Okay… here is it. As always, thank you so much for R&R, and thank you especially riowolf, mi guard, Annic and CBloom2 for always encouraging me. I've longed to write this chapter ever since I started this story, and now – well, I just start writing so I can't tell you how it's going to be. There might be similarities to Annic's Cant wake up from this – Part II (lol), since it's dealing with the same plot. Kind of. Sorry. The funeral's rites are Austrian, since I don't know how an American funeral works – I hope you're not too irritated. From now on everything in italic is a flashback (or thoughts, if it's only one line – you'll get it).

Erin
When she woke up that day Erin promised herself not to cry. She stood in front of the bedroom mirror, taking in the picture of a woman in black. Poor old girl, fighting for the law, spending her day hairsplitting and chitchatting with defenders. Negotiations, that was what her life consisted of. Much talking for not much to be done. Was that all of it?
It were moments like these when Erin realized that the only real thing in her life was the people around her. Her family.
And now she had to bury her little brother. Again.
Erin clasped the frame of the mirror, looking for a halt. Again -

Jamie stumbled, and immediately Erin's hand shot forward, steadying him. She rested it there at his arm till he turned around. "Just wet grass, I'm okay." "Sure." She pulled back, understanding his need to stand alone yet needing his warmth so much. The queue got shorter every minute. Soon it would be their turn to pass Joe's grave and say their last goodbye before the tomb was brought down, covered with the blue of the NYPD.
Suddenly Jamie turned around. His eyes were so filled with grief it made her shiver. How were they supposed to live through so much pain? How should they ever get over…
"Joe", Jamie whispered hoarsely, and Erin nodded, her throat blocked with tears. Unable to speak she put her hand on Jamie's arm, to remind him that she was here, to remind herself that he, at least, was really here, too.
"I love you, Erin" Jamie said, fear glowing up in his eyes now, "you know that, don't…"
"Yes, I do!" Fiercely and desperate she hugged her little brother. "And I love you too, Jamie. I love you." They held each other tightly, both trying and failing to substitute the one they had just lost, both afraid they might lose the other one, too. Both knowing they wouldn't survive getting torn apart.
After some moments, however, Jamie forced himself to calm down. His grip was less desperate now, yet more protective as he pulled Nicky into the embrace, too. Nicky dropped right into her uncle's arms, sobbing, and he held both of them steadily upright, allowing Erin to calm down finally, too. Gently she put her arm round her daughter's shoulder and pulled back from Jamie to look into his eyes. "Thank you" she whispered with what could be a smile if it wasn't for today, but Jamie just shook his head. His face, so familiar through the years, had changed with all the pain, yet still she knew him so well. Knew him from the way he looked at her. From the way Nicky wouldn't let go of his hand, and he held hers firmly, protecting her. Her strong, brave little brother.

"I love you" Erin said, eyes closed, fingers still clawed around the wooden frame. Her hands hurt, but not enough to deafen the pleading of her heart. She needed this pain to end. It took too much energy from her, living with her brothers being dead, carrying them with her everywhere she went.

"Mom?" Nicky peeked into the room. She was beautiful.
Erin took a deep breath. Just one more day. That was what she had promised herself when her mother had died, when Joe had died, and now… Just one more day. One more of being strong and act like your heart wasn't broken.
"I love you, Nicky" she said, the safest and truest thing she could think of to say right now.
Nicky burst into tears. "I love you too, mom!" She huddled against her mother, crying in her arms like she hadn't done for a long time.

Frank & Henry
He woke up before dawn and made some coffee. Or – he wanted to make some, but Henry was already up in the kitchen, obviously busying his hands. The two men didn't speak, didn't even look at each other. This was not supposed to happen. They both had agreed about that, the last time they had sat there at half past four in the morning after a night with too bad dreams. And the worst of all that you couldn't wake up from.

