"Hanamichi," Youhei says curiously, pulling up a chair and sitting opposite me.  "spill."

"Nani?" I ask, question marks in my eyes, though in my heart I know perfectly well what he wants to ask me.

"Spill," he repeats, with a slight smile of relief printed on his face. "tell me...about what happened yesterday."

I look down uneasily, uncertain of where to start.  Or how to start.

"And tell me...what all that running away was about." Youhei trails off.

I look up and stare at Youhei worriedly, then frown in frustration.  Questions.  People will have questions, and I will have to know how to answer them, I tell myself.

But I know that I need to tell Youhei the truth.  The understanding in his eyes tells me that much.  It's a comfort to know that he can help me, that he's there.  My frown slowly disappears and I sigh deeply.

"Youhei..." I begin softly after sucking in a deep breath of fresh air.  "he wakes up..and suddenly..everything's all right again..."

I can see Youhei smiling knowingly, a mature type of knowing smile that comforts me by making me believe that everything happening to me is somehow well within the boundaries of expectation.

"I said..so many things...." I continue, automatically closing my eyes. "things that I...that I hate myself for...

"and he heard them all..."

That familiar "Do'aho" rings in my ears.  And now I feel like that tiny phrase carries magic in itself, the same magic contained within the depths of his ice blue eyes or in the spellbinding echoes of his every movement, simply - his magic.  

"I told him the truth..." my voice has changed to some kind of barely audible whisper.  Maybe I just can't take this burning shame inside me.  "and he heard me..."

I can feel Youhei watching me, making his observations and thinking his analytical thoughts.  He doesn't reply yet.

"But it doesn't matter..." I comfort myself aloud, my voice now louder, more high-spirited and confident.  "as long as he's back.  As long as he's here."

"You're scared." Youhei concludes.

I open my eyes and look back at him questioningly, waiting for his explanation.

"You're scared," he repeats doubtlessly, shifting his position on the chair.  "because you love him."

My eyes widen about two inches now, the shock hitting me with the impact of a boulder to a sheet of glass.  This comes as a complete surprise to me.

Nani? ..even Youhei can see that..that I love him? Is it that obvious?

"...B-bakame!" I stutter loudly, practically jumping back from the table in denial.  "What..w-what are you talking about?"

A remotely amused laugh plays on Youhei's lips.

"You need him." he says, raising his eyebrows as if saying, 'there's no use in denying the truth'.

"Ha!" I attempt to laugh sarcastically, my cheeks burning and probably reddening too. "Me, Tensai Sakuragi, would need that baka kitsune? You...you must be k-kidding!"

Youhei only shakes his head and sighs, smiling in amusement.

"You know yourself best," I hear him say. "you can try and hide it from us, but you can't hide it from yourself."

At this point I look down and away from Youhei, realizing how right he is.  I do need him.  I do...love him.  And I am scared.

"Maa, Hanamichi," Youhei continues quickly, sighing heavily and standing up next to me.  "in need of him or not, you're back, and that's all that matters right now...!"

I nod in agreement and grin, forcing myself to bury and seal all thoughts of kitsune at the back of my mind.  And to ease this awkwardness inside me I let out a loud, high-pitched laugh - well, more like a cackle I suppose - that further confirms the fact that I am back again as my old self.

We begin strolling down the crowded corridor, to where, I'm not sure.

"Ano, Youhei...where are we going?" I ask, glancing over at Youhei.

"You're going to play some basketball." he answers firmly.

I stop in my footsteps immediately.

"Youhei.." I stammer.

"Hanamichi," he sighs, pulling me along insistently.  "he's back now, why is it so hard for you to play?"

"Because..." I choke, pulling back in uncertainty.

"I can understand your reasons for not playing when he was...you know...not here," he reasons.  "that would be torture..."

It was, I think.  But...it still is.

"But now he's back, so what's the problem with playing again?"

"I don't..." I begin shakily, to be interrupted by Youhei in mid-sentence.

"Face it, Hanamichi - you want to play basketball."

We stop abruptly and he stares straight at me with such a fiery determination in his eyes that I'm forced to admit that deep down inside, I really do love basketball.  But I don't say a word or move a muscle.

"You know and I know that you want to play - you want to play more than ever.  So go.  Go and play." Youhei tells me.

I look down and away from the persistent and challenging determination in Youhei's eyes. 

"You don't understand.." I whisper, shaking my head reluctantly.  "I don't want to...to see...him...to face him..."

Youhei's eyes soften slightly upon the escaping of these words from my mouth.

"You can't just run away from this, Hanamichi," Youhei tells me, his voice gentler and quieter now.  "you can't just run away from this forever.  You have to face it."

"But.." I object weakly.

"I know you're scared.  But..you know, you can't be scared forever."

I know Youhei's right.  But somehow, I'm still scared.  Scared because he might feel disgusted, repelled, by how much I need him.  Scared because I might love him.  Even more scared because he might not love me back.

Iie.  I know for a fact - that he doesn't love me back.

And that's what scares me the most.

And I wish you knew that, Youhei.  I wish you understood why I'm so hopelessly scared of playing basketball, of facing him.  I wish you understood.

I shake my head.

"Youhei..." I whisper.

But before I can even finish my sentence or realize what is happening, Youhei's already shoving me along the corridor towards the gym.

"WAHHHHHH!!!" I scream, flinging my arms desperately.  "TATSUKETE!! LET ME GO!!"

