Chapter One

Perry wasn't smiling.

He couldn't help it. He just couldn't stand parties. All the loud noises, blindingly bright colors, stupid confetti messing up the whole place, balloons that made your fur stick up if they touched you.

Monogram and Carl always threw one in his lair every so often. Always either on a random date they assumed was his birthday or for some number-related special occasion.

"Cheer up!" Darren the duck said, approaching Perry. "It's a party. Have fun! Celebrate that O.W.C.A got the tacos back in the lunch menu."

"Nice thing to celebrate." Perry muttered. The fact that they had to celebrate Taco Day today just made the party worse.

"Why do you hate parties so much?"

"They're never for anything good. And why should we be celebrating when there's other stuff we have to do?"

"You're too stressed. You need to learn to take a break." Darren held out a wing. "Come on."

Perry shook his head.

"They're for birthdays. That's a good thing."

"They never get the right day." Perry stared into his lemonade cup. "And on my birthday, it's always 'here's your mission, put a stop to this, blah blah blah'. Last year, a month before my birthday, they threw me a party. Then on my ACTUAL fifth birthday it was raining and they made fun of me for slipping on a chair."

"Then TELL Monogram when your birthday is!"
"It gets in the way of work. Besides, I told him once. He obviously didn't remember." Perry dumped his lemonade out into the trashcan he was sitting next to.

"You look more bummed than usual. Anything wrong?"

"Go have fun. I think I'm just gonna go home."

"You should stay."

"People have other things to get hyped up about besides tacos." Perry stood up and headed for the stairs.

"You leaving already, Agent P?" Monogram called. "The taco cake's almost here!"

Perry ignored him.

"What's his problem?" Carl asked.

"Maybe he doesn't like tacos. It's probably just because it's a party." Monogram said.

"But he usually stays thirty minutes before he gets fed up. This time it took only ten."

"You actually COUNT, Carl?"

"I get bored."

Monogram turned to a calendar to check the date. "Shall we write 'annual taco day', Carl?"

"We shall!"

Monogram grabbed a pen and then stared at the calendar. "There's already something written there…"

He turned and looked at Perry. "Agent P, I'm so sorry we forgot again. Say Happy Birthday, everyone! Agent P's six today!"

Perry ran up the stairs before anyone could say anything else.

"Oh, there you are, Perry. Happy birthday!" Phineas picked his pet up and carried him over to the dining table. A blue tablecloth was set out, and a huge cake was in the middle. There was only one balloon.

Perry gave a purr of satisfaction.

Phineas sat down in a chair at the table.

"You're wonderful!" said a voice.

Phineas pulled the toy Carlos the Caring Clown out from underneath him.

Perry growled at it. Carlos was at the top of Perry's most hated objects list.

Phineas threw Carlos out of the way and gave Perry a hug. "You're six years old now, boy!"
Perry put a paw on the tablecloth, indicating that he wanted some cake.

"How much cake can Perry get, mom?" Phineas asked.

Perry started chattering. "Since I'm six, and six times six is THIRTY-six…"

"He can have one piece." Linda said. She was washing the dishes. "If he eats more than one, he always throws up on the rug. And THAT'S no fun to clean up."

"Stop cleaning it up, then." Perry retorted.

He shifted his position so that his leg was resting on Phineas' knee. He'd gotten stitches in that leg after a little accident involving a zip-line ski-lift and some bomb. In a couple weeks his vet (really Monogram in disguise) would take them out. They didn't really bother him anymore.

Phineas stabbed a huge chunk of cake with a fork and held it out to Perry. He ate it gratefully.

This was the way to celebrate. Not too much noise or balloons. But you could always have more cake.

"Why'd you run off? Monogram knew it was your birthday."

"He would have turned the Taco Day party into a birthday party."
Darren gave Perry an odd look. "That would have been awesome, though. You should have let him."

"I didn't like the party, okay?" Perry was resting on the grooming table. He'd already been cleaned, but he wasn't quite ready to get up.

It was a good thing the O.W.C.A offered a cleaning service. Perry's fur was water-tight, so the baths Phineas and Ferb gave him weren't effective. He'd smell like vanilla for about an hour. But then it was right back to platypus scent.

Perry didn't think much of his natural smell, but apparently Candace wasn't fond of it. Some of the agents liked to steer clear of him, too, no matter how much they liked him.

Anyway, it was good to get a thorough bath. It certainly felt better.

Darren was gazing at the photos on the wall. "Man, I'd like to meet her." He pointed at a painting of a female duck.

"She's a painting."

"She's beautiful."

"She's a painting."

"Had a bad day?"

Perry sighed. "Not really. Monogram thinks I'm mad at him, though, and keeps trying to send me belated birthday cards. I'm sick of the whole thing."

"I just can't see how that would be annoying."

"I've always been that way. I can't help it. Unless it's cake they're offering me." Perry picked up a mirror and stared at himself. "You think I look better?"

