Ready, Fire, Aim- Prologue

Dean's POV

There wasn't a lot of me left after Cas moved to California.

I wasn't sad or angry like I should have been; I was just…indifferent to life at this point. When Cas left, it was like everything I had ever wanted, everything I had ever lived for, had just vanished. I honestly didn't see anything else that should matter. I knew all of this was my fault, and I guess that's what made it so much worse.

Looking back now, five years later, I was so stupid to have believed that that one person, fucking Jordan Banks of all people, could have that much sway over my life. I had allowed that prick to have so much control over me. I'm happy to say, however, that he got his comeuppance, though. Funnily enough, it came in the form of statutory rape charges that not even his daddy's money could get him out of. Last I heard of him, he was a registered sex offender serving three years in the Douglas County Jail. Good. He deserved it. Bastard.

But as much as I wanted to blame Jordan for it all, I knew I couldn't. It was all on me. I was the one who pushed Cas away, made him feel like he wasn't good enough. I was the one who…well, I try not to think about that part. It was consensual, I knew, but it still shouldn't have happened. It was one of those instances where I was selfish and took advantage of the situation. I wanted him too much, and I didn't really consider the consequences. I realized now that that had been how I lost him. He was gone within a week. I had no idea where he had gone; he hadn't even told me that he was leaving, not that either of us really attempted to contact the other after our…interlude. Desperate, I called Sam, knowing that doing so would make me appear weak, but I didn't care, I just needed to know that he was okay. Well, with the 'okay' part being very loosely defined, just that he was alive, I guess.

Imagine my surprise upon learning that Cas was nearly two thousand miles away at the time of my call. Sam informed me that Cas had moved to California to accept an offer from Berkley. Honestly, I've never been more devastated, but I've managed to convince myself that he's better off without me. Cas would never have left if I had been there holding him back. Masking my pain as best I could, I asked Sam a few questions about his life, but he caught on. He started pulling Cas into the conversation, giving me small clues and insights into Cas' new life. It felt good just to be talking about Cas, but it hurt knowing that he sounded so happy. I started calling Sam almost daily, and eventually, my brother caught on that I just wanted to talk about Cas, smart little shit.

I had to shake it off, though. I couldn't keep torturing myself with something that I could never be a part of. Cas deserved his happiness more than anyone, and if being away from me would give him that, I could oblige, however grudging it may be. Once, in a moment of weakness, I asked Sam if Cas ever asked about me. My heart shattered when Sam said, "No," and didn't elaborate. I forced myself to move on, to shove the memories of Cas out of my mind and work on rebuilding myself for the future. It didn't go quite as planned, but it's starting to work itself out.

After dropping out of college in favor of attending a trade school, I got a job at a small auto shop on 23rd. I was there about a week before I was made head mechanic, a month before I was made manager, and a year before I took over the business. It was a good investment for me. Business had picked up under the skillful wings of my advertising major girlfriend, Lisa, and my mechanical genius, Bobby. The work was good, the money was better, and I was happy enough to get through the day without drinking. I'd call it a win/win for me.

I guess I should probably explain about Lisa.

We met in an interpersonal communications class before I dropped out. She sat in front of me, and I could smell the strawberry scent of her hair when she walked past my table. All I knew about her was that she was brunette and had a killer body, until about a week into class, that is. I had forgotten my flash drive and needed the notes on the previous lecture. I steeled my nerve and tapped her on the shoulder. That's when I discovered that she had an amazing smile and gorgeous brown eyes as well. She handed me her flash drive, and I later gave it back with my number. She called me two days later, and we've been together ever since. The best thing about Lisa was that she didn't run screaming for the hills when I told her about Cas. Not that I was completely honest with her about him, but whatever.

See, it took me a really, really long time to get over him, if I truly ever have. Even with Lisa there, I would think of him. When Lisa would touch me, her hands seemed just a bit too small, her body a bit too soft. Her mouth wasn't as hot, she was less aggressive, and for a while, I was unable to…ahem… reciprocate her advances. It wasn't until I found her crying in my bed that I was able to tell her what my problem was. I had just exited the shower, and Lisa was on the bed with her head in her hands. She had looked up at me with her soulful brown eyes, and I felt my heart clench. The last time someone had ever looked at me like that, he'd left and I'd spent the next five years pining for him. I sat down next to her and pulled her into my arms. She sobbed against my shoulder for a bit and was finally able to tell me what was bothering her after some skillful prodding on my part.

Turns out, if you can't get it up, women tended to get insecure. Who knew, right?

I had my work cut out for me convincing her that it wasn't anything she had done and that my past relationship had messed me up, bad. She was sympathetic and understanding and even shared some of her own past relationship woes. The only thing I left out was that Cas happened to be a male. I don't know what made me keep that from her, but I just did. Couldn't explain it then, and I can't explain it now. Maybe I was a bit scared that she would judge me or worse, leave, but whatever the reason, I didn't tell her, and she still doesn't know.

Oh, and of course, the fact that I was still hopelessly in love with him. I left that out too.

On the outside, we seemed so happy. But now, she was hinting at things, and I was getting scared. Four years and nine months was a really long time to be with someone and not give them any indication of what your plans for the future were. Lisa was patient, but lately, she'd taken to leaving wedding magazines out where I was sure to see them, like on my work bench or inside my tool box. She also began making these little comments of how her college friends were getting married and popping out babies. I cringed a bit just thinking about it. Lisa was great, she really was damn near perfect actually, but she just…wasn't…what I wanted. She wasn't who I wanted would probably be a more accurate statement, but I choose not to go down that road right now.

Point was, no matter who was in my life, no matter what I did, Cas would always be there, a constant reminder of my shortcomings and failures, and a symbol of everything that could have been if I had just managed to be a little braver. I know that I missed my chance with him and I would regret it for the rest of my life, but God, if there was ever a way I could start over, I'd drop everything to be with him. (Aw.)

"Dean!" Lisa's voice pulled me out of my reverie, and I sat up a little straighter as she came into the room. She was holding up two dresses in front of her. One was a bit on the conservative side and black while the other had an open back and was in navy blue. Cas had always worn blue. "Which one?" she asked, alternating the dresses in front of her. I screwed up my face, pretending that it was a hard decision. The blue one really looked the best, but all I could think about was sliding a navy sweater over strong shoulders and staring into the equally dark eyes that popped over the collar before delving in to run my lips over a stubbly jaw and tongue at the pouty petals of…

"The black one," I said hurriedly to stop my visions. Lisa looked confused for half a second then nodded and walked away. I breathed a sigh of relief.

This was going to be one hell of a long night.

Hey guys! Did you miss me? I missed you. I'll be posting chapter one here in a bit, just because the prologue is so short and also, I love you. As always, special thanks to my amazing beta Libranfate, without whom this story would have been written in crayon.