This is what happens when I watch an old movie over again, combine it with some of my fav Once Upon a Time characters, some little used fairy tale people, plus a familiar nursery rhyme—There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe (but she's not old in this story) . . . and here for your enjoyment is . . .

Yours, Mine, and Rumplestiltskin's

1

The Sorcerer's Children

Once upon a time there was a castle on a hill, but the castle did not belong to a king or even a duke. Instead it belonged to a sorcerer, the sorcerer called Rumplestiltskin, once known far and wide as the Dark One. What people didn't know was that the Dark One's curse had been broken years before by the pure love of a father for his children, first the two children of his blood and later by children he had rescued or been given in exchange by foolish parents wanting more than their lot in life. Before Rumplestiltskin had donned the mantle of the Dark One, the castle used to echo with the screams of the damned and dying, the wails of the hopeless and doomed. But now the castle rang with the sounds of many little feet, and some not so little anymore, running up and down the stairs, through the hall, and across the broad fields. It echoed with the sounds of childish laughter, quarrels, talks, and tears. Such things had become commonplace since Rumplestiltskin had moved in with his horde of children. Had anyone come riding by, they might have heard something like this of a Monday morning.

"Where's Papa, Bae?" asked Ivy of her seventeen-year-old brother, Baelfire, as she cut biscuits out of the dough she'd made that morning. Ivy was three years younger than her brother, though they both had similar looks, dark hair, deep brown eyes, and skin tanned by sun and wind.

"He had to go and deliver a potion to someone in the village," answered her brother, leaning on the end of the counter. "Some idiot went and turned his prize cow into a statue with a hedge charm and as usual they came up here yammering for someone to fix it. You'd think they'd find another sorcerer considering they only come to Papa for problems."

"Will he be back in time for breakfast?" Ivy asked, shoving a tendril of hair out of her face and wiping her floury hands on her apron. One of the things Ivy could do well was bake, and thank goodness for that, because she had nine mouths to feed, including herself. She transferred the baking soda biscuits to a cookie sheet and shoved it into the wall oven.

"Don't know," Bae shrugged. "Maybe. Look, I'm going to start doing the chores. The animals need to be fed and Flicker needs to be turned out to pasture. Papa rode Rogue, so he should be back on time unless he's delayed. Tell Jack and Finn to come gather the eggs and milk Bluebird, okay?"

"All right. Where's Elaina and Jasmine?"

"Probably still asleep. Along with Tom and Clary." Grabbing his cloak from a peg near the back door, Bae made his way out of the kitchen, which was stuffy, to the barn where they had all the livestock, including a flock of sheep, a cow, hens, and some horses. As the eldest of the sorcerer's brood, it was Bae's job to feed the animals and make sure the two younger boys did their share of chores as well.

Ivy set down her dishcloth and walked to the foot of the grand staircase (at least it used to be grand once, now it was just scuffed with the passage of many feet, despite Ivy's attempts to polish it once a week) and yelled up it, "Finn, Jack! Time to get up and do your chores! You're burning daylight here. Jasmine, wake up Elaina and get down here. I need your help in the kitchen. Breakfast won't make itself."

"Thought you was makin' breakfast, Ivy," said a tiny voice. A little girl with beautiful reddish-gold hair and eyes the color of the sky at midnight came out on the landing, rubbing her eyes sleepily. She was dressed in a pink nightgown with ruffles at the hem and her bare feet were peeping out from beneath it.

"I am, Clary, but I still need some help," Ivy grinned up at her youngest sister, who had turned four two months ago. Clary was short for Clarissa, and besides being the baby of the family, was once the daughter of a noble family. Her father had given her away to Rumplestiltskin because he had six other daughters to marry off and didn't need a seventh one, so he left her on the castle doorstep as an "offering" to the Dark One as a baby.

Ivy had been ten then, just old enough to mind an infant and snort in disbelief at what some people thought about her father, as if he collected children like coins or something, and chopped them up for potion ingredients! Then again, people believed what they wanted to believe, and Ivy had learned long ago, after her mother Milah had abandoned her, Bae, and her father, that people were also selfish and cruel, especially to unwanted daughters.

"Move it, Clary, I gotta go milk the cow!" ordered Jack, shoving past the little girl, his tunic laces undone, his blond hair standing up, and his shoes untied. He thundered down the stairs like a herd of elephants.

