17

Ironman flies straight to the rendezvous point, listening to the bickering between Fury and Steve on the commlink on the best way to take down New York's latest bunch of gate crashes. Apparently the new monsters are huge, although they aren't many of them. Each is taller than a house, coming in through some tear in the atmosphere that Tony really needs to sit down and discuss with a bunch of astrophysicists very soon.

Clint is whistling, which means the other Avengers have already spotted the creatures. 'What are these damn things even called?'

'Who cares? Its alien, and anything alien gets taken down.'

Steve is still arguing with Fury. 'Don't we have any intel at all on these things? I don't want to accidently put one of us in the way of harm-'

'What the hell are you fools for, if not to go out there and find out-'

'Director Fury, with all due respect - my team is not dog bait f-'

'Guys guys,' Tony finally reaches the party, ignoring the various expressions of irritation or bemusement his team shoots him. 'Why don't we just ask our honourary resident alien? Thor?'

'Alas Man of Iron, I regret I am not as learned in creature lore as mine brother. Had Loki been here, he would instantly be able to identify their specifics and weaknesses.'

Clint laughs derisively. 'No offense dude, but Loki is almost certainly responsible for this flusterfuck-'

'Mine brother is in exile. He does not have the magic-'

'When has anything like that stopped the likes of-'

'Enough,' Captain America said. 'Now is not the time for theories. Avengers, deploy yourselves.'

The Black Widow loops off first. 'I'm going to recon up ahead; see if I can figure out how they communicate.'

'Be safe, Nat.' Cap's voice is heavy with worry across the commlink, and Tony couldn't help exchanging grins with Clint.

'Hey Tin Can, fly me up to that ledge. Twenty seventh floor.'

Tony picks him up and drops him on the ridiculously tiny strip of ledge. 'Bit narrow even for you, Hawkeye. Are you going to be able to pull back that bow?

'Watch and be amazed.'

'Look sharp, because I've got this tingly feeling that all your pretty arrows will play a really important role today.'

'You always get a tingly feeling when you're near me,' Clint grins. 'But I do appreciate your heartfelt feelings for me and my appendages of power, Ironman.'

'Good, because I might need you for something later. Hasta la vista, baby.'

'Fifty bucks says Black Widow's not going to eat her next mate.' Hawkeye says outside of the commlink as Tony flies away.

'A hundred bucks says her next mate will be all netted up and bedded down before the year is out.'

'You're on, Tin Can. Prepare to lose.'

'She'll roger Captain Rogers before Christmas, or I'll eat my faceplate.'

'You'll break your teeth. Better start making some falsies then,' Hawkeye advices with mock earnestness.

Ironman flew to position, cameras whirling to capture, interpret and transmit any intel of consequence. The buggers are huge; soft skinned and armoured. Definitely humanoid, but something about the ponderous way they move, as if the earth air is thick and mucous-like, makes Tony's skin crawl.

The creatures clearly have no real strategy though, merely bumbling forward like herded animals, which probably means that behind all this lies an invisible shepherd. He'll have to interrogate Loki about this; the guy simply knows too much. And more ominously, how would Loki know who the Avengers were fighting, unless he was responsible for unleashing these monsters in the first place?'

Tony shrugs to himself. No point worrying now. He'd just open fire on their lower extremities like Loki said; pray the treacherous bastard is telling the truth, and then have the other Avengers follow suit.

He can hear Bruce mutter into the commlink. 'Thousands of years the aliens leave us alone. Then overnight they all want to have a party here on earth.'

'That's what we're here for.' Steve said grimly. 'To tell them to go play somewhere else.'

'Yep,' Ironman lands on the roof opposite Hawkeye with a thump. 'Meet the Avengers; glorified mummy and daddy control squad. Time to give the little darlings detention.'

'Avast thee, Aliens!' Clint crows.

'Except you, Thor.' Natasha amends diplomatically.

'Yeah Thor, except you.'

The Asgardian god grins with good humour. 'You are gracious to spare my feelings, but I am not offended.'

