Chapter Seven: Oaken Shield

And this, my friends, is where the tone of the tale must change.

Because this is when Kili and Fili and I came to discover that we were on a dangerous quest, not some kind of adventure holiday, and in the wake of that discovery, everything changed.

By any standard, but, by Thorin's most, you could say that Fili and Kili had led a charmed life.

By the time Thorin was their age, he had lost a kingdom, built two cities, lived as a prince, and a pauper, become a Lord and a King, and the hope of a people, had a son, met, married and lost his wife, went to war, and lost his brother, his father and his grandfather.

What had Fili and Kili done in te same amount of years, and what trouble had befallen them?

Not much, on both counts.

They spent most of their lives living in comfort and safety, in splendor and luxury, by Hobbit standards, safe and warm in their Uncle's household, with him and their Mum to look after them, and make sure that they were protected from the worst that the wide world had to offer.

And they were princes, to boot.

Fili and Kili learned to fight on the drilling field, and their Uncle made them both learn a trade and practise it, so that they wouldn't become shallow and spoilt; but even if they were made to work, sometimes very hard, they always knew that their welfare didn't depend on their trade. If Kili had a bad season of hunting, or Fili couldn't get any commissions from any customers in the smithy, they were not gong to starve.

In the limited travels their Uncle allowed them to make, under his supervision, if not always under his eye, they met a girl, fell in love, and got engaged.

Kili dabbled in poetry, like his father and Fili dabbled in debauchery, like his.

Kili played the fiddle; Fili became proficient with about every weapon you can imagine.

As for me, I was the daughter of a great clan and a rich man, so it wasn't as if I had too much hardship, but I had suffered the death of my father, and been thrust rudely into the world of adult responsibilities when I was only 25.

I had to keep a house and hold down a job, and live up to what my community expected of Bagginses and Tooks.

That was no great responsibility, compared to the responsibilities Thorin had to manage at 25, but it gave me some points in his book, towards not being a complete infant.

Also, I was 35, and of age by my people's reckoning, so in Thorin's eyes I was just barely a grown-up. Adult enough to marry, but only to marry a grown man, with money, position and experience, who would act as husband and father on my behalf, until I reached an age at which I might be able to go it alone.

At which time he was probably going to make an exception to Dwarven law such that I could stay married to him, and marry his nephews.

Thorin says he won't, but I know better, and I think Kili and Fili do, too.

They're probably both glad he didn't just decide to keep me all to himself and tell them to shove off.

Now, in terms of the quest, Fili and I were given simple tasks and duties, as befitting his status as the untried heir and my status as a semi-responsible and sort-of adult Hobbit.

Kili was expected to not shoot himself in the foot, and to do whatever it was Fili told him, while he was doing his idiot jobs.

Much to our discredit, on the first leg of the quest, the three of us managed to make a cock up of almost everything we were asked to do

Fili and Kili let trolls steal the ponies, and then I got caught by the trolls, and Thorin gave me no credit for distracting them from eating us until Gandalf and dawn came.

A black mark in all three of our books.

Worse, we made a spectacle of ourselves with our messy and notorious love lives, which resulted in a lot of things becoming common knowledge that embarassed Thorin, and distracted him from his two tasks at hand, leading the quest and making things right with me.

Fili and Kili and their wargshite, well, mostly Kili got me so riled up that when Thorin decided he would show me that he was in aernest about his feelings toward me by marrying me, in a way and seeing to it Kili and Fili were properly engaged to me, I didn't even seem to appreciate it.

After all, he was only trying to get them to behave themselves, and make an honest woman of me.

I was becoming a bit notorious, after all, with Dwarves coming and going and an Elf leaving me at the altar.

On the other hand, we had all made a good showing for ourselves in the orc skirmish, even me, and that counted for something.

And I proved myself useful in foraging for food and helping Bombur cook the way his wife did at home, not to mention that the company found my Tookish teas and salves and powders rather useful.

Also, we were all on our good behavior in Rivendell, especially Kili, and Fili didn't get into any trouble that his Uncle hadn't.

Not to mention that I did agree to be Thorin's wife, of sorts, and we got all the legal matters settled.

And Kili managed to convince Lord Elrond that he was a nice, mannerly young lad of good breeding, and Fili had shown the Elves that he had the makings of being every bit the warlord his father had been, and his Uncle was.

Still, all of our accomplishments taken together was the equivalent of the three of us managing not to trip over our own feet while we were walking.

I will also admit that in the first part of our trip, we did a lot of quarreling over nothing amongst ourselves, much of it about who was sleeping where, and I gave Thorin quite a hard time over a lot of wargshite that had happened a year before and had nothing to do with out trip.

And we carried on in this way, Kili and Fili and I, because we had no idea of the kind of true peril that we were facing, us three innocents abroad, far from our mothers to scold us about wearing our long underwear and warm coats, and from our safe homes and beds and hearths.

Little did we know that we were out in the wild world, where anything could and usually did happen, and death could lurk around every corner.

I was insulted, and I think Fili and Kili were, too, when we were about to go into the mountains, and Thorin insisted that we all hold hands with each other, and I should take Bofur's hand, as well and not let go of it, and Thorin tried, as usual, to explain to us that we were not at homer safe and sound and when he told us to do something we ought to just listen to him.