"Jack! Did you even comb your hair?" Ivy cried, scandalized.

"I'll do it later!" he replied, and then the door slammed.

Ivy shook her head. "One of these days he's going to be mistaken for a haystack . . ."

"Who, me?" asked Finn, her second oldest brother, tall and lanky at thirteen, with a kind face and green eyes to go with his sandy hair, which was neatly combed. He had a handsomely carved flute tucked in his belt and was dressed in his customary blue tunic and gray trousers with comfortable old leather boots, a hand-me-down from Bae.

"No, Jack, who else? He's the only one who can take clothes freshly pressed out of the closet and put them on and look more rumpled than if he'd been sleeping in them," Ivy sighed.

"He'll grow out of it," Finn laughed, tousling Clary's head as he went by. "Once he starts noticing girls."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "That what happened to you?"

"Nah. They started noticing my flute," Finn smirked.

"You . . . summoned them?" Ivy gasped. "Finn, you promised Papa you wouldn't use your magic without his permission!"

"And I haven't. I just play tunes and they come to listen. Sometimes," Finn grinned. "See you later. I want pancakes."

"Then you can make them yourself," Ivy said.

"Aw, you know I can't cook. I always burn things," he said, turning around.

"Learn then."

"Why? When I've got a perfectly sweet sister to make them for me?" he teased.

"Me?" Ivy blinked. Usually her siblings complained that she bossed them, but someone had to keep order in the castle when her father was away.

"No, Jasmine!" Finn chuckled, then he ran before she could swat him with her dish towel.

There came a giggle from the top of the stairs. "Finn's funny!" Clary said.

"Uh huh. He's a riot," Ivy snorted, then held out her arms. "Come on down, baby. You can watch me scramble the eggs."

Clary started down the staircase, holding onto the banister lest she take a tumble, and Ivy, exasperated, called up the stairs. "Hello! It's morning, now shake a leg!"

"I'm coming!" Jasmine shouted back. "Come on, Elaina! Quit brushing your hair, and hurry up. I'm hungry and it's your turn to set the table," the nine-year-old informed her older sister, who was obsessed with preening in front of a mirror and trying out all the latest styles on her glorious mane of hair.

"Just a minute. I need to set this hair pin," Elaina said crossly, she was sixteen, two years older than Ivy, but more concerned with how she looked in front of the village boys than anything else. She was twisting her beautiful golden hair into a fanciful knot on her head, like a great lady of fashion.

"Who's going to see you? The chickens?" teased a boy with hair the color of a new penny. It was so bright that people noticed it from a fair piece, and a lucky thing it was, because the child was only three inches tall, despite being eleven years old. He was dressed in green and brown, like a forest ranger. He'd been swapped for a bag of gold pieces when he was five, once his greedy parents realized he'd never grow any bigger.

"Shut up, Tom!" yelled Elaina crossly. "Now get out and leave me be!"

"Okay, but you'll be in for it if you're still primping like that when Papa gets home," Tom answered cheekily.

A shoe flew out of the bedroom and landed in the hallway with a thud.

"Missed me!" Tom called as he climbed rapidly up the newel post and slid down the banister, the fastest and safest way for him to get down the stairs.

"Tom, what was that?" Ivy asked.

"Elaina's shoe. She threw it at me," the boy replied, hopping down to Ivy's hand, which she held out for him.

"Great. I'd better start the eggs. Or else we'll never eat," Ivy said.

"I'll do the toast," Tom volunteered. He could jump on the toaster lever, if someone put the bread inside the magical toaster.

"And I'll cut up the fruit and fry the bacon," Jasmine said, skipping down the stairs, her black hair bouncing like a curtain down her back. It was one of the few things Ivy allowed the nine-year-old to do to prepare the meal. She was a small girl, brown as a nut, with exotic eyes like a gazelle's, the fourth daughter of Caliph ibn Jahad of a far away desert kingdom. The kingdom had been taken over by a witch known as the Snow Queen, and Jasmine and Elaina, a visiting princess, along with everyone else in the palace, had been turned into ice sculptures. They had been freed when Rumplestiltskin broke the Queen's spell, but left orphans because the rest of their family hadn't been so lucky—they'd melted before Rumplestiltskin could change them back.

Cuddling Clary to her, Ivy turned and followed Jasmine back into the kitchen, calling, "Elaina, quit being a lazy lay-about and get over here."