'Listen up, Avengers; we will initiate operation X-form and wait for my attack signal, we want to w -'

Ironman opens fire.

~o0o0o~

Fury roars at him like an enraged bear. 'STARK!'

'You absolute fuckwit, Tony.' Steve shouts over the intercomm.

'Sorry,' Ironman says with no apology in his voice whatsoever. 'Look, Cap, you need to know something about these guys-'

'-went and fucking stole my thunder,' he suddenly hears Hawkeye spitting on the other roof as he draws his bow. 'I had first dips, Tin Can.'

Ironman spins round. 'No Clint, don't shoot the head-'

Too late. The first three bolts fires in quick succession, their arrowheads exploding just before they reached their targets. Tony watches with amazement as three of the aliens went down immediately.

He sees Hawkeye turning to glare triumphantly at him from the other building. 'And that is how it's done, Tin Can.'

So the fucking prince of lies had him misdirected. Colour Tony surprise.

Fuck.

Nick's grim voice splutters over the commlink. 'Take them down, Ironman, and no funny business this time.'

'Roger that.'

Tony flies sullenly to the first three advancing creatures in front of him, then watches in puzzlement as the weird looking helmets on their heads expanded like cones and the cavities on the alien chest suddenly lengthen and folds upon itself like a skirt – essentially protecting its most vital organs.

Steve's voice buzzed in again. 'Ironman, why aren't you shooting?'

'I'm looking for an aim.'

'Tony. You're airborne and the target is right in front of you.'

Ironman ignores him and searches fruitlessly for an aim, cursing the fact that he hadn't taken more chances earlier. But the creatures he had shot are still standing motionless; whilst Clint's arrows has permanently disabled three with no adverse effect aside from some additional armouring on the remaining monsters, which frankly made them all look quite comic, as if they are about to hitch up their shiny new skirts and dance a can-can.

Yet Tony does not want to disregard Loki's advice; at least not yet.

Fuck. There's nothing to do but shoot at their kneecaps in the hope of disabling them.

Ironman opens fire, expelling a lengthy round of semiautomatic. Some of the creatures dropped and all of them stop advancing, but they open fire and retaliate, sending huge beams of power scattering everywhere and crashing chunks of building materials onto the roads below whilst the remaining Avengers scatters.

Fury's yelling explodes through the intercom. 'Shoot to kill, Ironman! You aren't here to take your enemies out to dinner!'

Funny he should say that.

'Cap-' Natasha's disembowelled voice was urgent. 'The fallen ones. They're coming back up again.'

'Fuck.' Tony bites back a curse as his cameras whirls, feeding the images to the rest of the team. The three creatures Clint took down earlier are regenerating. Only each fallen creature turns up regenerating as two, so six stands where there were three.

'Holy mother of god.'

'Per aspera ad inferi,' Natasha mummers, apparently to herself. Perhaps she was praying.

'Inferi?' Clint's voice over the commlink took on an extra strong doze of crazy. 'Did somebody fucking say Inferi?'

Clearly the man still has issues over mind control – even if its undead, alien mind control.

'Clint, my darling?'

'Uh-uh.'

'Darling. Pumpkin pie. Aren't we bosom buddies and honey bunnies?'

He could hear Hawkeye's long suffering sigh even through the rapid zing of arrows. 'With my life. Although you deserve it like a hole in the head.'

Tony grins. 'I need you to aim for the kidneys with those spiffy exploding arrows of yours.'

'The kidneys,' Hawkeye's voice colours with doubt. 'I have limited arrows in a vulnerable position, and if this doesn't work we're screwed.'

'I need to show Cap what he's doing wrong. Trust me.'

There is a one second pause. 'One order of kidneybeans coming up.'

Tony's heart clenches with gratitude. Bromance, dude, he's going to kiss Clint on the mouth when this is all over, with tongue and everything.

'You're the love of my life, Barton.'

'I'll have my lawyers hold you to that.'

'Anything you want.'

'The G650.'

'Except that.'

Hawkeye cocks an arrow at him. 'Get out of here before my hand slips.'

