Dear god was Blake imagining it or could he still hear the screams of his men as they jumped down from the rig? Some of them had to have broken bones jumping down from that height; still it was better than the alternative. The image of his friend Jimmy running away from the rig his clothes alight and the sickening smell of burning human flesh in the air…

Shaking as he fought the rolling nausea in his stomach Blake almost leapt out of his skin when he felt a cool hand on his arm.

"Mr Carrington this is Dr Walters I am just going to run a few tests we just need to check your eyes."

Shaking off the doctors hand Blake shook his head, feeling his panic increase when the cool hand returned and he reached up and violently shoved it away.

"No." This wasn't real this was a nightmare it had to be. He was able to see fine this was a dream.

Blake was fighting with imaginary demons and then he would wake up in his bed with his soft warm wife beside him and he would turn over and be able to bury his head in her neck and run his hands over her curves. He would watch as she smiled in her sleep and turned towards him her arms welcoming him into her embrace and they would make love as the early morning light cast dappled patterns through the curtains.

Instead he felt other hands…other cool strong hands…not hers, not her tiny soft clever fingers that would slip underneath his pyjamas and touch him in the way Blake loved to be touched. These hands restrained him, held him fast as Blake lashed out against his unseen attackers.

"Mr Carrington you need to calm down…It's alright you're at Memorial Hospital we are here to help you…"

"No…No…no…no." Blake chanted blocking out attempts to calm him as he felt his pulse jump in his throat and his breath catch in his chest.

"He's having a panic attack…We can't let his blood pressure get any higher…I need to sedate him."

Feeling the prick of the needle Blake cried out, the sudden pain was nothing to the sudden realisation that this was really happening. Stifling a choked sob Blake felt the medication begin to drag him under this wasn't fair, all he wanted was to be home safe, his wife's willing body under his and her loving voice whispering in his ear. He wanted her here to hold him and tell him everything was fine.

Before Blake Carrington succumbed to sleep he was able to force his lips to frame one word. "Alexis…"

-/-

Whatever Blake Carrington expected upon returning to consciousness, his eyesight to have miraculously returned or this bizarre and terrifying nightmare to be over, awakening to hear a barely muted argument being held over him had not one of them. Blake wasn't sure which was more unsettling two voices he didn't recognised talking about him like he wasn't there, or that damn beeping noise that had appeared from nowhere.

"…I don't know why he asked for her. I am simply telling you what I heard."

"But Doctor…surely there must be some mistake, maybe you misheard…"

That he recognised neither of the voices merely confused him further. Surely if he were really in a hospital than his wife would have been called, and Blake knew nothing would keep Alexis from his bedside. So what on earth was going on?

"My hearing is not at fault here. Now I am sorry if this distresses you but Mr Carrington specifically asked for Alexis and if the lady in question can help us keep him calm long enough for us to conduct our tests then surely that is what matters. Mr Carrington's health is my primary concern."

"Of course it is I just…"

His patience coming to an end the moment his wife's name was mentioned Blake cleared his throat loudly announcing his presence.

"Mr Carrington…."

"…Oh thank god, I was so worried."

Brushing aside the gushing overly familiar nurse who grabbed at his hand Blake turned his head in what he assumed was the direction of the Doctor's voice, unable to completely shake the panic that still clawed at him as he realised just how lost and vulnerable he was. This world seemed wrong and he needed something familiar to ground him, anything to reassure Blake that he wasn't really as alone as he felt.

"What is wrong with me doctor?" Blake demanded his temper frayed as he fought to contain the panic that clawed at his throat. "My eyes…"

"That is something we are trying to find out Mr Carrington, I cannot begin to imagine how distressing this must be for you but we do need to run some tests and I need for you to try and remain calm. Everything that can be done will be done but right now other than your eyes we are concerned for your blood pressure levels, those we know are far too high. However considering the stress you must be under that is to be expected. Still we'd like to get them down, and sooner rather than later."

