This one is quite (well, extremely) angsty. It's my take on the Fangrai Forever 33rd Prompt (Some weeks after the fall of Cocoon, Lightning keeps seeing 'Fang' around every corner). I was aiming at something a bit less depressing, but it turned out like this. I keep an open ending in case I'm in the mood to write a second chapter that might be more cheerful!

Enjoy your reading and please let me know what you think ! :-)

Going Crazy

The first time it happened was no more than three days after Fang sacrificed herself by turning into Ragnarok and saving Cocoon. I was wandering in the streets, slowly getting used to that normal life I had stopped living when becoming a l'Cie. It felt weird walking alone, without my friends, but also without the perpetual fear of being attacked by horrible monsters or transforming into a Ciet'h. I have to admit, I miss that time. Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but even if all of this was crazy and dangerous, it gave me a reason to live. Save Serah, survive to see a better tomorrow. But now that it's finally over, what's left for me? Serah has Snow, she's going to get married, and she doesn't need me anymore. As for the better tomorrow… Of course, Cocoon is saved, the brands have disappeared, and everyone is fine. But to me, this future looks dull. I don't like it. A future without Fang is bound to be miserable. I feel miserable.

It's taken me a long time to understand – or better, to acknowledge – why I'm seeing her everywhere I go. The first time had just been a glimpse of her sari disappearing swiftly at the corner of a street. Then it had been her arm with the huge Pulsian tattoo I thought I saw, lost in a crowd of people. Then it had been her voice I heard on TV. At first, I thought that it was just because I missed her. She had been a good friend and partner, and I really got to like her, so I guessed it was normal.

But then it got worse. I started seeing her. Seeing her clothes, or things that reminded me of her, that's fine. But the sight of her smiling at me is something else entirely. After some time, I realized that not only do I miss her, but her absence makes my heart ache. Every time I hallucinate, I want to burst into tears of joy and run into her arms. And every time I remember she isn't really here, it feels like my heart is breaking into thousands of pieces. Once, I saw her standing in my kitchen, leaning against my fridge. I remember stopping dead in my tracks as I was heading for the stairs. I walked toward her, mouth agape, my hand reaching for hers. When my fingers closed around hers, she vanished. And I fell on my knees, crying my heart out. That was when I realized I loved her.

Because Lightning Farron never cries. I didn't cry when my father died, because I didn't know him enough to feel sad. I never cried when my mother was sick, because I was angry at her for leaving me with such a heavy burden on my shoulders. I never cried when Serah turned to crystal, because I knew I would find a way to get her back, no matter what. Somehow, I always had good reasons not to cry, even when it came to my family. But when it comes to Fang, it feels different. I have no good reasons. I got to know her too much. I know I can't get her back on my own. And the only burden she left me is that thing called love. What a stupid thing. Yes. Such a stupid thing. Before her, I had always been fine on my own. Taking care of myself, living my life, doing whatever I wished to do. But then she came out of nowhere, walked and fought on my side, and everything changed. I changed. I let my heart open up for her. I fell for her, her charm, her character and her beauty. Now I regret it so much. Because, there's no use to try and think differently, I need her in my life. I can't live without her. And every day, those hallucinations remind me that, no matter how happy and fine I pretend to be, I'm not. There's a hole in me that only she can fill.

I sigh, and reach for the bottle of milk on the cupboard. I pick up a glass and sit at the kitchen table, about to enjoy my drink, when I see it. I'm focused on the glass in front of me, but I can see it in the corner of my eyes. Her hands, crossed on the table. The particular skin tone, the bracelets, the scar. There can be no doubt. Not again, I think bitterly, pouring the milk in my glass, being careful not to lift my eyes and look directly at her. I can't look at her, she's not there, I try to convince myself. But it doesn't work. The hands don't disappear. I close my eyes, praying that she'll leave soon. I count to ten under my breath, my fingers clenched on the glass. It's not working. The hands are still there. And I can almost feel her presence. What did I do to deserve this? I can't… I can't live like this.