"You look like a platypus."

"That's good, I guess." Perry allowed the mirror to drop. It crashed to the floor.

Darren stared at him. "You just broke a mirror."

"I'll pay for it."
"That's seven years of bad luck!"

"I'm not the superstitious type."

"Still…"

"I wonder if there's a new selection of squeaky toys at the pet store."

"Perry!"

"Circles are a preferable shape…"

"Peeerrryyy!"

"The wheels on the bus go…"

"PERRY! Stop talking to yourself and pay attention to me!"

Perry turned back to his friend. "Sorry. I was just thinking."

"You're so distracted sometimes."

"Monogram's trying to train me out of it."

"Well, it's not working. Anyway, don't you think you oughta find out if there's a way to counteract bad luck?"

"Don't have any."

"You just broke a mirror!"

"Monogram thinks that he might send me to a seminar… but at the last Distraction Seminar I was at, all I remember was this pretty bird I saw out the window… he was red. Had an orange beak. Man, that was a nice day."

"PERRY! The mirror!"

"I told you, I'm not superstitious." Perry got up and shook himself off so his fur would settle.

"Come on, guys!" Carl said, poking his head in the room. "We're gonna watch baby videos of all the agents!"

"That'll be fun. Imagine what Agent B was like!" Darren said.

Perry was having a nice dream.

He was in a big canyon full of cake, and Doofenshmirtz was in a tutu.

Suddenly one of the cakes started talking. "You're a great friend!"

Perry woke up quickly. He knew that voice.

"You play fair!" said Carlos the Caring clown.

"How did you get in my bed?" Perry demanded.

"Friends share! It shows they care!"

"GO AWAY!" Perry tossed Carlos out of the pet bed. He slammed against the wall.

"Always include others! That shows you CARE."

"I DON'T CARE!"

Perry curled back up in his pet bed. Stupid clown. He'd destroy that thing one day.

A soft breeze came in through the open window. It blew Perry's blanket off of him.

Perry went and got it. He dragged it back to his bed and lay back down.

The breeze blew the blanket off again.

Perry growled and went over to the window. He had to stand on Phineas' pillow to close it.

Phineas sat up. "Perry?" He asked drowsily.

Perry froze in his position. "You're asleep." He chattered.

"Why are you standing on two legs?"

"Because I am a dream. You are asleep." Perry closed the window.

"Perry, how did you-"

Perry pressed the alarm clock with his paw. It started playing a song quietly.

Phineas went back to sleep.

Perry smiled. That song always made Phineas tired.

Chapter Two

Perry trudged over to Darren the next morning. He was covered in mud, and his fedora was torn a little on the side.

"You were right." He muttered.

"Right about what?"

"Breaking that mirror. This morning, I fell in a mud puddle, fought with a badger and was mauled by a corn dog."

"Mauled by a corn dog?"
"Don't ask, long story. Anyways, I'm officially superstitious now."

"Gosh." Darren wiped a bit of mud from Perry's coat. "You seem really focused today, though."

"Oh yes. That too. You know Monogram would never dare go to any extreme level to train us?"

"Of course. He's a total animal lover."

"Yes, until I broke that mirror. A man from the North Carolina's O.W.C.A suggested something that keeps distracted agents from getting so off track. Monogram agreed to try it."

"What is it?"

"It's supposed to be set really low. It won't hurt me."

"What is it?"

"But still, it can deliver a pretty good-" Perry suddenly jumped in the air. Then he sighed and lifted up the fur on his neck.

"It's… a collar."

"Shocks me any time I get distracted." Perry let his fur back down.

Darren stared at him. "But… Monogram's totally against those collars! He'd never use one!"

"Apparently now, he does. I'm telling you, it's the mirror. We have to stop this. I can't stand seven years of this kind of day."
"Maybe we can break it off."

"Monogram said I could ask him to take it off if it got uncomfortable."

"Why didn't you ask?"

"Because it works. I haven't had my head in the clouds all day." Perry adjusted his collar. "Still, it is a little annoying. Yeah, I think I want to take it off."

"I'll go with you."
They started walking down the halls toward Monogram's office.

Perry leapt in the air again.

"What was that?" Darren asked.

"Started thinking about gummy bears. I'm back to thinking about walking down this hall, though."

"You know, if you ever want to enter a who-can-jump-the-highest contest, bring that thing with you."
"That's not funny."

They reached Monogram's door. Perry knocked.

There only answer was the sound of water running.

"Is it between 3:30 and 4:00?" Perry asked.

Darren looked at his watch. "Yep."

"He's in the shower. We gotta wait until he gets out." Perry sat down in front of the door. "See? More bad luck."

"After you get that collar off, I can look up how to get rid of rotten luck." Darren offered.

"That would be wonderful."

They waited.

"So." Darren said.
"Yes?"

