Nurse Jackie S5

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Ch 7 Some Lessons

"Quit my job, huh?" Jackie said quietly, hours later as she lay in Mike's embrace.

"Just a suggestion..." Mike murmured into the back of her neck as he spooned her, "food for thought..." Mike held her tighter and pinned her with his leg over her hip; Jackie snuggled into him and found him hard and ready for more.

"You're a machine," she said as she smiled into her pillow.

"Far from that, sweetheart," he laughed lightly.

"Oh, he's modest," Jackie said as if she were her own audience. "Well, you're damn good, how about that?"

"You can only be as good as the person you're with—and you, Jackie Peyton, inspire me to greatness."

"Oh, not so modest, after all," she giggled.

"I'm just trying to keep up with you," he said then as he slipped himself into her again and worked his slow, concentrated magic on her. Just then her cell phone rang on the night table. Jackie already knew who it was and turned back to look at Mike. "I know..." he kissed her shoulder but didn't stop stroking her.

"Really?"

"Really..." he murmured at her.

Jackie answered her phone.

"Jackie," came his angry voice over the phone.

"Kevin." Jackie managed to keep her own voice even in spite of what Mike was doing to her.

"I refuse to always be the bad cop, Jackie, but I grounded her: no phone, no laptop, no hanging out with friends for a month."

"Good—I agree with you—and when you put her on the phone I'll tell her so." Jackie could tell that he was still fuming and waited through the momentary silence for the bomb to drop; her easy agreement with him only seemed to make him angrier and could see his scowling face as surely as if was in the room with her, could feel the heat of his rage through the phone; ten uneasy seconds later he unleashed his attack upon her.

"I can't fucking believe you let Grace wait this whole rest of this week before you both told me what happened! I am so fucking fed-up with you!"

"And I'm fed-up with you and all of your self-righteous bullshit, but we have kids to take care of, Kevin," she shot back at him. Mike stopped then and just held her.

"Yeah? Well, fine fucking job you're doing. We're supposed to do these things together, Jackie..." he began furiously.

"No," she cut him off, "we're supposed to be of one accord, Kevin; we're not always going to be able to discipline them together—we don't live in the same house and Grace was angry and scared and it couldn't wait," she told him vehemently. Mike relinquished her then as she sat up in the bed.

"She should have been scared—that boy could have tried anything! When I think of all of things that could have happened—I could kill you both!" he screamed at her.

"And that right there, Kevin? That's why I had to talk to her; she was scared and it's not just because of what happened or what could have happened to her when she went out that night—she's afraid of you; she's afraid of what she saw you, do to me the other night, you bastard. You left me alone to have to explain that shit to her, Kevin, and because of that I had to do damage control—on your fucking behalf and in your defense! So that your daughter will trust you enough to ever fucking tell you anything at all!" Jackie screamed into her phone. "She has to have our trust, too, Kevin, and she's not going to have that if she thinks you're going to beat her ass—or mine—if she opens up to you! I had to talk to her without you and try to get that point across to her, so I hope you're not over there undoing all of my hard work, because if you are we're going to lose her, Kevin. Do you fucking understand me?" Jackie hissed into the phone.

Kevin was speechless on the other end of the line.

"Fucking say something!" she demanded angrily.

"I'm...I'm sorry about...the other night, Jackie," he managed his choked apology at last.

"Don't fucking tell it to me—tell it to her, Goddammit. All of this rage and anger you seem to enjoy leveling at me so much, Kevin? I can take it—and I can give it back. But I'm telling you now that you will cease and desist from displaying it at me in front of our daughters—that shit stops, Kevin, today. If you want to have any hope of not alienating our girls from you? That shit stops. Today. And If Grace has any further complaints about her punishment you call me yourself and put her on the phone with me. Now go and love our daughters like they deserve to be loved, Kevin." Jackie hung up on him.

Jackie made to get out of the bed but Mike wouldn't let her go.