"What am I gonna do, dad? They say I'm to lay my son into a grave and have him waiting for me in heaven. That's not God's will. And it neither is mine."
Henry stared into his coffee, saying nothing. In all his life he had never felt so helpless. It had hurt to see his wife die – it still hurt. And having his own son to suffer the same loss was something no father wanted to see. Henry knew that Frank was only just healing from losing Mary, he knew the path his son was walking on.
But losing a child? He had no idea about that, and he thanked God for it – especially now, everyday since Danny had carried his little brother home.
Home. Was that God's will? Did God even care? Henry knew he shouldn't think like that, that was the same cynicism that had cost him his job.
At this he almost laughed. The job. God knew, they were all ready to die for their city. Serving your city, give your life for the people, that was all it came to in the end. And never, till that day, he had complained.

Frank hadn't touched his coffee yet. "I was ready to die, pops" he said tonelessly, "when Mary died I was ready to follow her. But I stayed. I stayed for the family. I stayed for the people of New York City. To protect them. To save them from…" He faltered, and the cup reeled to the side. Henry walked over to his son and quickly took it out of his numb hands, put it onto the table as if Frank was still a child.
Frank wiped over his face. "I couldn't even save my own son", he murmured, every word stabbing him with pain. Henry couldn't bear looking into his son's eyes. "Frank…"
"Joe didn't need to be saved. He was right where he was meant to be. It was the bullet flying the wrong way, not Joe being anywhere he shouldn't!"
The adults turned to the door Jamie had just opened, pale as death but his face open and mild and honest. Henry sighed with relief at his grandson's arrival. It took no further words, no explanations. Jamie said what he felt, and he said it not to hurt but to heal.
Frank looked at his youngest son from over the table and Henry could almost see Jamie's eyes sink in. Finally the Police Commissioner started to shiver. What Henry couldn't do Jamie had made: Frank cried, face buried in his hands, and as Jamie walked over to him and hugged him, he opened up and held his son close, clinging to him for dear life. Jamie shook with sobbing, too, and as he saw the two men crying even Henry couldn't help but start weeping, too.
This wasn't fair. No father should have to bury his son.

"What am I supposed to do, dad?" Frank stared out of the window absently. Henry didn't even look up from his cup. There were no words. And there was no Jamie who could keep Frank from breaking down. Both men shook violently with rage at their own helplessness, at the world, at God and death and everything that had led them so far.
This time it was Frank who pulled the cup out of his father's hands after a while. Their eyes met briefly but could find no solace in each other.
As Frank poured the coffee into the basin he felt bitterness rise inside him. How came the old ones were still alive and the young ones died? How came Jamie – his sweet little boy who had just sat on his lap, listening to old stories – was to be laid to rest now? What had he done to deserve resting? He was only twenty-six. It shouldn't be him out there.
"Frank…"
"Don't, pop. Don't try being my son." He couldn't find the strength to regret his harsh words.

Henry sighed. "If you knew how much I wish to be him" he said, with a passion and love that was seldom heard of him, "if you knew how much I wish Jamie to be here, and me into the grave instead! I'd do anything to have him back with us, Francis, anything! If only… if only…" He buried his face in his hands and wept silently. "I want him back", he murmured, "I want my grandson back!"

"So do I." Frank closed his eyes as fresh tears bit into them.
"Pop, in all those years at the police, I… I never regretted joining it. It was hard, it was… but I was ready. I was ready to fight the wars coming up to me, and I was ready to sacrifice what was necessary. But not… not…" His voice collapsed in grief.

Henry stood up, grim solemnity on his face. "Not your son" he said loudly, frantic with all the desperation that hung in the room.
"We swear to protect the city with our lives, with out bodies and mind, but not with our heart!" He was shouting now, shaking, his face pale as Jamie's had been.
"We give the city everything it asks for, we bleed for it, we fight for it, we waste time of our life for it, but we're not to sacrifice our children! Who on earth ordered that? What do you want?" He fell silent as suddenly as he had shouted and sat down again, still shivering. For a moment Frank's heart was gripped by an icy hand as Henry clutched his chest right over his own heart.
Should he lose his father now, too?

But Henry regained his breath, and time went on. They still had four hours left till Danny and Erin would come. Four hours till he would have to leave his son alone in a dark cold grave.
Frank's heart beat normally again, and it hurt. With every movement it hurt, and it spoke. Jamie it said. My son. My baby boy. Come and help out of this. Come and help me get over you.

