Every Mentally Sane Girl's Guide to Baby –sitting a Norse God.

a/n : so I'm back ! Ehehe. My imagination is kicking in again. xD

btw, sorry for the extremely long title, I couldn't think of any short titles to fit my story.

Unbeta'd and all mistakes belong to me. All the outrageousness of this story too.
I don't own Loki nor any Marvel-related things in my story, I only own my OC and the plot.

Enjoy reading EMSGGBNG !
Warning : contains some peanuts and strong languages, I advice those who are sensitive with flowery words should stay away from this story and pretend that you never came across it.

If symptoms do persist, please consult your mental advisor.

Chapter 1 : Oh hell no.

It was already eleven in the evening when a huge chunk of rain came pouring down, it was to be expected anyway since the morning and the afternoon before that was awfully hot, the kind of hot in which you'd be sweating all over the place, drooling over a new Gucci male calendar model, and the kind of hot that made your pits cry out sweat too , yeah, it was that kind of hot.

I stood up from the computer, taking a break from my nightly regime, that is, staying up late most of the time scrolling down my tumblr dashboard and squealing over new pictures of my delicious husband, Tom. Heh, okay, I was kinda exaggerating that a bit, but it's not like every sixteen year old like me gets to meet him anyway, so basically, it's in our nature to presume or pretend, so to speak, that this one hell of a sexy man was our husband. Tom Hiddleston is practically partly responsible for every woman's sexual frustration, and I wasn't ashamed to admit that I, Patricia Page, was one of them.

The internet connection was awfully slow too, so I guessed that it might be a sign for me to stand up and get my lazy ass off of the chair. There were several things that I still had to prepare for tonight, first was I had to go and replace my water jug with fresh water ( yes, it's tap water if you're wondering) and place it in the freezer, I preferred to chug down cold beverages when I'm feeling thirsty. Second, I was going to choose my gym outfit for tomorrow, and choose an extra shirt and bra for me to change into right after I was finished working out. Hey, my body doesn't burn fat on it's own you know, and if I was going to eat a lot of good food this summer, then I'd have to make up for it by regularly working out, even if it meant having muscle pains and what not. Last but not the least, I was going to prepare my fare for tomorrow's transport fee, and then I'd place it all inside my plain(but comfy) backpack and set it on top of our family's living room couch. Most of the time, I tend to be really forgetful, so I set things in place by preparing them early, I refuse to bathe in shame for a simple mistake, like for instance, a good example of this would be foolishly forgetting my change of shirt and bra and then I'd have to go all the way home, avoiding people like they had some sort of virus, just so I could save myself from the shame of smelling like an old and unwashed pair of gym socks (and by which I also happened to experience the summer before, and trust me, it wasn't great at all).

And so, as I made my way back to my room, content that I'd finished preparing everything in place when suddenly, a huge and loud boom scared the -pardon my next words, living shit, out of me (you'll get used to my choice of flowery words sooner or later). I nearly choke out a scream but thinking that waking my parents in the dead of the night, wasn't probably a good idea since I'd plan to be all discreet and quiet like a ninja, so I held it there, stuck in my throat, I'd save it for some scary shit later. My parents would flip like hell knowing that I was still wide awake, tip-toeing my way all over the hall when I already gave them the impression that I was already fast asleep and tucked away in my favorite night jammies and in my favorite Avengers blanky (and no, I will not tell you that I'd bought it on sale last Christmas, and that I furiously fucking fought my way out of the bloody hell of a crowd if you ask me, and it was not a pretty sight, I tell you.)

