DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine! *Shock horror* I wish they were, and if they were I wouldn't make the book like this story. I'm feeling REALLY angsty. Oh, and the AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL song is by the Smashing Pumpkins. It's called Disarm, if you don't own it, YOU SHOULD.
This is Slash, you no like, don't read. Actually do. It might broaden your puny mind.
I Only Bleed For You
"Please do it to me again Harry…please…" breathed Draco.
Harry looked down at Draco and took a sharp breath in. Draco had a large slash across his naked chest and small cuts on the insides of his wrists. Harry pressed his fingers onto the cut on Draco's chest and Draco hissed in pain. Harry lightly trailed the razor down the side of Draco's face, careful not to break the skin. He kissed the cut on Draco's chest, keeping eye contact with him the entire time. Then, he pulled the razor down Draco's shoulder and two tears began to run down Draco's face.
"Make me better Harry" Draco gasped.
So Harry took Draco in his arms and they lay holding each other until Draco fell asleep. Harry carefully untangled himself from Draco's arms so that he wouldn't wake him up and went to sit by the window. He pulled himself up onto the ledge and looked at the stars. They were normally so bright, so spectacular. Tonight it looked as though they were drowning in the inky-blackness of the sky.
He and Draco had been together for 15 months now. It had started simply enough, but now, Harry and Draco had become more intense with each other. No one knew about them. That would be bad enough, but more importantly no one knew what they did to each other. In private. The only reason it had started was because Draco had walked in on Harry one day, when Harry had just cut himself on the forearm.
*Flashback*
"Draco!" Harry exclaimed as he pulled his sleeve over his arm, but he knew that Draco had already seen. Instead of crying out, Draco simply walked over to Harry and pulled up Harry's sleeve.
"You didn't tell me it was this bad Harry," he whispered.
"I didn't mean…I have to…" Harry began, but then took a sharp breath in as Draco placed his mouth over the cut.
"You like this Harry?" he murmured.
Harry moaned in response. Draco stepped away and picked up the razor, which still had Harry's blood on the tip. He pulled up his sleeve and cut down his arm.
"Me too."
*END FLASHBACK*
That's what had started it. And now…now it seemed that whenever the made love now, they had to do it.
Harry had started cutting himself after Cedric died. Although he knew that it wasn't his fault, he still had something inside himself that felt dead. He felt like he'd lost a part of himself, and one day when his family were out of the house, he had been making himself a sandwich and had accidentally cut himself. He had winced in pain but he was also amazed by all of these new feelings. By the intensity of the moment. And so now he felt alive, especially when he was with Draco.
//Disarm you with a smile,
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you.
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn//
"Harry get down."
Harry looked up and saw that Draco was standing by the window with his arms clutched to his chest. Draco watched as Harry climbed down, and as soon as he had, Draco crossed the room and took Harry into his arms.
" I had a dream that you jumped out of the window. That you didn't say goodbye and then they wouldn't let me come with you," he whispered, his voice shaking. " I woke up and you weren't next to me, and u saw you at the window, and I thought that you were going to jump. My heart died then Harry."
Harry and Draco stood holding each other for hours and Draco could feel Draco's dried blood pushing against his chest. Harry loved these moments. Being held, being loved without saying a word. And now, having his own room meant that he and Draco never had to worry about interruptions.
"I want you to make love to me Harry" said Draco sincerely. "Without…with just us. No bleeding, no pain. Just us.
And they did.
Afterwards they just lay looking into each other's eyes, holding hands. And for the first time in a long time, Harry felt whole. He knew that it wasn't forever, but he felt whole without having to cut himself to do it.
"Am I a killer Draco?" he asked.
"WHAT?" Draco asked, with a hitch in his voice.
"You never told me if you blamed me for…Cedric, for your father. For anything."
"Harry. Just go to sleep, ok?"
"But…"
"Not now Harry." Draco cut off Harry and Harry felt his words cut into him. Draco rolled over onto his back and let go of Harry's hand.
"Is this why you do this to me? For revenge?"
"I do it because I love you Harry."
Harry didn't push him any further. He slept.
//I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you.
My Love
I send this smile over to you//
Harry woke, and Draco was gone, He didn't need to be, it was a Saturday but Harry pushed the thoughts aside as he got up for a shower. He scrubbed hard at his body til he felt raw, making sure that every trace of blood was gone. Harry got dressed and walked over to his window and looked over the grounds. He was surprised to see Draco standing, staring at his window. Harry smiled and waved and Draco waved back. He then motioned for Harry to follow him outside.
He did.
"Tell me" Draco said quietly.
"What?" Harry asked, taken by surprised.
