CHAPTER THREE

Name: Broken and Unresponsive
Fandom: Percy Jackson and the Olympians
Type: Angst, Fluff, Romance, Depression
Warnings: Homosexual relationship, self harm, Schizophrenia, may be triggering
AU: Percy and Annabeth were never together, and neither were pulled into Tartarus, instead the 8 demigods went back to camp (which is safe, see Red-Head Neusence) to gather more half-bloods and heal up before Athens.
Beta: The Wandering Oreo
Disclaimer: All the characters belong to rick riordan, however, this story is entirely mine. The words written in italics are also Skillet's from their song which is the chapter title each time :)
A/N: Re-reading this i don't even know what happened to my mind, the story kind of wrote itself and the original ideas kind of blew out the window. I really like this though, and it still flows with the story :3 Someone asked about what's happening with the other campers, and that's answered in this chapter, though they aren't really in this fanfic much :) Also, I think this is going to be updated every 2 weeks instead, but I will still try for every week :) And I'm sorry it was a few days late but It's really hard for me to deal with real life let alone getting this up in time, but i promise with all my heart that chapter 4 will be up on Saturday :)
Song: watch?v=91J4PAda3EA

Awake and Alive

(Nico's POV)

I didn't know what to feel when I next woke. I felt Percy's arms holding me by my waist but I also felt my arms itching. I couldn't cut without him knowing and I couldn't cut without hurting him, either. I tried to ignore the itching, but soon enough I found myself scratching at my wrecked arms. They were starting to heal now, some of them at least. The bigger cuts wouldn't start to heal for a while longer, I knew.

I felt my fingers catch on old scabs and I drew in breath as it started to bleed again. I felt the warm liquid ooze down my arm and I gasped at the pain it bought me. I quickly held my hand to the cut to try and stop the bleeding. I couldn't have Percy find out. I couldn't disappoint him again.

"N-Nico…" I felt his grip around me tighten and I was drawn closer into his chest. I didn't know what state my arm was in but I tried my best to hold my arm away from him. I used my cleanest arm to pull his hands from my stomach to my chest. I pulled them into me, holding them tight like they were my lifeline.

I felt him rest his head on my shoulder and tried my best to get back to sleep. I didn't know what time it was, but it wasn't light outside and I probably hadn't gotten enough sleep. I kept my eyes shut but my brain wouldn't shut up. It kept running through everything that had happened the night before.

I was now Percy Jackson's boyfriend. Or was I? I would have to check with him when he woke. What would it matter though? It's not like I could tell anyone. I didn't talk to anyone else because I didn't want to burden them. The only reason I ever told Percy these things is because he insisted until I was too worn down to keep things from him.

I felt guilty, though. Without me he could he could have so much of a better life. I was such a burden on his life. I took so much. I didn't deserve his kindness. I deserved to die here, to just stop breathing. It wouldn't be so hard, would it? To simply stop breathing, and break my consciousness permanently.

My mind kept running in loops. Every thought I followed lead back to the same thing. I didn't deserve these good things. I deserved the pain and the emptiness.

"Nico…" I felt breath on my neck as he spoke.

"Sorry." My voice was shaky. I couldn't cry again. I was so weak… "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Nico, it's okay. What's wrong? You were shaking." Of course I was. I'm such a bad person.

"I- I was just... just thinking. Sorry." I tried to calm myself down. I couldn't though, and the more I tried, the more memories flashed into my mind. The torture, the horror, the never ending pain. Tartarus had beaten them into me. No matter how many good things I did, there was always pain.

I felt my chest start to heave and my breath quicken. I couldn't feel Percy anymore. There were claws on my back. My throat was tightening and I couldn't see. I tried to get away from whatever was on my back. But its arms were around me and I couldn't move.

My heartbeat was pounding in my head and I used all my strength to get the thing off of me. I kicked it away and fell backwards, landing on the hard ground. I scrambled away quickly. I could feel myself coming back to the cabin, but there were worse memories to come. I couldn't see anything but the little box on the bed and I reached for it as quickly as I could.

I couldn't reach it though; there was something in the way. I couldn't reach it. The demon was going to come back. I kept trying to reach my little salvation but I couldn't get close enough. I felt the room grow darker again, the claws returning to my back. I needed to get them away.

I dug my fingers into my arm and scratched at the cuts until I could feel the pain. I could feel the hands leave me and I could feel my own on my broken skin. It wasn't enough though. I still needed the razors. I used all my strength to reach for the box.

