The iPhone Incident

It was a normal day for Desmond Miles, well, as normal as things could get after being abducted by Abstergo, viewing his ancestors' memories, and escaping from Abstergo, but as this went, it was pretty normal.

Desmond was by himself in the assassin's hangout, just reading a magazine when he heard a noise out in the room with the Animus 2.0. He put down his magazine, and walked into the room. He looked around, and heard the Animus making weird noses. He frowned and walked over, tapping on the screen.

There was a flash of light, blinding him for a split second, then it disappeared. Desmond blinked a few times, and saw four shapes in front of him. They were dark shapes, and were...freaking out? Wait, shapes don't freak out. Something was not right.

Desmond shut his eyes, then opened them again, "Oh crap," he said, and he saw his three ancestors, Altaïr, Ezio and Connor, plus that guy with one arm (what was his name again? oh yeah...Malik), "Um...hi."

That was a mistake.

"DESMOND!" Ezio exclaimed, walking over to him and hugging him, giving him a kiss on each cheek.

Yup, definitely a mistake.

"Where are we?" Connor asked curiously, looking around at the strange environment. Meanwhile, Malik and Altaïr were yelling at each other, in Arabic so no one knew what they were saying.

"You novice! Look what you did now!"

"I did nothing!"

"GUYS!" Desmond yelled, and everyone looked at him, "Just...stay here...I'll be back in like...ten minutes top. And don't. Touch. Anything. Understood?" the four of them nodded, and Desmond grabbed his keys, then left.

The four began wandering around, examining everything in the hangout, intrigued by everything. Connor poked the couch, "IT'S SO SOFT!" he exclaimed, and jumped on it, sinking in the cushions. Altaïr rolled his eyes.

I DON'T WANNA WORK, I JUST WANNA BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY!

The four jumped, and stopped moving, the hidden blades all emerging, "What was that?" Ezio whispered, and they moved slowly towards the source of this mysterious sound.

I DON'T WANNA WORK, I JUST WANNA BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY!

"There it is again," Malik said, and they rounded a corner, peeking in.

On the counter, there was a strangely shaped rectangular object, that was black and moving on the counter (in other words, it's an iPhone). They slowly walked over to it, Ezio and Connor pushing Altaïr forward. The master assassin leaned over, and looked down at the object.

I DON'T WANNA WORK, I JUST WANNA BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY!

They jumped back, and Altaïr poked it. Soon a voice filled the room.

"Desmond? This is Rebecca."

"What...what sorcery is this?!" Altaïr yelled, "There is something trapped inside the box!"

"Desmond? You there? Listen, I forgot to tell you this when you woke up, but DO NOT TOUCH the Animus. It's on the fritz again, and I have a feel..."

SMASH! CRASH! BANG! STOMP! STAB! STAB! STAB!

Altaïr was breathing heavy, bits of the rectangular box stuck on his hidden blade. The box was know it little pieces all over the counter, "Where is the person?" Connor asked, "Are they still trapped?" The four leaned over, examining it.

"Guys why are you in th...WHAT THE HELL?!"

The four turned around, and saw Desmond. He dropped the car keys.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PHONE?!" he yelled, spotting the rectangular box all destroyed. He looked at Altaïr, "WHAT THE HELL ALTAÏR? I LEAVE YOU GUYS ALONE FOR LEGIT FIVE MINUTES AND YOU DESTROY MY PHONE?!" Altaïr said nothing, and began to pretend to pray, "THAT DOESN'T WORK IN THE REAL WORLD I CAN STILL SEE YOU MABLFSJVDJJGSKVHKAJFVABJHAFVKAJSFJHSAVFGHAVDKFJHDF D!"

"Uh...maybe we should, you know, leave?" Connor suggested quietly, and Ezio nodded.

"I'm with you on this one."

The two assassins (and Malik) quietly tiptoed out of the kitchen while Desmond continued to yell at Altaïr.

Ezio Discovers Google...and A Printer

"This is...a computer?" Ezio asked, looking up at Desmond, who nodded.

"You can use it to browse the internet, you know, check email and stuff like that," Ezio nodded, and found a capital G in the toolbar.

"What is that?" he asked, bringing the mouse up to it.

"Oh that's Google. You can look up pretty much anything, including pictures," Ezio was intrigued. He spotted a white box next to the computer.

"What is that?" he asked.

"That's a printer. You can print of pictures," Desmond explained and looked at his watch, "Well...I guess I should go let Altaïr out of the closet. His punishment is up."

(Desmond locked Altaïr in the closet for an hour as punishment for assassinating his iPhone. I mean, what would you do to punish an assassin?)

Ezio waited until Desmond left, and typed his own name into Google and clicked images. His eyes lit up when he saw all the pictures of himself, "Am...Am I really that beautiful?" he asked, overcome with joy. He looked over at the printer, and smiled, "Hmmm..."

Four Hours Later...

"We use phones to call people," Desmond said, holding the landline in his hand and showing Altaïr,Malik and Connor, "No one is trapped inside of it, don't worry. We can just hear their voices," The three each took turns holding it and examining it.

The door opened, and Rebecca, Shaun, and Lucy walked through and stopped when they saw the four people, "Oh dear..." Shaun said, face palming.

"So...that's what happens when the Animus 2.0 glitches," Rebecca said, walking over and examining the three, "Did Ezio come out too?" Desmond nodded, and Shaun walked into his office, "Where is h..."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWHATTHEHELLL?!"

Rebecca, Lucy and Desmond ran into his office, and saw Ezio sticking pictures of himself to the ceiling. The walls, the floor, the desk, the windows (pretty much any available space) was covered in pictures of Ezio. Ezio looked down at them, "Aren't they wonderful?" he said, beaming. Desmond placed his hands on the door frame and began banging his head off the door frame.

"I don't think that's healthy," Altaïr commented, and Connor and Malik nodded.