"Here." Youhei announces, pushing me forcefully into the gym, and towards the echoes of raised voices throughout the vast recesses of the hall.

"Minna!" Youhei calls out to the numerous backs facing me, holding me back by the collar with one hand and gesturing in my direction with the other.  "Sakuragi's here!"

I suddenly feel like punching Youhei in the face, but some type of shock renders me motionless when I see everyone turn to face me, eyes widened in surprised, unprepared, and somewhat unnerving silence.  Megane-kun, Gori, Ryocchin, Micchy, Yasuda, and all the rest – they all have their eyes on me, as if they're not sure what to say or do.

I catch a glimpse of Haruko-san nearby, standing speechless aside her two friends, questions in their eyes.

There's someone else in the hall.  In the centre of the hall.  Standing silent and motionless, staring into me with glinting eyes as deep as the ocean, eyes with a vague hint of weariness, eyes that I could recognize anywhere.

It's him.  He's here.  ...Rukawa.

Why is he here?  He shouldn't be here.  He's not ready for basketball.  Is he?

Oh god, I think, make the ground swallow me up.  Get me out of here.

I cough nervously and turn to make a run for the doors once again, forgetting Youhei's persisting grip on my collar.  But this time more than one hand latches onto my shoulder to pull me back.

"Not so fast, Sakuragi!" Mitsui and Ryota chide in unison, pulling me further into the gym before I even have time to fight back.

"GET OFF ME!!" I screech helplessly, ignoring the sweatdropping individuals watching my every movement.  "LET ME GO!! WAHHH!!"

"Bakayarou!!" Gori yells just as loudly, punching me on the head equally hard.

"Itai yo!!" I wail, feeling the swelling lump on my head.  "Stop it!"

"You're playing whether you want to or not!" is Gori's reaction.  "Today is the right day to start again, now that Rukawa's come back!"

I look down at the ground.  I can feel those eyes of his burning into me but I look down at the shiny floorboards to try and avoid confronting him in any way.  Who knows what he'll say to me?  I shiver unconsciously at the thought.

Someone places a basketball lightly into my hands.  I look up.

"Play, Sakuragi."

It's Kogure.  His expression is pleading yet hopeful.  Does he know?

"Please…" he continues.  "please play.  Rukawa's back now.  Shohoku can't do without you two.  Now please..play again."

Rukawa.  I sigh heavily.  That's the precise reason why I can't play.  Doesn't anyone understand?

"Megane-kun," I stutter nervously, still trying to avoid that piercing blue light coming from the centre of the hall.  "I can't…"

"Why can't you?" Ryota cuts in.

"Yeah," Mitsui begins.  "Why can't you, Sakuragi?"

What am I supposed to say?

Youhei taps my shoulder from behind and I turn around.

"Hanamichi," he says.  "just play."

"Everyone.." I raise my slightly trembling voice.  "I'm not going to –"

And all of a sudden those piercing blue eyes are right in front of me.

He's standing right in front of me.  And for some reason…I can't breathe.

I trail off the very moment that he locks my gaze.  And I can't look away.

But he breaks the silence, cutting through it with that gentle, soft, monotonous voice of his.

"Do'aho." he starts.

Why does he have to use that word to mock me? 

"Just play." he continues flatly, still staring straight into my eyes.  "Or have you forgotten how to play?"

At first I don't do anything.  I can't move, I can't talk, I can't react. 

But then, at the back of my mind it occurs to me that a comment like this would have set me off in the past.  It would have made me fume and burn in rage.

Am I supposed to feel angry? 

I'm not.  It sounds weird, but….I can't be angry at him anymore.

Suddenly something inside me snaps and I glance briskly around me, noticing all the shocked stares, revealing expectations of my outburst.  And I realize that if I don't do something, people will start getting suspicious.

And if they do…I can't bear to imagine what will happen if they find out..if they find out about…me.  The same shame that had silenced me earlier on is now forcing me to say something.

"T-Teme Rukawa!!" I begin shakily, raising my hand to point a finger at him.

Even I can feel how unconvincing my voice is.  God, I hate acting.  I hate saying things that I don't mean.

"Baka kitsune!" I continue, my voice getting louder now.  "Me? Forgotten? Ha!!"

I feign a sarcastic laugh for dramatic effect.

"Baka…it's more like you've forgotten! How could a tensai like me forget?"

Rukawa's face is impassive and emotionless.

"Prove it." he says in monotone, his stare unwavering and challenging.

Prove it?  What?  What is he talking about?

No one around me makes a sound.  They all have their eyes on us, on the 'tension' of the moment.  We are supposed to be enemies, aren't we?  Well, he sees me that way.  But, about the way I see him…I don't know anymore.

What is he trying to do?  I don't say a word.  However unconvincing it might be for my 'act', I stay silent.  I don't know what to say.

"Beat me." he says.

What?  I stand, transfixed, lost.  What is he talking about?

"One on one today, after practice." he raises his voice slightly.  "Beat me and prove it."

Prove what? I think helplessly.

It's as if he can read my mind through my eyes somehow. 

"Prove it," he asserts.  "prove that you're better than me.

"Beat me one on one."

Did he just say one on one?

His eyes are getting to me.  That unflinching stare of his…it's as if there's something else that he's trying to say from deep beneath those ice-blue, crystal depths of his.  I can't look away.