"Alright." Blake agreed swallowing down his nerves even as the fingertips of panic began to claw at his throat and he tightened his grip on his bed sheets, his concern mounting as that damn beeping machine seemed to beep faster and louder. That combined with the fact he just knew he was being stared at like some freak show specimen by the doctor and the clingy nurse.

"We'd like our eye specialist to come and run some tests if you feel able…You can have someone sit with you…Perhaps Mrs Carrington could stay?"

Nodding Blake felt some of his panic subside. At least Alexis was here, somewhere; probably giving one of the doctor's hell for keeping her from him, that at least he could count on.

"Yes thank you Doctor. I would like my wife here…If you could send her in for a few minutes first I would appreciate it."

"Send her in?"

"Yes send her in!" Blake snapped his strained patience reaching the end of his tether. If his wife was here then dammit he wanted to see her not be kept waiting. "You said she was here."

"I am sorry Mr Carrington I am just a little confused I thought…"

"My wife…Alexis Carrington." Blake retorted as if spelling it out to a particularly slow child. "I want to see her…I want her here…" Blake corrected himself his agitation growing as he realised he wouldn't be seeing Alexis or anything any time soon…and that god damn beeping noise was driving him to distraction.

"God dammit can't you turn that thing off…And stop gawping at me like that…And don't touch me." Blake snapped reaching out and shrugging off the overly familiar hand that had briefly stroked his bare arm.

"But B…"

"I think it's for the best if we do as Mr Carrington requests until we have a better understanding of what is going on." The Doctor cut in and Blake breathed a sigh of relief as finally he was listened to. Hearing the door open and shut Blake fell back against his pillows taking several deep breaths to calm himself. At least alone he didn't feel quite so vulnerable, now if he could just found out which one of these wires was linked to that damn beeping machine…

-/-

Blake had found himself almost dozing off when finally the door to his room opened once more. For a moment Blake opened his mouth, groggily preparing to give whomever had dared to disturb him a piece of his mind, then he heard the tell tale tapping of high heels and a familiar scent…far more pleasant and welcoming than the ever present smell of hospital grade cleaning fluid that seemed to linger on every surface.

"You're here."

It was a statement not a question and Blake felt a rush of relief and fear.

Relief that Alexis was finally here and there was something familiar and fear because Blake felt so out of his depth. He had no idea the state of his injuries other than the problem with his eyes and some issue with his blood pressure…he didn't even know what state he looked like, that the explosion on the rig disfigured him in someway, was that why he couldn't see?

What if Alexis didn't even recognise him like this?

Yet it seemed that fear at least was redundant as a familiar soft little hand reached out and took his own in her grasp as its owner settled down on the edge of his bed. "I'm here Blake…I would have been here sooner but there seems to have been some confusion."

Snorting Blake could at least appreciate the dark humour in that truth. "You can say that again." He retorted squeezing his wife's hand back before forcing himself to release it, forcing himself to give up the comfort she offered and at least maintain a façade of his former strength and dignity.

Whilst being made to wait for his wife Blake had wanted nothing more than to bury himself in her embrace, to greedily lap up her love and reassurance, but when she was here in the flesh Blake couldn't help but feel embarrassed by those feelings. He was a grown man not a child. He shouldn't crave comforting like a child would. Sitting here in this hospital bed Blake felt stripped bare and vulnerable; far from the strong confident man he projected to the world. Well his eyesight may have been taken from him but Blake was damned if his dignity was going to be taken as well.

Not that he could really hide what and why he was acting this way, not from Alexis, and from her resigned sigh and the way her weight shifted off of the bed. The scrape of a chair confirmed it as Alexis drew one up to his bedside and settled herself down there.

"Blake the doctors have filled me in on what they know…"

"Which is more than they have done for me." Blake snapped angrily. "Dammit how much longer are they planning on leaving me here like this?"

"And they thought it might be easier coming from me." Alexis added carrying on as if Blake hadn't interrupted.

"What might be easier?" Blake retorted his pulse jumping slightly as the familiar feeling of panic returned. "What do they know?"