Danny
Danny hadn't slept at all. The night before the funeral he had kissed his sons and wife goodnight and left. Linda tried to hold him back, but only once. Her own heart was so filled with grief that she couldn't fight against her husband's.

Danny walked through New York city and tried to get home. This wasn't the city he knew anymore, the city he could live in. Something had changed, and now the mere look of the streets hurt. So damn much that he had to stop and lean against a wall.
Nobody paid attention to him.
I'm alive, I'm a cop, I'm fighting for you! Don't you see me?
The world was still turning. That was what made it so hard to breathe for Danny. People moved on. They probably didn't even know what had happened. Jamie could live or be dead, and it didn't make any difference to them.
Danny cried. He cried as he wandered through the streets like a stranger, like a shadow, for who was he? He was Jamie's brother. He was Jamie's older brother, it had been his job to protect him. And if people didn't think about Jamie, how could they ever think about him?

He should have protected Jamie. As he reached the street where the world had ended Danny broke down. He cried so hard he couldn't breathe.
"I should've died here" he whispered to the cold pavement underneath him, "I should've died for you! I wanted to die for you. I would. I would anytime, kid. Why couldn't you just stay back?" His voice was weak and thin, frail as Jamie had been when he was born. When Danny had held him in his arms for the first time and promised he would take care of him.

A heartbeat. That was all it took for Daniel Henry Reagan to forget math and school and his parents. All it took to raise a sense of protection in him, stronger than with Joe. Stronger than even with Erin. When they were born, Danny hadn't been able to do much to protect them.
Now it was different. He would be an adult when Jamie would go to school. He was old enough now to protect his baby brother – and he would.
A heartbeat to be charmed by Jamie's big brown eyes. Eyes that looked like his own, he realized, just somewhat better.

Danny didn't smile at Jamie as he held him. But he prayed, silently. He prayed for Jamie to be happy and healthy, no matter what he'd have to do for it. It was the same prayer he said every night for his family, and God had not always fulfilled his wishes.

Danny closed his eyes in the pale moonlight, forcing himself to stay in that happy realm of childhood. He wanted to stay there. He wanted Jamie to be a kid, he wanted him to go on telling jokes and smiling at Mrs. Morris so she would make them cookies, he wanted him to go doing trick-or-treat again, even if that meant he had to dress as Supergirl again.

But the tears wouldn't stop, and Danny sobbed loudly at the happy memories got washed away by time. All those years, every moment with his little brother. He hadn't always been nice to Jamie, he was so jealous sometimes. And he was so scared. So scared that one day he would be useless to the kid, so scared that one day Jamie wouldn't want him in his life anymore.

And even this, Danny would have managed to survive somehow. As long as Jamie was okay.

They sat on the stairs of the porch, not touching but very close. It was one year since Joe had died. They had eaten together and visited their brother at the cemetery, and all of the had cried. Now it was evening, and Erin had already left with Nicky. It was school tomorrow, and life went on. It had to, for heaven's sake, Danny was a father and even if the thought of waking up to another day without his mom or his little brother – his sons deserved a wonderful life. It was for them that Danny had learned to keep on living, and to try and find beauty in the world again.
And he knew he would have to leave now, too – time didn't yet matter to Sean but Jack was in school already.

Still Danny couldn't bring himself to leave. He couldn't. He needed to stay with Jamie, even if they were just sitting here silently.

"Danny? Please!" Linda understood that he didn't want to leave. What she didn't understand, though, was that right now he couldn't.
"I can't." He turned around to look at his beautiful wife, tears in his eyes. "I can't, baby."
Linda was at his side immediately, wrapping her arms around his head. "Danny! Okay." She quickly nodded, tears in her eyes now, too. "Okay, it's fine, I'll bring the boys home and then I come and get you, alright?" Danny nodded. "Thank you."
"It's okay. I love you." She kissed him, then put a hand on Jamie's shoulder and left.

