A/N: So sorry for taking such a long while to get this chapter up. I've had really bad writer's block, and just a lot going on personally. A lovely message from kortini23, however, managed to make me snap out of it, and I somehow managed to pull this together. I'm still not happy with it, but hey it's something.

Also, this story will be coming to a close soon. I know, I know - more questions than answers in regards to the story, but I WILL be making a sequel that will explore this situation in depth. Yes Olivia and Fitz have reconnected, but what does that mean when election time rolls around once more? And yes, I know Fitz is ineligible for office, but who said he'd be running? ;) Stay tuned! Hopefully I'll have the first chapter of that story up, and this one finished before I go under water in my last semester as an undergrad.

Also, sorry if there are any glaring errors. I've searched high and low, but the funny thing is I can never seem to find fault in my work at first glance. :P

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my macbook, and the caffeine I drank to write this story.

Hope you enjoy.

-M

Chapter 6: Hold On

If I ever had a wish in the whole world
I would've listened to my brother when he spoke to me
And I never would've played with my conscience
In the fields where I was in their company

-Ellie Goulding, "In my City"

Pieces. Olivia Carolyn Davis-Pope had fallen to pieces; shattered and undone by her own hand. Perhaps, she considered, Reston had been right years ago when he'd told her she was poison; that everything she touched turned to hell, and that she ruined anyone and everything around her. Perhaps unknowingly she was the devil, just as Billy Chambers had concluded.

Or perhaps she was just a woman, standing a grand total of 5'4 – below the average height of 5'5 – who'd only wanted to fix things; to make them better, whom for seven years seemed to pay for her sins each time she peered into her daughter's eyes.

Either way, Olivia was a distraught mess at the moment; her dress was bunched around her waist, and tears streamed down her face. The more she tried to halt her tears, the harder she cried. Breathe in, then out, she told herself, but her efforts seemed to fall short.

All Olivia could focus on was the mess she'd made. She was a fixer; she fixed people and things, and yet she couldn't fix this. She didn't know how. She'd run from the possible truth for so long that once confronted with it, her body collapsed under the weight of supporting a lie.

And then he was there, like a beam of light through a room full of darkness, his strong arms wide open, and softness in his expression – a grand contrast to how he'd cast her aside years prior after finding out about Defiance.

"Olivia," Fitz whispered, his hand reaching out towards her; she just shook her head, her eyes glossed over with the ghost of decisions past as she refused to meet his gaze.

At that moment, Olivia felt as if she wasn't worthy enough of Fitz's touch – his consideration; she didn't deserve it. Nor did she feel that she deserved the ring on her finger, or the children who lovingly called her Mommy; not after everything she'd done.

"Don't, Fitz. Don't." Her voice cracked, the tears that once fell began to dry, and her throat went hoarse as silent sobs wracked her body.

Resting her chin on her knees, breathing in deeply, Olivia spoke, "I ruined you; I ruined everything. Ellie, Edison, Owen – You. I destroyed it; it can't be fixed, or undone. Ruined."

There was finality to her tone, a sense of hopelessness and regret that scared Olivia. For so long she'd been so keen at keeping all thoughts of Ellie's paternity at bay. She'd remembered long ago telling Verna that everything was fixable – but oh how wrong she had been. Verna had been right; lies always had a way of showing through, like one big bloody hospital gown. How was she ever going to fix this? How could she fix this?

More silent sobs wracked Olivia's tiny frame, and suddenly the room felt drafty, cold. She'd gone from hot, and full of steam, ready to break her marriage vows in seconds, to a shell of a woman, collapsing under the weight of the world. There'd only been a handful of times when Olivia felt like she currently did, the weight of the world was against her. The most prominent time being when Defiance had almost been exposed.

Funny, Olivia noted internally, how that one moment had paved the way for her current predicament. But in truth, she knew better: a serious of moments, some for better, some for worse, all amoral, had led her to her current predicament.

"I thought too much, and I thought that I got what I wanted. Jam and babies." She whispered, her voice monotone as the sobs slowed. Closing her eyes, Olivia breathed in, her arms still wrapped tightly around her knees. Underneath her, she could feel Fitz's weight shift in her direction, the plump mattress sagging as his body grew close. He grabbed her arm, and attempted to pull her from her current position.

For a few moments, Olivia stubbornly fought him, refusing to unfold herself from the ball she'd been in; after a few more tugs, however, Olivia found herself melting into Fitz's form. Together their bodies became one in the purest of ways. Fitz's chin rested lightly atop Liv's head, her face buried in the crook of his neck, and his strong arms wrapped tightly around her tiny frame.

Were jam and babies what she'd truly wanted, or had they been the easiest of ways out?

"Just one minute." Fitz's deep voice whispered, words of comfort spilling from his lips as he shushed her. "Livvie, just don't. For one minute just sit here with me. Don't think about Ellie or Defiance, or anything. Just sit, and breathe in this moment with me."

And for one minute, Olivia cried as she'd never cried before; years of pent up emotion overtaking her.

For so long she'd fought too many times to prevent this flood of regret, heartbreak, and heart ache from overcoming her. She'd told herself time in and time out that she'd made the right now. When Fitz had successfully brokered a peace deal – a détente between two feuding countries – Olivia told herself that that would not have happened had she been in the picture. When he'd managed to push through a bill to lower student loan rates to 2.3%, Olivia assured herself that had she been in the picture with a baby on her hip, his head would have been in the game to make such a push. Any lie that she could spin inside her head to reassure that she'd made the right decision, not just for herself, but also for her daughter (just the mere thought of all the media attention Ellie would have received had their affair came to light) was made justifiable had she tried hard enough.

