It happened again.

He had been walking through the hallway, chatting with Lala about how much homework he had to do and ran into Kotegawa. His hands had accidentally gone to her chest again, and she had slapped him.

It was an accident.

He always tried to convince himself of that, that he didn't do shameless things on purpose. He would try to say this to Kotegawa, but she never listened. She always blamed him, frowned at him, slapped him. Maybe she was right, maybe he was just one of the delinquents.

I didn't mean it.

But if he didn't mean it, why had he still not apologized? Why, after it had happened, he wanted it to happen again, to feel those mounds of softness?

It wasn't my fault.

Then why did it happen every day? And not just Kotegawa either, every other girl he knew had been violated by him at least once. He always tried to make up with them, convince them that he simply wasn't paying attention, someone tripped him, Lala's invention...

Excuses, excuses.

The list got longer every day, and he never changed anything in his behavior. In fact, he fantasized about it every day! That can't be normal, can it? Can it?

I've been deluding myself.

But that had changed. Now he knew that it was his fault all along. He was the one practically raping these innocent girls every day, and he liked it more often than not. He hated himself whenever he thought of them, especially...

Kotegawa.

He loved her, he was sure of it. Her common sense, her discipline, and even her love of cats. He had always had a soft spot for cats. But she surely hated him, and there was nothing he could do about that. She had said they were friends once, but only once, and that was just because it was a holiday where she was supposed to do that. She would never like him, so what was the point?

Drip. Drip.

Rito was in his room, sitting at his desk. One of his hands was lying wrist-up on the desk, twitching. It looked almost like a fish out of water, flopping around and pleading for either a safe return to the sea, or death, quick and easy. What pains the fish is the wait, every moment of indecision only prolongs its suffering. His wrist was bleeding in two lines, about an inch apart. In his other hand was a knife, about 8 inches, also bleeding.

Slice.

He made another cut, directly between the first two. Blood started to pour out, but to the broken Rito, it still wasn't enough. He wanted more pain, more ejection from this cruel world. When he cut, he pretended that the two first lines were him and Kotegawa, and even though it would be impossible to bring them together, to create a harmony he was sure to try even if it took his life to do so, cut by cut, incision by incision, drop by drop.

Slice.

With each incision that brought the first two together, he thought of someone whom he had violated, and dedicated the next one to them. He considered it his apology for all that he had done to them.

Slice.

Sairenji.

Slice.

Nana.

Slice.

Yami.

Stab.

But Rito was an impatient man, and it was not long before he resorted to even more pain, choosing to stab the muscle about two inches below his wrist. Blood leaked out, and still he thought of Kotegawa, of how she would hate him forever, how he didn't care anymore.

Stab.

He thought of all the times that he had made her feel embarrassed; he could recall them all in painful detail. When she was sick, that time when she didn't have panties on and the wind blew, the x-ray glasses... Too many times.

Stab!

He screamed, an animal yell as he brought the knife crashing down into the skin of his arm. It sank 3 inches, and he felt as if his arm were on fire, but he did not care. He and Pain were good friends now, and Rito welcomed him into his body.

AAAAHHH!

The door crashed open as Rito twisted the knife, sending warm blood everywhere and rupturing his muscle. He had some vague notion that someone was watching him, but pure self-savagery had taken over. He pulled the knife out and then stabbed his palm, carving a star into it. He pulled the knife out and raised it as if to slice his whole hand off but someone was restraining him, pulling the knife out of his hands.

"Stop it, Rito! Please stop!"

I know that voice.

A far off corner of his brain recognized that voice, and the sob that came with it. But his vision was too fuzzy, his thoughts too distorted that he couldn't quite make it out. All he saw was a hand with blood splattered on it, like a kid makes with paint in kindergarten. But there was one thought that came through, one that sickened him but he didn't care.

How dare she!

How dare she interrupt his punishment! And now he knew it was Kotegawa, for nobody else had hair like that, flowing black oceans that always moved perfectly with the wind. But he didn't care about that, he wanted her to leave, so that he could finish getting what he deserved for violating everybody. He didn't understand; why was she restraining him? Why didn't she want him to punish himself, to discipline himself for all of those shameless acts? Why was she getting blankets to wrap around his arm? And why couldn't he talk? He was screaming, spitting primal yells and blood at her. She was just in the way of his punishment.

She's hindering me.

He looked around for the knife; it had gone in the opposite corner of his room, as though it were running from him. He lunged for it, knocking Kotegawa aside. She hit the side of his desk, making a dull thud as she slid down to the floor, leaving a sharp indent on the desk.