"I am not a lazy lay-about, Ivy! Some of us care about how we look," Elaina snapped, coming into the kitchen at last. She wore a pretty lavender gown with pearls on it and soft slippers, like she was going to tea at a palace.

"Please! Just get the plates before the boys and Papa come in." Ivy ordered, scrambling a dozen eggs in a bowl with a wisk.

"Some of us aren't scheming to steal a kiss from the innkeeper's son!" Jasmine said, as she turned the bacon on the stove.

Elaina glared at her. "Be quiet, you little tattletale!" She flounced over to the cupboard with the plates and silverware. "At least my mother wasn't a harem girl!"

"My mother was a princess, you shrew!" Jasmine fired back.

"What's a harem girl, Ivy?" asked Clary, sticking her finger in her mouth.

"Nothing you should be concerned about. Go wash up, sweetie." Ivy said quickly, then she glared at her two quarreling sisters and said, "Gods' sake, watch what you say around the baby! Papa will have our heads if Clary repeats anything."

"There'd be nothing to tell if Jasmine would keep her mouth shut," Elaina snapped, setting down the plates with a clatter.

"Or if Elaina would quit making eyes at all the boys who—" Jasmine began, placing the bacon on a platter.

"Enough!" Ivy yelled. "I'm sick of you two always fighting. Knock it off!"

"You're not the boss of me, Ivy," Elaina said mutinously, but she set the table without further chatter.

"Uh oh! I dropped the soap!" Clary said from where she was perched on a small stepstool beside the wash basin.

Ivy groaned, but before she could say anything, she heard Bae comment, "Thanks, imp! I needed that all wet." He came in and began to wash his hands, after gently putting his small sister and the stool off to the side. "C'mon, Clary-belle! Let's go sit down." He picked up Clary and carried her with him to the table, setting her down in the chair next to his in the dining room.

Just then Jack burst in with the milk pail, sloshing it.

"Jack, watch what you're doing! It almost ended up on the floor!" Ivy scolded, rescuing the pail before it spilled.

"Wasn't my fault! Finn shoved me."

"Never mind. Go wash up." Ivy put the pail on the counter, they would put the milk into bottles later and skim the cream off it for butter.

"Me first," Finn said, floating the basket of eggs he'd gathered over to Ivy before he scrubbed his hands.

Jack scowled as he waited his turn.

Ivy pulled the biscuits out of the oven and into a bread basket then carried them plus the scrambled eggs in on a tray.

Jasmine rescued the toast and buttered it, then brought it in with the bacon and some cut up apples and bananas, with Tom perched on her shoulder. Since not everyone ate biscuits, there was always toast at breakfast.

Elaina went into the kitchen to get the jam and butter, plus the coffee pot and the jug of milk and set them on the table just as they heard the front door open and familiar limping steps down the hall.

Everyone sat down at his or her place as Rumplestiltskin came into the dining room. He eyed his children's scrubbed faces and said, "Good morning. I smell biscuits."

"Good morning, Papa!" they all chorused.

"I baked them this morning," Ivy said, as Clary stood on her chair and threw her arms about her father's neck as he moved to sit down at the head of the table.

Rumple hugged her and said, "How's my lovely girl this morning?"

Clary snuggled into his chest like a little silkworm and lisped, "M' tired, Papa. Not hungry."

Rumple sighed. Lately his youngest had been going through a phase where she picked at her food. "How about you eat four bites for me," he persuaded, snapping his fingers at the little girl's plate.

A small amount of eggs, bacon, fruit, and a piece of toast appeared on the plate.

He set Clary down and handed her the fork beside her plate. "Here. Four bites . . . of everything," he added, knowing if he didn't specify, she'd try to get away with eating four bites of fruit and nothing else.

"How many's that?"

"Just start eating," her father ordered. "Pass the eggs, please."

When everyone had passed all the platters round and had filled their plates, Jack asked, "Where were you, Papa?"

Rumplestiltskin looked at his youngest son. "Don't talk with your mouth full. I was down at the village. Master Cummings had managed to turn his cow into a statue with a hedge charm and he needed me to sprinkle it with a potion to turn it back. The charm was supposed to make his cow give double cream."

"How dumb can you get?" Finn rolled his eyes. "Everyone knows hedge charms are no good."