Jamie looked after her till she entered the house, then he turned to Danny.
"Are you okay?" He was uncertain – normally it was Danny comforting him. If ever.
"What? Yeah, yeah I'm good." Danny took a deep breath and managed a smile. It was okay. Jamie was still right beside him, he wouldn't leave him.
"Sure? You're not angry anymore because I…"
"Oh, screw the test, kid!" Danny shook his head, frustrated. "You're a better shooter than I. What do you expect from me, drowning myself in the next canal? Joe was better, too."
"Was he?" Jamie's voice was strained now. Speaking of Joe still was hard for him. Danny looked at the younger in concern. He hated to see his little brother suffer. Jamie shouldn't even know what pain was, and it was Danny's job to make sure of that. Yet at the age of not even twenty-three the kid already lost his mother and one brother. And still he was eager to do good and help people.
"Yes he was. But you're better even than him. You're gonna be the best cop in our family history, kid. If you make it through the rest of academy." He had wanted to say it light-hearted to cheer Jamie up a bit, but it obviously hadn't worked.
Jamie shivered, trying to pull himself together. "I didn't mean to be better."
"Why now? Jamie, that's the best hit rate I've ever seen! Be proud of you, come on!"
Jamie shook his head, a single tear rolling down his face. Danny sighed. "Why? What's wrong about that now?" Now he was angry. What good did it to tell someone he was great if he just denied it?

"I didn't… I didn't want to be better than Joe." Jamie's voice was barely audible. "I never wanted to."
"Kid, there's nothing wrong with being good." Danny's expression softened. "Joe'd be proud of you. Of the cop you'd become."
"But he was better than I will be!" Jamie cried out. "I did this to honor my brother, not to be better than him, I'm not supposed to be better!" He jumped up. "If it wasn't for him I'd follow mom's advice and be a lawyer, you know that! I'm not supposed to be here, Danny! I'm not here to replace Joe!" He stormed away, leaving Danny behind. Not for long.

"Hey." He found the younger one leaning at the trunk of a willow at the far border of the garden and sat down beside him, like they had on the porch.
For a long time neither of them spoke. Jamie cried silently, and the mixture of pain, guilt and confusion on his face broke Danny's heart. He wanted to protect his baby brother, but could he help him if he felt so helpless himself?
"I'm sorry." Jamie kept looking at the horizon as he spoke. Danny smiled. He simply wasn't good at starting conversations, that would always be Jamie's job.
"No need, kid." He took a deep breath. "I miss him, too."
Jamie clenched his teeth and nodded. A surge of pride washed through Danny as he saw his brother fighting for composure. Jamie was strong, stronger than him.
"I wanted to honor him" the younger one repeated, "and now I feel like I've betrayed him." He looked at Danny. "That's Harvard-logic, isn't it?"
Danny smiled gently. "A bit. But that's okay."
He put his arm round Jamie's shoulders and pulled him close, forcing Jamie to look into his eyes. "Joe would be proud if he saw how good you were, Jamie, you hear me? You're honoring him. Don't you ever think again you have to be sorry for being yourself!"
"I didn't…"
"Yes, you did. And may just stop doing it because I see right through you." Danny tried to sound confident, but deep inside he was filled with fear. He couldn't lose another brother!

"Jamie, no matter what happened to Joe, or what might happen to dad or me or anyone else in the world" he said very earnestly, "this is your life. Any you deserve to live it the way you want to live it, no matter what people think. Understood?" He waited for Jamie to nod obediently.
"Good. Because your life is what matters, Jamie. Your life" his voice croaked as Danny felt tears rising in his eyes, "Your life is one of the most important things of the world, you hear me? You hear me, kid?"
Jamie nodded again, and Danny tried to calm down. "Good. Good." His arm slid off Jamie's shoulders and the younger one shuddered. "Thank you", he whispered, not sure what to say.
"Anytime" Danny said calmly, not meeting Jamie's eyes. They stared at the horizon again.