Don't hold my gaze like this, please.  Don't look at me like that – because I don't want you to see me.  Don't look at me like that.  Don't make me believe that there really is a place for me in your eyes.  Don't look at me like that…Rukawa.

What is happening?  I can feel my memory and sense of time falling away.  And suddenly. all that exists is here and now, him and I standing here – with that something unexplainable inside his eyes that I feel like I'm drowning in.

What is happening?

I don't know what's happening.  I only know that he's here with me, staring straight at me with something unfamiliar shining inside those beautiful blue eyes of his.

What is he thinking?  At this moment I wish I knew.  Because this moment is casting a spell on me, making me believe that…that there is a place for me inside his mind.

I don't know what I'm thinking about.  I don't know anything anymore.

What is happening?  I don't know anymore.

And all of a sudden, someone pulls me away from his gaze from behind and hurls me back into reality again.

"Rukawa," I hear Kogure say nervously, edging between us hurriedly, panic and worry escaping in every bit of his body language.  "one on one?  You should be resting right now!  Wait till you're fully recovered first, ne?"

I'm still too confused and lost to bring myself to look up and watch Rukawa's reaction to Kogure's comment.  I remain silent, lost in my own endless thoughts. 

What was that moment?  What happened?

I suddenly feel self-conscious and aware of my surroundings.  Do they know?  Do they know what happened just then?

Please, Kami-sama, I start to beg inside me.  Please tell me that they don't know what happened just then.  That they didn't see what happened to me during that moment.  That they didn't see me lose myself inside his eyes.

"Sakuragi," I hear Kogure call out, turning to me. 

I try to shake the confusion away from my mind and turn to look at Kogure.  He looks worried.

What is he worried about? 

"Sakuragi," he says softly.  "you're not really going to listen to Rukawa, are you?"

I don't answer.  I still haven't even sorted things out.

For some reason Kogure takes my silence as a negative response.

"Demo…" he responds, panic escaping in his nervous voice.  "Rukawa just got out of hospital and he's not ready for basketball yet…Sakuragi…onegai…"

At this statement I'm reminded about Rukawa's last words. 

'Beat me one on one'.

Was he serious?  One on one?  Him challenging me for a one on one?

You must be kidding me.  He hardly ever paid attention to me in the past, let alone challenged me.

I glance at the people surrounding me once again, only now feeling the tense atmosphere pressing in on us layer by layer.  The abrupt realization strikes me that these people actually think that I plan to go along with Rukawa's suggestion.

But…that's the last thing I want to do.

"Sakuragi," Gori cuts in to the conversation loudly.  "I forbid you.  It's not the time for that yet."

I know that, I think to myself.  And even if it was, I would still run away.

Gori turns to Rukawa, silent and emotionless as usual.

"Rukawa, you need to get some rest first.  No basketball for one week."

Almost instinctively, my eyes latch onto Rukawa to watch his reaction.  But as if he heard nothing at all, he remains stone-faced, staring absently into a distant corner of the gym.

What is he thinking?  I would give anything to know.

I catch myself thinking this thought at this precise moment and I look down, ashamed.  You deserve to feel ashamed, I tell on myself mentally.  Just look at yourself- you deserve to be ashamed.

Two hands press down on my shoulders, one on each shoulder, and I spin around instantly to meet the prying grins of Micchy and Ryocchin.

"I never thought I would live to see the day…" Ryocchin starts, edging towards me suspiciously.

I edge away equally suspiciously.

"Nan da yo?" I whine loudly, trying to sound annoyed enough to put them off their suspicion.

"The day when Rukawa would actually be the one to challenge you," Micchy finishes, not paying any attention to my irritated response.  "him challenging you – ha!  Unheard of!"

"What is it – role reversal or something?" Ryocchin nudges me tauntingly.

"Is this some kind of publicity show?"  Mitsui presses on.

"Or…" Ryocchin lowers his voice secretively.  "or is there something wrong with Rukawa's brain..?"

I know that at this point I'm supposed to react, do something, maybe jump back and make a screeching announcement that I'm a tensai and that finally, thank the heavens above, baka kitsune's realized that.  But I can't bring myself to say anything.  I'm supposed to laugh, to cackle and then spit words in Rukawa's face.  But I can't do that.

Mitsui turns towards Rukawa, now leaning against the wall.

"Oi, Rukawa!" I hear him call out, pointing in Rukawa's direction.  "What's behind this one on one thing?"

He doesn't answer.

I don't dare to look into his face, so I keep my eyes on the ground.

But now I can hear his firm footsteps echoing in the tense, questioning silence of the hall.  I know he's standing right there in front of me.

"After school." he affirms unwaveringly.

Then he turns around and drifts straight out of the hall.

I, along with everyone else in the hall, watch his receding frame motionlessly in shocked silence.  Does he really expect me to go? 

One on one.  This is almost laughable.  Him, challenging me?  Ha.  Just like Micchy said, unheard of. This might well be a publicity show.  I only wish it was.

And now I understand what it was in his eyes just now.  An element of something challenging me.  But of course now it's not about basketball anymore.  Or is it?

I don't know.  I don't understand.  All this thinking is making my head hurt. 

I can't go.  Who knows what he'll say to me…

No.  I don't want to know what he thinks of me.  I don't want to get…hurt.

I can't go.

"Don't get any funny ideas, Sakuragi."

Gori's deep, disapproving voice instantly pulls my thoughts to a halt.