"What do you want to talk about?"
"Marshmallows."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry, Agent P." Monogram said, unfastening the collar. "Normally I wouldn't try something like that, but it really does work. No use, though, if it doesn't feel good to you. There's another seminar I can send you to."
He tossed the collar in the wastebasket and patted Perry's head.

Darren ran into Monogram's room. "Guess what, Perry? I went on a site made for superstitious animals. Found out the cure."

"Great. But I have to go to the stupid seminar right now. See you after."

Perry returned to Darren in about three hours.

"Okay, so I tried to get out of the seminar building. When, joy, the world's fattest bus decides to park in front of the place, taking up the whole world of the parking lot. It's sweltering hot and I'm carrying at least twice my weight in pamphlets- never read the things- and people start getting OFF the bus. So now I'm stuck in a huge crowd of people and there's this red car in front of the bus that is refusing to move, so the bus can't leave, so I can't get to my scooter. The guy in the red car's trying to decide which phone he should leave on and he FINALLY does and drives off and then Fat Bus starts driving away REALLY SLOWLY. So I get to my scooter and am driving back and I run into Doofenshmirtz, who is going somewhere and wants me to wait with him for his bus. Guess what bus it was? So, as he's going to get on, his suitcase rolls over my foot. Then he's on and I have to wait at least twenty minutes while the driver figures out which pedal makes the huge thing go. Then I got back on my scooter and came here."

"That luck again, huh?"

"Driving me insane. So, what's the secret?"

Darren pointed at a page he had printed out. "It says here that you may be able to prevent bad luck by knocking on wood, blowing up thirty balloons, or chasing your tail."

"Undignified, that last one."
"Pinky does it all the time."

Perry sighed. "I guess they're worth a try." He walked over to a wooden ladder and knocked on it.

"Perry!"

"This is smooth. I was afraid it would be all splintery."

"PERRY!"

"What?"

"You're standing under a ladder?"

"So?"

"That's another way to get bad luck!"

"Aggh!" Perry leapt out from underneath the ladder.

Carl was at the top, putting up a poster on the wall.

"I'll see if we can find some balloons." Darren said.

Carl reached over for the poster glue and accidentally knocked the bucket over. It splashed on Perry.

"I'm so sorry, Agent P!" Carl gasped. He ran down the ladder and pulled the bucket off of Perry's head.

The ladder shook a little. The box of glitter that rested on the ladder fell over.

It stuck to the glue.

"Get the balloons FAST." Perry growled.

"What happened?"

"I don't know. He came through the pet flap like that."

The Flynn-Fletcher family was all crowded around Perry.

Perry wasn't sure how he felt about this attention. He looked over at his bandaged leg. The bandage was covered in glue.

"What happened to all his fur?" Ferb asked.

"Where could it have gone?" Phineas wondered. "Fur doesn't just get up and walk away. His bandage is all plastic-looking, too."

"It looks like someone chopped all his fur off." Candace said.

"No one would do that!" Phineas insisted. "Maybe he got caught in a bush. Or maybe he's shedding."

"All at once?" Candace said skeptically. "I don't think so."

"Are you SURE you don't know how this happened, Phineas?" Linda asked.

"No, of course not!"

"Oh, really?" Candace said.

"I was four when I did that! And I wouldn't do it again!"

Perry lay down and closed his eyes, fighting back tears. They couldn't just blame it all on Phineas. That wasn't fair. It was Carl's fault.

"Maybe we should take him to the vet." Phineas said.

Perry got up and wandered upstairs. He really just wanted to take a nap.

He stepped on a rubber ducky that was on one of the steps and fell. He clunked on about three steps before he finally landed on the ground.

Perry shook himself off with a snort.

"Perry!" Phineas and Ferb ran over to him. "Are you okay?"

"Rubber duckie will pay." Perry chattered.

Phineas tried to pet him, but it wasn't easy due to Perry's lack of fur, so he just patted him instead.

Perry ambled back up the stairs, picking up rubber ducky in his mouth. He knew what he was going to do.

Once he was out of the boys' sight, he stood on his hind legs and grabbed Carlos the caring clown, then headed for the bathroom.

He would rid of these pests once and for all.

He lifted the toilet lid and stuffed Carlos inside, then rubber ducky, who just floated merrily on top of the water.

"You're a great friend!" Carlos said, squashed in the toilet bowl.

Perry flushed. Rubber ducky began to spin around and around. Carlos was squeezing into the hole. "You play so nicely with others!"

Suddenly Carlos started to expand. As he did, his voice got slower.

"Yoooouuu arrrreee theeeee bbb…. Beessstttt…. Youuuuuuuu shhhhoooouuullld aaalllwwwaaayyyyss innncclllluudddeee…"

Then… BANG!

Carlos exploded. Water shot everywhere. Rubber ducky flew and cracked the bathroom light.

Perry watched happily.

Carlos' head landed in the bathtub. His remains were scattered among the tile.

Rubber ducky was still in one piece on the floor.