"Kid?" Danny took a deep breath. "You know I love you, right?"
"I… I, yes…"
"Because I do." Almost angry Danny turned to Jamie again, but the rush of anger disappeared as he saw his brother's gently face. "You're my brother, Jamie. And if you weren't, I couldn't be prouder of you. You're a great man, kid. Don't take me too seriously when I'm playing badass." He was very earnest now. "I have to. I have to be strict with you, kid, because I have to protect you. I can't lose you, little brother." He still held Jamie's glance, the tension between the brothers building up.

Jamie swallowed. "I love you, too, Danny. Thanks for being there for me."
"Anytime." Danny stood up and offered Jamie a hand. "That's my job. I'm your brother, I'm here to protect you. And you know you can come whenever you need me, right? No matter what it is. I'm here. I'm right here for you, Jamie, you know that!"

Jamie nodded quickly, so deeply stirred that he didn't quite trusted his voice. The tears started to fall down his cheeks, but for once Danny didn't joke about it. He waited for Jamie to pull himself together again, and then he turned around. "Let's go back, shall we? It's late. I gotta go home before Linda kills me."
It wasn't long before he heard Jamie following. "I'll drive you home."
"Nah, you don't have to."
"Yes I do" Jamie said, with that sincerity that nobody could fight with. "I have to because I'm your little brother and I'm not gonna lose you, Danny. Never. I won't let it happen."

As they reached the house Jamie got out of the car as well. Danny took him in, smiling. God had taken much from him, yet he had given him much. Seeing Jamie becoming a cop, a detective probably, Sydney's husband and a father… that was almost worth the pain.
"Thank for the ride, kid."
"Anytime." For a moment Jamie stood next to his brother, indecisively. Then he hugged Danny fiercely, and Danny held him close, feeling him shivering and calming down in his arms.
"I need you, kid. Take care of yourself, right?"
"Will do." Jamie took a deep breath before they parted. "You too, Danny. You're my big brother. I..." He looked down, still wondering how tonight things were said he never had thought speakable "I can't imagine living without you."
"Well, then I better make sure you won't have to!"

Danny laughed. He had kept his promise, hadn't he? Jamie would never have to live without him. It was him who had to live without his brother.
"Jamie" Danny whispered the name into the cold dark night. "Why did you do that? Why couldn't I take that bullet for you?" He looked around, but there was no one to be found, no one who'd turn the wheel of time back to make Danny and Jamie switch positions. Jamie was gone.

bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb-bb

Erin had promised herself not to cry, and she stayed true to that promise. Until she saw Danny emerging the car, and the helpless grief in his eyes.
It was then that Erin broke down crying, panting at the realization that she would never heal, that it would never again be okay, that it would never, never stop…
"It's okay, it's okay, Erin, I got you. I got you." Danny held his little sister in his arms, hardly less distraught than she was. They both held each other upright as the family gathered in the living room, never leaving each other's side. It was only the two of them now, and they would not let go of the other, they couldn't because if they did the world would burst.

"Mom! Mom, it's dad!" Nicky could no longer part between good and bad news, it all went down in that rush of pain that was the knowledge of uncle Jamie's death. She loved him, he was her favorite uncle, he understood her and if he didn't, at least he was honest enough to say it. She had trusted him with everything, and he had always been there for her, always, even when he'd been busy up to the nose. He had always made sure she knew that she was important, and that she would never be alone. And now he was dead and she would never see or hug him or talk to him again.
But dad – here – was that good or bad? Did he miss Jamie, too? Could he take the pain away? Sobbing she flew into her father's waiting arms.

Erin saw her ex-husband, and the first thing she felt was sympathy. Sympathy and gratefulness, and pride. Jack had loved Jamie. Everyone loved Jamie. There was no one, no one attending this funeral that had not felt the need to come from deep inside. She smiled at her daughter's father, something she hadn't done in two years. It was for Jamie. All for Jamie.

He couldn't take the pain away. Nicky knew it as soon as Jack hugged her. She loved him, and she was thankful he was there, but he couldn't replace her uncle. Nothing could. The girl cried harder, feeling all alone. She wanted to go home! What were they doing on that goddamn cemetery?

