ALICE AND THE 80,000 TAMPON!, a twilight fanfic

ALICE AND THE $80,000 TAMPON!

ALICE'S POV

What a beautiful day! The sun is hiding and the clouds of rain are poring away ! Hey , that rhymed! I wanna go shopping! Aw , I can't ! Carlisle cut of my credit card because apparently 'I spend too much' ! Can you believe it ? I buy this whole family designer clothes and this is how they repay me!

"Alice?" My stunning husband Jasper – god of war – said walking into our room .

"Yeah Jazzy?" Jazzy is my nickname for him , he calls me Ali !

"I felt sorry for you when I heard our deer coven leader Carlisle Cullen cut of your baby A.K.A you're your credit card named Tilly , I decided to take $2,000 of my credit card , Willy , put it on Tilly and you can go shopping !"

"YAY!" JAZZY IS SO GREAT!

"But Carlisle doesn't know – alright ?"

"Sure , sure , have fun on your hunting trip with Edward and Emmett ." I said before kissing his lips and racing to my car .

I drove to the mall and got a text from jazzy !

Jasper : I was gonna tell u b4 u ran off … lol , that if u need more money then just get it out my account : P

Alice : srry 4 runnin' off Jazzy : O , thnx soooooo much , luv u!

Jazzy : Luv u too !

I arrived at the mall and went into Gucci and bought designer clothes for everyone .

I got this :

Carlisle – designer black suit

Edward – Button down shirt and brownish trousers

Esme – a purple dress with sleeves to the elbow .

Rosalie – a floral dress with baby pink heels

Bella – a red dress similar to rose's but different in many ways

Renesmee – a white dress with little frills

Emmett – a blue jumper and grey pants

Jacob , Embry , Seth , Quill – greyish jeans and jumpers (different colours)

Jasper – a button down shirt and black polished shoes .

Me – THE ENTIRE SPRING COLLECTION! (APART FROM WHAT I GOT ROSE , BELLA AND ESME .)

OH MY JASPER!

I HAVE SPENT THE $2,000 !

Oh wait , Jazzy said I could just take more money out of his account .

I went to the nearest ATM and took out $80,000 ! That's so little money! I'll take more out another day !

"Hey Alice!" Greeted Seth , who walked up behind me .

"Oh hey Seth , hey Jake , Quill and Embry !"

"Hey pixie !" Said Jacob .

"Hey shorty !" Said Embry .

"Hey ….. person!" Said Quill , everyone's eye brows knitted together in confusion .

"Did you just say 'hey person' ?" Asked Jake to Quill .

"Um , yeah … I couldn't think of a better funny nickname like you guys !" He said blushing .

" A better funny nickname , how is person a funny nickname ?" Asked Embry .

"Whatever , at least my mom isn't a slut!" Quill exclaimed .

"Oh yeah , least I don't have a gay haircut !" Embry shouted back .

"My hair isn't gay!" He retorted back .

"YES IT FUCKING IS DUDE , YOU LOOK LIKE HARRY STYLES THE FUCKING GAY LORD FROM THE SHIT BAND GAY ERETION !" Embry screamed . (A/N sorry 4 those who like 1D don't mean it , just cuz I'm not a fan of them doesn't mean I hate them , just dislike ….. don't hate me : P)

"I think it's pronounced ; One direction ?" Quill said back calmly .

"I know the you fucking pronounce it you stupid , motherfucking cunt !" Embry said shaking .

"STOP IT GUYS , HE'S GONNA PHASE !" Jacob (Jake) said butting in . "Me and Embry are gonna go buy some things that we need for something , you and Seth can go get some milk shakes or something ." He said before leaving with Embry .

Seth and Quill went to get milk shakes .

EMBRY'S POV

Me and Jake came out of the adult store and placed our porn magazines in a bag where you couldn't see them , we went into wall mart and bought some baby wipes for , um , cleaning up…..

"Hey wanna buy some tampons ?" I asked Jake .

"Why the fuck do need tampons ? Are you wanna those freaks who's a man but has a pussy?" He asked freaking out (A/N , NOT MENT TO HURT FEELINGS , JUST A LITTLE FUN , I DON'T HATE PEOPLE LIKE THAT!)