"Stop it...just...just stop..." she began angrily as the tears welled up in her eyes; she tried to disengage his hand from her wrist and was unsuccessful.

"I know baby..."

"God! He makes it all so much harder than it needs to be!" she said as she threw her phone upon the bed. "He's driving me crazy and I'm so afraid that...it would just kill me if he ever...if my girls..." Jackie couldn't get the words out.

"I know, sweetheart...c'mon, try to calm down. I don't think he's that bastard, Jackie, really, I don't. You told him; you made him aware—you gave him his wake-up call. I'm pretty sure he heard you."

"I can only pray that he heard me, Mike. If he ever hurts those girls—I would never be able to forgive him. Or myself."

"What do you want to do?" he asked her softly.

"I want to talk to my daughter; I want to talk to Grace."

"Then call her, baby. She's not off limits just because she's with her father. If you're worried—and even if you're not—you have the right to call her." Mike kissed her shoulder again then got out of the bed. "I'm going down to raid your fridge and make some coffee—do you mind?"

Jackie looked up at him with a sad, sweet smile as she reached for her phone. "No, not at all. And thank you."

Mike left her with a smile on his face of his own.

It was a little while later before Jackie came down to the kitchen where she found Mike making himself another cup of coffee. She said nothing as she took his cup out of his hand and set it on the counter, then reached up to take his face into her hands and kissed him.

"Is everything alright?" he asked her, as his concern animated his furrowed brows.

"Better...things are better."

"Good...where were we?" He took her into his embrace and nuzzled into her.

"No, Mike, let's just...let's just cool it a minute, huh?" Jackie said as she wrangled out of his grasp.

"What's wrong? Did I say something wrong?"

"I just need to...I don't know, take a step back, maybe?"

"Come sit down—talk to me Jackie," he said then as he took her hand and led her to the table. They sat down and faced each other. "I can tell from the look on your face that you've had some thoughts about what I said before, huh?"

"I have some thoughts about everything. And I disagree with you—I can still work—"

"Of course you disagree with me," he cut her off angrily, which took Jackie aback. "You were a highly-functioning addict, Jackie, and you skipped a lot of steps; you feel like you're going to slip because chances are great that you will! You still don't go to AA; you don't have a sponsor—you know very well what the statistics are and you need to give yourself every advantage if you're really trying not to be one. Charlie went to the meetings, but sporadically, and he never got a sponsor, just would fucking never do it—"

"I'm not Charlie!" Jackie shouted at him then and rose up angrily from the table. "When do I get credit for being sober? For not relapsing? So much shit I have to take—from everybody—forever? If I have to say 'I'm a drug addict' one more time!" she railed at him. "Everybody fucking knows it, already; nobody lets me forget! I've been handling my shit, Mike; I said I wanted to drown in a vat of blue pills and God knows I could make it happen. But I haven't done it. I haven't done it!"

They stared each other down for a long moment before Mike rose from his seat and went to her.

"It doesn't take a whole vat, Jackie—it only takes one pill," he said quietly.

Jackie turned away from him to keep him from seeing the tears that were about to roll down her face even as she tried to steel herself against them.

Mike walked closer to her where she stood at her her sink and took her gently by her shoulders, then rested his chin on top of her head. "You can't do it all alone, Jackie," he began softly, "if there's only one thing you've learned from all of this pain, please tell me that you've learned that. You have yourself, but as tough as you are? You're not enough. You have a family who loves you; friends who love you—me. You need to go to your meetings. You need a sponsor. These are the facts, sweetheart. Look, I'm gonna go up, get dressed, go home. What I said before still stands—whenever you want to talk...not talk...beat on somebody's chest and scream—need a hug—I'm your man. Got it?"

Jackie was too overcome with emotions to speak.

"Just nod your head," he said with a smile in his voice. Jackie complied but was still unable to turn and face him. "I'll take it," he said. He kissed the top of her head and reluctantly left her. She was still standing at the sink ten minutes later when she heard her front door open and close.