I Fall To Pieces

"Are you sure you don't want to come in, Nathan? We could open a bottle of wine and enjoy it in front of the fireplace. It would be nice."

Jordan's smile hinted at something more than sharing a bottle and a fire.

"I'm sorry, Jordan. Not tonight. I'm really feeling wiped out. Coming back from the dead is more exhausting than it looks. Rain check?"

Nathan smiled at Jordan in what he hoped was a convincing display of regret. Curling up on the couch in front of a fire with Jordan was out of the question when the only thing on his mind was Audrey and how little time she had left here in Haven. It's undercut by the guilt he'd been feeling for what he was doing to Jordan. He hadn't yet decided if she or The Guard in general, represented a threat to Audrey. He still needed the information that he believed Jordan could provide, but he was beginning to question his methods.

"Well, if you're sure…"

The way Jordan left the sentence hanging let Nathan know that she was hoping he'd change his mind.

"I'm sure. I really do need to get some rest. We may have stopped the bolt gun killer, but Haven still has its share of Troubles. "

They both smiled awkwardly at Nathan's attempt at humor.

"All right, Nathan. Good night."

Jordon's hand was on the doorknob but her body was still turned toward Nathan, the look on her face hopeful. Briefly, Nathan brushed her cheek with the back of his hand, before dropping it to his side and backing away.

"Good night, Jordan. Sleep well."

The dark haired woman turned reluctantly and entered her house, closing the door behind her. Nathan breathed a sigh of relief and got in his truck.

In spite of what he had told Jordan, Nathan found himself driving up through the middle of town rather than toward home. A cassette stuck out of his tape deck; as he pushed it into place he was rewarded with the dulcet tones of "Sweet Dreams" by Ms. Patsy Cline.

"Sweeeeet dreams of you / dreams I know can't come true "

When he reached the cemetery, Nathan pulled over and stopped the truck. He liked to come here to think. Sometimes he sat on the bench in front of the giant tree at the heart of the cemetery. Other times he simply stayed in his truck, listening to music and letting his mind wander. This was one of the latter.

Patsy began singing "I Fall to Pieces", his mother's favorite. Nathan could remember walking in from school to the sound of her singing along with the radio in the kitchen. His mother had had a nice voice. Then again, as a little boy who worshiped his mother, he probably wasn't the best judge.

In his eyes, his mother could do no wrong. Until she left him. Well, not left really. But though she hadn't walked out, her death had, at the time, felt like a betrayal. His mother had loved him unconditionally and lavishly; she kissed his scrapes and bruises, praised his accomplishments, and hugged him often. She was the only person in his young life who ever said "I love you."

Then she died, leaving him alone with The Chief. Things changed. A lot.

The Chief was a good man; he'd done his best. He'd loved Nathan, in his own way.

In light of what he now knew about the Chief and his struggle to keep Haven together figuratively and literally - Nathan had a greater respect for the man.

While his Trouble rendered Nathan incapable of physical feeling, he still experienced emotion - anger, confusion, doubt, compassion, happiness. Growing up with a father like Garland Wuornos he learned quickly that emotional displays would not be tolerated. The Chief had no patience for a little boy who cried himself to sleep because he missed his mother.

When Duke and his friends had stuck tacks in Nathan's back, the principal had called Garland to come and pick up his son. During the drive back to the station (it was the middle of a work day) Nathan had been told " Adversity builds character." So Nathan stopped crying, stopped expecting his father to show him he loved him, and he locked his heart away.

Until the day Audrey Parker arrived in Haven and almost went over a cliff.

Nathan knew the people of Haven thought him completely unfeeling. Some of them probably thought that made him a better cop, like a mechanical soldier you could wind up, send out to handle a situation, and then put back in a box.

Audrey Parker was different. She accepted his trouble as part of him, but did not allow it to define him. This gave Nathan the freedom to do the same, to begin to think he could live a "normal" life. It gave him the courage to try and forge a relationship with Jess which, though it ended badly, was a step he would not have taken before Audrey Parker came into his life.