"Blake please this will be easier if you let me talk and then ask questions!" Alexis's familiar voice was edged with a tinge of frustration, a feeling Blake more than shared.

"The doctors are going to send a specialist to test your eyes, he will probably order some scans an MRI or something. They are worried about your blood pressure which is far too high and your…well there is no way to put this delicately so I'll be blunt…your panic attack when you first woke up…"

"I was injured and had no way of knowing what was happening, I woke up to realise I couldn't see anything…Dammit anyone would have reacted the same way that does not make me unstable…" Blake snapped his fists clenching even as he flushed in embarrassment.

Why did they have to tell his wife that? Blake was already struggling himself with knowing he had lost control but to have others know it…to have his young wife know it and pity him because of it….

"Of course it doesn't." Alexis replied soothingly yet Blake was in no mood to be placated and fortunately or perhaps it was knowingly judging the way Blake had reacted so testily quickly moved on to the point she was trying to make.

"Their concern is that combined with your blood pressure another one of these attacks might trigger something worse and so they want you to try and stay calm. If something makes you become agitated they you need to tell someone so they can do something about it. Meaning Blake you are going to have to do something you hate, you are going to have to ask for help when you need it!"

Biting his tongue Blake did his best to casually fold his arms, trying not imagine what he might look like sitting here in a hospital gown and god knows what he looked like after that explosion…his skin felt like it had been sandblasted…

Swallowing down that disturbing thought Blake tried his best to remain calm even as his imagination ran wild. "Alexis I need to know my face…The doctors haven't said anything but the fire and the explosion. Was I burnt was that why I can't see?"

"Oh Blake no." Alexis reply was instantaneous and this time Blake couldn't contain his sigh of relief when his wife moved to sit back on his bed, her delicate fingers tracing lightly over his face.

"Its not that bad I promise, you just look like you've sat out in the sun a little too long, nothing a few days won't fix. You're still the most handsome of men Mr Carrington."

"Liar." Blake countered with an easy grin, the familiar repartee relaxing him slightly until Alexis's next words.

"There is one more thing…"

Hearing the uneasiness in her voice for the first time Blake froze. Coughing he cleared his throat. "What?"

"The doctors have reassured me that you're not suffering from any other physical injuries thank god but that you do appear to be a little confused…The explosion Blake can you remember what caused it?"

Frowning despite the stinging of his sore skin Blake tried to work out just what Alexis was digging at. "It was a rig explosion Alexis; I won't know the cause until after the investigator as been around you know that."

"I see and do you remember before the accident?"

"Is this about the argument because honestly Alexis I would have thought today would have put that all into perspective?" Blake demanded his temper frayed from this bizarre game of twenty questions. "I would have hoped my health would have been more important to you than bringing that all up again?"

"What argument Blake?"

"What do you mean what argument?" Blake snapped his patience with this quiet calm Alexis asking unsettling questions coming to an end. "You know what argument, well it looks like you got your wish after all since there is no way I can continue to run Denver Carrington like this so now we have plenty of time to take that weekend away…In fact why not make it a week or two." Blake added sarcastically.

"Blake we didn't argue this morning." Alexis's soft voice cut through Blake's rant.

"Yes we did it's my eyesight that is damaged Alexis not my memory!"

"I'm afraid that's not entirely true Blake." Alexis added in that damn soft little voice. "The doctors suspected it but we needed to confirm it…Blake what year is it?"

"Alexis this isn't funny…"

"Blake on our children's lives…on Adam…" Alexis continued on even as the sound of his first lost son's name was like a dagger in his stomach being slowly twisted. "I would never ever joke around about this."

And she wouldn't, even if Blake didn't want to consider the possibility that there was something worse than loosing his eyesight. "1964."

Feeling the soft touch of Alexis's fingers against his arm and hearing the way her breath caught in her throat Blake knew before Alexis replied that somehow that wasn't the right answer…

"Alexis please tell me its 1964."

"I'm so sorry Blake but I can't. It's not 1964 anymore, the year is 1982."

-/-