I wrote this for my friend who's recovering from surgery. (She likes England in a sweater vest probably even more than me.) I hope you feel better, girl! :)

Anyway, this is the crackiest thing I have ever written. It was supposed to be cute and fluffy but that is not my forte so this happened. Much of it is in Amerimochi's POV, so that's why. Also, this Amerimochi is the one from the canon comic strips where he lives with Estonia, Italymochi, and Canadamochi. But if you haven't read them, I doubt you will be any more confused than those who have. It's so cracky everyone is gonna be confused. (Still recommend reading them though because they are hilarious! Here's a link for anyone interested: hetarchive / scanlations / nonlinear . php?omoti … take out the spaces.)

The beginning is in America's POV. Enjoy!

X

So I done goofed. Big time.

England got super pissed and dumped me. But it wasn't my fault! Let me explain, and y'all will understand why this is a total load.

It all started last Thursday when I was at the bar at Applebee's and had three Jell-O shots. BIG MISTAKE, YOU GUYS. I was wasted and horny and kinda lonely. I mean, I was at the Applebee's bar by myself on a Thursday night, can you blame me? Stop blaming me. Anyway, I had three Jell-O shots and thought to myself, 'I'm gonna call England. And talk sexy to him."

I didn't even care if the other people at Applebee's heard me. You know what they say! When you're there, you're family. No wait, that's Olive Garden. Applebee's is just eating good in the neighborhood. I remember because when I said that to England one time when I took him there he was like, "That's incorrect grammar. It should be 'eating well in the neighborhood'" and I was like "Whatever, they changed their slogan to 'See You Tomorrow' anyway so shut up." (They really did. True story.) (I would have gone with 'See You Next Tuesday.') (LOL get it?)

But England didn't answer his phone! Probably because it was like 5 o'clock in the morning where he lived. And unlike that song by T-Pain featuring Wiz Khalifa and Lily Allen, England didn't sneak off to my bedroom and wait there, pretend he was sleeping, and hope I was I decided to leave him a message.

But if you remember boys and girls, I was drunk. Off of three Jell-O shots. DON'T JUDGE. So being mentally impaired and thus totally not my fault, I made a mistake. Instead of selecting 'England' from my contact list on my iPhone, I accidentally selected one name down. It was a mistake anyone could make! In fact I'd done this before but that is a different story. Same person too. Poor Estonia …

Of course, I didn't know I'd selected Estonia's name. I thought I'd picked England's! So I left a message I INTENDED for England.

"Hey, it's meeeeee …" I said on the message. "AMERICA. So listen, uh, I'm here at Applebee's … at the bar … jus' thinkin' about you. Kinda lonely. Happens sometimes when you have three Jell-O shots, am I right? I … I had three Jell-O shots. But I guess you guys over there call them … um … jam shots. Jelly shots. ANYWAY! I'm here at the bar, by myself … thinkin' about ya. Missin' ya. Why do you gotta live all the way across the Atlantis Ocean? That really blows, dude. You know what I'd do to you if you were here? Oh my God, dude. I would do ... like … so many things. Like … your butt."

Don't worry, the message isn't over. What, you thought it was? No, I just wanted to break up that big ass wall of text. You're welcome! Here's more:

"Gettin' horny jus' thinkin' about it. You in your li'l sweater vest. God, dat sweater vest. Why does it turn me on so much? That green one I like. With the white shirt underneath. Yeeeeeah. Like Doug Funny had. You remember him? Nah, only 90's kids remember the 90's. Anyway, that really turns me on. Not when Doug Funny wore it, I mean. I'm not into kids. I'm into adult men, like normal dudes. Uh … not that I'm into other dudes. I know you'd be pissed if I said that out loud even though I'm only human … or country … whatevs. Anyway, you look so hot in that sweater vest. With your li'l matching khaki pants. UNF! If you were here with me at Applebee's, oh my God, dude. We'd be doin' all kinds of good things in the neighborhood, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I'd take you in the bathroom and rough you up good. But I wouldn't dare take that sweater vest off you. Oh hells no. You better keep that on. Drop them khaki pants but leave the sweater vest. That's what gets me off, man. Sorry it'll get wrinkled because I'd do you so hard, dude. So hard you'll moan so loud the Applebee's people will hear but I don't care. Because it's good mood food. Oh shit that's Arby's, HAHA! I meant … uh … it takes two hands to hold a Whopper. Goddamnit. That's Burger King. Imma go now but yeah seriously. Anytime, dude. Hit me up. BYE!"