I must.

He knew that the only way now was to kill her. Then he could kill himself, and they could die together. He didn't want her to know that he had killed himself. He picked up the knife, and lurched over to Kotegawa. She was sprawled on the floor, face-down. It was too easy.

Do it.

He raised the knife, lined it up on her back with where her heart was. This would be quick and painless.

Do it!

He took one last look at Kotegawa, her hair scattered like leaves in a windstorm.

Now!

The knife plunged downward, an asteroid streaking down toward the planet surface.

Kill her!

It reached her skin and-

NO!

He stopped suddenly, as reality snapped him back to the point of rationality. He flung the knife behind him, sliding under his bed like a star. He turned to Kotegawa to inspect her back. It had punctured her skin, but not enough to inflict any wounds. The main trouble would be the contact of opposing bloods, but other than that there was nothing terribly bad.

I did it again.

He had violated her again, almost taking her life. Thought flew everywhere, questions, anger, sadness. Why was she in his house? Why isn't she getting up? What's wrong with me? What should I do?

Die.

Of course he had to die, there was no other way. He had almost taken her life, just barely restrained by self-conscience. What happens when I've been cutting even longer? What happens tomorrow, at school?

"Rito."

She was turning over, and he saw that she was crying, huge sobs that threatened to break him even more. They both had blood on their clothing, and as Kotegawa cried, Rito had a thought penetrate through his mind like a railroad spike.

I'm the worst person ever.

And now Rito was crying as well, not caring that Kotegawa was there because she was crying too. And now they were hugging, grasping each other so tightly Rito worried in some far-off corner of his brain that she was going to squeeze more blood out of him.

I'm so sorry, Kotegawa.

"Don't do that to yourself, Rito... Please don't, it hurts me too, and everyone else who care about you... Stop, it..."

What?

All this was whispered into his ear, and as he felt Kotegawa's warmth, the softness of her cheek on his. But he could make no reply, as he didn't know what was right anymore. Kotegawa seemed to recognize this, and for a while she just held him tightly, knowing that he needed time to just gather his thoughts. There was time to get angry later. They just stayed like that for awhile, both just crying their sadness out. Eventually they stopped, just clinging to the other with their eyes still moist and unstable.

I need to say something.

Rito pulled away, and held Kotegawa at arms length. Hey eyes were sparkling in the darkness of his room, and he loved the way they matched her hair. It was just now that he realized that Kotegawa was wearing a sweater, which was odd; Kotegawa didn't wear sweaters.

"Kotegawa... Why did you stop me?"

She sniffled. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Why would you? I always..."

"Always what, Rito?"

I have to tell her.

"I always embarrass you and others with my falls. I always end up violating you, and that's not right! I do this every day, and I don't think it's an accident every time either! I fantasize about it, for crying out loud! And every time you yell at me for doing it! I try to tell you it's a misunderstanding, but you never listen! And so I was doing that to punish myself. I figured you hadn't been doing enough of that lately. I'm doing this for you!"

I said it. I finally said it.

Kotegawa started to cry again, and lunged into Rito's arms. He was starting to cry again as well, and although he tried to stop it by biting his lip, it just made it worse as the pain reminded him what he had been doing not five minutes ago. His vision blurred, and he realized that Kotegawa wasn't yelling at him.

Strange.

"Rito, you don't understand anything, do you?"

She was speaking into his shirt, but he could hear every word she said, feel all the tears that ran down his shirt as she continued to cry while talking.

"I was jealous, Rito! Jealous! Every time you would trip and find your hand up a girl's shirt I wanted it to be me!"

Come again?

"I love you, Rito! I... I want you to do shameless things to me1 I want you to grope me, to see my panties, to make me blush. But when you do it to others I come over and yell so that you will stop! And then when it happens to me, I get all embarrassed and push away!"

There has to be blood in my ear.

"Kotegawa... I don't know what to say, I mean... I love you too, ever since I met you. But you always were mean to me, and that's why I-"

He tried to say something, but couldn't, so he tried gesturing with his arm. Unfortunately, it was his damaged arm, and it sort of flopped around. He suddenly realized that there was a lot of blood on Kotegawa.

Kotegawa looked up, glaring now. "So you felt you had to cut yourself?"

"I just wanted to be with you..."

"Why would you want to be with me? Look at what I've... I've..."

She was shaking now, and Rito worried she was going to snap. Finally, she pulled away from him fully and started to roll up her blood-stained sleeve.

