Author's Note: This is my first FanFiction, and I seriously hope you guys enjoy! Feedback is always welcome- comments are the food of life. Are there any fellow Malec shippers out there? Let us unite and bring Malec back together in City of Heavenly Fire! Angst is always fun to write, but if my readers like this chapter, fluff may ensue. I'll be damned before I let Cassie Clare ruin our otp! I still love her though.

Disclaimer: As much fun as owning the Mortal Instruments would be… it's all Cassandra Clare's.

Cannot Let Go- Chapter 1

Alec Lightwood couldn't believe what was transpiring. Unlike his typical self, he was nearly begging on his knees on the unused tracks of the abandoned subway station; "Magnus! Please… Don't! Don't you dare go! It's not what you think-"

The beginnings of hot tears pricked those beautiful blue eyes that Magnus loved, no matter how hard said Shadowhunter tried to suppress them, as he had his entire life. Alec Lightwood doesn't cry. But one day he had to. Simultaneously- his reserves came crashing down with a choked sob and his warlock, Magnus, paused in his act of walking away. Fighting for control of his body, Alec knelt down in the exact spot where his longtime boyfriend had just broke up with him and told him to pack his clothes at their apartment and leave his key on the table.

Magnus won't let me explain. The only reason I wanted to meet Camille here at this subway station is that I want him to be mortal and live with me or make me immortal, at least, so we can live without fear of her ruining everything because she's Magnus' ex. She's the only one I can talk to, the only one who had once loved Magnus besides me who's alive now and knows how to navigate loving him. He was struck with a wave of self-loathing at how selfish he sounded.

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood." Magnus turned around with a grim, strained voice. Holding back tears too Alec observed, but he sounds so emotionless, reserved. I've never heard him mad like this.

"Please. I love you so much. I'll do anything. Just don't leave me. Let me explain...-" The mature Shadowhunter was now sobbing unreservedly; he felt as if the world was crashing down upon him.

"I don't want to leave you. Trust me. You don't need to explain, I know you want me to be mortal with you; I would do anything to grow old and die with you in my arms: but this is unacceptable. You cannot try to shorten my life.

"*I'm tired of being your pet warlock and you and your friends using me solely for my magic. I don't like you conspiring against me, no matter how good your intentions are. " His looking back at his sobbing lover was his undoing; he crossed the distance between them to grab his boyfriend's chin in his hand and gently wipe Alec's tear away with his thumb.

"I love you too. I love you oh so much that I want to end this before either of us gets hurt." A single tear fell from Magnus' gold-green cat eye. "I need you to tell me something, Alexander Lightwood. Please tell me that you will live without me. That you'll move on."

Alec was astounded when he said that. Angry even. He felt rage surge through himself, but kept it slightly under the surface- he was crying, after all. "I…I can't promise that, Magnus. You're the only one…The one man who makes me feel…Special. Loved. Happier than I've ever been"-

"Stop. Alexander, stop. "Magnus said this softly, almost as a whimper. He looked positively miserable, and all Alec could do was resist the urge to wipe the black mascara away which was smudging his eye and kiss him with all his might.

Alec bit his lip, tasting coppery blood, and abruptly stood up, breaking out of Magnus' grasp. His anger was finally seeping through.

"Stop what? You're the one who's breaking up with me! Magnus, seeing the fury in Alec's deep blue eyes, yelled. "Dammit, Alexander, I'm trying to do what is best for us!"

"Why? Why can't you just be content with what we have and forgive me?" He was gasping, barely able to breathe or contain his salty tears.

The blue eyed man gasped when he saw just how upset Magnus was. Sparkly blue bursts of magic fire exploded out from between his clenched fingers. The fire died quickly. "Because I'm selfish! I love you! I want you all to myself and I don't want you to die and leave me! I'm afraid, Alec! But what you did was unforgivable." Magnus' tears were falling freely now. "Dammit! I love you Alexander and that will be my downfall." He crossed the small distance between them in mere seconds; Alec could see the blue glitter sequins on his jacket shimmer.

Giving him no time for second thoughts, Alec grabbed for the warlock's spiky multicolored hair and wrapped his arms around Magnus. The outspoken man with the cat eyes responded by touching his lips to his Shadowhunter's lips and pulling him closer. Slowly, but surely they kissed with all the built up passion, anger, and sadness from their conflict. Their lips were rough, yet somehow gentle against each other. Magnus made an animalistic growling noise in the back of his throat as he experienced Alec's passionate kiss that he was only beginning to respond to. Magnus used his fingers to brush his Alec's fresh tears away with lover's tenderness, madness forgotten for now.

"Alec"-

Said Shadowhunter cut his boyfriend off, tears partially dry. They held each other at arm's length. "See Magnus? See?" He said gesturing about them and their kiss. "How can you destroy this powerful a love?"

"Alexander. I see what you mean, I assure you. But this doesn't change anything, hardly. It definitely will not change the way I love you."

Backhandedly, the warlock wiped away the water in his eyes and simultaneously broke out of their embrace. With a look of underlying confliction, Magnus backed away gradually; he was still facing Alec as he did so, with his hands outstretched as if to say there's no other way to solve this.

In a resolved voice, Magnus spoke, "I don't ever want to see you again, or any of your friends. It'll be too hard. You can say goodbye to Chairman Meow when you arrive to pick up your things"-

"No. I will not let you do this. I will not- no cannot- let you go." He rushed up to Magnus, who was almost to the subway station's iron stairs.

Alec's hand, full of runes that were tattooed across his whole body, latched onto Magnus' button down black undershirt that was only a thin secondary layer of clothing covering his boyfriend's lean body. Alec was freezing: wintertime was no help to the warlock either- his skin was icy to the touch. The warlock, with immortal's strength that met its match with that of the black clad Shadowhunter, tore free of his Alexander's grip with a grunt. "You are only making this harder, Alexander. You need to let go..."

"No!" Alec's voice was firm in its resolution

"Just remember that I love you and that will never, ever change. After all, I am immortal," he pointed out bitterly. Magnus whirled around and strode into the bleak, cobwebbed blackness that was the subway tunnel-resolute in stride. "Aku cinta kamu."Magnus said without turning.

*"What does that mean?"

"It means I love you. Not that that changes anything."

This time he didn't stop.