The Legend Of Magic Cycle, Book 1, The Shoeface Cypher, The Jirrian Chronicals

"Is that white shit in my hair... Ewww." Frantically going threw my hair I threw my shovel aside looking for the white stuff contained in my long locks.

"Great, look at all this dirt I've got underneath my nails. Farm work is for peasants, which sadly i have to solemnly admit I am. An awful shame that fact."

After scraping out the dirt underneath my nails I picked up my shovel and got to work making holes for the seeds.

"Nhoahri!"
I turned round after hearing the voice of one of my old friend called Jirrian. He was running out of the woods that led to a small but sweet village called Christania. Jirrian was an odd fellow, he had ginger hair and freckles, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was a good lad. And we had our fair share of fun, playing hide and seek in the woods, playing jokes on my dad, cleaning the horses. He was without a doubt my best friend, no matter how dense he was.

"Run! Nhoahri run!"

Three small red dogs like creatures lept out of the woods and ripped out Jirrian's throat. One of the dogs stayed to bite off Jirrian's face while the other two came for me. I ran throwing my shovel at them, jumped, on my horse, or more like tried to jump on my horse, Dorothy is a very tall horse okay. I went off at top speed, seconds later realizing i had left my actual best freind, Mr Bear the Teddy Bear behind in the cabin. So circling round the cabin a couple times I dashed in with dorothy and grabbed my bear from my bed while I was passing by. Once out I circled around the cabin some more and then legged it! Well the horse legged it. Me, horse, same thing.

I tried to make it to the next nearest village, which i did, however they were all being killed by the dogs too, so i tried the next one. The next village seemed mostly dog free, apart from the odd wolfhound, which i swear is like the only dog people here know about. I tied dorothy up outside of what seemed to be local tavern, and went inside to see if anyone knew what was going on, as it was awfully strange.

"Oi! Does anyone know anything about crazy red dogs murdering the shit out of people?"
I heard a faint "No!" come from the back of the tavern.

"Damn."

"Oi, girly over 'ere."

I shrugged and walked over to the man shrouded in... Shadow? And he motioned for me to sit next to him. Which i did not do.

"Ah you've got spirit haven't you lass?"

"What does that even mean?"

"I know a man across town, who might know some'in about them dogs. Names Shoeface, wisest man I've ever met."

"Kay, where do i find him?"

"Down the road and to the left."

"Okay... What are you? Like the towns know it all mystery man or something?"

"No, I'm the town drunk."

He then followed this comment by pouring his whole glass into his mouth, or rather his face as I don't believe any of it actually made it down his esophagus. I did as he said, walked down the road and to the left. Where I found an old map shop. I opened the door and strided in like a total boss. I was met by a very small man with a very long and pointy beard, presumably a dwarf.

"Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooo oo there. How may i help you."

"What do you know about killer red dogs."

"Red bogs? No, i don't know what that is."

"Red dogs."

"Red logs? No, i've never seen those."

"Red dogs."

"Red frogs? No those aren't good to lick."

"Red dogs."

"Red fogs? No, I don't think you should walk into that."

"Red dogs."

"Red dogs... Why do you keep saying different things to Shoeface!"

"I don't, you just suck at hearing dude."

"Oh, okay then. Red dogs was it? Yes Shoeface knows a fair bit about them."

"Alright lay it on me."

"But first, why do you want to know the horrors, of the red dog?"

"Oh nothing big, they just killed my family and best friend... Jirrian..."

"Holy Jesus crust!"

"Yeah it really crumbled my cookies. So do you know what they're called?"

"I do indeed ugly one."
"What did you just call me?"

"Nothing."

"... Yeah, i want to know what they're called old man."

"Well then i will tell you."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"They're called... Gimli's!"

"No! Not, Gimli's!... No seriously, what's a Gimli Dumb Face."