" I want to know, about… fourth year. What happened with Cedric. And after that, in…" Draco's voice cracked, " When you killed… my father. Tell me about it. I want to know. I deserve to."
So Harry did.
He sat on the edge of the Forbidden Forest with Draco and talked about Cedric, and about seeing his parents.
"And then I had to leave. They left me here. Again. Alone. My mum, Dad, Cedric…everyone."
Harry's voice broke as he started to cry, even harder this time. The sobs wracking his whole body so that he could barely speak. Draco went to put an arm around Harry's shoulder, but Harry moved away when he tried.
" They left me here Draco. I got to see them again to have them vanish. I wanted to die, to go with them. And I'm left here. In denial. Trying to separate and understand all of these emotions. I'm bitter. And I'm alone. And I try so hard to let people near me again, but I'm too scared that I'll lose someone else. I NEVER got to be a boy, and I'm not ready to be a man. And I don't want to be. I cut myself because I'm not whole. Because through all of this I have to smile. I don't want to tell anyone that I feel like I died so long ago. And I wanted to."
With that Harry fell to the ground.
"I killed your father Draco" Harry whispered. "And every night that I'm with you I want to die. Because you are the one person hat I stay alive for, and I took away what you loved most."
Harry stood up and began to walk away.
" I know you must hate me, but I want so much for you to love me. But I know about the hating. I hate me too."
All Draco could do was to watch as Harry walked towards the school, and then disappeared from sight.
//Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the year's burn
Ooh, the year's burn, burn, burn//
******
Harry lay in bed that night, crying silently as he cut up his arm with a penknife. He'd lost his parents, boyfriend and now all he wanted to do was lose his life. Then he felt two arms slide over him and fingers pull the penknife from his hand.
"You aren't alone Harry. I don't hate you and I don't blame you. I…love you. You disarmed me with your smile and took me away. I only bleed for you."
They lay there til they fell asleep and Draco didn't let go of Harry all night.
//I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
An what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My Love
I send this smile over to you//
******
Harry sat at the Gryffindor table with Hermione and Ron, anxiously awaiting for he mail to arrive.
*Flashback*
"A present? When? I want it now!"
"A week Harry. In the mail. You'll love it."
*END FLASHBACK*
Finally, mail arrived. A black owl swooped down and dropped a small black parcel into Harry's hands before flying off. Harry looked over at the Slytherin table and saw Draco smile at him anxiously. He mouthed something that looked like open it, so Harry did.
He slowly undid the Green ribbon and was careful not to rip the paper. Inside was a red and gold box with a slip of parchment on the top. Harry opened it and read,
Harry,
I only bleed for you, but we don't have to bleed forever.
Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a art of you
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn.
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?
Te killer in me is the killer in you.
My Love
I send this smile over to you
Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy suppose to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My Love
I send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you.
I wrote that for you after…the Forest. Stupid really. I kept debating with myself whether to give it to you. This is for when you need it. Bleed for me.
My Love.
Draco
Harry opened the box and inside was a knife that was decorated with emeralds on the hilt, with a pure silver blade. Engraved on the blade was
'I Love You' on one side and 'You Complete Me' on the other. On the handle, between the emeralds was 'I bleed for you, so bleed for me too.'
Harry held the knife tenderly and kept turning it over in his hands, but was careful not to let anyone see it. He rose from the table and walked out of the Hall, aware that Draco was following him. He walked up to his room and sat on the windowsill, waiting for Draco to come. He soon heard the click of the door handle and felt Draco come up behind him.
"You like it then I take it"
"It's perfect." Harry whispered. "I can't stop doing this yet Draco. Don't try to be my Saviour."
"I know. I just…when you do, I'll be here. I'm always here."
" I know"
" I had that dream again Harry, where you jumped. This time you woke me up first and you plunged that knife into my wrists before falling, but I couldn't fall."
Harry smiled a sad smile and slid off the sill to the floor so he could put his arms around Draco's waist. He then trailed the knife over Draco's robes.
"Cut you like you want me to"
He pulled away and put the knife on the ledge,
"What I choose is my choice."
He leant over and kissed Draco full on the lips and whispered,
"Make love to me"
So they did.
Afterwards they held each other until Harry got up and picked up the knife and crawled back into bed. He cut into his palm, before cutting into Draco's and then he pushed them together.
"I only bleed for you," he whispered while he kissed Draco's palm. He put the knife on his dresser and then took Draco into his arms.
"What's a boy supposed to do? The killer in me is the killer in you. My Love"
Draco sighed against Harry and made sure that their hands were clasped.
"You won't let go?" Harry asked.
"Not of you Harry. Not ever"
THE END