Ironman is making a beeline for the creatures, pulsars at the ready when Clint fires his first volley of arrows. Unfortunately they bounce completely off the new armoured skirts the creatures are wearing.

'Fuck that new Spring Line Collection.'

'Hawkeye, what the hell-'

'Sorry Cap,' Clint sounded almost gleeful; '-you can clip my wings later. Ironman's too.'

'STARK!' Fury yells.

'I know, I know, I'm grounded forever. Poor me.'

'Release the hulk, Captain America,' Fury orders.

'No. Don't do it, Cap.' Ironman immediately halts mid-flight and commands JARVIS to locate Steve.

'You're going to have to give me more than that, Ironman.'

'Release the hulk before these monsters destroy the whole city! This is an order, Captain America,' Fury pulls out all his authority cards as Tony lands in front of Steve and yanks his mike out with a muttered oath.

Captain America takes his wire out as Ironman approaches. 'Tony-'

'Cap, I'm telling you. Do not fucking go for the heads.'

'The heads are the biggest targets! What do you know what we don't?'

'All right, these guys? They're called girati. Slow but virtually indestructible. Our only advantage is that the air here is poisonous because they currently breathe from their kidneys; and the best message Earth can send them loud and clear, is that this aint a good playground baby, our air's poisonous so go home.'

Steve is giving him a look as if he doesn't know who Tony is anymore. 'You've never been this secretive before, Tony.'

'I have my sources, and I trust-' Tony falters. No he doesn't. Of course he doesn't trust Loki; Tony might be reckless, but he isn't stupid.

'Just trust me, ok? I know what I'm doing. These few are probably on some sort of suicide reconnaissance mission anyways. We deal with them once, and it's over.'

'Avengers, stand down.' Steve's eyes drill into him. His voice is hard, taut with dissapointment. 'You have three minutes, Ironman.'

'This scheme of yours better work, Stark,' Fury threatens over the commlink.

'Fine.' He snaps his visor back. 'Just follow my lead and keep Bruce the fuck away. Thor buddy, I need your hammer.'

'Man of Iron,' the alien god's voice booms into the commlink, making him wince. 'I am yours to command.'

Tony thinks he can get used to this. 'See those pretty skirt things they're using to protect themselves, Thor? I need that boomerang hammer of yours to strip them so that the rest of us can gut them where it hurts.'

'It shall be the work of a moment, for verily Thor has much experience removing skirts,' the blond god boasts as he raises Mjölnir and sent it flying against the creatures, either knocking off their shield-like skirting or crumpling them to the ground for the Widow or Captain America to deal with. Tony flies around, offering himself as target practice to the slow-witted girati and shooting them in the kneecaps or the guts whenever the opportunity arises. Human weapons, he finds have little effect against the monsters until Thor removes their alien armour.

It's just as well that Mjölnir never misses.

Above them all Hawkeye empties arrow after arrow into their exposed gastrointestinal, laughing to himself like a maniac. As usual, Tony can never quite tell if Clint is a really cool guy, or just really deranged. Maybe a bit of both.

Tony receives the biggest confirmation of the truth in Loki's words when the creatures start collapsing one by one, sinking to their knees as a thick, gruesome black substance started bleeding out of their heads. A couple of them even explodes from the chest, as if the pressure in their lungs had popped like balloons. But his elation quickly falls when he spots a flash of green in the distance, rapidly approaching.

Somebody's let the big guy out.

Tony curses then, long and loud into the commlink. 'You dumb fucks. I told you to keep Bruce away from this.'

Roaring, the Hulk rushes past them, its two great arms picking up a car on the way - which it hurls at the aliens as if lobbing a bowling ball. Tony takes to the air and Cap sidesteps easily and rolls away from the explosive results, but Thor being nearest to the monsters, picks up half a dozen surface wounds.

'Thor-'

'Do not fret, Man of Iron, for these wounds are as paper cuts onto me,' Thor boasts. 'We shall mount the heads of our enemies on the wall and feast on their flesh come supper!'

