Hi everyone!

I apologize for not updating sooner, I really don't have an excuse expect that real life's a b*tch!(I could swear last week it was still October and now all of a sudden it's December, seriously where did the time go?)

I can't thank all of you awesome people enough for reading/following/reviewing my story. I know I sound like a broken record, but it really means a lot to me.

He doesn't open his eyes when he first wakes up.

Partly because he doesn't want anyone to know he's awake; he just wants to lie there and be left alone.

Partly because he doesn't feel like he can.

Even with his eyes closed, he finds the light annoyingly bright and for a brief moment he wonders where the hell he could be and what kind of an idiot would ever make lights that shine as bright as these…

Then, it all comes rushing back to him. The stolen bombs, the undercover mission, rescuing Sam from that pool, Sidorov and what they did to him in that room…

He instantly becomes aware of the faint throbbing pain in his mouth and then quickly comes the realization that there's still something in there and the fact that it doesn't feel like that iron device those men used to keep his mouth open or the drill they used to torture him with doesn't matter, because nothing matters in that moment except getting away from it.

The panic rising in his chest is paralyzing. His breathing is becoming more and more labored as the weight that seems to be pressing down on his chest continues to grow with each passing second. He struggles, or attempts to do so at least; in his half-conscious state he's not sure if he's actually moving at all. Where am I anyway? Deeks wonders. Am I even really awake?

He tries to raise his hand to pull away whatever is in his mouth and suddenly there's a lot of commotion around him.

Or maybe it was there all along and he just didn't notice it before.

Beeps. Voices. The place he's in is buzzing with activity and it is causing the pain in his head to make a comeback. Hands are on him, keeping him from moving any further, leaving him completely at their mercy.

So when the all-consuming darkness once again makes an appearance and tries to drag him back into it, he doesn't fight it. He willingly lets the sleep wash over him, hoping that it'll bring him some relief.

The last thing he remembers is a smaller and much softer hand than the ones that held him down before, softly squeezing his shoulder and a voice, whispering his name.

The second time he wakes up, he immediately knows where he is and how he came to be there, as if his mind has been puzzling that together while he was unconscious. He feels more alert than the last time he woke up in this hospital bed, a little calmer too when he notices that his mouth is free and there are no hands that try to keep him from moving.

He takes a few minutes to just lie there listening to the beeping of hospital machines. The images and memories of everything that happened before he was rescued are flowing around in his head, screaming for his attention. But he won't, he can't give them any attention. He can't think about what happened right now, not when he's still so confused and unsure about how he feels.

The sound of someone shifting, next to his bed, get's him back to reality and for a moment he panics. His breath hitches and his heart rate speeds up when he thinks about the possibility of somebody getting to him and forcing him to go through everything again.

'Deeks?'

His eyes fly open upon hearing that voice and he only vaguely takes in his surroundings before he looks around and his eyes fall on his partner.

They stare into each other's eyes for a long moment, without saying anything. Deeks reads in Kensi's eyes everything he too is feeling in that moment. Happiness, relief, fear, pain, anger, regret and a whole lot of other things Deeks isn't ready to give a name to.

'Hi', he croaks out, his mouth and throat feeling to dry and raw to say much more. 'Y'okay?'

Kensi shakes her head in disbelief and makes a sound that holds somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

'Are you okay?' Kensi asks him instead of answering his question. It would be pointless anyway, for she will only ever be okay if Deeks is okay.

'I d'know,' Deeks whispers after a few moments of silence.

Kensi nods, not really expecting Deeks to give her a better answer at this point. The way he is looking away from her and down at the white sheets of the hospital bed is making her heart ache and leaves her mind wishing for a solution, a way for her to take his pain away.

'Yeah, me neither, 'Kensi says without taking her eyes off of her partner.

The sadness, evident in her voice as well as Kensi's body language, is too much for Deeks to handle, so he lays back in the hospital bed and closes his eyes again.