"No dude , I said to Quill that my mom left a used tampon in the shower and h-" Jake cut me off .

"She left a used tampon in the shower ?" He asked looking repulsed .

"Yeah – she's a freak , anyway I told Quill and he was all like 'what the fuck is a tampon?' so before I got to tell him my mom shouted to me to pick up some lingerie for her when I came to the mall today – that reminds me – I need to pick up her lingerie for her !"

"So you wanna but some tampons and tell them their used for something else and embarrass them in public ?"

"Hell yeah!" I said .

We picked up the tampons and went to the check out .

The women working at wall mart said ,"Hello thank you for shopping at wall mart , baby wipes and tam-pons , um that'll be –" Jake cut her off .

"They're not for us, they're for my sister , she paid me to but her some."

"Oh right , sorry sir , um that's $16.99 please?" She said inbertween laughs .

We paid for the stuff and left .

We picked up my mom's lingerie and went back to Embry and Seth who were at the milkshake shop called : Shakeaholic (A/N , FIRST OF ALL SORRY 4 ALL THE A/N'S BUT INHAVE 2 , SHAKEAHOLIC IS A REAL MILKSHAKE SHOP , NO COPYRIGHT INTENDED WHATEVER , WALL MART REAL STORE , WTF , ALL THAT SHIT , BLAH BLAH BLAH , YEAH THE MILSHAKES THERE ARE AWSUM !)

"Hey guys , what you get ?" Seth asked smiling in a friendly way .

"Oh nothing , some stuff we need for some stuff , um , also some tampons ." I said .

"Hey we got you guys some shake's ." Quill said handing me and Jake the milkshakes .

"Thanks ." Me and Jake said together .

"You're welcome , um , what's tampons ?" Seth asked "Quill said that Embry's mom let a used on used one in the shower ?"

"There ear rings !" Jake said , we'd agreed what we were gonna tell them .

"REALLY? " Quill asked "A USED EARING , WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT?" Quill asked

"Yes really , I had earwax stuck to it and stuff ! Now shut it you faggot !" I said back .

"Best thing about the is you don't need to your ear's pierced !" Jacob claimed.

"Really ? Can guys where them too ? " Seth questioned .

"Sure , you guys should put them on ." I said "They're super cool"

"Are you guys putting them on too ?" Quill asked .

"Um , we can't , err , um , our , um ear's a too big ." Jake stuttered .

Me and Jake tied to tampons to both of our friends ears .

"You also suck on them ." I said .

" They taste good , it takes a while for the flavours to kick in but it works !" Jake lied .

"Awesome !" Seth said .

I handed them another tampon each and they placed them in their mouths and began sucking on

them .

Me and Jake smiled evilly to ourselves .

ALICE'S POV

After saying goodbye to Seth and Quill I went into Gucci and there it was …

The most beautiful thing I'd ever seen ( well second , Jazz is first ) .

A diamond incrusted tampon!

A brand new Gucci product !

Only one in the world!

Worth $80,000 !

I picked it up and paid for it before driving home to Jazz who should be back from his hunting trip .

Jasper's POV

I was sitting in the living room reading my newest history booked I purchased at Warterstones

'Union sucks ass , confederates should of won because they were way hotter then the others and

were stronger and better in bed and are soooooooooo fucking cool!' by 'Mary Alice

Brandon' . Wonder who she is ? A MOTHERFUCKING AWSOME AUTHOR THAT'S WHO SHE

IS!

Edward and Bella were sitting chewing each other's face's off , sadly's I had to feel everything they

felt . Rose was sitting on Emmett's , Nessie fast asleep on their knees , wrapped in a blanket , knee

and Esme was in the kitchen with Carlisle , she was cleaning her

already disinfected house and her husband was completing his work from the hospital .

When suddenly my wife burst through the door singing .

She sang .

"Dear Diary

Mood: Apathetic

My life is spiraling downward I couldn't get enough money to go to the blood red romance and

suffocate me dry concert It sucks cause they play some of my favorite songs like "Stab My Heart

Because I Love You" and "Rip Apart My Soul" and of course "Stabby Rip Stab Stab" And It doesn't

help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either…Like that guy from that band can

do...Some days, ya know...