Now see that was meant for England. Because we're in sorta a relationship … type … thing. It's a special relationship, you wouldn't understand. But then after this came out, it was nothing. Because England said he wanted nothing more to do with me! He thought I really meant that message for Estonia! The khaki pants thing probably didn't help. Estonia wears those too. At his computer. Damn coincidence!

I tried explaining myself. I showed him how Estonia's name was right under his and it was an easy mistake! He seemed to consider that. Then guess what! ESTONIA SHOWED UP! I was like WTF? Get out of here, dude! He thought that message was legit for him! And CAME TO MY HOUSE! While England was there! What a lonely dude. I barely even talk to him, why would I call him up and say I wanna bang him? But it didn't matter. England was there when Estonia showed up, and that didn't look very good on my part.

So he left me :(

Now here I am. Sitting at my house, on the couch, feeling sorry for myself, sighing a lot. What else is there to do when you're depressed? You just sigh.

"SIIIIIIIGH!" I sighed. "No amount of pigs in a blanket will console me now." (I was eating pigs in a blanket.)

"Would you like for me to make you some räim?" asked Estonia.

"WHAT THE? ! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? !"

"I didn't want to be rude and just leave without saying goodbye."

"Are you serious? ! Dude, you realize you just got me dumped, right? !"

"Yeah, I guess I arrived at a very inopportune time."

"What the hell does 'inopportune' mean? ! Also what the hell is räim? !"

"My national dish," said Estonia. "You use a lot of interrobangs."

"Yeah well, I'm not gonna interroBANG you, so get your ass outta here!"

"Okay."

As Estonia got up to leave, something jumped out of this messenger bag thing he had over his shoulder.

"What just came out of your man purse?" I asked him.

"I didn't see anything."

Estonia left and I went back to sighing forever alonely on the couch. I was emo, like Gerard Way.

"I finally get all those Linkin Park songs," I said to myself, still sighing. "Crawling in my skin! I get it now."

Suddenly, a little white round thing jumped up on the arm of the couch. I was like WTF! It came outta nowhere! It was like a ball and had blue eyes and little glasses (by the way I mean a ball like a volley ball or something, not like a testicle ball, if that's what you were picturing.)

"Hello!" it said to me. "I'm going to talk at you."

I was in shock. What the hell was that thing? Did Whaley lay an egg? Did Wilson from 'Castaway' come and visit me? Was I tripping balls and hallucinating that Tokomon (Patamon's in training form from Digimon) had come to tell me I was Digidestined? That would be cool.

Then I remembered! It was from Estonia! He has these weird pet things called mochis and they're from different countries. He buys them online on eBay because he is a hoarder and can't get enough of these guys. I remember seeing pics of them on his blog that I tell him I read but usually don't. This one must have snuck in his bag and come over here! I knew I saw something come out of his man purse.

And now it was staring at me from the armrest. "Why do you have sad time?" it asked me.

:/

"Um … it's a long story."

"Tell me."

"Nah."

This thing was creepy. I didn't even see it blink once as it stared at me. Into my soul.

"Is a secret?" it asked.

"Not really. I just don't wanna talk about it." (I talked about it with you, boys and girls, because I like y'all so that's okey. I know y'all are cool.)

"Can I talk about it?"

"How can you talk about it when you don't even know what it is?"

"I'm going to tell you a story." It still hadn't blinked once, you guys. It just went like :3

"I don't wanna hear a story."

"I'm going to tell you a story," it said.

This ain't Reading Rainbow. I didn't wanna hear a story. The only thing I wanted was to have England call me up and say "JUST KIDDING LOL!" about breaking up with me even though he doesn't talk like that. I just thought that'd be funny if he did, hehe. Something Britishy like "That was surely in bloody jest" would be fine too. Or, if that didn't happen, then going to get some Olive Garden sounded good too. I need someone to treat me like family right now. You think they'd hug me? Family hugs. I need a hug. Also Olive Garden gives you two dinners when you order one. The other one is for you to take home! And eat all by yourself without your Olive Garden family :(

"Here's story," said the ball thing. "Is to cheer you up. Feel happy!"