Perry got back into pet form as he heard Phineas and Ferb approach.

"What the…" Phineas gasped as he opened the door.

The water was spurting out of the toilet like a lovely fountain.

Perry sat, surrounded by bits of what had formerly been Carlos' body.

Phineas glanced over at Carlos' head in the bathtub.

"Boys?" Linda called. "What's going on up there?"

"I think Perry just flushed Candace's old clown toy down the toilet." Phineas called.

Devon the dog wandered into the O.W.C.A's main room.

Balloons were everywhere. Perry sat in the middle of them, blowing up more.

"What's going on?" Devon asked.

Perry looked up at him. He felt very lightheaded. "Blowing up balloons to get rid of bad luck."

"Your fur going missing is bad luck?"
"Well, last night I was shut outside because of a mishap with a stupid clown and a toilet, and then there was the fat bus and the suitcase rolling over my foot and the guy in the red car and the glue and the glitter and the shock collar and the badger fight and falling in a mud puddle and getting mauled by a corn dog."
"Mauled… by a corn dog?"

"Long story. Anyway, if I blow up thirty balloons, my bad luck will be gone." Perry tried to continue to fill his balloon with air, then collapsed. "I think I'm starting to see stars."
Devon grabbed the balloon from Perry's hand. "Take a break. You're gonna lose air."

"I'm gonna LOSE IT if I keep having these problems! I'm so sick of these days I've been having. It's a good thing Doof's out of town. He'd probably win every battle if I had to fight him!"

"So why are you here if you have no mission?"

"I'm not allowed back in the house until the plumber fixes the toilet and the mess gets cleaned up." Perry sighed and gave a balloon a hug. "Maybe I should try something else."

"Yeah. Before you pass out from loss of oxygen."

Chapter Three

Perry sat in Phineas' lap.

He was still holding Linda's pillow in his mouth. It had been very delicious.

He wasn't sure what had happened. He'd just felt a desire to chew, and Carlos was no longer there to fulfill that desire. The pillow had done nicely.

"Phineas, open the door." Linda called.

"I won't!" Phineas shouted, clutching Perry so tightly he had difficulty breathing.

Ferb started hugging Perry as well.

"Phineas, I didn't mean right NOW." Linda sounded desperate. "I meant if his behavior continues like this."

"We're NOT taking Perry back to the animal shelter!"

Perry was a little concerned about this conversation, but not much. He continued to dismantle the pillow.

"Phineas, does he still have my pillow?"

"If I say no, will you let him stay?"

"Open the door, please."

Phineas got up and started tugging the pillow from Perry's mouth.

Perry growled at him. It was his pillow. He had found it first.

Phineas yanked the pillow out of his mouth and tossed it on Ferb's bed. Then he picked Perry up and went to unlock the door.

Linda came in and looked over at her destroyed pillow. Then she glared back at Perry.

"It was chewy." Perry chattered quietly.

Linda looked back at Phineas. "I'll make you two a deal. If you can train him out of this bad behavior, then you can keep him."

"He's never acted like this before."

"That just means you'll have to watch him. And scold him if he does something bad. I can't have him destroying the whole house." Linda turned and left.
Perry struggled to break free from Phineas' grasp. He hadn't finished with the pillow yet.

Perry sat in the middle of the lawn. He stared at Phineas and Ferb.

They stared back at him.

Perry didn't understand. Why were they watching him? How could he get into his lair if they wouldn't stop staring at him?
Perry wondered if he could bore them into leaving. He gave a small sigh and lay down, as if taking a nap.

After a few fake snorts, he opened one eye to look at them.

They were looking back.

"Whatcha doin'?" Isabella asked. She sat down next to Phineas.

"Watching Perry. If we catch him doing something bad, we have to train him out of it. Otherwise mom's taking him back to wherever we got him from."

So THIS was the reason. Perry tried to give Phineas a sympathetic look, but it only hurt his unfocused eyes.

"I'll help you watch him." Isabella said.

Perry sat there a few more minutes.

Then he sped away and leapt over the fence, jumping into the trash can that served as his lair entrance.

"Why are we all crowded?" Darren asked Perry.

Perry pointed. Monogram was standing with a female platypus.

"New agent." Perry said glumly. "More bad luck."

"Looks like a potential mate for you, actually."

"I'm the only platypus here. Monogram promised I would be the only platypus."

"So?"

"So, if her name just so happens to start with a P, we'll get so mixed up any time someone calls us. If Monogram wants Pinky, he calls him 'The Chihuahua Agent P'. Now, with her, he's gonna call 'The platypus Agent P' and we'll both go running."

"Maybe her name won't start with P."

"Fat chance, the week I've been having."

Monogram beamed at all the agents. "This is Poppy."

Perry gave Darren his I-told-you-so look.

"She's here from California. She moved here because she wanted to be right in the heart of O.W.C.A. Let's make her feel welcome."

The new recruits began shouting "Welcome!" cheerfully. The field agents saluted, and the security agents gave a cold nod.