I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be

You'd be non-conforming too if you look just like me

I have paint on my nails and makeup on my face

I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs

Cause I feel real deep when I'm dressing in drag

I call it freedom of expression, most just call me a fag

'Cause our dudes look like chicks and chicks look like dykes

Cause emo is one step below transvestite

Stop my breathing and slit my throat

I must be emo

I don't jump around when I go to shows

I must be emo

I'm dark and sensitive with low self esteem

The way I dress makes everyday feel like Halloween

I have no real problems but I like to make believe

I stole my sister's mascara now I'm grounded for a week

Sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies

I can't get through a hawthorne heights album without sobbing

Girls keep breaking up with me, it's never any fun

They say they already have a pussy, they don't need another one

Stop my breathing and slit my throat

I must be emo

I don't jump around when I go to shows

I must be emo

Dye in my hair and polish on my toes

I must be emo

I play guitar and write suicide notes

I must be emo

my life is just a black abyss... ya know..it's so dark. And it's suffocating me, grabbing a hold of me and tightening its grip, tighter than a pair of my little sisters jeans...which look great on me by the way.

When I get depressed I cut my wrist in every direction

Hearing songs about getting dumped gives me an erection

I write in a live journal and wear thick rimmed glasses

I tell my friends I bleed black and cry during classes

I'm just a bad, cheap imitation of goth

You can read me "Catcher in the Rye" and watch me jack off

I wear skin tight clothes while hating my life

If I said that I like girls I'd only be half right

I look like I'm dead and dress like a homo

I must be emo

Screw xbox I play old school Nintendo

I must be emo

I like to whine and hate my parentals

I must be emo

Me and my friends all look like clones

I must be emo

My parents don't get me ya know

They think I'm gay just because they saw me kiss a guy… well, a couple guys …but still, I mean it's the 2000's, can't two…or 4 dudes make out with each other without being gay

I mean, chicks dig that kinda thing anyways

I don't know diary, sometimes I think you are the only one that gets meyou're my best friend

I feel like tacos !"

"Why are you singing 'emo kid ' finally excepted Jasper and Edward's style ?"Emmett asked my

wife . Edward and I growled .

"LOOK WHAT I

BOUGHT!

!" Alice exclaimed .

She gave everyone their clothes – except the pack as they were not here – she'd give them to them

later .

she then said . "Jazz , I pulled out $80,000 out of your bank account and bought

this!

She held up a white tampon with real diamonds incrusted into it , it had little diamonds incrusted

into the string as well . She spent

…

….. $80,000 on a tampon

…

she is my wife and I love her so much but SHE SPENT $80'000 ON A MOTHERFUKING

TAMPON! WHY THE

FUCK?

SHE IS A VAMPIRE , VAMPIRE'S CAN EVEN BE ON THEIR PERIODS ! WHY WOULD SHE WANT

OR NEED A TAMPON – EXPECIALLY A TAMPON THAT COSTS THAT MOTHERFUCKING

MUCH?

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled .

"What I do wrong Jazzy ?" Alice asked me .

"Nothing Ali , nothing ." I told her .

"YAY!

!" She beamed brightly and hugged me tightly and kissed me lightly on the

lips .

"Let me get this straight though , you spent $80,000 on a tampon , despite the fact , vampire's can't

ovulate ? " I asked my beautiful , shopaholic of a wife .

"YEP!" She tweeted .

"Hey guy's what's all the yelling about ?" Seth asked , tampons dangling from his ears , once he was

done speaking he placed a tampon between his lips and began sucking on it , Quill was doing the

same , Jake and Embry were standing behind them snickering .

"WHAT THE FUCK?" EMMETT YELLED THEN BURST OUT LAUGHING , SO DID EVERYONE ELSE ,

INCLUDING MYSELF – EVERYONE BUT THE TWO DUDE'S WITH TAMPONS IN THEIRE EARS AND

MOUTHS .

"What are you laughing at ?" Quill asked .

Everyone burst out laughing again .

After an hour passed , everyone had just about calmed down and Quill and Seth knew the real

meaning and use of a tampon .

I'm surprised Nessie didn't wake up to hear about this .

"Hold on a minute , didn't I say Alice was not to shop ?" Carlisle said looking at Alice sternly .

ALICE SCREAMED .