"You're not going." he orders, shaking his head in mild confusion.  "I don't know what's going on with Rukawa, but he's not ready for basketball yet.  Don't forget that he only got up yesterday."

How could I forget?  I was right there.  You don't forget things like that – things that turn your life around.  You can't forget things like that.

Someone taps me on the head lightly and I spin around.

"Ayako-san…"

It's Ayako and her paper fan.  Funny, I didn't see her when I came in.

"Sakuragi Hanamichi," she answers briskly, a small, persuasive smile on her lips.  "Rukawa needs rest.  Don't accept the challenge, ne?"

"Leave it till later maybe," Kogure laughs.  "okay, Sakuragi?"

I realize that if I nod and agree to this, everyone will suspect something.  Everyone will be surprised by my obedient silence and they'll look for explanations behind my behaviour.  And I don't want people to find out about me – I don't want them to see what I really am.  But on the contrary, if I shake my head, and disagree, then I really will have to go along with Rukawa's challenge – I really will have to hear what he has to say.  And I don't want to know what he thinks of me – I don't want to get hurt.

What do I do?  I stay emotionlessly silent and stare down at the ground once again.

"You do realize…" Mitsui mutters softly, suddenly slinging his arm over my shoulder.  "…that you'll never beat him any other way…?"

"Ya know," Ryota adds sarcastically, leaning closer to me to add icing onto the cake.  "you should take advantage of the situation…seeing that you'll never be able to beat Rukawa in your life…!"

And automatically, Mitsui and Ryota burst into laughter…

…to be silenced by Ayako's paper fan within seconds.

I can't help but burst into laughter myself.

"Set a good example!" Ayako orders irritably (particularly to Ryota, I might add), grasping her fan forcefully in her hand. "Don't encourage him!"

I watch Mitsui growling under his breath and Ryota's love struck gazing at Ayako, and the sudden thought strikes me that some things – only some things – just never change.

"Oi, Sakuragi!" Gori calls out from the other side of the gym.

I immediately raise my hands before me when I catch sight of a basketball being thrown in my direction, catching the ball with a clean slap.

"What are you still standing there for?" Gori presses on persistently.  "Start practicing!"

I look down at the ball slowly, then up at Gori and around at the expectantly hopeful stares of the people surrounding me. 

Maybe I should.  Maybe I should play again.

And without realizing, my wrist is pressing and letting go of the ball upon the ground in the action that we call a dribble. 

I haven't dribbled a ball for so long.  I miss this sound, this resonant, clean-cut ring almost like a steady musical beat.

Maybe I will.  Maybe I will play again.

"We'll start with a practice game," Gori announces quickly, striding towards me and the team without the slightest intention of letting me refuse.  "let's see if you can still play, Sakuragi."

With that, Gori smiles his confident, almost provoking smile – a familiarly ambitious smile that makes me wonder if he, or the rest of the Shohoku team, for that matter, realize what my absence from basketball for the last three months has really been about.

"Let's go, Sakuragi."  I hear Mitsui say, already walking towards the centre of the court.

"Show us what you're made of," Ryota adds, grinning and nudging me, his earring flashing vigorously in the sunlight shining into the gym through the windows upstairs.  "…tensai."

"Ganbatte, Sakuragi," Kogure encourages me through a smile, patting me on the shoulder lightly.

"Do your thing." Ayako adds in, hastily twisting her hat around backwards.

Through all these…encouragements…I remain silent, shocked.

All this support.  All this unity.  It's as if we're still a team, and always were, always will be.  It's as if this hasn't changed at all. 

"Ganbaru Sakuragi-kun!"

I instantly grin back at Haruko, standing in the corner of the gym, calling out to me and giggling excitedly.  Even her two friends are cheering and smiling at me.

I never knew things would still be like this.  It's as if nothing has changed.

It's as if …  I belong here.  As if I matter here.  As if … as if I'm not a shame at all. 

"Sakuragi!" Gori yells impatiently, gesticulating violently to get my attention.  "Get over here!"

I stare back down absently at the gleaming ball in my hands.

Maybe I will play basketball again.

No – now I know for a fact, that I will play basketball again.

Notes:  I know that the dialogue that I come up with in this fic is often really lame.. heh… ^_^" But sometimes I can't come up with better things, know what I mean? Oh well… Soon the time for Rukawa's one on one challenge will come… and now I finally know what's gonna happen! YAY!! ^.^ *throws confetti into the air*  So now I won't have to spend 30 minutes just sitting here without the slightest idea of what's going to happen next..-_-" now I finally have a plan in my mind of what I'm gonna write!!! ^.^ Haha..YAY! [The pathetic celebrations of a beginner fic writer.. ^_^" hehe]  Anyway, there's more to come ^_^ ~*

I need someone to tell me, is Sakuragi really OOC in this fic?  I was just wondering… because I find it quite hard to write as him… *sigh* @_@

Eight

"That's it for today, guys," Gori concludes, hurriedly picking up randomly scattered balls on the no longer shiny gym floor.  "see you tomorrow."

I hunch over slowly, persistent beads of perspiration trickling down my face and neck, panting hard and strenuously. 

Yet this physical strain is a kind of release, a kind of release that I've been deprived of for such an endlessly long time.  A release, along with basketball and everything else about my past, that I've missed so much at the back of my mind.

I follow everyone back to the benches to collect my belongings.