"NO," I pouted.

"You need happy! I will make happy for you. With my story."

I didn't wanna hear its story but I was too lazy to get off the couch so I did.

To make this less cumbersome (LOL I said cum) I'm going to switch this over to what it's saying. You know, so the story is told in its point of view. Like imagining some wavy lines ~~~ like in TV shows where it fades to another character's memory, like a flashback. That's what this is like. FRAME NARRATIVE YEEEEEEAH!

And this is that creepy thing's story.

X

Once on the time, it was four months ago. I was rolling on roller-skate because I had to leave house! It was boring at Estonia's house. All he does is work and get on the Internet Explorer. He explores the internet like youtube and tumblr and Microsoft Excel. Not Facebook because he's doesn't have enough friends.

Canandamochi and Italymochi also live in Estonia's house with me and Estonia. But they are lame and I don't roll with lames. I roll with roller-skates. I rolled down the street to elderly neighbor's house. I wanted to see Englandmochi! Englandmochi lives with Estonia's weak and pathetic neighbor.

When I got to old man's house, I slid through mail slot like I was mail. But I was not mail. Though I am male. That's is a homophone. But not a phone for homos.

Englandmochi was in room inside, sitting on a pillow like he's hotel mint.

I said, "HI!"

"Leave me alone!" he said to me with an unhappy face.

"Why are you having grouchy time?" I asked.

"None of your business!"

"I like your top hat."

"Go away!"

"Let's make babies together."

"What? !" yelled Englandmochi. "We are both males!"

"Oh yeah. I forgot."

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Old man answered it and it was Estonia who was not on the internet anymore.

"I'm sorry to bother you," said Estonia to decrepit man. "But I think one of my mochis has escaped. Is he over here?"

"He is over here!" said Englandmochi from where we were at.

"You spilled my beans," I said.

So Estonia took me home! Back to his nerd house. I was discouraged. But then I was couraged again.

"I need to make Englandmochi feel happy so then he will lets me stay!" I said to no one. I was alone in the room.

"How will you make him feel happy?" asked Canadamochi who was in the room with me.

"HMM!"

I thought about it. I thought about when I was no happy how I got happy again! The last time I was not happy (besides being taken from Englandmochi's house against will) was when I was put in time out by Estonia. I was puts in time out because I went potty on Estonia's clothes instead of litter box. What made me happy again was being taken AWAY from time out! So taking away bad thing makes happy!

"I will take away bad thing from Englandmochi!" I said.

"What is bad thing?" asked Canadamochi.

"Hmm … what is making Englandmochi have unhappy face?" I stopped and thought hard about it!

"Did he say to you?"

"Hmmmm. Yeah! I think he did!"

"What he say?"

"He said he was sad we are both males and can't make babies with each others."

"Why not?"

Wow! I didn't know answer to that! Why can't two males have babies? We should be able to if we want! That's what's freedom's about! And USA is FREE! Is Estonia? I dunno. But USA IS #1 and everybody's is free to do whatever they want! So if two males want to have baby, they can! Yeah!

"Good point," I said to Canadamochi. "I will have babies with Englandmochi and then he will be happy!"

"How will you have babies with him?"

Canadamochi asks lots of questions. He is nosey! He has nothing better to do. Estonia was busy with the internet and so I was Canadamochi's only friend right now not on the Internet (Italymochi was sitting in Estonia's lap getting petted because he is a kissass.)

"I will do research! SCIENCE YEAH!"

I went to Estonia on the internet. Canadamochi came with me because what else is he gonna do.

"Google me something," I said to Estonia when I got to Estonia and his computer.

"Oh, hey!" Estonia said to me. "You scared me earlier, little guy! I thought you ran away."

"No," I said. "I roller-skated away. Google for me!"

"Haha, okay. What would you like me to Google for you?"

"How male gets pregnant," I said. "How is baby formed?"

Canadamochi talked even though I didn't say it was okey. "He wants to know why two males can't have babies!"

"They can!" I said to Canadamochi. "I just don't know how! Please internets that for me, Estonia."

Estonia looked confused! "Why … why would you want to know that?"

