God Among Men

"These environs do not flatter the residents of Olympus, daughter," said Maxie Zeus, as he was led down the corridor of Arkham Asylum by Dr. Leland. "Why should gods be confined to such small and dimly lit cells by mere mortals?"

"Because…um…oh mighty Zeus…the full light of their glory might…erm…blind the mortals," invented Dr. Leland. "The only way gods can walk among men is to try and act like them."

Zeus snorted. "It is impossible for the gods of Olympus to hide their glory, my daughter," he retorted. "Surely you, noble Athena, as goddess of wisdom, understand this?"

"Oh…yes…mighty Zeus," stammered Dr. Leland. "But you have taken the form of a mere man before. Surely you can recall a life where you did not always possess the full glory of a god?"

"I can…dimly remember some such past," murmured Zeus. He shook his head suddenly. "But it is gone. Here is where I belong now. Here among my fellow gods."

"Yes, well…I'd like to try and talk to you about that past soon, so try to remember, mighty Zeus," said Dr. Leland. They arrived at the cafeteria. "And…erm…enjoy the meatloaf."

"Meatloaf?" he repeated. "Hardly the food of gods."

"Sadly we don't have the budget of gods," retorted Dr. Leland. "I'll see you later…oh mighty Zeus."

She sighed and returned to her office. She definitely needed to check up on her Greek mythology before she could possibly deal with this guy.

Maxie Zeus entered the cafeteria. "Greetings, fellow Olympians!" he called to the room at large. Everyone looked up at him in surprise. "Greetings, Janus, oh two-faced one," he said, passing down the table and nodding at Two-Face. "And Demeter, beautiful and gentle goddess of the harvest," he said, nodding at Poison Ivy.

He paused at the Joker. "I'm afraid I do not immediately recognize you, clownish one."

"Yeah? You mean there ain't no Greek god of laughs?" chuckled Joker. "Humorless bunch of skirt-wearing nutjobs. Present company excepted, of course," he chuckled.

"Hermes was quite the trickster," spoke up Jonathan Crane. "Or Dionysus, god of wine and frivolity. I'm sure you could have your pick of either."

Zeus stared at Crane. "Dear Apollo, knowlegeable God of truth and poetry," he murmured. "I trust in your wisdom."

"Oh…thank you," said Crane. "Of course I've read about Greek mythology…"

"Then you know tales of me," said Zeus, taking a seat next to him. "Regale me, oh great one, with stories of my exploits."

"Erm…I'd rather not with ladies present," said Crane, looking at Ivy. "You're not the most…um…reserved of men. There was that time you turned into a swan and…um…forced yourself upon a woman. Also that time you turned into a bull and did the same. Or rain…"

"Jesus Christ, what was up with these Greeks?" demanded Joker. "Bunch of freaks and weirdos!"

"I won't mention Hera then," said Crane. "Both Zeus's wife and sister."

Joker gazed at Zeus disdainfully. "And this is the guy you wanna model yourself on Zeusy? I don't mind telling you, that's really sick."

"How dare you insult the king of the gods, clownish one!" demanded Zeus, standing up. "Dost thou not know I could call a storm of thunderbolts down upon thine head?! Beg forgiveness from mighty Zeus, or you shall feel his wrath!"

"I can tell somebody was an amateur actor once!" chuckled Joker. "You really know how to project, I'll give ya that…"

"Do not mock the mighty Zeus!" shouted Zeus. "Or you will be struck down where you stand!"

"I'm sitting, dummy," retorted Joker.

"You have sealed your fate!" shouted Zeus. "Mighty Zeus shall…"

The door to the cafeteria opened again, and Harley Quinn bounced into the room. "Hiya, puddin'," she cooed, cuddling Joker and kissing his cheek. "Missed you during my therapy session! Who's this?" she asked, smiling at Zeus.

"You remember the new guy who got admitted, Harley," said Joker. "The freak obsessed with Greek mythology? He thinks he's Zeus, and he puts on a good show, I must say. A little melodramatic, maybe, but who am I to talk?" he chuckled.

"Nice to meet you, Zeus," said Harley, holding out her hand and smiling. Zeus just stared at her.

"And thou art…Aphrodite," he breathed. "Most beautiful goddess of love. Where is thine boy Cupid, for he has transfixed my heart with one of his arrows!" he said, taking her hand and kissing it tenderly.

"Hey, cool it, Zeusy, she's spoken for," growled Joker, sliding an arm around Harley's waist.

Zeus looked at him. "Ah, I recognize thee now, Hephaestus, blacksmith of the gods and consort to Aphrodite. Thy ugliness is unmistakeable."

"Say what now?" demanded Joker.

"Hephaestus was a god who made Zeus's thunderbolts," explained Crane. "Very unslightly in appearance. He was betrothed to Aphrodite, goddess of love, and most beautiful of all goddesses, who used to carry on dalliances with other gods and mortals behind his back."

Harley laughed. "Well, I ain't her, then," she said, beaming at Joker. "I would never cheat on puddin'."

"You must not contradict the king of gods," retorted Zeus. "You must agree with him and obey him. In all things."

"Um…ok," said Harley, shrugging. "I guess we all got delusions of one kind or another, and it can't hurt to indulge them. There ain't gonna be any harm in playing Greek gods for a while, is there?"

"Well, no, assuming that Zeus doesn't want us to act like them," said Crane. "They were all terribly immoral and pretty insane. Even compared to us, which is saying something."

Zeus raised his hands. "My fellow Olympians, you have made me feel most welcome here! Mighty Zeus has returned home among you all, and he shall never leave again! There is too much pleasure in the company of immortals, especially ones so very beautiful," he murmured at Harley. "I shall see you all anon. Fare thee well."

He left the room. "What a freak," muttered Joker.

"Aw, he seems nice enough, Mr. J," said Harley, shrugging as she sat down next to him. "Couple lightning bolts short of a thunderstorm, but I guess none of us can judge."

"It's too bad he's such a nutjob – he's got a nice build," murmured Ivy. "But I could never date a guy in a skirt."

"Yeah, the weirdos get more ridiculous every year," sighed Joker. "I blame Batsy – he attracts the freaks. Soon every lamewad in Gotham begins to think they can challenge him. Even when their persona is more pathetic than Calendarman's. I was the original and best, you know..."

"Aw, Christ, J, not that old spiel again," sighed Ivy, standing up. "You're really starting to sound like an old man with all this 'back in my day' stuff."

"Well, maybe if we could get rid of a few more of these lame supercriminals, things could go back to the way they were in the good old days," retorted Joker. "Batsy and me and just a couple other freaks to give me the night off every once and a while. But kids these days think that anybody can be a supercriminal as long as you have a goofy name and a fancy costume. But they can't. It takes more than that. It takes natural style and class that only a few people have, y'know."

"Like you, puddin'," cooed Harley, kissing him.

"Yeah, like me," he agreed. "And frankly if I start bumping off a few more of these lame ones, everyone will be thanking me for it. And if he don't watch his mouth, I'll be starting with Maxie Zeus."