"Fine play, Hanamichi," Ryota says to me in between pants, grinning and patting me on the shoulder.  "fine play."

I smile back at him and instinctively, without me realizing, my 'signature expression' slips out of my mouth for the first time in months.

"Tensai dakara!" I exclaim, my voice automatically drenched with something like confidence and pride. 

It's all coming back to me now.

Ryota grins again, winks at me, throws his bag over his shoulder and turns to walk towards the exit.

"Ja, Hanamichi!" he calls out to me.  "Ja, minna!"

Then, as usual, he turns to Ayako with hearts in his eyes.

"Aya-chan," he greets politely, his voice softer and gentler now.  "see you tomorrow…"

Ayako merely laughs and nods, tapping him very lightly on the head with her paper fan playfully.

"See you, Ryota."

"Sakuragi."

I turn around immediately when I hear my name being called.

Mitsui walks up to me, wiping his sweat with a towel and his bag in his other hand.

"Nice work," he says in his deep voice, smiling reassuringly.  "I'll be seeing you tomorrow."

Yes, you will, I think, smiling.

I nod briskly at Mitsui's comment, then wave goodbye as he walks out of the hall.

All this support.  I can't help but admit that…it's wonderful.  It's wonderful to be back.

I quickly blink myself out of my thoughts and hastily start collecting my things to leave. 

"You stay behind, Sakuragi."  Gori's insistent voice holds me back.

I watch everyone's hurried departure from the gym, excluding Ayako and Kogure, who are discussing something in hushed syllables beside Gori.

I walk towards Gori, wondering what this is about.

"Sakuragi," he starts, his expression solemn.  "you did very well."

This has to be one of the few occasions where you actually find Gori complimenting me.  A grin instantly breaks out of my face, but I don't reply.

"You will come back to practice regularly now, right?" he asks, a little bit of eagerness escaping through his still voice.

I lull over this question for a few seconds.  With Rukawa back …

I hesitate immediately.

Suddenly Ayako and Kogure stop talking and stare at me, waiting for my answer, the look in both their eyes so immensely hopeful that I can't bring myself to say no.

'You can't just run away forever,' Youhei's words echo repeatedly in my mind.  'You can't be scared forever.'

Rukawa's back.  Life must go on.

I can't be scared forever, I tell myself.

"Yes," I announce, nodding my head more certainly and sincerely than ever.  "yes, I will."

Gori's eyes light up then, with a type of relief or a type of delight, or a type of surprise.  Or maybe all these emotions mixed together.

I glance over at Kogure and Ayako and realize their eyes have lightened up too.

Gori puts his hand on my shoulder firmly and lets a smile loose on his lips.

"That's good," I hear him say absently.  "that's good."

"It's been a long time, Sakuragi Hanamichi…" Ayako says to me, her voice still full of energy and animation.  "you'll have to keep it up, ne!"

"Ganbatte!" Kogure adds encouragingly, adjusting his glasses.

I look at Kogure and I wonder what he thinks of me after that time at the hospital where he saw me crying and heard what I had to say.  Somehow, it seems like his opinion on me hasn't changed.  He still treats me the way he did before.  And I don't understand that.

There isn't even a hint of sympathy or disgust in his eyes.  Instead, his eyes are full of understanding, just like Youhei's.  I don't understand.  I don't understand why these people, my former teammates … why they're still so nice to me.

But I understand that this gives me the reason to be strong.  Even if that means facing Rukawa.

"Nan da, Sakuragi?" Kogure interrupts my thoughts, his voice slightly concerned.

"Betsuni, betsuni," I reply abruptly, shaking my head and waving my hand in dismissal. 

Ayako takes a quick glimpse at the watch on her wrist.

"Ahh…it's late, we'd better get going now," she sighs.  "ja na, minna."

Soon follows the quick showers of goodbyes and I turn to the benches once again, collecting my belongings hurriedly and trudging towards the exit in deep thought.

It's the end of practice.  Then where's…?

Where's Rukawa?

I shake my head frantically to try and clear my mind of thoughts of him.  It's a good thing he's not here, I tell myself.  It's a good thing.  That way you won't have to face him. 

Yet I can't help feeling … disappointed. 

Why am I feeling disappointed?

No, stop.  Stop it, Hanamichi.

I sigh deeply and continue trudging forward, only now looking up and ahead of me.  A timid figure flinches before me in the dark and then steps into full view.

"Haruko-san?" I gasp in alarm, voicing my thoughts out loud unknowingly.

"Sakuragi-kun…" she replies, smiling slightly and brushing a hand through her chestnut hair.

"What are you doing here alone, so late?" I question worriedly.  After all, a girl shouldn't be out alone so late - it isn't safe enough at these hours. 

"It's okay, Sakuragi-kun,"  Haruko persists, laughing softly and shaking her head. 

"Come, come," I tell her, frowning in disapproval and ignoring her persistence.  "I'll walk you home."

Haruko only laughs again politely and falls in place by my side. 

"Youhei-san," she begins explaining, raising her voice and turning to face me.  "Youhei-san told me to tell you that he couldn't wait till the end of practice for you - he had to work, he said."

"Un…" I reply slowly, nodding.  "thanks for passing the message, Haruko-san."

"It's nothing…" she responds, shaking her head slightly in dismissal once again.