"You may disband." Monogram said.

The agents began mingling.

"Oh great, she's coming over here." Perry muttered.

"Platypus radar." Darren commented. "You know, if she didn't have eyelashes, she could totally pass for you."

"Hey." Poppy said, holding out her hand. "You're Perry, right?"

"No, my name's John Quincy Adams and I invented cereal."

Poppy smiled. "I'm Marilyn Monroe. Perhaps you saw me in Space Adventure II."

"I threw that movie in the trash."

"Hm, and I can't stand cereal. So we're even."

Perry finally shook her hand.

"I read about you on the O.W.C.A internet. You're ranked the 2nd best field agent."

"Seriously?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"I don't even know you."

Poppy shrugged. "I can send you the link. Anyways, I haven't made it to field agent yet. Guess it's kinda stupid talking to one."

"I don't care about social classes. One of my friends is actually a new recruit." Perry pointed at Kevin the koi fish, who was swimming around in a fishtank.

"Ah. Well, I need to go get settled. Nice haircut, by the way."

"Patchy fur is all the rage in New York."

"You mean Paris. See ya, John." Poppy waved and left.

"She's sweet." Darren said. "Got your sense of humor, too."

"Maybe." Perry shrugged. "You ARE still gonna look up some new bad-luck-stoppers, right? I lost my wind on the balloon one and got too dizzy when I chased my tail."

"Well, have you had any more bad luck?"

"Since we last talked, I exploded the bathroom and ripped up the living room carpet."
"Let me guess. The living room carpet one was intentional."

"Heck no. I got the next-door neighbor's spike-bottomed sandal stuck on my foot. I was trying to get it off without using my hands. The bathroom explosion was intentional."

"Stuff the toilet full of toilet paper?"

"Nope. Stuffed it with a friendly clown."

Darren stared at him. "That's the second weirdest thing I've heard all week."

"What's the first?"

"That mauled-by-a-corn-dog thing."

"It's true!" Perry insisted. "I still have marks from the attack!"

"Wait, let's go back a little bit. Your neighbors have a… spike-bottomed sandal?"

"Yeah, well, they're weird."

"Mom!" Phineas called. He was looking outside his bedroom window with binoculars.

"Yes?"

"The neighbors are being weird again."

"What are they doing this time?"
"They're throwing corn dogs into our yard."

"Oh boy."

"I wish they'd stop. One hit Perry the last time they did that."

Perry was sitting on the floor, chewing thoughtfully on one of Ferb's soccer balls. Ferb never seemed to mind.

"That's not yours." Phineas said, trying to pull the ball away from Perry.

Perry growled playfully. He enjoyed tug-of-war.

"How come you never play with the chew toys we buy you?"

Perry heard a noise and turned around. Phineas, who had still been tugging on the ball, flew back onto his bed.

It was a pretty cardinal. Cardinals were interesting.

"Perry!"

The cardinal was tweeting. Its words made no sense, but it was obviously singing a famous song.

"Perry!"

Perry tried to figure it out. It wasn't the farmer in the dell. Or that song about a horse he'd heard on TV that weekend.

"PERRY!"

Perhaps it was a Marty the Rabbit Boy and his Musical Blender original.

"PERRY! You're staring at the wall! Why aren't you turning around?"

Perry shook himself and turned to face Phineas. He leapt on the bed next to him.

Sometimes Perry wished he could do more with Phineas, like play fetch or run around. But he didn't want there to be a single flaw in his mindless pet act. If Phineas found out again… Perry hated saying goodbye.

He was glad he no longer had to worry about being relocated- unless he was upgraded to a new villain. But the chances of that were slim. It had only happened twice and Doofenshmirtz had helped him get rid of that villain both times.

The memory erasing was hard on him, though. And Perry wasn't sure how many times it would work.

Phineas started to pet him. Perry began to chew on Phineas' shoe.

He was getting more teeth now. Perry didn't like the soreness and desire to chew, but at least he'd be able to bite more stuff.

For a second, Perry almost wished he hadn't exploded Carlos in the toilet. Carlos would be the perfect chew toy.

"You're growing teeth." Phineas observed, trying to push Perry away from his shoe. "I'll get you your toy to chew on."

Perry watched Phineas dig through his toy basket. Perry's favorite toy was the squeaky hamburger.

"Here you go." Phineas gave him a toy shaped like a pink bunny.

Perry chewed it. It wasn't as satisfying as Phineas' shoe, but it would work.

"I wonder if you're going to lose some teeth when the new ones grow in." Phineas said. "Then the tooth fairy will come."

Perry gave him as confused a look as possible without blowing his cover.

"The tooth fairy comes at night, and if you put your tooth under your pillow, she leaves you money."

More bad luck. Creepy fairies breaking into the house and paying money for something no one would ever think of buying.

Perry would have to be prepared.

Phineas tripped on the way to bed.