But then we found ourselves going along that narrow mountain path, in the midst of a thunder battle between giants, and some things happened that would finally make everything Thorin told us sink into our heads.

And make us realise that we were every bit the squabbling pack of children he had told us we were, all along.

For the first time, Fili and Kili and I saw the spectre of Death, not as a hooded figure in the shadows behind a coffin, or as a distant and formless fear, but we saw his rotted skull face, with its eternal grin, smelled his foul breath, and felt the Morgul chill of his scythe on the backs of our necks.

And that changed everything.

When we were in the mountain pass, during that hellish battle of storm giants, for the first time in my life, I felt that my death was imminent.

Mortal terror is a horrible thing; it is an instinctual reaction, and there is nothing human in it.

It is a combination of fear, anger and blind, stupid hope.

I looked at my companions, and, for the most part, these warriors all looked quite calm, in the face of mortal terror.

I imagine my expression was a combination of panic and nausea, and I am sure there was terror in my eyes.

Yes, I was so scared that I very nearly wet my drawers.

Not that, if I had, in the blinding rain, anyone would have noticed.

And that was before the head of the defeated giant crashed into the thin ledge we pressed ourselves against, seemingly crushing half of us.

The rock parted, separating us into two halves, right between Fili and Kili.

And then another huge rock came, and separated us into the living and the dead.

Fili and Bofur and Bifur and Bombur and I, we were to be among the dead.

Bofur threw his body in front of me, and hugged me and I hugged him back.

And I still had hold of Fili's hand, and he still had hold of mine.

With my eyes squeezed shut, I waited for what I hoped would be a quick death.

But the rock picked me up, and took me away from Bofur.

And I didn't have hold of Fili's hand, anymore.

The enormity of what he had just lost dumbfounded Thorin.

He was unable, even to scream, until he saw Kili looking at his hands, reaching across the chasm for Fili and finding that he had nothing to grasp.

The horror on his face made Thorin sick; his gorge rose into his throat.

And to think, only last night, I held my three cubs, my nephews and my little wife, close against my chest, and promised I would protect them. Mahal, why did I not leave the lads safe at home with their mother, and Bella at Bag End? They are all little more than children! What was I thinking?

Hot tears mingled with the cold rain on Thorin's face, and then he began to scream.

Oin laid his hand on Thorin's shoulder.

He said nothing; he had no words, for what words could have meant anything; he only wanted Thorin to know that he was there.

Thorin felt tiny and helpless and furious, for what was any man, Elf or Dwarf but an insect, against the fury of the great stone gods of the mountains.

Screaming his lost nephew's name, Thorin ran to the ledge.

To his great relief, he saw that everyone was still alive, all of them frightened, but none of them even injured.

Thorin breathed a great sigh of relief.

But even then, Bofur looked around, and his eyes grew wild.

"Uncle! I don't have Bella's hand, anymore, either! I couldn't hold her!" Fili exclaimed.

"Not could I, Thorin! I had her! But she's gone! Where's Bella? Where's our Hobbit? Thorin, I lost your wife!" Bofur shouted.

And Thorin felt so sick, this time, that he thought his heart might burst, and he would topple dead into the chasm, below.

All the while Thorin was celebrating that Fili and Kili were alive, Bofur looked in his arms, and found me missing.

"Thorin! I had her! But she's gone! Where's Bella? Where's our Hobbit?"

Where, indeed?

Hanging by her wet hands, to the thin edge of the wet cliff.

I was so terrified, I hadn't even the wits to wet my pants.

Or scream.

And blind, stupid hope had crowded out even fear and anger in my mind.

I lost one handhold, and I wanted to scream, but all I could do was gasp.

Ori and Bofur, who were closest to me were reaching for me, but my arms were too short.

It had not been many times since the fall of Erebor that Thorin had acted, quite without thinking.

But when he saw Bella, just out of Ori or Bofur's reach, he did not even blink, he jumped down to an outcropping, and gave her a push up towards the other Dwarves, who hauled her to safety.

That was when he slipped, as he tried to get back up onto the ledge.

It all happened so quickly that Thorin did not hardly have time to be frightened.

Kili and Fili were safe and so was Bella; he figured he'd manage, somehow.

And he did, because Dwalin grabbed him as fell.

"Kili!" Dwalin grunted, and Kili helped him to haul Thorin to safety.

Dwalin turned to Thorin as he got his footing

"For a moment, I thought we lost our burglar." He said.

"I would have lost a great deal more than that." Thorin replied.

He looked down at Bella, who was standing between Fili and Kili, and saw something in her face he had never seen before.

Pure naked terror.

Bella had a Baggins' practicality and a Took's bravado; she had never been frightened of a thing in her life, not since she was a child, probably.

But, just then, she looked as terrified as a child, and Thorin thought of the late Bungo Baggins, thinking this was the face Bella's father saw, when she was tiny, waking up screaming from a terrible dream.

But the danger he had put her in was no dream, and Thorin had no warm and safe place to return her to.

Thorin lifted his little wife into his arms, and she clung to him like a spider monkey, burying her head against the fur on his collar like she was a frighrened child, and he was her father.

Bella had said that he was father, husband and lover to her, all in one man.

Thorin stroked her wet hair, and held her, tightly.

"She has been lost since she left home! I never should have let her come! A fatherless girl, who looks to me, to be husband and father. This is no errand for a woman, and a Halfling, at that. Her place is in her home, not here with us, at her peril!" Thorin spat.