'I- I should probably go get somebody to check up on you,' Kensi says hesitantly, worried about her partners physical condition but not wanting to leave him alone at the same time. He looks so tired and defeated and not knowing how she can make things better for him is killing her. She really wants to help him, wants to feel useful even though she doesn't know how.

'Kay,' Deeks answers, his eyes still closed.

'I'll be right back,' Kensi tells him as she stands up.

It takes Kensi only a minute to find a nurse who immediately goes to check on Deeks. While Kensi is waiting in the hallway outside of Deeks' room, she takes her phone out of her pocket and takes the opportunity to call Callen and inform him of the fact that Deeks has woken up.

'Kens, how is he?' Callen asks as soon as he answers her call.

'Awake,' Kensi tells him after a few moments of hesitation. 'I don't know Callen,' she sighs as she turns around to peek into the hospital room, where a nurse is examining her partner.

'It's a mess,' Callen doesn't specify what exactly he means by that, but he doesn't have to. This whole damn situation is messed up. And going by the tone of Callens voice, Kensi gathers that he feels exactly the same way as she does. Tired, guilty and helpless all mixed together with relief creating a very confusing cocktail of emotions.

'Yeah,' Kensi agrees with him. 'How's Sam? And Michelle?' Kensi asks him.

'Sam is okay, or he will be at least.'

'And Michelle? Do we know if her cover is still intact? We still have to find out about those bombs."

'Yeah, that's the thing; Michelle got a call from Sidorov about ten minutes ago.'

'What?! Why didn't you call me?'

'There's no hurry Kens; Sidorov left the country.'

Kensi frowns upon hearing that information, thinking she's missing something.

'How do you know that? And why would he do that? Wasn't it his plan to sell the bombs and take off with Michelle- Quinn- and disappear with the money?'

'I know Kens, but he just told Michelle that it's too to sell the bombs right now. He was going someplace else to lay low for a while and will contact her once he comes back.'

'And you believe his story?'

'No, I don't. but we have nothing else to go on and we can't find him anywhere; for all we know Sidorov really did leave.'

'Okay, Callen I got to go, the nurse just finished checking on Deeks.'

'All right, call me if there are any changes or if you guys need anything.'

'You got it,' and with that, Kensi hangs up the phone just as the friendly looking nurse leaves Deeks' room and closes the door behind her.

'Hi,' Kensi greets her. 'How is he?'

'As well as can be expected; Detective Deeks is recovering very well and with a little bit of luck he'll be out of here in a day or two.'

'Thank you,' Kensi offers the nurse a small smile.

'You're welcome,' the woman answers with a smile before walking away.

Kensi lets out a sigh of relief. He is going to be okay, he really is going to recover. A small wave of happiness washes over her as Kensi lets some of her worries go, but soon, too soon a little voice in the back of her head attracts her attention.

Physically he will be okay, but what about mentally? Is it even possible for someone to recover from this? The voice in her head goes on and on, questions start piling up and she has no answer to any of them. All she knows is that her partner got tortured. Tortured. Nobody deserves to go through something like that, especially Deeks.

Kensi tries to chase away the bad thoughts that entered her head and goes to see her partner, who seems to be a little more alert by now and is looking at her with his deep blue eyes.

'Hey, I talked to the nurse, she says that you're going to be fine.'

'Yeah, I am.' Deeks manages to smile a little, but it's still not very convincing to Kensi.

'Listen Deeks, I know you probably don't want to think about what happened right know, but I'm here.' Deeks doesn't respond and looks down at his hands instead, so Kensi goes on, needing him to know, needing him to understand that she will always have his back no matter what. 'When you're ready and need to talk about… anything, I'll be here, you can talk to me about anything.'

When he finally does look at her, the look in his eyes puzzles her. He seems not as confused and sad as he did when he just woke up, which is a good thing, but now Deeks looks almost skeptical, like he's doubting her words. Kensi doesn't like that idea; that her partner might think she wouldn't be comfortable discussing whatever it is that he feels he needs to talk about.

'What?' Kensi asks him, sounding a little more defensive than she'd like.