He turned on the light.

Perry looked up at him. He was all ready for the tooth fairy. He was lying in his pet bed by his squeaky toys for extra protection. If the fairy came, she'd step on a toy and wake him up. He had Ferb's water gun nearby to squirt at the fairy, and his pet bed was surrounded by pillows and stuffed animals.

Buh-bye, fairy.

"Ferb, did you do all that?"

"I reckon Perry did, actually."

"Huh." Phineas turned out the light again.

Perry began to chew on his hamburger.

SQUEEK SQUUEEEEAAAAKKKK SQUEEEEEEEEKKK.

Phineas made an angry noise. Perry wasn't sure why.

Perry was dreaming happily about a cake. Phineas was skipping around it, throwing sprinkles on it. Ferb was pouring on gobs of frosting.

A unicorn skipped past. "Beep! Beep! Beep!" It said.

Perry was confused.

The unicorn got up in his face. "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"

Perry woke up then. Phineas had set the stupid alarm, and now it was going off.

Phineas yawned and stepped out of bed, right on a squeaky rubber gorilla.

BEEP! SQUEEK!

Perry growled and covered his ears. Too much noise. More bad luck.

Chapter Four

"Let me drive the golf cart." Perry insisted.

"I GOT it!"

It was nice that the O.W.C.A had a new golf green. Perry didn't care much for golf, but the carts were fun, and getting your own was REALLY awesome.

Even if Poppy had insisted on driving your cart and was currently making it jump over hills.

"Just a word of advice." Devon said, holding on tightly. He was seated in the back. "When you offer to drive someone to the restrooms, don't make it the world's bumpiest ride."

"This thing's harder to control than it looks." Poppy apologized.

"Well, control it!"

Poppy gave him an evil glare.

"Look ahead! Look ahead!" Devon gestured frantically.

"Tree!" Perry screamed.

Poppy swerved, nearly overturning the cart. They ran over a golf tee that Agent O had been using.

"Sorry, Otis!" Perry called.

"Who taught you to drive?" Devon asked.

"Don't distract her!" Perry warned.

"Who puts trees on a golf course?" Poppy demanded.

"Monogram stuck them there especially for you to run over." Perry said.

"I specialize in running over barns, not trees."

"Good to know. Next week agents will be wondering why we've got barns all over our golf course."

"That's wonderful banter, but I'm gonna lose it if we don't get there in a few minutes." Devon warned.

"I'm hurrying, don't push me!" Poppy snapped. She slammed on the brake suddenly.

"Terry the turtle is crossing the green." Perry observed.

"Of all the agents to get IN FRONT of this cart, it has to be the world's SLOWEST!" Devon moaned.

"This isn't a cart. This is the Potty Express." Poppy said.

"Whatever it is, IT ISN'T VERY EFFICIENT!"

The instant Agent T was out of range, Poppy started the cart up again. They zoomed toward the bathroom.

"By the way, do you have a driver's license?" Perry asked.

The cart slammed straight into the bathroom. Perry fell out and hit his head on a stall door.

Devon ran into one of the stalls.

"What's a driver's license?" Poppy asked. "By the way, thanks. I've always wanted to try driving something."

Perry knocked on Doofenshmirtz's door.

"What's this?" Doofenshmirtz opened the door and looked at him. "This better not be another workout song."

Perry shook his head, smiled, and held out his hands.

"What? Are those mints? They're really tiny."

Perry shook his head again.

"Oh, they're teeth! You lost your baby teeth! Oh, look how cute they are! Just the bottom parts, I mean. The top parts of the teeth are really disgusting."

Perry had to agree with that.

"Are you going to put them under your pillow?"

Perry grimaced.

"I'm terrified of that fairy too. But here, I'll give you a visit from the Doof fairy!" He ran inside his apartment and came out with a slice of cake.

Sometimes Doofenshmirtz knew him so well.

Perry stuck his teeth back in his fur pocket and started munching down the cake.

"Yes, you love blueberry cake, don't you? Come back tomorrow. I'll have a scheme worked up by then and you can foil me."

Perry found a new game to play with his baby teeth. He could hold them in his mouth and spit them from a distance into his water dish.

He hadn't thought of the game as gross until Phineas made a sick face after watching him do it a few times.

Phineas got him a clean water dish. He put Perry's teeth in a little plastic bag and stuck them in a shoebox labeled "Perry".

Perry started to drink from the clean dish.

Candace came into the room. She was on the phone with Jeremy, her boyfriend.

"Okay! Yes! I'll see you tonight!" She hung up and began screaming happily.

The high-pitched scream startled Perry. He overturned his dish and spilled water all over the floor.

Candace, who was dancing around, slipped on the water and crashed into the refrigerator. Two bananas fell on the floor.

"What's going o-" Ferb slipped on one of the bananas and landed face-first in the sink. The impact caused a milk jug to tip over and spill on Perry.

Perry chattered angrily.