Thinking that it might be a tree that fell down, probably because of a huge gush of wind, I continued my way back into my room. I checked my computer again, and found myself disappointed that I was never going to enjoy my night, knowing that my internet connection was crawling like a turtle, just like our previous pet, Ba-o (don't ask me about the name, I don't have anything to do with it.) who crawled for probably .0001 miles per second, and no I wasn't exaggerating the last part, he later died though, and it was very very tragic. My (insert sarcasm here.) oh-so angelic dad , decided that Ba-o's pail (Or home bucket which I liked to call.) needed some good ole' cleaning and so he moved him into a large aluminum basin. And on the very same tragic day, the temperature was hotter compared to the usual, but my dad forgot filling up the aluminum basin with water and he also absent-mindedly left it out under the heat of the sun out on our open backyard, so I'm guessing that you all probably knew what happened next. Given with my already deep sun-fried turtle, (I'm sorry this might sound absolutely gory, skip this part if you hold onto some animal feels) my dad was freaking out, he didn't want to make his lil' girl cry,(And that girl was me of course.), so he did the unthinkable, he scraped the dead turtle(ew) out of it's shell, and threw it onto God knows where. (I feel like crying again.), and left the remaining shell out in the open, he thought that he could deceive me somehow, since I'd spent most of my childhood watching either Bugs Bunny or Looney toons, and other famous classic cartoons. Assuming that I had the mentality that turtles wore their shells like normal clothing, just like in the ones in the cartoons, he was pretty confident that I wouldn't find out, but nooo, I did find out though. Once, I'd read a book that showed an illustration, showing a turtle's spine connected to the shell itself. And given with the gruesome situation, I cried my eyes out, and for days, I locked myself in my room, watching anything but cartoons and never not talked to my dad. He pretty much deserved it though. My dad was pretty much was responsible for the numerous deaths of my pets throughout my entire life (unintentionally though but yeah) and so, I decided that if I wanted to save my future pets from the brink of death (which was my dad itself) I'd have to drop the idea of taking care of one,(I had to admit, I suck at taking care of them though.) so there you have it, an inside-exclusive view at my horrific pets' pasts.

Okay, enough with my past childhood pet tragedies, where was I ? Oh yeah, so, with the net connection all slow and all, I decided that it might be best to shut the computer down and might as well hit the sack early, since I'd be an early riser tomorrow. But before hitting the sack, I made sure to lock my room's door first before taking all of my clothes down, I liked to sleep only with my panties on since my room temperature could might as well pass as that of a Siberian desert's already, even with the rain all pouring down.

Putting some blanket over my semi-nude body (I didn't want to be responsible for anyone living in the house having a heart attack.), I shut the light switch off with my slipper and off I went into Lala-land.

My phone vibrated mercilessly, waking me up a little bit. I stopped the alarm feature that indicated that it was already four A.M sharp, early in the morning. I groaned a little bit before closing my eyes for a few minutes, I still hadn't enjoyed the idea of waking early in the morning. The gravitational pull off my bed was so strong, but I managed to swing my legs up and sit my self right into the edge of the bed. I rubbed my eyes a few times before adjusting to the dark surroundings of my room. I groggily stood up and faced my bed, I folded the Avengers blanket neatly on top of my pillow before grabbing a red and thick cotton bath robe to hide my nudeness. I grabbed my shampoo and conditioner (I didn't trust the shampoo and conditioner thieves in our house, I would always find my bottle half-empty whenever I'd leave it inside our bathroom.) before heading out of my room. When I got outside, I was welcomed by an eerily dark hallway that faced our family living room and lead to our dining room and kitchen at the end of the hall. Walking in my worn-out slippers, I slowly made my way to the bathroom, just before the kitchen. Once I got inside, I placed the shampoo and conditioner on top of the sink before heading out again, I turned the pitcher-shaped water heater on and soon found myself almost slipping on a small container of mini-ice cream cup on the floor. I examined it suspiciously, who would leave something like that lying out on the floor so irresponsibly ? I slowly bent down and picked it up before throwing it onto the non-biodegradable bin my mother sorted out for us. My mom was very keen on waste management so we had no other choice rather than to follow her orders, we called her the "General" of our house. Once I finished throwing the cup, I lazily opened the fridge, only to find my leftover Champorado missing. I frowned for a while, my asshole brother must have eaten it again in the middle of the night, I decided that I'd deal with him later. Sighing, I closed the fridge in frustration, there was nothing good to eat. I groaned at thought of having instant oatmeal drink as my temporary breakfast again. I grabbed the instant sachet from the cupboard and ripped it, dropping it's contents onto my favorite Captain America mug. I poured a small amount of hot water in it, and added some cold water after. I stirred it's contents. When the drink was thoroughly mixed, I took a small sips from it. And right on time, just as I was finished chugging all the drink down, the water heater hissed violently before automatically turning itself off. I slowly filled my used cup with water before placing it on top of the kitchen sink. I slowly got the water heater and pulled the plug out before draining all of it's hot contents out onto bath-tub and once it was all poured out, I slowly lifted the faucet, on, making cold water run onto the tub, slowly filling it to it's brim. I never quite liked the idea of taking a cold bath early in the morning, I mean, seriously, the morning air itself was already damn cold, why bathe in cold water too ? Putting the heater back on it's rightful place, I went inside the bathroom and clicked the lock shut. Slowly unwrapping myself out of the robe, I slowly tip-toed my way onto the tub, dipping a small portion of my right foot to test if the water temperature was okay. Satisfied, I slowly went in and bathed my self in peace.