'When will you stop haunting me Fang?' I suddenly bark, unable to take it anymore. 'It's already so hard to live without you, I don't need your ghost staring at me whenever I eat, drink, sleep or walk in the street. Maybe you do this on purpose from your comfortable crystal bed, maybe you think this helps me not forget about you, maybe you think this is a way to make me feel better. Well it doesn't. It's creepy and it scares me and it doesn't help me at all. Plus, it's not like I could ever forget about the freaking Pulsian who stole my heart, yeah, so really, it's no use hurting me like this all the time. Yes, you know it hurts me, you see me crying, and it feels like you're mocking me. Because you just come here, make me feel like shit when you know there's nothing you can do about it, because hey, you're not there, and I really think you want me to hurt, because you know I hurt when I see you and yet you just keep coming back.'

At this point, I know what I'm saying doesn't make sense – and that I'm talking to someone who's not there – but I keep talking, feeling tears gathering in my eyes, blurring my sight. Somehow, I just need to get it all out. I've had too much already.

'I want you to hold me,' I cry, 'and I want you to be with me, but that's just not possible and you know it. So please, stay away from me, and stop sneaking behind my back all the time, because I'm going crazy. I'm tired; I'm so tired of this. Please, I'm begging you, next time you come here, be real.'

'So should I just walk out the door and come back later?'

Before I can realize it, the glass in my hands shatters into thousands of pieces falling loudly on the floor. My palms are covered in blood, heavy pearls dropping on the kitchen tiles, a shiny trail making its way on the table. I just stare a wide-eyed at the mess I've just made, unable to believe my ears. I can't lift my eyes. She's not there. She can't be.

'You're one fine bitch,' I whisper, pressing my hands against my lap to try and stop the bleeding. 'As if seeing you weren't enough…'

I listen carefully, both hoping for and dreading the fact that an answer might come. Not a word. Not a sound. Nothing. Great. No, not great. I'm seeing and hearing things, I talk when I'm alone. It's not great. I'm losing my sanity. I bury my face in my arms, and cry. Because crying is the only thing left for me. That's the only thing I can do. I cry, and I cry, and I cry… And when I become aware that her hand is not on my shoulder, that she's not beside me to wipe my tears, I realize that it really was my imagination. Once again. And I cry harder, louder. I'm not even conscious of what I'm doing. I kneel on the floor and start picking up the pieces of the broken glass with my bloodied hands, as if cleaning up is the only thing that helps me keeping in touch with reality. I don't even bother with being careful, and I end up cutting my fingers even more. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. But then, I feel warm fingers catching my hand as I reach for the last piece. It's too late before I can stop myself. I look up, and I'm suddenly face to face with her, inches apart. I draw back with a shriek, my head banging painfully on the fridge. It's the last straw. That's it, it's too much. I can't take it. I jump to my feet and ran toward her with a roar, raising my fingers gathered into a tight fist. I punch her in the face, blinded by tears, and feel the madness fill my veins. I keep hitting her, over and over again, wanting to get rid of that fucked up mirage. Be gone, be gone, be gone…

'STOP HARRASSING ME!' I scream at the top of my lungs, grabbing her by the hem of her sari.

I push her against the wall, and kick, and punch, because I'm scared, hopeless, and truly going crazy. I feel her nose break under my knuckles, and a wave of hot blood flows over my fist. And yet, she doesn't move. Why would she, she's not real. She just remains still, her arms dangling stupidly on her sides. Why won't you just leave me alone? I close my eyes, unable to stand looking at her face covered with bruises and deep cuts. I'm the one doing this. It can't be. I'm the one doing this. I'm hurting her. But she hurts me too. I burst into sobs. I would have thought it would have weakened me, but it does the contrary. I feel a new energy run in my muscles, and each punch, each kick keeps getting stronger. For long minutes, I throw my fists and my feet at her, with the irrepressible need to make her feel the pain I feel. For long minutes, I can't stop beating her. I have never felt this angry and resentful. I didn't know it could be so exhilarating to feel this mad at a vision. Because that's what she is. A vision. A vivid image of the one I love, but an illusion nonetheless. I start feeling tired when I realize that, in the end, doing this is of no use. It's useless. And I'm useless. My eyes open slowly, the eyelids heavy, and I start laughing. Oh, not a happy laugh. The kind of laugh that makes people shiver. I find myself in front of the wall. There's my blood splattered all over it and it's a bit damaged. But no sign of her. She's finally gone. Good. I slide against the wall and bring my knees toward my chest. I can't live like this anymore. I need to do something about it. I let myself fall on the floor and curl up on my side, trying to ignore the pain in my hands and the ache in my heart. And I fall asleep, in the middle of a puddle of milk and blood.

The next morning, I wake up in my bed. And I see her. Again.