"I don't understand. Why aren't you in the agency today?"

"I caught the flu, Darren."

Perry could hardly hold the videophone up. Everything ached. He was glad that he was lying down on the couch.

"Aren't you a germaphob?"

"YES." Perry sneezed. The spray landed on his blanket. He shoved it away fearfully.

"Not to worry. I read up on some more luck stuff. Try sticking your head in a bucket and taking seven steps without crashing into anything. The seven steps are for each year of bad luck."

"The germs… they're inside me…"

"PERRY! The bucket!"

"Oh, fine." Perry shut off the phone and slowly got off the couch. He hoped he could FIND a bucket. He felt like he'd be making rug art pretty soon. It could probably even be a rug masterpiece.

"Perry, you shouldn't be up." Phineas picked him up and held him.

"Well, here I am, UP."

Phineas stuck him back on the couch.

"I need a bucket." Perry chirped.

"Now you stay there, boy. You need your rest." Phineas patted him and left the room.

Perry wished Phineas had switched the TV on before he left. Maybe to a nice soap opera. Perry was hooked on those.

He got up again and ambled to the pet door. Maybe there was a bucket outside.

Lawrence was barbecuing in the backyard. Normally Perry would run up and beg for a patty, but he wasn't in the mood.

Suddenly Perry was yanked out of the backyard and thrown down on the sidewalk.

Perry was too sick to fight back. He drowsily looked up at his attacker.

It was obviously an animal, and it wore a black suit that covered everything but its eyes. Those eyes looked familiar… Perry couldn't really register anything at the moment.

"Don't make a sound. And do as I say." The attacker pulled him up. "I'll lead you. Walk."
They headed a little farther down the sidewalk and came to a manhole. The attacker removed the lid and pointed. There was a slide inside.

"Go on."

Perry tried to look for a way to escape.

"You want me to fry you? It's the easiest thing in the world. Slide down."

Perry decided he didn't have much of a choice. He slid. His attacker followed.

They landed in a dark room lit by a single light bulb. A few animals were sitting around a table, playing cards.

A white dog with bright blue eyes sat shivering in a corner.

The attacker gave Perry a shove. He fell against the table.

A horse hoisted him up and turned him so that he faced towards Dennis, who had just removed his black mask.

"I'm certain you're very busy, so I'll ask for what I need: Where's Palmer?"

Perry squinted. "Wha… I thought you were in O.W.C.A's prison."
"I'm not only a master of disguise, I'm an escape artist as well. Now, where is he?"

"I don't know any Palmer."

Dennis glared over at the white dog, who seemed to turn even whiter from his gaze. "You said there was a Palmer."

"I… I d-d-don't… know. I only… g-g-et a few facts…"

"Tell me what you see now!" Dennis snapped.

The dog continued to shiver. "I… I see… Palmer… but I don't know when it will happen, Dennis. It may not have happened yet."

"What's going on here?" Perry demanded.

Dennis sighed and gave Perry a bored look. "Sandy here is a very impressive dog. She can see a few things from the future. I just wish she'd see them a bit CLEARER. Now, Perry, apparently an agent was or is going to be born directly into O.W.C.A. An agent who has been trained his whole life may indeed be very powerful."

"No agent's ever been born into the agency."

"Not yet. But perhaps in the near future. His name is Palmer. And when he is born, after a few weeks of training, I intend to take over. We'll have the most powerful rogue anyone could ever imagine. And O.W.C.A will fall."

"I don't know any Palmer."

"Not yet. Huh, but who cares about the yet part? We'll deal with you right now. It'll be nice to get you out of my hair once and for all."

"Where is he…?" Sandy said.

Dennis stared at her. "And her, too, while we're at it."

Sandy snapped out of her visions. "Wh-what?! But… but you promised you wouldn't hurt me if I told you!"

"Oh, it doesn't hurt." Dennis smiled meanly. "Super quick. Won't know what hit-"

Dennis was knocked to the ground. Poppy tied up his wrists.

"What are you doing here?" Perry coughed.

"Saving your neck, looks like. The conditions down here are just wrong."

"He's back." Sandy said.

Poppy looked over at Sandy. "Who's that?"

"Sandy. She gets visions."

"Ah. Nice."

The other animals in the room backed away.

"How'd you find me?" Perry asked.

"You have a tracking chip in your back, remember? Monogram gave me the GPS thingy when you didn't show up this morning. At first you were at home, but I got confused when you went inside a gutter. So I decided to check out the scene."

"Thank goodness for that."

"I always knew you were bad news." Poppy told Dennis.

Dennis hissed at her.

"Come on, Perry." Poppy untied him. "You too, Sandra."

"Sandy."

"Oh. Well, come on anyways."

"That's… a very interesting video." Monogram said.

"We made it on Pinky's computer." Devon said proudly. Monogram didn't understand him, though.

Perry hit the play button again. He wasn't sure why Monogram hadn't liked it.