Now he was going to lose her. For 27 years. And he still hadn't told her he loved her. He was too damned afraid she might not love him back. He had lived without love for a long time; he could handle that. He was afraid he could not handle Audrey's rejection. What if he told her how he felt only to discover she thought of him only as a partner and a friend? That she could never be in love with him.

His mind drifted to Colorado; Audrey and Duke had been there for several days. Nathan knew Duke, knew how he was with women, and how women were with him. Though he was almost sure Audrey wasn't dazzled by the smuggler's charm, she did seem to trust him more than Nathan would have liked.

Clearly Audrey considered Duke a friend. Nathan didn't think there was more to it than that but how could he be sure? After all, she had taken Duke with her to Colorado, and tonight she had seemed eager, almost desperate, to tell Nathan what had transpired there. He had thought she was referring to the information she had discovered about James Cogan, but maybe there was more, maybe something had happened between her and Duke -something she felt she needed to share with him.

"No!"

Saying it out loud helped because he could not, would not accept the possibility that Audrey had found comfort, perhaps even love, in Duke's arms. It had been hard enough when he had to watch her with Chris. Losing her to Duke Crocker might drive Nathan to murder, or, more likely, back inside his shell.

"Hypocritical, don't you think, Wuornos? Considering all the time you've been spending with Jordan?"

Nathan had to admit to himself he wouldn't have been nearly as understanding if roles were reversed - if, for instance, Audrey were seeing a member of the guard in order to obtain information. The thought of her kissing another man, any man, was maddening. The idea that she would be doing it for "good reasons" as he told himself he was doing with Jordan, would not make it easier to swallow.

These thoughts brought him back to Jordan. Nathan was sure she had strong feelings for him and he was leading her to believe he might feel the same. It was one thing to mislead or even lie to a suspect when you're sure they've done something wrong. Deliberately playing with the affections of someone who might be completely innocent was different, and in Nathan's mind, morally objectionable. The fact that he was doing it to protect Audrey didn't make it more palatable.

Nathan knew Audrey wasn't comfortable with the idea either. In fact, after Halloween night in that horror of a house, he was pretty sure she was angry, and more than a little hurt by it. While that had given him momentary hope regarding her feelings for him, it didn't give him pleasure to cause her pain.

He knew better than most what it was like not to be able to feel the touch of another person. While Jordan's Trouble was different, it amounted to the same thing. Physical human contact was a powerful force. There had been a time when he had wondered if his attraction to Audrey was less about love and more about need. He supposed it was much the same for Jordan and it was this need he was exploiting. He felt guilty about it but not guilty enough to stop. Not yet. Not until he knew more about the Guard and what they wanted with Audrey.

The cassette switched to one of Nathan's least favorites, something light and silly about a love triangle. Nathan hit fast forward. Triangles were something he did not want to be thinking about right now. Or ever.

Nathan was having difficulty keeping his eyes open and he knew he needed to sleep. He cranked the Bronco and backed out, leaving the cemetery and his jumbled thoughts behind.

Getting back on the road, Nathan began driving aimlessly in the general direction of nowhere, while singing along with Patsy. He didn't have his mother's voice but he had her enthusiasm.

"Oh the wayward wind / is a restless wind / a restless wind that yearns to wander."

Without realizing it, Nathan found himself pulling up to the Gull. Looking up at the darkened windows of Audrey's apartment, he wondered what she was doing right now. Was she tossing in her bed? Dreaming? Having nightmares about The Hunter and what it meant for her?

Was she thinking of him?

"She's sleeping, Wuornos. Go home."

As Patsy began "Walking After Midnight" Nathan followed the advice in his head, and turned the Bronco toward home.

"I go out walkin' / after midnight / out in the moonlight / just hopin' you will be

somewhere a walkin' / after midnight / searchin' for me"