"VAMPIRE'S NEVER LOOSE MEMORY !" CARLISLE SHOUTED AND STUCK HIS TOUNGE OUT AT ALICE .

HE THEN ADDED "JASPER YOU GAVE HER MONEY , DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS ? YOUR GETTING A SPANKING TOO!" HE CONFIMED .

ALICE AND I YELLED TOGETHER .

WE WERE DRAGGED INTO THE OFFICE AND RETUNRED WITH RED BOTTOMS

"SORRY JAZZY !" ALICE SAID TO ME .

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLIGIZE , I'M SORRY ALI !"

"YOU DON'T ITHER !" SHE SAID BACK .

WE KISSED AND WENT TO OUR ROOM .

DOWNSTAIRS WE HEARED CARLISLE AND ESME TALKING .

"HEY YOU KNOW TAMPONS ?" ESME SAID TO HER HUSBAND .

"UM , YEAH ." CARLISLE SAID SLIGHTLY CONFUSED .

"THEY LOOK LIKE YOU ." SHE SAID GIGGLING .

ME AND ALICE WENT DOWN STAIRS AND EVERYONE (NESSIE IS IN EDWARDS ROOM IN THIS HOUSE

UPSTAIRS SLEEPING) WAS IN THE KITCHEN TOO WATCHING THEM , EMMETT HAD BEEN THERE

FROM THE BEGINNING RECORDING IT ALL .

"YOU EAT CHEESE AND YOU FUCK NUTS -" SHE POINTED TO THE TOASTER "LOOK LIKE A FUCKING

GOD DAMN TOASTER ! NOW MAKE ME SOME WAFFLES

SHE LOOKED AT THE TOASTER FERICLY .

"UM , HONEY , I DON'T THINK THE TOASTER IS GOING TO MAKE YOU ANY WAFFLES ." CARLISLE

SAID.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP CARLYZLE !

"UM , IT'S PRONOUNCED CARL -I-LE !" he said .

"no itzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz notttttttttttt!"

She then broke out into song :

" Death to the ladies first, then the gentlemen

All sorts of tax-free face-lift-abortion-nervous-break-dance

Satanic girls gone wild

Truly fuckin' suicidal

First, you try to fuck it.

Then, you try to eat it.

If it hasn't learned your name,

You'd better kill it before they see it

First, you try to fuck it

Then, you try to eat it

If it hasn't learned your name,

You'd better kill it before they see it

It's arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon

(Fuck! Eat! Kill! Now do it again!)

It's arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon

(Fuck! Eat! Kill! [etc])

First, you try to fuck it

Then, you try to eat it

If it hasn't learned your name

You'd better kill it before they see it

It's arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon

I've got a black eye of a soul

My morals in a hole

I wish I was still dead

But the TV said it's a tropical depression

Pointless intervention, legal separation

Call my dealer or my lawyer, "We've got a situation!"

First, you try to fuck it

Then, you try to eat it

If it hasn't learned your name,

You'd better kill it before they see it

First, you try to fuck it

Then, you try to eat it

If it hasn't learned your name,

You'd better kill it before they see it

It's arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon

(Fuck! Eat! Kill! Now do it again!)

It's arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon

(Fuck! Eat! Kill! [etc])

Is it the news?

Or is it the noose?

The same results may vary,

Side effects are very

It's arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon

Arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon

It's arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon

(Fuck! Eat! Kill! Then do it again!)

It's arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon

(Fuck! Eat! Kill! [etc])

Fuck the goddamn TV and the radio

And fuck making hits, I'm taking credit for the death toll

It's arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon

It's arma-goddamn-mother-fuckin-geddon !"

"why are you singing Marlin Manson – arma goddamn mother-fucking geddon ?" I asked curious .

"Why not ?" she snapped back .

"She's got a point , Jazz !" Emmett said , I nodded and he smirked .

"How about more songs ?

Take my hand, and you will

Never see the daylight again

Come in, come in, to the blood red

Chapel of sin

Inside, You'll see, The horrors

of reality

now beg, now scream

bow down and bleed for me

You've got blood, We'll take it

Come on in, into the chapel of blood

Now don't, be afraid,

as I mutilate you with this blade

your body, it lays, in a pool

of blood on display

I won't, forget, the beauty of your

blood as it drips

now beg, now scream

bow down and bleed for me

You've got blood, We'll take it

Come on in, into the chapel of blood

Into the chapel of blood

Bow down and bleed for me

You've got blood, We'll take it

Come on in, into the chapel of blood

Into the chapel of blood

Into the chapel of blood...