Kili thought that Thorin sounded angry.

Partly with her, partly with himself, who knew?

Kili didn't.

He didn't know much, he was terrified, himself, and since they were reunited he'd had hold of Fili's hand, and Fili seemed as loath as Kili was to let his brother go.

Uncle Thorin was carrying Bella, and Fili scrambled forward, and Kili saw him grab onto their Uncle's belt.

Thorin turned his head and nodded at both of them.

"We still have to find shelter. Come on, lads."

They went forward, putting one foot in front of the other, as if in a dream, and both saw the cave at the same time.

"There, Uncle! A cave!" Kili pointed out.

Dwalin checked all the way to the back and found it dry and empty.

They all took shelter in it.

Thorin assigned Bofur to take the first watch.

Kili turned to Fili, biting his lip.

"Well, I cried, but at least I didn't piss meself." He said.

"That makes one of us." Fili replied.

"Did you really?"

"Maybe a drop or two. I'll tell you what, though. I'm glad we didn't stop to eat today, or I think I might have shit me pants, for sure!" Fili said.

That made Kili smile.

"And what I'd really like to know is, if I'm so scared that I would have shit meself if I had any shit in me, and me hands are still shaking, why is me cock so hard I can't hardly sit down?" Fili finished.

That actually made Kili laugh.

"Me too! Is that normal?"

"I don't know. I'm not going to look under everybody's coats."

Thorin sat down on the dry floor of the cave with Bella still in his arms.

She didn't look over at them, but she detached one hand from Thorin's clothes and reached for one of them.

Fili was closest, so he took Bella's hand.

"I've got Kili's hand again, too, Bella. We're alright." Fili told her.

"What are you two fookin' chuckling about?" Thorin snapped.

"I was just trying to make Kili feel better, Uncle."

"Never been so terrified in all your lives, have you? Neither has Bella."

"Uncle, is Bella alright?" Kili asked.

"I'm sure she's just scared, too." Fili said.

"Scared? She is terrified, beyond all fear the poor girl has ever imagined! Don't crowd, lads, just find your place to sleep and lie down. Get Bella's blanket out of her pack."

Kili got Bella's blanket out.

Thorin spoke more gently to them, then, and very gently to Bella, as he laid her down on her blanket and put his on top of her.

"It's alright, now, Bella. You're safe, with me." Thorin told her.

"I was so scared, Thorin! I was so scared I was too scared to piss meself!" she squeaked.

"I wish I had been that scared." Fili said.

"You didn't really, did you, Fili? I just washed your clothes." Bella said

"Only a drop or two."

Thorin laid down beside Bella, and tucked his blanket around her.

"She feels safe with me, lads. It's no insult to you."

"She's still got my hand. And I've still got Kili's. So, I don't know about you, Kili, but the rain has chilled me to the bone. I think I'll sleep close to Uncle Thorin's majestic furs, tonight, so I don't freeze." Fili said.

"That's a good idea." Kili agreed.

They wouldn't admit it, but they were scared, too.

Thorin put his arms around all three of them, again, under the blankets, and Kili and Fili and Bella huddled together like three wolf cubs in their dam's den, against the safety of their mother's furs.

One of us them very quietly.

Kili was too scared to cry, and too exhausted to think who was doing it, even if it was him.

So he fell asleep.

Bella slept fitfully, and woke up maybe 15 minutes, maybe an hour, but it felt like days later, sweating under the blankets.

She had been dreaming about the ledge, and the boulder, and she woke up with her breath short and her heart in her mouth, filled with fear.

But then she realised she was safe under her blankets, in the warm, dry cave, with her men.

Thorin had almost killed himself, keeping her safe.

She couldn't sleep anymore, so she stayed awake and thought about things, for awhile.

No matter how she thought it, she kept coming to the same conclusion.

I didn't know if it was the usual result of the passing of mortal terror, but fear had passed from me, and I was left with a calm resolve.

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do.

I snuck away from my men, and quietly packed up.

I was almost to the mouth of the cave when Bofur stopped me.

"Where do you think you're going, Mrs. Thorin Oakenshield? Tired of being married, already?"

"I'm going back to Rivendell, Bofur. For the sake of my husband, and my fiancés. I'm just too much Baggins and not enough Took for this trip. And if I'm going to be the poor little girl, I'll be a distraction to Fili and Kili and Thorin. I nearly got Thorin killed, tonight. He was right. My place is home, at Bag End."

"Bollocks! Do you not think all of us are lying here, terrified, in the dark, thinking of home? Why, I'll bet Thorin himself wishes he was spending this cold, wet night in front of his hearth, in the his family's apartments in his halls, smoking his pipe by the fire, with his sister and his lads. I can almost see the Great Hearth, back home. Right now, I just would have finished helping my brother and our wife get the kitchen cleaned up for the night, and we'd all be sitting by the embers of the Great Hearth, Bifur too. Maybe drying out some pots, and Bombur and Dagmar would be planning our meals for the next day, and then Dagmar would shout in Khuzdul, to ask Bifur if he had enough to eat. She always shouts when she talks to him."

Bofur had spun me such a fine, cosy picture that I almost forgot where we were.

"Balin did say that you and Bombur were married, didn't he? Have you been married long?"

