Chapter 19, Love Me

This chapter happens at the same time as chapters 1 and 2 of Take This Heart.

The following Thursday was Bella's first day of school. I drove her the short distance, and as she was getting out I asked, "Are you going to be okay, today?"

Smiling at me she answered, "Yeah Dad, I'll be fine."

Just before she reached the door she turned and waved to me. Seeing she was safely in the school I pulled the cruiser out of the parking lot and headed towards the station. Work was uneventful; I kept finding myself thinking about Bella and hoping that she was doing well and adjusting to the school. I knew she would do fine with the teachers and her school work. I just didn't know how well she would fit in, or if she would be able to make friends.

When I got home from work, Bella was setting the table for dinner. When she did things like this, it made me wonder how I could ever hurt her. She looked up as I entered the kitchen. "Perfect timing, dinner's ready." As I sat down I told her dinner looked great. After an awkward pause I asked her how school went.

"School was okay," she said between bites of food.

"Anybody I need to 'accidentally' shoot?"

"No Dad," she said smiling. "Not yet anyway."

Chuckling I went back to eating dinner. Having Bella around was great; it felt nice to have somebody to care for, and someone who cared for me. I hadn't felt like somebody loved me in a very long time. Later that night, as I lay in bed alone with my thoughts, I tried to think of the last time I had felt loved.

My thoughts drifted to Nikki; I knew that wasn't love. The relationship with Nikki had just been about sex, not emotional attachment. I thought about the few dates I'd had since I had separated from Renée. I hadn't dated anyone long enough to build an emotional relationship. Thinking back to Renée, I realized she didn't love me. She seemed to be addicted to relationships and men. She would get men any way she could. Then the addiction caused her to stay in a relationship until she had another one set up. She hadn't had another relationship set up back then, which was why she'd stayed with me even after I hurt her. My mistreatment of her had been the same as my father's mistreatment of my mother and me. Father hadn't been a good role model for me. Often, when I needed to rationalize hurting Bella, I would use my upbringing as an excuse.

My thoughts turned to the women I had dated before Renée. The two girlfriends I'd had cared for me, but when they started to get close to me I would purposefully fuck it up. I would push them away acting very distant, until they would finally break up with me. This brought my thoughts to my mother and father. I knew I loved them, and remembering that feeling brought a slight smile to my face, but it also reminded me of the confusion they inspired in me. I never knew for sure if they loved me. Feeling tears welling up in my eyes, I frantically thought around to anybody else who might have loved me. The only person I could think of was Billy. Billy was a close friend, but that wasn't the kind of love I was looking for. I turned my head into my pillow and allowed a few tears to fall and soak into the fabric. I fought back the tears and got up to have a beer to help dull the pain.

Before going down the stairs I peeked in on Bella, who was already asleep. I crept silently into her room and approached her bed. She looked so peaceful and content while she slept. The tears started rising again as I stood over her, and this time I didn't fight them back. I wept silently, just watching her sleep for about five minutes. She stirred in her sleep; I didn't want her to see me crying.

Stop that crying. What are you, a girl? I heard my father's voice say.

Silently, I left Bella's room, walked down the stairs, grabbed a beer out of the fridge and downed it very quickly. I had to work the following morning and knew I couldn't drink as many as I needed to truly dull the pain. I closed the fridge, went up the stairs, and lay down on my bed.

My father was waiting for me. The look in his eyes and the belt in his hand told me a beating was coming, and I turned to run from him. As I ran down the front steps I tripped and jerked myself awake.

I could feel the adrenaline running through my body that the dream had released into my blood stream. I really needed to get to sleep. I reached into my nightstand and grabbed one of the porno magazines I hadn't tossed out when Bella moved in. I needed to get to sleep, and this would help. After the self-gratification, I grabbed a few tissues from the nightstand. I cleaned myself up and managed to finally drift off to sleep.