Soon enough I had the little blade in between my fingers and I was painting art onto my skin. I made only a few cuts and I felt my breaths become longer and my heartbeat grew fainter.

It was then that I saw him, tears streaming down his face and the hurt in his eyes. Percy had seen the whole thing. I could see his mouth moving but I couldn't hear the words he was trying so desperately to tell me. I think he could tell that I could see him, because he moved closer to me, slowly. And I looked at him.

Then I felt his arms around me again, not a demon, Percy. It was Percy all along, but I'd struggled free from his grip, because it hadn't been his at the time, at least not to me. I felt tears start to stream down my face again. Falling onto my arm and making it sting. But I tried to focus on Percy's hold.

I still couldn't hear him, but I didn't know if he was speaking anymore. I folded into myself, feeling suddenly exhausted.

"Percy!" I tried calling out. No response. "Percy!" I still couldn't hear anything. I tried a third time and after a few moments I felt his arms pull me towards the bed again. I didn't struggle- I was too weak to.

I felt warmth engulf me and sleep taking hold of my tormented mind, only to be plagued by nightmares of the hell I'd just been relieved of.

~~~

"Nico." I woke to kisses on the back of my neck. They were nice and soothing- such a contrast from my dreams. "Nico, wake up." The kisses continued but I knew I had to wake up. I couldn't see him, but I could feel his gaze.

"Percy," I mumbled, turning over so I was facing him. He kissed me, short and sweetly.

"Morning," he said, smiling. I could get used to waking up like this.

I leaned my head into his and our lips touched again. It was weird, kissing Percy. I'd never kissed anyone before him so I was going on the basis that he didn't know what he was doing either. But whatever guide he was following, it was good. Kissing Percy was probably the best thing I'd ever done.

He pulled his face away from mine.

"Do you remember last night, Nico?" He asked me, his voice so quite, as if breaking the silence could hurt.

I nodded. His arms tightened around me and I nuzzled my head into his chest, feeling so safe in his arms.

"Nico, we need to clean your arm," he said slowly, trying to ease his way into the conversation. I was still tired and I didn't want to talk about it, but I knew I'd have to.

I reluctantly pulled myself from him and walked over to the bathroom, wetting a towel, before coming back to sit on the edge of the bed.

I pulled up my shirt sleeve and surveyed the damage. I didn't even remember doing most of it, not properly. I'd reopened at least four new cuts and a lot of new scars were littered in amongst the old. I sucked in a breath as I pressed the cloth to my arm.

I cried out. It hurt- it hurt so much- but I kept my hand steady, trying to clean away the dried blood. I felt Percy's hand on my own, taking the towel away and folding it in half so he could use it. He put it to my skin again and I shut my eyes.

"Percy, it hurts," I breathed, trying to keep the tears in my eyes. The cuts were stinging like mad. It didn't make much sense. I could cause myself so much pain, but I didn't like it if it wasn't a blade in my own hand. The stinging hurt a lot, because I was used to a dull ache in my arm, but now it was sharp pain, that remained for a while even after Percy would remove the cloth.

He dabbed at my arm until it wasn't so red. Then he kissed me quickly and told me he would be back in a moment. I ran my fingers through my hair and wished the pain away- not that wishing had done any good before. I felt his lips again, and I opened my eyes to see his beautiful sea green eyes so close to my own.

"I love you, Nico," he told me, and then I looked down to see that he had gotten bandages.

"No," I said. "Don't waste them on me." I clenched my fists and pulled my arm away from him, holding it to my chest.

"Nico." He looked at me sternly. "Please…"

I held my arm back out, unwilling, but not wanting Percy to be upset with me. It then hit me that Percy would need to leave me alone today, for the whole day, until tonight.

"When do you have to- to leave?" I choked on the words; I didn't want him to leave me.

"I don't have to leave you, Nico," he said, I looked at him, confused, we both knew he had to, so what was the point of lying about it? "I thought about it this morning before you woke"

"And?"

"and... Do you think you could... Maybe... Come with me today? To camp I mean. And even if you don't participate in camp activities, you could watch and- and maybe you could, maybe talk to someone."

I stared at him for a bit, shocked at first, then I started to picture it. I would get weird looks if I left the cabin. But I didn't want to be without Percy either.

"What if I can't do it?" I asked, nervously, my mind still racing.

"If ANYTHING happens I'll bring you back here and hold you until you're okay, Nico. I love you."

I kept thinking it over. I really wanted to go out, to try and be stronger, to show Percy that I could do it. But just thinking about it, I felt anxious. Everyone would be looking at me. I hadn't gone outside in ages. There were so many things they would think about me.

That I'm fat, that I'm short, that I'm ugly.

And the worst thing is that they would all be thinking the truth. I would have to go out and see all of these people who get to lead normal lives- people who are able to just ignore all the horror around them.

"I don't think-" He stopped me with a kiss. "Perc-" Then again. I opened my mouth to speak and he kissed me a few times before sealing out lips together and kissing me properly. My eyes closed. I could feel his hands tangle in my hair and after a few moments I was completely engulfed by how amazing his lips felt on mine.

I didn't think about anything else, not about Tartarus, not about going outside. It was as if nothing else mattered.

My problems became distant memories as I felt his tongue on my bottom lip. Being completely new to this, as it was asking for entry, I opened my mouth. It was a really weird feeling; having Percy's tongue in my mouth. It didn't feel romantic. I kept feeling that I should be doing something, so I tried to mimic him.

I don't know how it felt for him but after a few minutes of awkwardness I began to enjoy it. It felt so intimate. Even though I knew that thousands of people did this, it felt like we were the only two people in the world that would feel it exactly the way we were. And I felt really lucky for being able to experience it. It was a nice change, feeling as if there were actually good things in my life.

He pulled his lips from mine and I could catch my breath.

"I love you," he repeated.

"I love you too," I replied. "I think I could go outside with you."

His face lit up in a smile that I couldn't help returning; "We should go soon, then." He kissed me one last time. "Um... do you have any clothes I could borrow?" he added, blushing.