"We've been married to Dagmar for eighteen years. But I don't recall ever not knowing her. We don't have any little ones yet, but, if all goes well, around Durin's Day, I'm going to be and Uncle, and Bombur's going to be a father. So, you can bet that we're homesick. And I know I said I was coming along on this journey for the free beer, which there's not been much of, but I'm thinking of the little one. Our Da, he was one of the Dwarves of Erebor, and it was all Bombur and meself heard about, growing up in the Blue Mountains. He wanted to go home, but he never made it. He would have wanted us to go home, and to have his grandchildren grow up in the halls where he did. All of us, our place is home. And we would all rather be there. Besides, Bella Baggins, Orguldis, Mrs. Thorin Oakenshield, whether you like it or not, you're one of us, now."

I wondered if anybody else recalled the Dwarf name that I had given myself, and smiled a little, to think that Bofur had remembered.

But I wasn't going to let a little sentiment cloud my resolve.

"But I was so scared, Bofur. And so helpless."

"Do you think I wasn't? Against giant storm monsters, with mountaintop heads that bounce down into bottomless chasms? Who can fight that? Why, any Man, Elf, or Dwarf, maybe even our Wizard would have been scared and helpless. Hopefully, the rest of our foes will be flesh and blood. Foes you can fight with your Dwarf axe. And your Elf sword."

Bofur pointed at my sword.

We both looked at it, and saw it was glowing blue.

"Does that mean what I think it does?" Bofur asked.

"Yes! Wargshit!" I exclaimed.

I turned to look at Thorin, and he was awake.

The look on his face echoed what I had just said.

"Wake up! Wake up!" Thorin cried.

That was pretty much all that any of us got to say, save screams before the floor gave out from under us, and sent us tumbling into one of those nasty places of legend that you never wanted to experience in real life.

Goblin-town.

The nasty little creatures set themselves upon us, but I managed to get away in the dark, and I was quite pleased with myself, and even entertained fantasies of saving everyone.

That is, until I got into a skirmish with a straggler, and fell, arse over teacups, down into the dark.

The only good thing about the cold, dark, damp, slimy place I found myself in was that it was free from goblins.

I don't know what became of the one who attacked me, but I hope the nasty little bastard met his nasty little end.

I made my way down a long tunnel, and came out in a cavern that also was cold, damp, dark and slimy, but in addition, it was wet.

The only thing that distinguished the dark from the light was a little cold thing under my little cold foot.

It was a ring, a little gold ring, simple enough, and it looked about the right size for one of my little Hobbit fingers.

So I picked it up, and put it in my pocket.

I came to a damp little grotto, and a rocky, slimy shore overlooking an underground stream.

And down there in the dark there was a strange creature, squatting on a slimy outcropping of rock.

It wasn't a fish, or a goblin, I was not then sure what it was, but it saw me, just as I saw it, and it got into it's little boat, and paddled over to where I stood.

That was when I saw it up close, and I immediately wished that I hadn't.

I would have thought it was a fish, except that it had two arms and two legs, and ten fingers and toes, like I did.

It must have been some kind of man, at some time in its life, for I had heard it singing and talking to itself, and it had made a boat, and fashioned a loincloth for itself to wear.

It had very little hair, and it was rail thin, with huge blue eyes, and its skin was stretched tight over its skull so that it seemed to be a skull with a big eyes and a nose.

A very nasty looking thing.

"Who are you?" I asked the creature.

That was more polite that asking it what it was.

The creature was not so polite as me, though.

"What is it, my Precious?" the creature hissed.

"We don't know." It replied, in a nastier tone.

"I am Bella Baggins, of Bag End, in the Shire. And I am a Hobbit."

"What's a Hobbit, Precious? Is it crunchy? Is it tasty? Is it delicious?"

The thing advanced on me, and I poked it with my sword.

"It is armed, that's what it is! But, it has some food for you, if you'll be a nice… whatzit. But if you try and take a bite out of me, I'll run you through."

"It's a lady, precious! And it has food for us!" the whatzit said.

This time in it's nice voice.

I reached into my pack, and handed the whatzit a piece of mutton jerky.

"What is it?" it asked me in it's nice voice.

"It's meat. It's good. See here, Mr. Whatzit, I think I'd like to keep talking talk to the nice part of you, not the nasty part."

Mr. Whatzit took a bite of the jerky and the thing smiled.

When it smiled, it got such a happy look on it's funny little face, that it didn't look horrible at all, staring up at you with its eager big blue eyes, like it was some kind of demented child.

I felt bad for the poor little whatever it was.

"Do nice Hobbitses have any more for us? If nice Hobbitses gives us more food, we won't eat it, right away. Does it like riddles?" it asked.

I smiled, politely.

By this time I had worked out that my new friend was two creatures.

The grinning demented child was Mr. Nice Whatzit, and the malevolent thing that wanted to eat me was Mr. Precious.

"Oh yes, I love riddles! Tell you what, Mr. Whatzit, if you and your friend. Mr. Precious play riddles with me, and you win, I'll give you all the meat I have. But If I win, you have to show me the way out. And I'll still give you another piece of jerky."

"If we wins, we eats it, whole. But if we loses, we shows it the way out."

I had no intention of being eaten, whole, but what else was I to do?

Mr. Whatzit asked the first riddle.