"Nicky!" Jack and Sean stood at her side suddenly, Sean crying, Jack right at the edge. Both boys were still too confused from all the grief and death around them. They would take more time to realize what it was to live without uncle Jamie for the rest of their lives – about ninety long years.

"Let's go to grandpa. I guess he needs us", Jack said bravely. "Yes, we gotta show him we won't ever forget uncle Jamie", Sean added.
Nicky smiled in tears. She bent down and hugged her cousins. "You're the best nephews he could have had!"
"Really?" Sean's face lit up. Nick nodded earnestly. "Really, Sean. Let's go be there for grandpa." She nodded back at her dad who understood, then took her cousins' hands and made her way over to her family.

Frank stood in front of Jamie's tomb, but he didn't see it. Before his eyes he saw Jamie, telling him was becoming a cop. Asking him for the ring. Laughing and playing with his nephews. Being the only one Henry ever allowed to help him.

There were no tears anymore to be cried. Frank stood at the edge and felt his son's presence everywhere. The sun came out after all, it's rays shining onto Betty's and Mary's and Joe's grave. He looked up and saw Renzulli, just like yesterday. The sergeant held a bunch of peonies in his hands, shivering in his hands. Yet as he realized Frank looking at him Renzulli held the glance, his eyes filled with sadness and respect, and gratefulness. Frank swallowed and nodded, then let his eyes wander over the other guests. Many police officers, of course, high ranked and rookies. He saw Maria the sniper and Timothy from Harvard, Baker and Jackie standing next to each other, Jack behind them, and a woman that must be Yolanda Gonsalves.
The mayor had wanted to come, too, but Frank had asked him not to. This was his little son's goodbye, and he wanted nobody involved that didn't know Jamie in some point of his life.

And they all had. Frank saw it in the way people looked at the tomb in front of him. All those people who had met Jamie Reagan had been touched by his kindness, and it had changed them, if just for a moment. He looked back and saw his family closing in. Linda supported Henry, sobbing into his shoulder, while Danny and Erin still held each other. Behind them stood Nicky and the boys, holding hands.

Despite his tears, Frank smiled. Once again he saw his son alive, standing right in front of him. Smiling. Jamie had fulfilled his duty. He was a good cop. He was a good son. A good brother. A good man.

Erin and Danny came closer and parted only to take Frank's hands, and they knelt down together in front of a symbol – a wooden box that hid a beloved face from them. The man behind it, though, was still near and Frank knew that Jamie would never fade, never really leave the family.
The others moved closer now, Linda kneeling down beside Danny, Henry leaning against his son. Nicky didn't let go of her cousins as she sat down in front of them all, around the tomb.
Frank took a deep breath. "In days like these, there's nothing as important as realizing what you have." He looked up at the crowd again, addressing everybody, "we all have been blessed to have Jamie in our lives. Whether it was for a day or a year… or even for the only twenty-six years he had to live…" He broke off. Linda put her hand on his shoulder.
"Today I want you to remember what my son was for you. I want you to remember the man that he was, the mistakes he made, and most of all the joy this little boy could bring into the world." He shivered, but he was determined to finish this. His children nodded in encouragement.
"When I woke up today I wondered how I would get to come here. How it could be that my legs still work when my heart is broken. Well, I did it because I had to. I did it for my son. I did it because I know that everyone of you meant something to him. I know that he wished the best for you. And I believe that he is with us now, watching us, probably. Wanting us to go on. To keep doing what he did. Fighting. Fighting with the power of justice, and of love and understanding for a better world. And I will fight, son. I promise. I will not disappoint you. I love you. I will always love you. And I will always, with every beat of my heart, carry you with me. And hopefully I will bring this world half as much love and joy that you brought me. And I ask everyone of you to do the same. To keep fighting with me. And to make this world the place that Jamie wanted it to be."

He fell silent, though there was still so much to say. Erin closed her eyes, taking in the sobbing and clapping of the guests.
"He held us together", she whispered.

"No", Danny said. He took Erin's hand in his again. "He still does." He looked up into the sky, then at the tomb. "And you'll always do, kid."