Disclaimer: All characters used are not mine, and are property of Marvel/Disney, and DC/Warner Bros. I'm just stealing them for this and I gain no profit from this. I'll put them back as I found them when I'm done, promise.

Rating: K+, some naughty words, but that's about it. Shouldn't be anything that'll make somebody go crying to their mother…

Category: General/Humor

Summary: Something's up on the newly repaired Helicarrier and Fury is positive that Tony Stark is behind it. X-over fic, post Avengers/TDKR movie-verses.

A/N: For this fic, I've set the events of TDKR happening before the events of The Avengers, so this fic is sets a few weeks after The Avengers, and months after the end of TDKR.

Security Protocols

RaptorChicky

Director Fury was sure it was completely Stark's fault. He wasn't sure what exactly was going on, but something was wrong, so it had to be something Stark did. Repairs on the Helicarrier were finally complete, but now Fury was getting reports from all over the carrier from patrols spotting something odd or of patrols just not reporting in at all. There was no pattern to the reports, only that they were closing in on the bridge.

After the last incident, Fury was taking no chances. He'd upped the security sweeps, electronic and human, and he'd sent Agents Barton and Romanoff out to investigate. Agent Hill was coordinating from the bridge beside him, he fingers flying over the screen of her notebook. The suspected perpetrator—Stark—was behind him at the conference table, lounging in his chair with his feet propped up onto the table while doing something on his phone, seemingly oblivious to the next potential crisis. The only one who appeared concerned was Captain Rodgers; he maintained his position off to Fury's left, gripping the railing while peering down into the busy communications pit below them.

"Sir," Agent Hill called out, "they've just found a worm program affecting our camera feeds—that explains why we haven't seen anything. And-" She paused, her dark brows flying up before furrowing together. "We've just lost contact with Barton and Romanoff."

Fury scowled. "Where?"

"This deck, sir."

He bit back a curse as Rodgers stepped away from the railing and joined the two SHIELD operatives. "No, I want you to stay here with us, Captain," Fury answered the questioning look in Rodgers' eyes. "Seal off every possible entry onto the bridge except the main one—I don't want an ant getting in here without us knowing it! Pull security personnel back onto the bridge and keep all eyes on that door!"

"Already done," Hill replied as over a dozen black-garbed guards swarmed in through the main portal.

This finally snagged Stark's attention—he leapt up from his seat, darted over to the nearby alcove where he'd left his armor and suited up. By the time Iron Man joined the little impromptu party, the guards had closed ranks around the director, and a scattering of more SHIELD agents lined up along the sides, eyes and weapons keenly fixed on the only way onto the bridge.

One minute became two, which quickly became five. Nobody moved, nobody spoke, nothing broke the stillness of the bridge inside or outside the entryway everyone was focused on. At the seven minute mark, the tension was finally broken.

"Oh, come on!" Tony cried out, his voice tinny over the suit's speakers, causing a few to startle. "What's taking the Avon lady so long?! Did they get lost?!"

Fury opened his mouth to silence the billionaire, but his own words where silenced when something was pressed against the back of his skull.

"And you're dead, Director Fury," a harsh growl of a voice rasped in his ear.

An explosion of movement filled the platform. Fury dropped to one knee, pivoting as he went, swinging his firearm around and up, the trigger a twitch away from being pulled. All agents swung their positions around, barking out orders of "Don't move!" or "Freeze!"

Well, almost all the agents….

Everybody's new focus was one of the security personnel. Rogers had jerked the man away before Fury could finish bringing his weapon around and the super-soldier now had their security breach pinned against a bank of consoles, one hand tightly wrapped around the man's throat, and the other holding a loaned pistol to his head. Strangely enough, the intruder, who was doing an odd impression of a Christmas tree the way the targeting lasers where lighting his large frame up, wasn't trying to resist. Stranger still, Fury noted, was how he wasn't properly armed. Yes, he was carrying the standard weaponry, but the assault rifle's strap was swung over his soldier, uncomfortably pinning the rifle between his back and the consoles, and the sidearm was still secure in its holster. The only threatening move he was making was one black gloved hand slowing making its way towards his head, where it removed his goggles. A pair of sharp hazel eyes glared up at Rodgers and then over to Fury before flicking over to Iron Man.

"Hello, Tony." Despite the harshness of the voice, the smirk in those two words was still evident.

Iron Man's hand dropped, the repulsor powering down with a dull whine, and the face plate snapped up, revealing Tony's face pale with shock. "You- You-" he sputtered. "…You dickhead!" Tony exploded as he surged forward, shoving Rodgers aside. "Dammit Steve, let him go!"

The man in black started to stand, but was promptly pushed back down when Tony jabbed a finger not-so-gently in the middle of his chest. "They told me you were dead! Twice! What the hell?!"

The mystery man pushed Tony's hand away and stood. "Couldn't let you get ahead of me, now could I?"

Fury cut in before Stark could respond. "Stark, how do you know this man?" Better yet, he thought, who was this man? Anybody who could make Tony Stark lose his train of thought was well worth having around…

"Worked with him on a few…projects and could your merry men please point their peashooters somewhere else? He's a prick, but he's a good guy—most of the time—and he really doesn't like having guns pointed at him…"

A slight nod from the director and all weapons where lowered, though no one bothered to back away or relax. "Fine. Then who is he?"

No one heard their 'guest' murmur, "Alright, now."