"What has hands, but never grasps? What has a face, but never laughs? One hand races the day away, but the other takes its time to play?"

That one was fairly easy.

"A clock." I replied.

"Ask us one! Ask us!" Mr. Whatzit begged.

I had another piece of jerky while I thought, and gave Mr. Whatzit and Mr. Precious another piece, too.

"I am the envy of all men, when I go up the hill, and down again. And even when you find I am not there, others than you will surely stare."

Mr. Whatzit chewed on his jerky, and was stumped, but Mr. Precious narrowed his eyes and laughed nastily, and answered.

"The sun! It's the sun! We hates the sun! Too bright for us."

"Well you and Mr. Whatzit ought to try and get a little of it. You don't look very well." I said.

Mr. Precious scowled at me, and gestured for another piece of jerky.

I gave him one, in the hopes he would get too full to try and eat me.

He chewed over the jerky for awhile, and the two of them, they came up with a real corker of a riddle for me.

"I know not dark, nor do know I light. I see no day, nor see I night. I am well-known, though I am safely hidden. My appearance is sometimes hated, sometimes bidden. But to all I am shown. To woman I will never be a stranger. But to man I must always be unknown."

That was a tough one.

I thought, and thought, and then Mr. Whatzit began to needle me.

"Give me a minute! I let you think!"

"Is it tasty? Is it scrumptious? Will it fill up our belly, Precious?"

My guts turned over in my belly, and below it, I felt a terrible pain as if someone had stuck their whole fist inside me, and they had hold of of my innards, and were squeezing them in their fist.

It was a welcome pain, though, because it told me that I was not yet the mother of another Heir of Durin.

Clutching my guts in pain, then, I realised what the answer was.

"A baby. An unborn baby! After all a woman always knows a child is hers, after all, but a man can never really know if the child is his."

Honestly, Mr. Whatzit was actually very good at riddles.

He almost had me stumped.

Blind luck notwithstanding, I never would have guessed his last one.

I didn't have another one, and I was thinking of one when I inadvertently asked him what I had in my pocket.

Now I did not mean to steal anything from Poor Old Mr. Whatzit.

I had no idea that ring I found was his, let alone his birthday-present.

I imagine when he got so angry, I should have given it back to him, but by then, he was hell-bent on eating me.

In fact, I think he would have killed me with a rock and eaten me, no matter what I did.

He forgot all about me while he was looking for his ring, and muttered to himself about goblins finding his ring, and putting it on and becoming invisible.

So, that was what it did, did it?

A very fine thing for a burglar to have, a magic ring that makes you invisible.

Meanwhile, the only way I could escape Mr. Whatzit was to put on his magic ring so he couldn't see me.

He led me to the door, whether he wanted to, or not, and I slipped out, into the light.

One I was free, I thought about taking off Mr. Whatzit's ring, and throwing it back to him.

But he had intended to break his promise, and eat me up, no matter what he'd said.

Not to mention that on a quest to burgle treasure from dragons, and face the gods only knew what peril, I was going to need a magic ring what turns you invisible far more than a nasty creature in the bottom of the goblin tunnels who couldn't even be civil to a lost Hobbit that tried to treat him kindly and give him food, and play a game of riddles with him.

And the only thing between me and a horde of angry goblins was the dawn.

So I ran right on out into the light, and down the hill, still with the ring on.

I almost tripped over a large pile of picked over garbage which, on further examination, proved to be the contents of our company's packs, and the packs, themselves.

They had been picked clean of food, and some of their things were destroyed, but there still were their blankets and money and so on, and a lot was still useable.

I spent the better part of an hour, sorting everyone's things out into piles, including a pile of things that were ruined, and I was going to repack for everyone, but then I figured that I had better look for the Dwarves, themselves, and sort out their luggage, later

I ran a little further down the hill, and very soon I ran right into the Company.

Gandalf had finally shown up, late, as usual, but I'm sure they had all been glad to see him.

They were talking about me.

Gandalf was quite upset that Nori had lost me, and Thorin seemed angry.

I wondered why they were talking about me like I wasn't there, and then I remembered I still had the ring on.

"How could you lose my Hobbit, Nori! She's not just any old Hobbit, you know! I've been a friend of the family for years, especially to the former Belladonna Took! And Bella Baggins, she's Mrs. Oakenshield, of sorts, too! We can't just abandon poor Bella to her fate! I shall have to go back in there and find her!" Gandalf was shouting.

He seemed quite upset.

"I didn't lose her! She stole away when the goblins were attacking us. Burgled herself off someplace, and that's probably where she still is. I saw her go down some passage, in the dark. She's probably under goblin town, trying to find her way out." Nori protested.

"She might still be trying to find us." Bofur suggested.

"Well, there's nothing for it. I'll have to go and find her." Gandalf decided.

"We're coming, too. Kili and I. And you can't stop us!" Fili insisted.

Thorin interrupted Gandalf before he could continue.

"I can stop all three of you! For I know Bella Baggins better than any of you, do, especially you, wizard, and I'm telling you, you are wasting your time, going back in there! As for you two, my lads, I'll not see you risk your lives for a woman smarter than both of you who saw her chance, and took it! Lost? Dead? I doubt that! Gandalf, you know Tooks, in general, and that Tookish lass, in particular, well enough to know of their hardiness! No, I fear that when our burglar lost her foolish bravado in the mountains, she also lost her nerve, and her faith in her too old husband and her too young fiancés, to protect her from harm. I'm telling you, Bella Baggins saw her chance to get into the wind, and that is where she is! She will have run halfway back to Rivendell, and the waiting arms of Coruadan, before long! I will see my faithless wife no more, for she is long gone!" Thorin exclaimed.