'Urm. Yeah ok,' Tony says, and leaves it at that. Homicides and entrail-eating tendencies probably runs in that royal family or something.

They manage to lure the Hulk away only after he had pounded a substantial number of the girati into the pavement. Tony is pretty sure the United States President is going to make substantial budget announcements soon; something along the lines of 'monies for rebuilding stuff aliens and Avengers destroy'. SHIED has all but evacuated the civilians, a thankfully small number due to the relatively earliness of the day.

Unfortunately, one of the aliens Hulk smashes is against Clint's building, sending its charring remains against the tight ledge that Hawkeye is perched upon and sweeping him right off.

Tony watches in horror as Hawkeye falls like a shot sparrow from the sky.

'Clint!' Natasha's scream tears through the commlink.

Ironman doesn't have enough time to catch him the ordinary way. But he does have time – just barely, to cannon ball them both into the side of a building, managing to turn the suit around only at the last minute to absorb the impact against the shattering glass.

Then he falls to the ground still holding on to Clint, grateful for Cap's shield as it rolls above them both to protect them from the worst of the falling debris. Explosions continue to go off in the distance, but Tony knows the fight is over. They've won.

Thank fucking god.

Clint is lying very still on top of him.

'Hey, pumpkin pie.'

Silence.

Ironman raises one arm and pushes the shield away. 'Clint.'

Should there be this much blood? There shouldn't be this much blood. Oh god.

'Please be ok please be ok,' Tony chants, and slaps the man cradled in his arms. 'Wake up!'

He almost cries in relief when Hawkeye finally stirs. Tony finally slackens, and decides to just continue lying on the rubble without moving. Rubble can be comfortable, given the right incentive. He'll just lie here till kingdom come. Or a crane. Whichever happens first.

'Oh Tin Can,' Clint slurs at him, finally sitting up and spitting blood. 'We need to stop meeting like this.'

'What, and spoil the romantic storyline of a generation? You did good there, princess.'

Hawkeye merely smiles into the dawning sun, eyes closed. 'Yep. Yep I did. G650 kinda good, I should think.'

'Oh honey, you definitely cracked your skull real hard on that building.'

'One day, Stark, you're going to beg me to take that plane off your hands.'

'You just keep on dreaming, sugar bun.'

Soon Clint is lifted off him by SHIELD support staff, although he refuses to leave - and Tony looks up to find all the Avengers standing around him. The uniform grimness of their expressions marks him for having run out of time and excuses.

'Tony,' Steve's voice is like a noose around his neck. 'I think you have some major explaining to do.'

Raising his hands, Ironman tries to stave off the team's darkening mood. 'Before you string me up for salting, just remember who saved the day.'

Natasha narrows an eyebrow. 'How'd you know stuff that even Thor couldn't tell us?'

'Because I told him, of course,' a familiar voice drawls behind them, and Tony doesn't need to turn around to know its Loki standing behind him, making use of the breaking daylight to highlight the dramatic timing of his entrance, the sneaky little fuck.

'Brother?' Thor gapes.

'I see,' Tasha murmurs.

'-the'fuck?' swears Clint.

'Tony.' Steve sighs.

'STARK!' bellows Fury.

And Tony gives up and lets his head fall back into the concrete, because his life is now officially full of fucked.

[FINI]

~o0o0o~

Author's Notes:

Aaaaaand that wraps up all 17 episodes of 'Oyster Sashimi, Olive Martini'!

Up next, the drama continues with 'Iced Mint Tea + Sympathy'. Will the Avengers kick Tony out for sleeping with the enemy? Will Tony be able to muzzle Loki from laying waste to earth via the awesome powers of SMEX? Will Loki eventually get tired of watermelons? Is there really a cure for Tony's shrapnel-stricken heart?

THANK YOU FOR READING AND COMMENTING!

As usual, if you enjoyed this, leave a tip in the reviews section please. It makes a hulluva difference to us writers, especially whilst ploughing through scripts at 4am wondering why we can't have normal stamp collecting hobbies like everyone else.

Lots of 3!
Lucius Complex