When I was finished bathing, I unplugged the tub drain before stepping out. The cold air chilled me to my bones, and I quickly wrapped my robe tighter around me, my hair was still damp but nevertheless, it was okay since it was wrapped in a towel. Making my way back to the room, I quickly shut the door lock in place before doing all my daily feminine rituals. If I wasn't born with any jaw-dropping beauty then I might as well have some good personal hygiene right ? It was the least I can do for myself. I was just a plain person, nothing really special, but sometimes, people would compliment my eyes, sure, I didn't have any special eye color though, it was just plain black, like deep raven black, there wasn't even any hint of brown present to it . But it was their exotic shape and thick lashes that had people going. I also knew that I possessed some slight Asian eye shape though I had double eye-lids to pair with them and I was thankful for that. They were also framed by a thick set of heavy dark lashes that pretty much didn't need any swipe of mascara on them anymore, plus, I was going for the natural look anyways. Some guys would even compliment me about my eyes and that made me feel good somehow. My biggest insecurity was my nose, though it wasn't large, bumpy or awfully wide, It was slightly flat compared to a regular nose, and I also didn't possess any prominent bridge at all, which made it worse, making my nose appear slightly prominent, though it was only second to my eyes, and I was also thankful for that too. I also had a skin texture that wasn't really exactly the same as a newborn baby's. Hey, what do you expect ? Ever since I'd entered the adolescent age, things were more harder than they usually were, all these raging female hormones, the monthly periods, huge cravings and out-of-hand appetites weren't really a flattering bundle at all.

I'd already finished fixing myself, and I slipped on into a pair of jogging pants and a v-neck t-shirt as my gym outfit for the day. I unlocked the door, and went out of my room. As I slowly walked my way towards the hall, I heard a faint noise coming from above. And as I slowly got nearer to the kitchen, the noise slightly grew louder. I stopped at my tracks and listened more carefully. The noise had come from above, my future in-the-making room. I slowly made my way towards the stairs in a few small steps. One step at a time, I tried to not make any sound as I made my way up a single flight of stairs. Reaching the top floor, I found some mud tracks on the floor that lead to the door of my future room. I panicked for a moment, thinking that a burglar might be present at my house, I thought of calling out to my parents but by judging the painful grunts coming from the other side of the door, I was guessing that the intruder might be injured. I glanced around and it was good thing that the place was still slightly messy, so metal pieces and poles were scattered all around. Grabbing a nearby metal pole, I slowly and quietly walked towards the door, the pole within my grasps as I took a defensive stance while walking towards the door. The grunts were now louder, and each grunt made my heart beat faster with fear and anticipation, I grasped the metal tighter with my right hand as I slowly pushed the door open with my left hand, it was a good thing that the temporary door wasn't locked and I figured that the intruder might have forgotten to lock it out of haste and so I continued to slowly open it.

I found myself nearly fainting at what I saw.

Tom Hiddleston was in the room in clad metal armor and leather clothing that I quickly recognized to which character he portrayed, belonged to . He was on the old wooden bed, leaning on the wall, and his left hand seemed to be tightly clutching his right arm. He seemed to be in great pain as his face seemed to look really really pale, his raven black hair was a mess, and he was slightly sweating too . I clutched the metal in my right hand tightly, afraid that it might fall and crash on the floor, thus causing a huge noise that would result in awakening every living person in the house. I clamped my other free left hand over my mouth, still in great shock at what I saw.

Tom- no, Loki – no, Tom , I had no idea who he was exactly at the moment, looked up and faced me in a grim expression. He didn't smile or anything. He just simply stared at me. And I would definitely recognize that expression and what it'd mean.

This man absolutely wasn't Tom Hiddleston. Sure, Tom could act greatly but this face showed nothing of the Tom Hiddleston I knew in , Movies and Interviews. Tom could never send me this chilling vibe. I was sure of that. And why would Tom appear out of nowhere, when in fact, he is recently filming his latest movie right now, and I was definitely sure that it wasn't anything Marvel-related in any way.

Nope, this man, looking at me right now, wasn't definitely and absolutely not Tom Hiddleston.

This man was Loki.

Loki Laufeyson was in my house.

I had an internal scream going on my head. My fangirling seemed to lose control. And why wouldn't it be ? For heaven's sake ! Loki is in my house ! He is on my brother's goddamn old wooden bed, and he is goddamn sitting across in front of me. And he is goddamn making my ovaries explode with both sexual and mental frustration.

And just as I was about to open my mouth, to say something, he gave me a very mischievous grin. I quickly closed my mouth and tensed.

Fuck a duck.

He is real.

Shitty shit shit.

Loki is real.