Well it is a good thing I was still behind a tree when I took my ring off.

Because it would have alarmed everyone, had I just appeared.

And I wasn't thinking, because I was angry.

I stomped over to Thorin, and wagged my finger in his face, which I know he hates.

"Is that all the more you think of me, Thorin Oakenshield? That I would cast aside my contractual and moral obligations, and flee back to Elrond's bastard nephew, at my first convenience?"

Oh I was quite mad, when I spoke, I gave Thorin a good shove, and he was so surprised to see me that he nearly fell over.

"Well, let me tell you something! You bet your hairy Dwarrow arse'ole that I would rather be in Rivendell than here, and rather home at Bag End than anywhere! But I'm your wife now, for good and for all, Thorin Oakenshield, and also your burglar! So I am doubly obligated, by two contracts to help you to regain our home, because it's as much my home as yours now we're married! Not to mention, I made a promise to these find fellows, that I would help them to regain the home they have lost, and no matter how much I miss my own home, I do not intend to turn back until I see you, and my fiancés, and all our excellent company safe and warm under your mountain, again! So you may put that in your pipe and smoke it! Moreover, if I hear you say that I'm not fit to be a member of this company again…"

I unlimbered my axe from my belt.

"…I'll shave your chin and your head bald as a billiard ball with this axe, and Odin himself will not be able to get me off you until you've been shorn like a spring sheep! And if you get yourself scratched and nicked up a treat, to boot, it'll be no one's fault but your own!" I finished.

Well, there was quite a bit of quiet chuckling in the ranks, when I spoke, but everyone was waiting to see what Thorin did.

And you know what Thorin did?

He laughed.

And all the Dwarves laughed with him.

Thorin took my axe and put it back in it's holster, then he put his arm around my shoulders.

"By Thor, that is my little wife, back to her own self again! I find we've had another rough night lads, for it is dawn, now, and we have time to get far from here, before the goblins come out after us. Let's all rest a moment, and Bella may tell us how she burgled herself out of danger. If it is a good story it will take out minds off of our stomachs."

"I did not just burgle myself. If you go up the hill a bit, you'll find your unpacked packs. The goblins took all our food, and anything they thought valuable, and they destroyed a lot of your things, but the hill was strewn with blankets and packs and various things. I sorted everyone's things out, and I made a pile of the stuff that was destroyed, and I was going to pack everybody's things up into their packs, but then I thought I should go and find out of I had Dwarves to go with their packs, and I must say I'm glad I do. While you repack yourselves, I'll tell you all about what happened to me, and I promise only to exaggerate a little bit. And as for our empty stomachs, the goblins did not get my pack. So we can all have two pieces of mutton jerky and a hardtack biscuit each. It will be better than nothing, for us to rest on for awhile, before we go. Which is what you lot would have without your burglar."

"You are a very excellent burglar indeed, Bella Baggins. And I find that is a very excellent idea." Gandalf said.

He picked me up, and put me on his shoulders, and carried me back up the hill, with the Company following after.

It was nice to see that someone appreciated how hard I was working, on this quest.

And then?

Well then, catastrophe set upon us, again.

We didn't even have an hour after I had I told my tale, and we put ourselves together, than did the sound of Gundabad wargs howling for our blood fill the air.

They were after us, again!

"Out of the frying pan…" Thorin observed.

"…and into the fire!" Gandalf added.

We scrambled to our feet and ran, helter skelter and pell mell for our lives, looking for some defensible position.

But we were fresh out of luck for the day, because we came to a cliff, with the orcs on their wargs hot on our heels.

Our only refuge was to climb up in the trees.

And that is when our pursuer revealed himself to us, and Thorin saw a long-dead ghost.

Azog the Defiler, the chief villain of Balin's tale, a villain we all thought safely dead in the long ago and worlds apart of themists of time was very much alive.

He was minus an arm, which he held a great grudge against Thorin for, and he was bent on revenging himself against us.

He directed his wargs to eat us all alive, except Thorin.

Azog wanted Thorin's head.

What could we do?

We all looked to Gandalf to save us.

He came up with a fine idea, and he started a fire in a pinecone, and we passed that fire from pinecone to pinecone, and soon we had a ring of fire around our trees, preventing wargs or orcs from attacking us.

Which would have been a fine defence, if our combined weight had not begun to drag the slender pine trees right off the side of the cliff.

And we all had to scramble into the very last tree which was not about to take our weight.

But it was about to catch fire.

Meanwhile, Azog mocked us, mercilessly.

He made up a horrible song, right there on the spot, and him and his rotten orcs sang it at us, with their wargs howling along.

Fifteen birds in five fir trees,
their feathers were fanned in a fiery breeze!
what funny little birds, they had no wings!
Oh what shall we do with the funny little things?
Roast 'em alive, or stew them in a pot;
fry them, boil them and eat them hot?

Burn, burn tree and fern!
Shrivel and scorch! A fizzling torch
To light the night for our delight,
Ya hey!