'I thought we didn't do that. Talking I mean. We never really have before.'

'We talk all the time Deeks,' Kensi is frowning at his words. 'Especially you. You talk to me all the time.' Kensi looks at her partner while waiting for a response and sees that Deeks has closed his eyes and is probably going back to sleep very soon.

Deeks manages a small smile at Kensi's statement that he tends to talk a lot. Which is true of course, but that's not what he meant and he knows that she knows it. Deeks recognizes what she is doing. He knows Kensi is an expert at avoiding conversations about the hard stuff.

Feelings and emotions.

Or their thing.

Deeks doesn't know if now is the right time to bring up what happened between them before… everything else. He only knows that he can't think about what was done to him and Sam right now. And he knows that in this moment, Kensi's guard is down and that this might be is only chance to get some sort of reaction out of her before she builds up her walls again.

'Then let's talk about what happened between us before you drove off on your motorcycle and I jumped in that pool to save Sam.'

'Maybe we shouldn't… not right now.' Kensi says after a long silence, she is already trying to find a way to get away from the unexpected turn this conversation has taken. She knows Deeks is right. She knows they never talk about this kind of thing and she knows that she is mostly to blame for it. But how can she possibly talk about what happened, about the fact that they kissed, when up until this point she has never even acknowledged the existence of something more than a friendship or partnership between them?

'S'okay Kens, forget I said anything.' Deeks expected Kensi to react like this so he handles the feeling of disappointment well. He doesn't blame her for not wanting to talk about it, because he knows enough about her past to understand why she is so guarded, so careful with showing emotions or talking about them.

Deeks is fighting very hard to stay awake at this point and he knows he can't, he shouldn't, hold on to consciousness much longer, but he needs to tell his partner one last thing before he goes back to sleep.

'Kens?'

'Yeah?'

'It wasn't a mistake.'

Kensi doesn't answer him, but he didn't expect her to.

It's clear that hours have passed since he went to sleep. The room he's in is different than the last and it is probably close to midnight, judging by the lack of light and sound both inside and outside the hospital. It is so quiet and peaceful that Deeks feels strangely out of place with his racing mind and messed up memories from earlier today.

Deeks looks around to take in his new surroundings and his eyes almost immediately meet Hetty's. She is sitting next to his bed, calmly waiting for him finish his observations. The absence of his partner he noticed right away, causing Deeks to feel slightly vulnerable. Kensi is his partner, his back-up, so when he's not with her he feels less safe, even though he knows that makes no sense. Especially since Hetty is with him now.

After finishing his thoughts, Deeks once again focuses on the operations manager, who opens her mouth to answer his unspoken question.

'I told your partner to go home, Mr. Deeks.'

'Uhuh, and she just... listened to you?'

'Of course she did.'

'Really?' Deeks' brow furrows in confusion. 'That's not like her.'

'I told Ms. Blye I would come for her with my letter opener if she didn't go home to get some rest.'

'Works every time,' Deeks says and to Hetty's delight, a soft smile appears on the bruised and beaten face of her liaison officer.

'Yes it does Mr. Deeks.'

They fall into a slightly uncomfortable silence after that. Well, Deeks finds it uncomfortable at least, but he's pretty sure Hetty doesn't feel uncomfortable in any situation, ever. He wants to tell Hetty about what got him through the hours of torture he had to endure, wants to tell her that it was thinking about his partner that eventually made him strong enough, made him fight harder against the pain that was trying to consume him. He wants Hetty to know that her note- sunshine and gunpowder- was what reminded him of the one thing in his life he would do absolutely everything for. Deeks feels like he wants to say a lot of things but he's not sure how to express his feelings when his head is as messy as it is in that moment.

'Thanks for the note Hetty,' he eventually whispers without looking directly at her, 'it helped.'

The woman sitting at his bedside just smiles and grabs his hand to squeeze it lightly, before letting go and telling him to go back to sleep.

Thank you for reading, I really hope you enjoyed it! Leave a review and let me know?!