~~~~~

We were at the door, and I had frozen. It had suddenly dawned on me what I was about to do and I was thinking of everything that could happen. I didn't need everyone hating me to add onto my list of problems.

"Nico." Percy took my hand and squeezed it. "C'mon, you can do this."

I sucked in a breath then remembered one last thing; "Percy…"

"Yeah?"

"Uh- What do I tell people?" my voice grew softer as I grew nervous "Li-like.. what do I tell them about- about us. If they ask, what do I say?"

"Well…" he thought for a moment. "Tell them that I love you and that I'm staying with you no matter what."

"So are we- um, boyfriends?"

"We are whatever you want us to be." He wrapped me in his arms one more time and I slowed my breathing. "Ready?"

"Ready," I lied. Then he opened the door and we were outside, in the sun, during the day.
After my eyes adjusted I could see people- all of the other campers who probably didn't even remember that I existed. If I was to be honest, it felt kind of nice; seeing all of these people who were so happy and content. But then I remembered that they were all wrong.

Percy took my hand in his and slowly we walked further and further from the safety of my cabin. We were in yelling distance of the other cabins when someone saw us, or rather Percy, and started walking towards us. I leaned into Percy and closed my eyes, not wanting to have to talk to them.

"Hey Percy." From their voice, I could tell they were a girl. "You're late, and is that…?"

"Nico," he completed. I opened my eyes slowly, she was looking at me and I looked away. It was Annabeth, the one who'd looked after me in the infirmary on the Argo II.

"Hello Nico," she said, her voice quiet now. She turned to Percy. "Is he okay?"

"He's doing alright, but I don't know if he'll talk to you," he replied for me. I wanted to be brave for him, so I pulled slightly away from him.

"Hi," I said, the one word making me so nervous of her reaction. She looked back at me, her eyes scanning my face for something.

"Can I?" she asked, extending her arms. I don't think I could do this. Just this little thing, like having her ask to hug me, made me feel just so horrible. I buried my face in Percy's shirt and held him; my lifeline. "Oh my gods! I'm so sorry!" She rushed the words "I thought- I thought it- I'm sorry!"

"It's okay," Percy said. "You didn't know, it's hard for him and I think it'd be easier if we just went to- uh, we have Archery, right?" I didn't hear her say anything. She must have nodded or something, and left because the next thing I knew Percy was holding me and whispering in my ear.

"Come on, Nico, we have to go now. It's okay. I love you. You can do this." I slowly pulled myself from him and looked at him. He kissed me quickly before he slowly led me in the direction of the Archery Arena.

A/N: I'm feeling like shit, but if anyone needs to talk I'm always here for anybody, or my Tumblr Ask ( ask) I love and care for you, no matter what okay? Also, it means everything to me when you guys review, I know I haven't replied to any, but I will get around to them when I have the time. It's surprisingly tiring and time consuming to be even just a little bit broken.

I love you guys, you make me so happy 3