The entire bridge was plunged into darkness, save for the faint glow of Tony's chest reactor. Up on the platform, despite the cries of alarm, they could hear the rustle and ripping of cloth. Less than 15 seconds later, the lights snapped back on and everybody got the answer to Fury's question. The balaclava and black security uniform has been removed, replaced by black body armor, cape and horned cowl. Now some individuals backed away, followed by muttering along the lines of, "Shit, I thought he died!"

Tony only glared at the Bat. "Show off."

Steve suddenly started coughing.

Fury met Batman's hard gaze with his own and neither flinched. When the Bat has first popped up over eight years ago, Fury had fought hard to get him recruited for the Initiative, but it had been a total failure. The man was a ghost and SHIELD agents counted themselves lucky if they caught sight of a cape disappearing into the shadows. Hell, they couldn't come close to cracking his identity and that accountant had been a gibbering dead-end. Finally face-to-face with this urban legend, Fury felt a twinge of guilt and anger over not being allowed to do more during Gotham's occupation; SHIELD agents had found the way in, but none of her agents had been allowed to go in.

"I don't suppose you'd care to enlighten me as to why you thought this little social call was necessary?"

A smirk tugged at one corner of the cowled man's mouth. "Tony mentioned something along the lines of how surprisingly lax SHIELD's security protocols were and I decided now would be a good time to test his statement."

"What?!" Tony practically shrieked, not noticing or not caring how every single SHIELD agent within earshot was now giving him the stink-eye. "When the hell did I do this?!"

Instead of Batman replying, it was JARVIS who broke in over the Helicarrier's speaker system. "I believe it was last year, sir, during your last trip to Gotham City. I can replay your conversation if you-"

"No! There's no need for that JARVIS! And what are you doing cozying up to SHIELD's computer?! Is there something you're not telling me about?"

"No, sir. I was simply-"

A dull slam cut the AI off—Fury's fist had crashed down onto a control panel, effectively muting the speakers. "Mr. Stark, am I to believe that you discussed SHIELD security matters with an uncleared civilian?" Fury started mentally debating what would get him into more trouble: simply shooting Stark, or shooting Stark and then tossing him off the Helicarrier. "And you," he snapped, turning his eye back to the civilian in question, "what did you do to my people?"

"Look, I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for this… We'd just sealed this sweet deal and Pepper actually told Daggett off—god, that was awesome-"

"Tony only said the security seemed lax," Batman cut Tony's rambling off, while edging around and in front of Stark in what could almost be interpreted as a defensive move, "he never said how. That was all on my end." A slick little black thumb drive suddenly appeared in his hand. "It's all here, along with how to get rid of that worm that's been compromising your video feeds," he said, offering the drive to Agent Hill. "And your people are fine—just a mild sedative, so they'll be waking up within the next half hour."

And with that, his objective complete, Batman considered this conversation over. He gave a polite nod to Captain Rodgers and Agent Hill before sweeping past everybody on the platform, and he exited the bridge, his heavy cape swirling behind him. No one tried to stop him.

Well, except for one—Tony wasn't going to let this one go.

Tony hurried after the departing shadow, "Now, wait a minute! You come back from the dead—and thank you so much for updating me on your "not dead" status, you prick—just to get a one-up on SHIELD and get me into trouble?! Oh! Oh, I get what's going on here! You're just mad that I hacked into that flying monstrosity of yours!"

"Let's just say your musical selection wasn't to our tastes…"

"Oh, come on!" Tony's exclamation could still be heard as the duo rounded a corner. "The "Bat Out of Hell" album is a classic! How can you not like it? Never mind how appropriate it is…"

Fury could only watch them go, his eye twitching as he felt a migraine creeping up on him.

Yup, definitely Stark's fault.

More author ramblings: Oh, my god. I have no idea where this really came from. Especially since I haven't submitted anything in almost 9 years… Eesh. But just a few notes from my little fan girl brain… I see Bruce doing this strictly for trolling purposes, especially since it gets Tony in trouble. And the guy's gotta find some sort of hobby since he's effectively retired… The two men are equals in more than just social standing and their chosen professions, and I can see Tony being one of the few individuals in Bruce's life who could get more light hearted reactions out of him (e.g. pulling pranks on each other, and just overall annoying the hell out of each other). And with the stress of being Gotham's protector no longer his to bear, Bruce would definitely feel more open and let more smart-assery come out. Just picture the 2 of them sniping at each other as they make their way to an exit… I mulled over what "musical selection" Tony had for the "monstrosity"—I was considering Stokowski's arrangement of "Night on Bald Mountain", but Meat Loaf was more Tony's style. The overall tone of "Tony Stark is The Instigator" is swiped from the Memos From Fury tumblr…one of Tony's little pet names for Bruce was swiped from ProseEdda's "The Bat Who Fell From the Sky" (go..read it…now)…to read more "Wild Adventures of Bruce n Tony," may I suggest Dances With Monkey's fic "Iron and Kevlar"?

Please feel free to review this, but please try to refrain from flaming the daylights out of it. The piece isn't meant to be anything spectacular, and Joss Whedon I am not. (I could only dream of being that full of awesome.) I'll try to respond to any questions and comments as well as I can, and if there are any glaring errors that I and my beta somehow missed, please point them out to me and I'll see what I can do about them. And I apologize if the formatting sucks-took me a while to figure out how to submit this thing, so...yeah... Thank you for reading!