"Stupid is as stupid does," Tom said, nibbling on his crust of toast. Not all of Rumple's children could do magic, but they all were familiar with how it worked.

"Did you fix the cow, Papa?" asked Jasmine, eating her biscuit smeared with strawberry jam.

"No, he left it like that. Duh!" Jack rolled his eyes at her.

"I did. And received some very nice apple tarts and cream for it, along with a week's worth of butter."

"Yes! Then we don't have to churn this week!" cheered Elaina, since it was her and Ivy's job to do that. "That was a good deal, Papa."

"I try my best," said the sorcerer. Most of the villagers that required his services could never pay him in money, not that he needed any, being able to spin straw into gold. So he dealt in other things with them, things that his family needed that they didn't have to make or shop for. He was known as a hard bargainer, and people knew this and came to him willing to pay accordingly.

Things grew calmer as the children and Rumple ate breakfast. The food vanished as if eaten by an army of starving soldiers.

All except for the food on Clary's plate which she pushed about until Bae glanced at it and said, "Better eat that, snippet. There are children starving in the Enchanted Forest."

"Why, Bae?" Clary asked, her eyes wide.

"Because the evil queen Regina wants to make ghosts of them! Muhwahha!" Jack cried, making a scary face at her.

Clary yelped and hid her face in Rumple's lap. "I'm a'scared of ghosts, Papa!"

Rumple frowned down the table. "Jack! Stop teasing your sister or else you can do double chores today." He stroked Clary's hair. "Don't be scared, Clary. Jack was just kidding. There are no ghosts here."

Clary peeked up at him with one blue eye. "There aren't?"

"No. I chased them all away. Now sit up and finish your eggs."

"Not hungry," Clary said stubbornly.

"Would you like to take a nap then?" Rumple suggested slyly.

"No!" Clary shook her head. She was wide awake now and not the least bit sleepy. She picked up her fork and ate another bite of eggs, then drank a sip of milk.

At Ivy's unspoken signal, the older boys and girls rose and began clearing the table. Clary could dawdle for another five minutes and since Rumple was the only one able to get her to eat, he would stay with her while the table was cleared, the dishes washed, and the sheep and horses put out to pasture for the day. After that would come lessons, since Rumple insisted all his children be able to read, write, and figure at the very least, and some of them also had lessons in magic, like Finn, Jasmine, and Ivy.

Bae stood up and pushed his chair in. He picked up his cloak and put it on as the rest of his siblings paraded past him with their arms full of dishes.

Rumple looked up. "Where are you going at this hour of the morning?"

"Out for a bit, Papa. I'll be back before noon for my sword practice with Jack and Finn," Bae said quietly, hoping his father wouldn't ask him any more questions. At seventeen he was almost old enough to leave home, but he wasn't quite ready to strike out on his own yet. Especially not now, when a pretty girl living near the village's edge had caught his eye.

Of course, he didn't dare say that, his nosy siblings would make his life hell if they knew.

"All right. I'll see you later," Rumple waved a hand at his eldest. Bae was mostly responsible and the sorcerer knew he could trust him to not get into trouble. As his son walked away, Rumple turned back to his recalcitrant daughter and thought back to when Bae was about this age, before Milah had left. When he was just a master spinner and known as a coward for deserting the army and refusing to fight for the old duke in the Ogre Wars.

Who would have ever imagined his life the way it was now? Certainly not Milah, who'd left him and his children to go adventuring on the high seas with her pirate lover. She'd thought him a coward and a fool. Rumple shrugged and wondered if she had gotten what she wished for. In the end, he thought he'd gotten a better bargain, for he loved Bae, Ivy, and all the other children he'd adopted, they'd helped a dark sorcerer become human again. Now, he mused, if only he had a wife to help him out, especially with the girls . . .

A/N: Now that you've met Rumple's family, next you'll see Belle's. Who do you think Bae is meeting? And can you guess what fairy tale character each of the children are?

If you haven't seen the movie Yours, Mine, and Ours with Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball, please do! This story is loosely based off that, and if you like funny pictures, watch it, it's a hoot. It was one of my mom's favorites, as well as mine, and it never fails to make me laugh. You can rent or buy it, it's well worth it. Just make sure it's the original, as they did remake it, but the original is so much funnier.

I own nothing, of course, except my crazy imagination.