Or how about this song ?

Ha-Ha! Well now we call this the act of mating

But there are several other very important differences

Between human beings and animals that you should know about

I'd appreciate your input

Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought

Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about

So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts

Yes I'm sisco yes I'm ebert and you're getting two thumbs up

You've had enough of two-hand touch you want it rough you're out of bounds

I want you smothered want you covered like my Waffle House hashbrowns

Come quicker than FedEx never reach an apex like Coca-Cola stock you are

Inclined

To make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time

Do it now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Do it again now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Gettin' horny now

Love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket

Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it

Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific I wanna be down in your South Seas

But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means "Small Craft

Advisory"

So if I capsize on your thighs high tide B-5 you sunk my battleship

Please turn me on I'm Mister Coffee with an automatic drip

So show me yours I'll show you mine "Tool Time" you'll Lovett just like Lyle

And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch "X-Files"

Do it now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Do it again now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Gettin' horny now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Do it again now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Do it now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Do it again now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Gettin' horny now

So what you think motherfuckers ?"

"Darling , have you been eating crazy beans again ?" Carlisle asked .

"NO !" Esme exclaimed .

"YOU SMELL LIKE THEM AND HAVE THEN ROUND YOUR MOUTH!" HE SAID

"NO SEX FOR A DECADE FOR THAT!" SHE YELLED .

"YEAH RIGHT , WANNA BET ?" HE SAID.

"NO CUZ I'D LOOSE!" SHE SAID .

"NOW , HAVE YOU BEEN EATING CRAZY BEANS ?" HE SAID .

"MAYBE …" SHE SAID .

"AWSOME WE HAVE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" HE SAID.

THEN ALL THE CULLENS AND THE BLACK PACK (EXCEPT FOR ME , NESSIE WHO IS STILL SLEEPING AND

LEAH ) STARTED TO SING SONGS .

"And if they get me and the sun goes down into the ground

And if they get me take this spike to my heart and

And if they get me and the sun goes down

And if they get me take this spike and

You put the spike in my heart

And if the sun comes up will it tear the skin right off our bones

And then as razor sharp white teeth rip out our necks I saw you there

Someone get me to the doctor, someone get me to a church

Where they can pump this venom gaping hole

And you must keep your soul like a secret in your throat

And if they come and get me

You put the spike in my heart

And if they get me and the sun goes down

And if they get me take this spike and

[Chorus]

Can you take this spike?

Will it fill our hearts with thoughts of endless

Night time sky

Can you take this spike?

Will it wash away this jet black feeling?

And now the nightclub set the stage for this they come in pairs she said

We'll shoot back holy water like cheap whiskey they're always there

Someone get me to the doctor, and someone call the nurse

And someone buy me roses, and someone burned the church

We're hanging out with corpses, and driving in this hearse

And someone save my soul tonight, please save my soul

[Chorus]

Can you take this spike?

Will it fill our hearts with thoughts of endless

Night time sky

Can you take this spike?

Will it wash away this jet black now?

And as these days watch over time, and as these days watch over time

And as these days watch over us tonight

[x2]

I'll never let them, I'll never let them

I'll never let them hurt you not tonight

I'll never let them, I can't forget them

I'll never let them hurt you, I promise

Struck down, before our prime

Before, you got off the floor

Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart?

(And these thoughts of endless night

Bring us back into the light

And this venom from my heart)

Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart?

(And these thoughts of endless night

Bring us back into the light

Kill this venom from my heart)

Can you stake me before the sun goes down?

(And as always, innocent like roller coasters.

Fatality is like ghosts in snow and you have no idea what you're up against

Because I've seen what they look like.

Becoming perfect as if they were sterling silver chainsaws going cascading...) "

I THEN JOINED THEM AND WE SANG :

"What we've got here is failure to communicate.

Some men you just can't reach...

So, you get what we had here last week,

Which is the way he wants it !

Well, he gets it !