No way.

There were scars on her wrist and palm. An X on the palm and a number of I's on the wrist. He realized that they were Roman numerals.

"Every time I reprimand you, I cut until they all bleed, and then I add a new one. I feel just as bad as you do, you aren't alone! You don't have to.. you don't... Rito, I love you too!"

I can't believe-

"I love you so much that I can't stand the thought of you doing shameless things to other girls! I want you to do so many things t me and me only! I'm... I just want to kiss a boy, and have him mean it. I want to do so much... I hate myself for being this ecchi, but I just am! And here's proof!"

She rolled up her other sleeve, and on there were Roman numerals as well. He wasn't very good with them, but he counted 19 in numerals.

"This is every time you do something to another girl that I wish you would have done to me! I want you to do so much to me! I hate myself because I don't care about feelings at all!"

She put her face in her hands and sobbed loudly as Rito simply sat and digested what she had told him. Eventually he crawled over to her and put a hand, his good hand this time, on her shoulder.

That's a lie.

"No."

She looked up, tear-stricken.

"What do you mean, no?"

"You care about feelings very much, Kotegawa. When I was about to hurt myself just now, about to practically kill myself, you restrained me. You told me to stop. And right now, even if it's in a rather unorthodox manner, you're trying to comfort me. You do care, and you care about the ecchi things as well. But whenever you do, you think of your place as someone who tries to respect discipline. You worry about losing that and releasing the animal inside. And so it comes out like this."

She contemplated him, his blood-stained face, his pleading blue eyes, his messed-up hair. She put her hands on his own and titled her head.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

She frowned, but didn't seem to be angry. In fact... She seemed more lively, brighter, happier. And as Rito stared at her, he realized something strange.

I feel different.

Rito did feel different. He now looked at his arm and felt repulsed by the amount of blood. He felt horrible for doing these things to himself, and he felt like he had to comfort Kotegawa in some way.

I can't do that ever again.

But he also felt like he was staring at himself from far away. Like the Rito from ten minutes ago had left, and he was there instead. The Rito who got through the next day with an oblivious smile. The Rito who wasn't very good at school, but was a caring person who tried to respect girls and be charitable.

Am I cured?

Kotegawa shifted. She was blushing a little bit now, and had a tipsy sort of smile on her face.

"Rito, can I ask you something?"

Uh oh.

"Sure, what?"

"Can you kiss me?"

Wait, what?

"Um, Kotegawa! I don't understand..."

She smiled, and Rito realized that she was feeling much better now.

"I just want to know what it's like, being kissed by the boy I like."

"I-I-I... You sure?"

"Very."

"Okay, but no tongue. A brief one."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

And so they kissed. It was brief, as Rito promised, but it was nice and made both feel much better, like the other one didn't hate them. And it was in this moment that, while he would probably want to go through therapy for the next couple of months to be completely sure, he knew.

I'm cured.

He stood up, and extended his arm to Kotegawa, to help her up, and she took it. But he had forgotten that it was his ravaged arm. And so when Kotegawa grabbed it, instead of her being pulled up, Rito was pulled down.

Crap.

He landed quite non-gracefully, and as he opened his eyes and realized his predicament, he groaned.

Are you serious?

Kotegawa was lying face-up, hair splayed everywhere and eyes huge. Rito's was practically on top of her, with his bad hand still clutched in hers. That wasn't the problem. The problem was the fact that his good hand was down Kotegawa's skirt. Her face looked bewildered, the expression that she would always get before she started yelling at him.

No, not again.

Kotegawa smiled.

"We should bandage up that arm. It could cause problems like this later down the road."

He blushed, grinned, and the two stood up, untangling themselves, although Rito noticed that Kotegawa seemed to be trying to delay him taking his hand out of her skirt.And even though he felt bad for accidentally feeling up Kotegawa, he could now think what had caused him to almost render one arm useless without having any feelings of horror or self-loathing.

It was an accident.

But he still had one final question on his mind.

"Hey, Kotegawa?"

"Yes?"

"Why were you in my house in the first place?"

"We were going to study together, remember? Everyone else was going to a meeting and I said that I would study with you because your grades weren't exactly doing the greatest."

That's right, I forgot.

In his blood lust he had overlooked that Kotegawa would be coming over, but with no such hunger for pain anymore, he remembered that day again.

"So, let's patch up that arm, and then study, okay?" Kotegawa grasped his hand, hers being warm and comforting.

"Sure."