Sniffling through tears, as their minute ticked to a close, Olivia spoke, "I thought you'd left me, I truly thought you had. I didn't want to die alone – unloved. So I did something stupid. And I can't tell you that I did it for you, not this time." She pulled away from him, a bitter smile of realization falling across her face.

"Because I didn't. I did it for me. I tried to fix myself; create my own life – and in the process I blew up your life, Edison's, and my daughter's," a dark chuckle, laced with a grimace, left her lips.

Eyelids heavy with tears, and red from crying, Olivia's brown eyes searched Fitz's face trying to gauge his reaction at her admission.

Olivia Pope had admitted to being wrong. Hell, anyone else would have been throwing a party – streamers flying everywhere, party hates, and whistles. Even when the Olivia Pope was wrong, she was right; it was just who she was.

But Fitz – Fitz was silent, his greyish blue eyes clouded, his forehead wrinkled, and a slight frown to his mouth. He sat back, loosening his grip on Olivia, his hand trailing to her stomach. A calloused finger traced what few stretch marks Olivia had on her still exposed stomach.

"I gained thirty-three pounds with Ellie; twenty-seven with Owen." She confided, feeling exposed and cut open, but unable to find the energy or will to cover herself. "I didn't think I'd ever loose the weight, but I did – just in time to learn I was pregnant again," she smirked. "Twenty-seven pounds later, I had a son; took forever to loose the weight. But I didn't sleep much after he was born. Edison really took care of him, I couldn't – I just couldn't." Olivia's thoughts drifted from the situation at hand for a moment, and drifted into days of past.

She could hear Owen screaming for nourishment, for attention, for something – anything – if it meant his mother's attention, but Olivia had frozen. She'd known the cry was her baby, her child, but she hadn't been able to help him. Although he'd come from her body, the first seven months of Owen's life, Olivia had suffered with PPD; a fact she wasn't proud about. Had it not been for Edison, along with Abby, and her mother, she'd have never survived.

"PPD?" Fitz asked, his fingers softly stroking her skin, his words breaking through Olivia's thoughts.

His words caught her off guard; it'd taken her forever to admit her issue to herself, let alone others. "Yeah. But I managed to break through it with some help. I know, me asking for help, but I had to."

Fitz nodded understandingly. "I had PTSD when I returned from the Gulf. It's not the same thing – not in the slightest, but I know what it's like to feel out of control of your emotions, your actions – and you're afraid to say anything because you don't want anyone to think you're crazy. I'm glad you were strong enough to pull through it, Livvie." His fingers stopped, and with a heavy sigh, he shifted in place.

Once again his hands found their way to her body, this time to pull her dress up, the fabric soft underneath his fingertips. He helped her slip her arms through the sleeves of her gown. Once the dress was secured to her front, he stood up and walked around Olivia's tiny form, and zipped up her dress; he then sat back down, taking a seat next to her.

A silence fell between them with Olivia starring at her hands, her wedding band beaming bright back at her.

"How much did Ellie weigh?" Asked Fitz, breaking the silence, his voice low as he wrung his hands together.

As he spoke, Olivia turned towards him, her eyes falling to his hands. He was missing his wedding band. How had she not seen that earlier? Surely she'd know if he and Mellie had divorced- wouldn't she? What would it even matter to her?

She averted her eyes, however, and looked up, thinking back to the question at hand.

"6lbs, 3ozs. The most beautiful baby in the world. I swear she smiled at me when Dr. Yang put her in my arms."

"I bet she did." Fitz smiled, folding his arms in front of him as he leaned against the headboard. "When did she start walking?"

"Two months before her first birthday. She had only crawled a couple of times, and seemed to get frustrated with it, but once she could pull herself up and get her feet under her, she didn't seem to stop. She walked like rapid fire . . ."

"Karen started walking a month before her first birthday."

"Do you want to see a picture from early today?" Olivia asked, although she wasn't even certain what time it was or if today was still 'today'. They'd been together longer than the original minute Fitz had asked for, way longer.

Olivia didn't wait for Fitz to answer, instead she got to her feet, and searched out the wallet she'd carried into the room with her. She found it on the floor, near the edge of the bed. She reached inside and grabbed her phone, bypassing two text messages; one from Abby, the other Huck – and one missed call from Edison.

She began sliding through her photo album, bypassing candid photos of her every day life until she reached the photo of she and Ellie. In the photo, Ellie sat on Olivia's lap, her naturally pink lips formed into a pout, blowing a kiss to the camera, as Olivia did the same. Ellie's long, curly brown hair hung down her shoulders in pigtails, and her brown eyes shined bright. Olivia remembered the photo fondly as she turned on her heels and head back to the bed where Fitz sat. Sitting down, she handed him her phone, as she attempted to gauge his reaction.

"She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen . . ." Fitz spoke, his forehead crinkling as he smiled wide.

"She is." Olivia agreed. "There's more pictures in there, if you want to see. Most of them are of Ellie and Owen, every now and then there's a picture of me." She laughed softly, some how feeling light and free – freer and lighter than she had in a long time.

Fitz smiled, and handed her back her phone. Once again Olivia took note of his missing wedding band (he'd taken the phone in his left hand).

Curiosity got the better of Olivia, and her eyes lingered just a little too long on the spot where the rind once sat; it'd been her nemesis for years.

She was just getting ready to ask Fitz about the missing accessory – which is what it'd been to him for all those years, a simple accessory, when her phone rang; it was her husband.

Sidenote: Yes, Dr. Yang is a nod to Cristina Yang, even though she isn't a gynecologist. ;)