Pinky and Devon appeared on the screen, wearing matching lime green suits and rainbow wigs.

"Oh, oh, yeah, yeah!" They sang.

Then Perry came on. His wig was long and bubblegum pink, and he wore a purple top. "D-d-d-don't judge, c-c-c-c-cuz we, got a thing goin', such a thing goin', yeah!"

Monogram had his hands over his ears.

"It's a Madame Googoo song." Pinky said sadly. "It's really popular."

"Monogram isn't into the electronic stuff, I guess." Devon shrugged.

"I think I sang good." Perry continued watching.

"You, you gotta stay alert, it will hurt, yeah! WOOP! WOOP!"

Monogram paused the video. The screen captured Pinky doing the worm.

"Er… very nice, boys."

"Keep playing it!" Perry urged. "You have to see the part when Devon throws Pinky in the air!"

"I told you to edit that out." Devon said.

"It was funny." Perry took the video out when Monogram ejected it. It was supposed to be a funny video, anyway. Usually Devon would have to force him into a bubblegum pink wig.

"MEETING!" Bernard the Bear called into the room.

"Darn." Pinky said. "I was thinking we could film a Paisley Sideburn Brothers hit after this."

Chapter Five

Perry put the bucket over his head. "Thanks for finding this, Darren."

"No problem."

"Seven steps?"

"Yep."

Perry started to walk. After about three steps, he crashed.

"Let's start you farther away from the wall this time." Darren suggested, pulling Perry back.

Perry tried again.

"Four… five… six…" Darren counted.

Perry crashed again.

"Sorry." Poppy said, pulling the bucket off of his head. "What are you doing, anyway?"

"Trying to get rid of the bad luck."

"Right. By sticking a bucket on your head and crashing into walls and innocent passerby."

"Hey, YOU ran in to ME."
"He broke a mirror." Darren explained. "Bad stuff's been happening to him ever since."

"Hm. Well, your fur's growing back. And you're not coughing like you were a few days ago. Maybe it's all in your head."

"It's not!" Perry insisted.

"He does have a tendency to crash when things are over his face, though." Darren said.

"Have you ever tried just putting the stupid mirror back together?" Poppy asked.

"That's genius!" Darren said.

Perry sighed. "Guess it's worth a try, anyway."

"Anything?"

Perry stared at himself in the glued mirror. "Well, nothing bad has happened yet, but it's bound to."

"Try the bucket thing." Poppy said.

Perry raised an eyebrow.

"Just try it." Darren agreed.

Perry sighed and stuck the bucket on his head. He began walking.

"You got to seven steps!" Darren said happily.

"Congratulations, no one's ever walked that many steps before!" Poppy said sarcastically.

Perry took off the bucket and smiled at them. "Thanks."

"I was making a joke."

"No, thanks for helping. I think it's gone now." Perry gave them both a hug.

"Any time." Poppy left the room.

Darren winked at him. "I think you have a shot there."

Perry shook his head. "Not interested."

"You will be, when you get to be my age."

Perry shrugged. "Hey, Pinky's making a new movie. Want to be in it?"

"I hope this isn't another one of those songs where you howl and chatter." Monogram said, switching on the TV.

All the agents were gathered around. Perry, Pinky, Devon and Darren sat in the front. Monogram and Carl were next to them.

The movie began.

Perry was lying down on a mattress. He had a star painted over one eye. Devon was wearing a black cloak.

A pie dropped on the floor in slow motion.

"You must." Pinky said, standing behind the mattress.

Perry sat up, holding his hand up. "Wait. They can hear us."

"Are they coming?" Devon asked.

"Pow! Pow!" Darren said from behind the camera.

"Agh!" Pinky cried out, holding onto his arm. "I've been hit!"

Darren ran over to Pinky and squirted ketchup on his arm. Then he went back behind the camera.

"THE AGONY!" Pinky howled.

The scene changed to a house blowing up. Then it changed back.

Perry was chasing Pinky down a hall, in slow motion.

"Yoooouuuu caaannn'tttt geeetttt meeeeeee!"

"DINOSAURS!" Devon said from off screen.

The credits started to roll.

Pinky clapped happily.

Monogram shook his head. "We need to send these guys to a filmmaking seminar."

"And it needs to be translated." Carl said. "All I heard was bark bark, yap yap, quack quack, chatter chatter."

"It makes no sense in our language either." Darren said.

"That's why it's so FUNNY!" Perry was doubled over with laughter.

"Guess what I got, Candace?" Phineas said.

Perry was sitting on the floor next to Phineas and Candace, chewing on his squeaky hamburger. It was making a lovely noise.

"Since Perry destroyed your property, Ferb and I pitched in to get you a replacement." Phineas held up a toy.

Perry glanced at it. Then he gave it a longer look.

Oh great.

Phineas squeezed its belly.

"You're a great friend!"

Perry sighed. He'd bury Carlos II in the backyard tomorrow.