I look sideways at Haruko.  I used to feel something for her.  Now it's as if it's all gone.  It's as if all that's left is a purely gentlemanly sense of responsibility, a duty to keep her safe.  Was it like this before?  I don't remember ever questioning my feelings for her.  Or was I just running away from the truth? 

Why?  She used to be my reason, my motivation.  But now…

I catch myself sighing deeply all over again.

Haruko hears my sigh and looks up from the ground to face me, her round blue eyes hiding some kind of anxiety.

"Demo…" she breathes softly and shakily, watching me intently.  "Sakuragi-kun, are you really going to accept … Rukawa-kun's … challenge?"

At the corner of my eye I can see Haruko watching me expectantly, searching for a response or an answer.  I don't dare to look back at Haruko.  I don't even know what I'm going to do.

"Sakuragi-kun?" she presses on timidly.

I remain silent.  I don't know what to say to her.

Suddenly she pulls me gently on the arm, forcing me to look straight back at her.

"Sakuragi-kun," she begins in a nervous whisper, her eyes fixed on me and glimmering with some type of earnest pleading.  "please promise me you won't accept the challenge, okay?"

Haruko hesitates now, sighs in distress, then takes a deep breath and continues.

"Rukawa-kun's weak right now, and if you two play, if you two get into a fight, then…" she trails off.

"Haruko-san…" I say, trying to ease her growing worry.

"Please, Sakuragi-kun," she interrupts, a slight frown etched on her brow now.  "please … don't accept the challenge … onegai …"

I catch sight of her eyes at that moment – dark eyes drowned in sincere panic and worry – and I realize, with more certainty than ever before, how much she loves Rukawa, how much she cares for him.

And that just tears my heart apart.

It could be guilt.  It could be jealousy.  It could be sheer sadness at how unfair this world is.  I don't know.  But being here, seeing the concern in Haruko's eyes, makes me want to cry.

And now I know, with a kind of frightful certainty, that I can't feel this way about Rukawa.  I can't possibly hurt Haruko like this.

"Haruko-san," I hear myself say, my voice shaky and solemn.  "I'm sorry…"

Haruko's eyes widen in confusion.

"…Sorry for what, Sakuragi-kun?"

"Sorry for everything."

And with that, I spin around and run towards the main gates.

I don't look back.  I wonder what Haruko's thinking right now, but I don't look back.  This guilt seems to be crushing in relentlessly on my heart.

There's nothing to be guilty about, I try to comfort myself.  You didn't do anything.

But I did, a dejected voice in my mind projects.  But I did.  I fell in love with him, even when I knew she was in love with him too.  And she doesn't deserve this.  If she finds out, she'll be hurt, more hurt than ever.  She trusted me.  And I betrayed her.  That's more than enough to stay guilty for my whole life.

I glance ahead of me hastily, squinting to see clearly in the darkness of the chilly autumn night.

And all of a sudden, a tall, broad figure steps out of the shadows and into the light.

Rukawa.

I stand, transfixed, frozen, shocked. 

My thoughts rage violently, sending my head into a spin.  But yet I can't bring myself to tear my eyes away from Rukawa, standing there in front of the gate, right before my eyes.

"Where do you think you're going?" he says in his usual, barely audible, monotonous voice.

I try to talk but the appearance of the huge lump in my throat prevents me from doing so.

And then, catching me completely by surprise, he lunges towards me and grabs my hand, pulling me back into the school premises and away from the exit.

It takes me a while to realize what is happening.  It takes me a while to acknowledge the fact that Rukawa is actually holding my hand in his … voluntarily.

By the time I realize and fully acknowledge what is happening, I'm standing in the centre of the empty gym.

Rukawa's standing right before me once again. 

I look around me nervously.  It's just the two of us in the silence of this hall …

…without a basketball in sight.

I panic and begin running as fast as I can towards the exit, regardless of what Rukawa thinks of my behaviour.

I don't want to be here.  I don't want to listen to what you have to say.  I don't want to get hurt.

He grabs my hand from behind, pulling me back forcefully and forcing me to face him.

Don't touch me, I beg inside.  Don't look at me like that.  Please … don't pull me back.

"I need to talk to you." he says firmly, the same unflinching, challenging look in his ice-blue, crystal eyes.

Notes:  … So what do you think?  ~_~

I hope in this chapter I put in perspective for you…with Sakuragi's fear that Rukawa doesn't share the same feelings as he does, his self-consciousness and ... umm … mild homophobia I guess… and also his guilt for *betraying* Haruko...it kinda gives the idea that even if he does wind up with Rukawa, he still won't be completely happy… but that's for the ending I think... ^_^ All will be clear in the ending ^_~

Actually right now I have another idea for a different fic…but I have to finish this one first… I'm thinking of whether I should link it to this one and make this a series because that would be a pretty good idea…it would save a lot of explaining and etc ... *_* Dunno… oh well…I better finish this one first before saying anything else…

Nine

Talk to me?  Inside I'm already screaming at the thought.

"T-There's … there's nothing to talk about!" I immediately rebuke, tearing my hand swiftly away from his and turning towards the exit once again.

But before I can move even half a step forward, he's already pushed me back and locked me securely against the wall, his arms trapping me within the bounds of his body, now only a few inches away from me.

I can hardly breathe, let alone move.  What with him so close to me … my head is in a spin.

"I need to talk to you." he repeats grimly.

I can't seem to respond. 