Bake and toast 'em, fry and roast 'em!
till beards blaze, and eyes glaze;
till hair smells and skins crack,
fat melts, and bones black
in cinders lie
beneath the sky!

So dwarves shall die,
and light the night for our delight,
Ya hey!
Ya-harri-hey!
Ya hoy!

That was maddening, in and of itself.

But Gandalf had another plan in mind, because he was talking, quite seriously, to a butterfly.

At least I hope he had a plan in mind, because, if not, then he had simply lost his mind.

What could we do?

We all looked to Thorin to save us.

And as he always does, he rose to the occasion, wonderfully.

With more majesty and courage than any King of any race, in any part of Middle Earth had ever mustered, Thorin drew Orcrist, and, brandishing his famous oaken shield, he strode out of our tree, to fight Azog, once more.

Never had any man in any land been so brave or so beautiful as my Thorin.

In that moment, every petty quarrel I ever had with him rushed so far to the back of my mind that they might as well have never happened.

I was awestruck, and proud, and astonished, and for one beautiful moment, Thorin was the greatest king, the greatest hero, and the finest man, in all the world.

There goes my husband, Thorin Oakenshield, the King Under the Mountain.

He's going to save us all, just like he promised that he would.

I snapped out of my reverie when I realised that was all a load of partially true, but nonetheless overly poetic and romantic bollocks, because the truth was that he was going to his death.

Bravely and majestically, but still to his death, that was the important part.

I know it does not matter, but it was unfair for Azog to meet a charge on foot with a charge on his great white warg.

Indeed, Thorin's brave stand could not have been more disastrous.

That great white warg picked Thorin up in it's jaws like he was a hunk of rotten meat sticking to a rancid old bone, and you might have heard his scream of pain for a hundred miles as it worried him in its mouth.

Well, if I had been in mortal terror, before I was not, anymore.

As Bofur had said, here were mortal enemies, that could be undone by axe and sword.

There it was, that Tookish feeling.

Except, it no longer felt queer to me.

It felt as natural as breathing.

What could I do?

There was no one else to look to, to be saved.

Thorin was my husband, and as I was his wife, it was up to me to save his life.

That was my task, whether I was expected to do it, or not.

The white warg threw Thorin, and he lay there, helpless on his back, struggling to stay conscious.

But he hadn't a thing to worry about, because his wife, who had gone out of her tree in more ways than one, and her war axe and sword were close at hand.

The orc that Azog had instructed to take Thorin's head lost far more than his own head.

I leaped up on the rock Thorin lay upon, and with a mighty howl of fury, I struck that orc so hard with the Queen of the Axes that it cleaved through him, from neck to nuts, and the two pieces of him fell on either side of me.

As for his warg, my sword cut through it's great head like a hot knife through butter, and I picked up the massive thing like it was made of paper mache and hollow, and hurled it at Azog's feet.

You know, for a moment, those orcs were too shocked to move?

Clearly, they had never seen a Took in battle, before.

I spit on the dead orc's remains.

"That is what I think of you, who crawled like worms covered in slime from your mothers' arseholes like the pieces of shit you are! You filthy fookin' bastards will have to come through me if you want my husband's head! Come on, I dare you, you foul sons of your own bitch wargs, do you want to live forever?" I taunted them.

I hope Thorin was still conscious to hear that bit of profanity.

Because it was one worthy of him.

Azog sent a great charge of orcs and wargs towards me.

But, I was ready.

My sword and my axe seemed to fly without my guiding them; they were as part of me, extensions of my own body, which was small and swift, compared to the heavy, clumsy, lumbering things that attacked me.

They were just things, big, lumpen things that had to be cut down, like underbrush in the forest, before a party of travelers.

I cut them down, then, as if they were only dead wood and dried-up vines, not living at all.

And by the time Fili and Kili and Dwalin, came to join the fray, which I'm sure wasn't long, I was standing not on the rock with Thorin, but on top of a pile of corpses made of three or five orcs and wargs.

It was about as high as the rock.

Those three quickly had the matter of the orcs well in hand, so I resolved myself to enacting a few old Tookish customs of battle.

The last time, I was not prepared, but this time I had shoved my drawers into my coat pocket, so that I would be able to conduct myself as a Took should, in times of war.

"You yellow bastards! Piss on you!" I shouted at my foes.

Well I did not piss myself, but I spread my legs far enough to piss on the pile of dead orcs I stood on.

"You can all kiss my arse!" I continued.

Upon which I turned around, lifted up the back of my kilt, and smacked my arse with the flat of my sword.

Then I turned back, and waved axe and sword at the enemy.

"Come on, you stinking mounds of rancid flesh, what were propelled out of your mothers' warty old cunnies as casually as a pile of shit! I fuckin' dare you to come and try to kiss my arse, that I do!"

A variation on my last theme, but an effective one, I think.

Kili was so utterly flabbergasted at my antics that he nearly got himself killed by an orc whose head I neatly chopped off.

And then, blowing a raspberry as I did, I threw the orc's head at his his fellows.

"Get back to the battle, Kili, lad! Have you never seen a Took fight, before?" Dwalin shouted.

Just after that, all around me, great Eagles, I imagine called by Gandalf, were picking up my fellows, on their backs, to carry them to safety.

And they also got hold of the enemy, and tossed them over the cliff into eternity.

