Cannot Let Go- Chapter 2

Valediction- By Seamus Heaney

Lady with the frilled blouse

And simple tartan skirt,

Since you have left the house

Its emptiness has hurt

All thought. In your presence

Time rode easy, anchored

On a smile; but absence

Rocked love's balance, unmoored

The days. They buck and bound

Across the calendar

Pitched from the quiet sound

Of your flower-tender

Voice. Need breaks on my strand;

You've gone, I am at sea.

Until you resume command

Self is in mutiny.

From the beginning of time, people, magical or not, have taken memories for granted. They never seem to appreciate them until the people in them are gone. Memories can be poignant, passionate, and full of heartache or misery and all sorts of emotions multiplied by a million, and they still aren't enough. Alec's memories of Magnus were pushing him towards the breaking point and the incessant flow of them wouldn't stop. They were driving him mad.

Alec screamed.

After what had seemed like hours, Alec shifted from his crouched position on the tracks with only one thought: I am going to kill Camille. He dried his tears, pushing away the images of Magnus that threatened to throw his very soul into mutiny. His blue eyes flickered like a gas burner's flame as only a murderous thought could produce.

Part Two

Maureen had delivered the shocking news to Alec- Camille was dead- Maureen herself, only a young vampire, had killed her. She was now the leader of the clan- as per ritual and Alexander, with his emotions still fresh, left the empty old subway tunnel once Maureen flitted away.

Where can I go? I can't face Magnus any time soon- even though he said he would be out all day.

No, not the Institute. Mom and Dad already hate me. They are still miserable and fighting over Max. Alec was struck with a jolt of pain at the mention of his dead brother. And Izzy…..Jace. What would they think? He was just as self-conscious as ever, no matter how much he denied it. He ached for the approval of his family. This disappointment would be too much to bear for them.

Unknowingly, Alec had reached the area of the City Hall station where the ceiling was vaulted and allowed light into the abandoned region. This is where he had met Camille all those times ago- to discuss Magnus, love, and relationships in general. This is where he had come to meet her one last time and refuse her offer to help him turn Magnus mortal- where Magnus had broken up with him.

He put his arms around himself and slowly began to enter the glaring sunlight of the New York winter afternoon, his feet leading him to who-knows-where…

The paved sidewalks were hard on his feet and the wind slowly freezing him in his jacket as Alexander Gideon Lightwood neared the door of Magnus' loft: which they had been sharing for some time now. Alec fished the keys out of the pocket of his pea coat, shivering, and tentatively opened the door. His feet felt detached from the rest of his body when he stepped up the familiar steps which creaked with age. At Magnus' door, Alec swiftly unlocked it, and was greeted by a blast of warm air that smelled like incense. Like Magnus.

He heard a yowling noise attempt to split his eardrums, looking down to see that his heavily booted feet were on a white tail. Not just any tail. Chairman Meow's tail. He jerked his foot up as said cat sprinted away towards its empty food bowl.

Magnus always feeds Chairman before he leaves Alec thought incredulously. Closing the door behind him, Alec walked over to the hurt feline and petted its head. The Chairman hissed at Alec and looked over to his empty bowl with an unspoken gesture. Fix this the cat seemed to say. The Shadowhunter set the keys on the kitchen counter and poured the cat some food and drink.

Alexander attempted to bring up the stamina to pack, but couldn't. For the first time in ages, he felt genuinely tired. He opened the door to his' and Magnus' bedroom and set himself on the canary yellow blanket, glancing around.

Pictures of the two of them were everywhere: of them in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, snuggling with The Chairman on the couch, one on the vanity of them kissing outside the Institute when he thought he would never see Magnus again- that one made him miserable. His eyes began to well up. Before it could go any farther, he went into the adjacent bathroom and splashed water in his red-rimmed eyes. I can't go back to the Institute like this. I cannot. Even if I could face going back there, they can't see that I've been crying. They would ask questions. Too many questions I can't answer.

Magnus said earlier that he would be out all night. I can sleep here and pack my things in the morning. Changing into black pajama bottoms, Alec turned out the lights and pulled himself under the covers. Sleep didn't come easy for him, and it came with the promise of Magnus ridded nightmares, demons of a different sort: the ones that hounded him with painful memories until he begged for mercy, their red eyes turning green-gold and their hair sparkly, their clothes blindingly polychromatic. He wanted to die.

In one of the never-ending dreams that ate at his mind, Alec found himself with a note in his hand telling him to stab an unidentified hooded form with his seraph blade. Alec was powerless in this dream- powerless from stopping himself from jabbing the blade into the shape- who emitted a loud cry of pain. Alexander lifted the hood off it, revealing a familiar face: Magnus. The dream twisted in its blackness in and out of focus until it spotlighted on a scene: Magnus and Alec kissing passionately, always trying to get closer, to entwine themselves further, and some force consequently forced them apart.

Alec rolled in the sheets, screaming in agony, still within his dream.

"Alec."

Who belonged to this glorious voice? Alec wanted to know, yet he was still far too deep in the currents of his dream to wake.

"Alec." He felt a hand on his shoulder and jerked upright.

"Magnus?"

Author's Note: Aww, it's a cliffy! Sorry my first reviewer, they're not ready to make up just yet. There has to be angst before fluff, and the next chapter will be unpredictable. Thanks for the support!