Get off me!  A voice inside my head screams frantically.  Get off me!  I can't think when you're so close to me!

But I remain still and silent, hardly able to breathe properly.

Seeing my stillness and lack of persistence, Rukawa slowly takes his hands off me and steps back, his eyes still fixed and unflinching from their rigid position on my face.

"Listen to me, Hanamichi."

I don't know what shocks me more – the conflicting emotions I thought I saw rush across Rukawa's face the split second after that statement escaped his lips, or the fact that he's just called me by my first name.  Nevertheless, I stand rooted to the spot, transfixed and unable to react.

"You saved me."

I blink.

"What?" I voice my thoughts out loud.  "What are you talking about?"

"You saved me." he repeats, his face automatically reverting to its usual cold expressionlessness. 

He steps forward now, causing my muscles to tense up once again, causing my voice to return to its lost silence.

What are you talking about?  I question inside me.

"Listen to me." he begins, the seriousness printed on his face frightening and worrying me all at once.  "You saved me."

I stare at him in confusion, unconsciously searching his azure eyes for any hints of what he's trying to tell me.

"When I was lying there in the dark, weights pressing me down and not letting me get up… when I almost died …

"Suddenly…"

I watch him trail off and close his eyes, his face now scrunched up in weary disorientation – a sight that bewilders me beyond belief.  I've never once seen Rukawa with as many words, as much emotion and expression than what he's displayed tonight. 

"Suddenly … when I felt like I couldn't do anything but give in …"

Abruptly his clenched eyes spring open and stare straight into me, further rooting my feet to their position on the ground.

"…suddenly, all I could think of was … you."

…What?

I stand motionless, utterly lost.

"All I could think was that I had to survive … I had to get through this …"

What…what is he saying?

"… so that I could see your face one last time…"

I can feel tears brimming at the sides of my eyes.

My heart skips a beat.

"Hanamichi…" he continues. 

"…yours is the last face I want to see."

I don't know how to respond. 

I don't say a word.  He doesn't either. 

And once again, just like that day at the hospital, I see something very much like a tear hanging at the side of his eye.

I don't know who reached out for the other first, or who slid their arm around the other first, or whose lips touched the other first.

All I know is that there's nowhere in the world that I would rather be…

…than here with Rukawa, as nothing other than his, his do'aho.

The shrill ring of the phone stabs my ears like daggers.

"Arrghh.." I groan irritably, throwing my pillow over my head.  "shut up … let me sleep…"

But the phone doesn't stop ringing.

I close my eyes angrily and reach sideways to answer the phone and lash out on the person who has just interrupted the best sleep I've had in months. 

"What??" I practically yell, spitting out venom in my voice.

"Get up." comes the flat reply.

Instantly my misty eyes widen, and I sit up straight on the bed.

"What are you talking about?" my voice is softer and less – venomous – now that I know who it is.

"Get up."

I glance over at my bedside clock, infuriated by his flat commands, without even bothering to address me first with a 'Good morning' or anything of the sort.  Not even a 'Hello'. 

"It's 7 o' clock on a Saturday morning and not only do you call me and wake me up, asking me to get up without even bothering to tell me a reason to, but you don't even bother to say 'Hello' or 'Good morning'!!  What kind of a person are you, you damn kitsune??"

By the time I'm finished lashing out on him, I'm already wide awake.

"You're very much awake," he remarks.  "now get up."

"Why? What's the special occasion?"

He's never even called me, let alone asked me to go out with him.  Especially at 7 o' clock on a Saturday morning.  This is sudden, even after what happened last night. 

Thinking of what he said last night throws me into deep thought.  I never knew that Rukawa would ever say those things.  I never knew he would ever think of me in that way.  It was … like a dream.

"No special occasion."

"Then what's the point of this?" I screech.  "It's 7 o' clock in the morning!  You would never wake up so early!"

"I want to see you, that's all."

At this point all the fire in me dies out.  He woke up this early … just because he wanted to see me?

"… eh?  Nothing to say to that?" he asks, a hint of tease in his deep voice.

"Shut up." is the only reply I can manage.

"I'm outside."

"Nani?" I shout into the phone, springing up from my sitting position in alarm.

"I'm outside." he repeats.

"I heard what you said…" I grunt, instantly standing up and walking over to the window.

And there he is, dressed in a black trench coat, a phone in his hand, staring straight in my direction.

I freeze.

"Come on." he continues, a hint of a small smile playing on his lips.  "Get up."

"What's the big idea?" I question suspiciously.  "What are you trying to pull?"

"I told you – nothing.  I just want to see you."

I can't stand it when he says things like that.  I hate to admit it, but it's as if my heart melts then and there.

"Come on." he presses on, impatience escaping from his voice.

"I'll be a minute." I mumble, throwing the phone hurriedly into a corner.

I wipe the sleep out of my eyes, run a comb carelessly through my hair and throw on some trousers and a jacket.  I hate to admit it, but I'm looking forward to seeing him.  I blush subliminally at the thought, then catch myself blushing and start mentally yelling at myself for my girlish antics.

I step out of the house to find him crouching down on the ground, playing with the neighbour's cat.

"Ohayo." I mutter softly, feeling a little bit nervous.

He stands up upon hearing my greeting, walks towards me and takes my hand in his.

I don't know why I suddenly feel embarrassed.

"W-what are you doing?" I stutter, tearing my hand away, my cheeks heating up rapidly, much to my disapproval.

