Title: Escape Velocity

Author: The Dragoness

Notes: My sister and I have always been vaguely amused by that "This is my semi cousin Ford who shares three of the same mothers as me" comment… which is sort of what sparked this really. ^^ As a bit of a warning, I've kind of meshed random things from both the books and the drama together here… such as that that statement and Ford's nickname. That and I always imagine Zaphod with blonde hair. So sue me. XP Please review if you'd like me to continue!

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Prologue

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about the planet Betelguese 5. Despite the young prodigies and famous names who can claim Belelguese as their home planet (the most well-known of which is former Galactic president and all-around hip guy Zaphod Beeblebrox), in terms of the culture and general atmosphere of the planet, Betelguese 5 is not high on the to-visit list of most Hitchhikers. In fact, if you're looking for a goal to set for yourself, you may want to crash-land on it, spend a week there, and then see how long it takes you to decide that you must either 1) get sufficiently out of its gravitational field, or 2) gnaw your own arm off.

The whole problem has to do with the genetic makeup of the population. Humanoid in appearance as most ape-descended life forms will tell you, each Betelguesean has one father and several mothers. As a side comment, this brings about a low nativity rate, long lifespan, few inherited problems, and an absurdly abundant use of the nickname "mama's boy" in schools. But the main concern is that virtually every female on the planet is involved in at least one family relationship in order to keep the population levels stable and also to prevent a massive accumulation of inbreeding due to a limited choice of family lines.

Here it is in brief: As a result, the planet's entire female race is a population of overbearing mothers driving excessively large "family sized" ships. And as a result of the result, each consequential generation of the planet turns into a population of rebellious teenagers. And as a result of the result of the result, Betelguese 5 can often be viewed as one big dysfunctional home life.

Consequently, it is the goal of every individual over the age of six to leave the planet as soon as utterly possible. In fact, some nearby races view the above mentioned exodus as a "coming of age," a cherished time when children forcefully, or out of sheer desperation, violently (this often involves large sticks, homemade jet-propulsion rockets, and/or spiny-tailed wombats) defy their entourage of smothering mothers and strike out into the world on their own.

The Betelguesans are a remarkably independent race.

Unfortunately, what with leaving behind their families and possessions, they are also a remarkably poor one. The sole exception is those mothers remaining on the planet who keep possession of all their forgotten assets. In turn, this has caused over the past several hundred years the purchase of a mind-boggling amount of open-toed sandals, handbags, and moo-moos with a slight change to the mass and gravitational pull of the planet. But fortunately for them however, the Betelguesean youths are still able to reach their escape velocities and go hurtling off into a neighboring solar system, blasting grunge music with their towels ready at hand.