"You see, Azog the Failure! You one-armed, blunt-skulled, pea-brained, son of a thousand fathers, you'll not have the head of Thorin Oakenshield, not today, or on any other day, when me, his wife, Belladonna Baggins of the Clan Took lives and breathes!"

And when an eagle got hold of me, I protested, most mightily, as I had more orcs to kill, and was not done taunting Azog.

I shrugged myself out of the talons of my eagle when I saw Thorin's shield drop from his arm as an eagle got hold of him and Orcrist, and I managed to retrieve it for him, just before my eagle got hold of me, again.

With both feet.

The Eagles carried us all the way out of the Misty Mountains, and far over the plains, putting us down in a place where they would be safe from the arrows of hunters, and we were far from our pursuers, and so safe, as well.

But even so, the terrible Tookish joy of battle had faded from me.

And I could not properly enjoy such an awesome thing, to be bourne on the back of an eagle, high in the sky, as if I were a bird, myself.

Or even to be properly frightened by it.

Because I was too busy worrying about Thorin.

Fili had called out to his uncle, in desperation, during our flight, and Thorin had not replied.

Even now that the Eagles had lain Thorin down on the ground, he remained quite unconscious and still.

"Stay back from him!" Gandalf told us.

He put his hand on his staff, and then put his hand close to Thorin's face, and said some words over him.

Thorin's eyes fluttered open.

I think we all breathed a sigh of relief, at once.

Even Gandalf.

"The Halfling? My wife?" Thorin gasped.

"It's alright. Bella is here." Gandalf told him.

Thorin tried to get up on his own, but he needed Dwalin and Kili to help him.

"She's quite safe." Gandalf assured him.

And as for my husband?

Oh, he was furious with me.

He shrugged off his kinsmen, and got ready to let me have it, but good.

"You! What are you doing, woman? You nearly got yourself killed!" he spat.

I was so glad to see he was alive, I was more than ready for a big fight.

"What am I doing? You miserable old bastard, I saved your life! I even saved your precious shield for you! And this is the thanks I get! Eru's light, I ought to've pissed on you and not that pile of dead orcs!" I snapped.

"Shut your dirty little mouth, girl! Did I not say that you would be a burden? That you would not survive in the wild? That you had no place amongst us?" he roared back.

So nastily that all the Dwarves flinched as if they had been struck, and even I was intimidated into silence.

Thorin scowled as he advanced on me, berating me.

All the sudden it wasn't so commonplace, this fight we were having, and I thought I might even cry.

How could he talk to me like this?

What did he want from me?

By all the gods, what kind of man had I married, and stuck myself with, for the next forty years?

I glared at him, defiantly, trying to keep my lip from trembling.

Then, Thorin smiled at me.

"My own Tookish warrior wife, I have never been so wrong in all my life!" he cried.

He pulled me into his arms, and hugged me, and then laid such a kiss on my lips that if I had not felt married to him before it, as if I was truly his wife, then after it, I did.

Then he hugged me, again.

Even if I was a bloody, dirty, sweaty mess, Thorin wasn't in much better condition, and neither of us really cared.

Meanwhile, the Company cheered me for a hero.

When we parted, I took off Thorin's shield from my back and handed it to him.

"Well, I would have doubted me, too, if I were you. I had no idea that I had such a Tookish warrior in me. I only fenced and threw axes for sport. Maybe there's a burglar lurking in there as well. Who knows?"

"I know. And I will never doubt you, again, Bella Baggins. Look! She even thought to rescue my shield! Did I pick the right woman, at last, or did I? For myself and my heirs? Did I, lads?" Thorin shouted to the company.

"I have not seen such a display of Tookish war-making since I fought alongside Bullroarer Took, when we were only lads!" Dwalin exclaimed.

"Did you see the look on Kili's face, when Bella yelled "piss on you" at the orcs, and she did it? He almost lost his head!" Fili exclaimed.

"I was wondering about that, girl. That is the last I saw, before unconsciousness took me. What happened to your drawers?" Thorin asked me.

"Well, I took 'em off, and stuffed 'em in me jacket pocket, before I came out of the tree. When we go into battle, Tooks don't wear anything under their kilts but their beards. It's a tradition." I said.

I reached into my pocket, and found them missing.

"Oh hell! Now I only have two pairs!"

Kili reached down the front of his coat, and handed me my drawers.

"They fell out of your pocket, Bella, when you climbed from your branch." He explained.

"And those are the cream-colored linen ones with the purple velvet ribbons. Kili's favorites. He wasn't going to lose those." Fili said.

All the Dlaughed, uproariously, and so did Gandalf, even.

Kili blushed bright red.

I took a moment to look for a place to put my knickers back on, but I couldn't find one.

By this time we were all looking at something, and I was in the back, looking at braids and axes, as usual.

"You did well today, Bella Baggins. Move aside, gentleman, the lady can't see a thing." Gandalf said.

He gave me a little push, and the Company made way for me, and that's when I saw it.

The Lonely Mountain.

"Do you see that, wife?" Thorin asked me.

He took my hand and pulled me in front of him, and put both his arms around me.

"There it is, Bella. Erebor. Home."

And Thorin had not said it was his home, or the Company's home.

Just home.

As if it was now taken for granted that I was one of them, and it was my home, too.

Orguldis, at your service, at long last.