N' I don't like it any more than you men.

Look at your young men fighting

Look at your women crying

Look at your young men dying

The way they've always done before

Look at the hate we're breeding

Look at the fear we're feeding

Look at the lives we're leading

The way we've always done before

My hands are tied

The billions shift from side to side

And the wars go on with brainwashed pride

For the love of God and our human rights

And all these things are swept aside

By bloody hands time can't deny

And are washed away by your genocide

And history hides the lies of our civil wars

D'you wear a black armband

When they shot the man

Who said "Peace could last forever"

And in my first memories

They shot Kennedy

I went numb when I learned to see

So I never fell for Vietnam

We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all

That you can't trust freedom

When it's not in your hands

When everybody's fightin'

For their promised land

And

I don't need your civil war

It feeds the rich while it buries the poor

You're power hungry sellin' soldiers

In a human grocery store

Ain't that fresh

I don't need your civil war

Look at the shoes you're filling

Look at the blood we're spilling

Look at the world we're killing

The way we've always done before

Look in the doubt we've wallowed

Look at the leaders we've followed

Look at the lies we've swallowed

And I don't want to hear no more

My hands are tied

For all I've seen has changed my mind

But still the wars go on as the years go by

With no love of God or our human rights

and all these dreams are swept aside

By bloody hands of the hypnotized

Who carry the cross of homicide

And history bears the scars of our civil wars

We practice selective annihilation

Of mayors and government officials

For example to create a vacuum

Then we fill that vacuum

As popular war advances

Peace is closer

I don't need your civil war

It feeds the rich while it buries the poor

You're power hungry sellin' soldiers

In a human grocery store

Ain't that fresh

And I don't need your civil war

I don't need your civil war

You're power hungry sellin' soldiers

In a human grocery store

Ain't that fresh

I don't need your civil war

I don't need one more war

Whaz so civil 'bout war anyway? "

WE THEN SANG :

"MY NAME IS BOB ,

I'M A MASSIVE KNOB ,

I AM A FUCKING DICK ,

MY UGLY FACE WILL MAKE YOU WANNA BE SICK ,

I HAVE A CAT ,

HE IS CALLED HAT ,

I LIVE IN A CLOUD ,

MY VOICE IS VERY LOUD ,

I SUCK ON TAMPONS ,

CUZ I HAVE NOTHING ETTER TO DO ,

I SUCK ON TAMPONS ,

CUZ I DON'T HAVE A CLUE ,

I SUCK ON TAMPONS ,

CUZ I'M A SPAZ ,

I SUCK ON TAMPONS ,

I'M STUPID AND GOT NO LASS ,

I AM A FUCKING RETARD ,

I AM CALLED NOBLE !"

WE ALL INISHED SINGING .

"CAN YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP MOTHERFUCKERS , YOU SOUND LIKE A FUCKING CAT BEING

STRANGLED AFTER BEING RAN OVER BY A FUCKING MONSTER TRUCK , I'M TRYING TO FUCKING

SLEEP!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! NESSIE JUST SWORE !" EMMETT YELLED .

"GO FUCK YOURSELF EMMETT!" NESSIE SAID BACK .

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKAY THAT'S THE ENDING .

I OWN THE SONG ABOUT BOB OR WHOEVER WHO SUCKS ON TAMPONS ! :P

I AM A FUCKING REATARD !

THAT STORY WAS SHIT AND POINTLESS….

PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ REVIEW!

IF U FIND MY STORYS OFFENSIVE CAN I SAY :

I DON'T MEAN ANY OF IT .

I AM EMO .

MY BROTHER IS GAY .

I DON'T HATE EVERYONE .

DON'T MAKE FUN OF ILLNESSES OR DISBILEITIES .

AM NOT RASCIST .

SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE BLACK AND INDIAN .

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

REVIEW !

THIS IS DEDICATED TO SNAPPLEAPPLE450FAN3 – U SHUD READ AND REVIEW HER STORYS – HER

NEW ONE TAMPON! HER UTHAS 2 , ANYWAY SNAPPLEAPPLE5450FAN3 IS A GR8 AUTHOR – AND TO MY STORYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYY

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BTW , I TUK UP 28 PAGES WRITING THIS SHIT! : P

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