"What do you mean what am I doing?" he responds, seemingly unaffected by my persistence.

Maybe he can read my mind somehow.

"Come on." he says, pulling me along quickly.

"Where are we going?" I ask him.

"For a walk."

The strings of autumn sakura drift past us, sometimes landing on our skin then getting brushed away by the wind.  I look over at Rukawa and catch him looking at me, then he grasps my hand tighter.

Is this bliss?  I never thought things would ever be like this.  Maybe this is a dream.

But I don't want to wake up yet.  If this is a dream, I never want to wake up.

"Did you mean what you said?" Rukawa suddenly asks, catching me completely by surprise.

"What?" I reply, although I know perfectly well what he's talking about.

"Did you mean what you said?  The day that I woke up – did you mean it when you said those things?"

I look away from his serious expression as embarrassment starts to creep up on me again – for reasons totally unknown to me.

"B-baka!" I try to shrug the question off, ignoring the flushing of me cheeks once again.  "Y-you know the answer to that question!"

There is an air of mischief in Rukawa's eyes.

 "Yes?" he suggests teasingly.

"U..Un…" I stammer.

"Then tell me again."

I jump back in shock.

"Baka!" I shout reluctantly. "Why do I have to do that?"

Rukawa shakes his head with an air of resignation.  Now I know that he's just playing.

Though I haven't seen him playing before.

"If you meant it, then tell me again." he repeats tauntingly.

He sees me blush and I watch as he throws his head back in … laughter.

He's … laughing.  It's an entrancing sight.

It's as if I've fallen in love with him all over again.  I've fallen in love with this different form of Rukawa, this Rukawa who has thrown his cold, emotionless façade into the flames.

Does he know?  Does he know what spell he's cast on me?  Does he know that my heart skips a beat whenever I see him?  Does he know how much I yearn for him when he's away?  Does he know how much I want to share each and every moment of my life with him?  Does he know all this?

"I love you, Kaede." I whisper sincerely.  

There are so many things I want to say, but it's as if these three small words are more than enough.

He sees and hears the sincerity running through every single part of me, and stops laughing straight away, the mischief on his face replaced with a kind of lost bewilderment, as if he doesn't know how to act.

And then, all of a sudden, a tear trickles down his cheek.

"Ai shiteru, Hanamichi." he chokes brokenly.

For once his voice isn't still and calm.

This is bliss.  Being here with him, looking at him looking at me – this is heaven.  And even if I were to die now, I wouldn't have a care in the world, simply because he is here with me. 

No one said it would be easy.  There are more challenges to face, more obstacles to pass.  Haruko-san, the older generation, the doubts that we'll both be sure to have in the future – no one said it would be easy.  But we'll make it.  I know we will.  We'll make it together.

I bring my fingers up to his face to gently wipe his tears away. 

It's as if I've been living my whole life just for this moment.

"Yours is the last face I want to see…" I whisper in his ear, before our lips meet for a sweet kiss of unsaid promises.

End

Notes: YYYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!! ^_____^ *big smile* I've done it, my first fic!! *throws all her books and scrap paper into the air* Actually this feeling is great, I actually completed a story!!! ^.^ You have no idea how happy I am.. hehe..

I intended for this ending to be very *sweet*… a happy ending I see…I'm beginning to favour happy endings nowadays – life is too sad to portray just as it is, if you know what I mean… I guess it leaves a lot unsaid though.. -_- But that's what the imagination's for! You guys can imagine it yourselves ^_~  [actually that's just my lazy excuse for not continuing the fic any further .. haha] Please please please send me reviews…!! I need to know how I did as a beginner.. heh.. ^_^

Did you know I practically stayed awake all night (morning) to do the last chapter?  o_o  Actually saying that wouldn't be completely accurate .. but I couldn't sleep at 3:00 in the morning because I had inspiration about how to end this fic … so I just had to wake up and finish it.. _ inspiration comes at such weird times, ne?  haha… I bet tomorrow my eyes will be panda eyes @_@ Okay … enough with the irrelevant ramblings…

I quite like the last chapter actually… ^_^ Finally there's a second chapter that I like! Heheheh.. the first time where while writing this fic, I've actually felt that I've done a good job in describing the way Sakuragi would think and what he would say… I think I've done Rukawa and Sakuragi justice with the last conversation, ne? haha.. the only part where I feel like I've portrayed a Sakuragi who isn't totally OOC.. ^.^ As promised, no hentai scenes.. ^_~

That's all I have to say at the moment.. I will write another fic, I think.. ^_^ Also a Ruhana one -_-" *hears hundreds of groans in the background* Sorry but it's the only thing I have ideas on.. -_-" But there are quite a great deal of Rukawa x Hanamichi fans out there, aren't there? ^_^ I'm glad there are…

*Big sigh* ^.^ can't believe I actually completed my first fic.. *laughs and cracks knuckles*All those hours in front of the PC were actually worth it ^_^ Is this how it feels to be a fic writer? Hahah.. well it feels pretty good.. ^.^

Sorry for my droning on and on.. I better wind it up now..heh ^_^".. Reviews would be greatly appreciated.. ^_^ [I'm begging you ^_^"] Just e-mail me..!!

That's all I have to say.. ja for now and I hope soon I'll be here again, droning on in another fic ^_~ *winks*

Good luck to all fic writers out there..! ^_^

~Lanie~

12/8/2002