"Englandmochi wants to has babies with me. How can we make babies?"

"I want baby, too," said Canadamochi.

"Who is going to have baby with you?" I asked Canadamochi.

Canadamochi frowned.

"I'm sorry, guys," said Estonia. "But two males can't make a baby. It's not physically possible."

"Nooooooo!" I said. I bounced angrily!

"Why not?" asked Canadamochi.

"Two males don't have the … parts necessary for it."

I stopped bouncing. "Oh! I can find parts! Go to amazon dot com! They has everything and you should buy for me. Type in baby making parts!"

"Yeah!" said Canadamochi. "Internet 'baby making parts' and we can buy!"

"Silly Canadamochi! Estonia will buy."

"Okay!"

"No, I will not!" Estonia looked flustered! "You can't buy female reproductive parts online!" He paused. "… I think."

"Vee!" said Italymochi, in Estonia's lap. "You should check!"

"Shut up, Italymochi," I said. "You are not part of this conversation. You don't even go here."

Italymochi frowned. "I live here …"

"Listen," said Estonia. "I'm not sure how much you all can comprehend of this … but it just isn't physically possible for two males to reproduce. You need a male and a female. Reproduction occurs when a male's sperm fertilizes a female's egg and grows into an embryo. Two sperm can't create an embryo. You need the egg as well."

"I has sperms?" I asked.

"Umm …" Estonia made a face like :/ "Actually, I don't really know how your species does it. But probably."

"Do I has sperms, too?" asked Canadamochi.

"What are sperms?" I asked.

"Yeah, what!"

"The male reproductive cell," said Estonia. "Look—this is probably a little too advanced for you all."

"Maybe is too advanced for Canadamochi and Italymochi but I is smart and understand," I said.

Estonia sighed! "I have to get back to work now. Go run along and play."

"Uploading pic of gross fish in Instagram can wait!" I said angrily! I angry bounced again. "Is not fair! I want to have babies! With male! IS FREE COUNTRY I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!"

"Whoa, calm down!" Estonia reached down and petted me in soothing way. "It's all right! Just because two males can't actually reproduce doesn't mean you can't have a baby. You can adopt."

"Oh?" I said. "Is that just as happy?"

"Of course!" replied Estonia. "So don't be upset, okay?"

Canadamochi made smile at me. "You can adopt me if you want!"

"But I don't want."

Canadamochi made frown at me. "Oh."

Estonia put Italymochi on the floor. "All right, now the three of you go and play in the other room so I can get my work done."

"Lulz Sec not real job," I said.

The three of us rolled out of room with a computer and into other room where we lived. Estonia followed us and got us our dinners because it was eating time. Yeah food!

We eated some lettuce on plates.

"Are you going to adopt baby with Englandmochi?" asked Canadamochi, eating a lettuce.

"No! I want to make baby with him," I replied, eating a lettuce.

"Waaah!" said Italymochi, eating a lettuce. "But is not possible!"

"Are you guys blind!" I yelled at them. "Didn't you hear what Estonia said? ! Is possible! All you need is sperms and eggs. I has sperms. Now I just need eggs!"

"Where are eggs?" asked one of them but I don't cares who.

"I saw eggs in refrigerator when Estonia get us lettuce! They were beside other Instagram picture foods," I said. "I have plan! I will get eggs from the refrigerator and bring them to Englandmochi. Then we will make babies with each other. Then he will have his grouchy taken away. Then he will tell me to stay not leave! Yeah!"

"Yaaaay!" said Italymochi. "I'll come with you!"

"Me too!" said Canadamochi.

And I let them even though they are very lame. Because I needed them! I had plan. I go get the eggs from refrigerator. Italymochi goes and make distraction for Estonia so he's doesn't see me take eggs. And Canadamochi gets on Estonia's computer while Estonia distracted to look up how to use eggs to make baby. My plan is great!

Italymochi pretended to cry to distract Estonia. Just kidding! I hit him so he cried for real. I need good distraction! Then I went to kitchen and got eggs. Also got more lettuce to eat! And ate it.

Suddenly, Canadamochi rolled very fast into the room. "EHHHHH!" he yelled.

"Why you do that?" I asked with a carton of eggs on my head.

Canadamochi was shaking! "I-I-I interneted how to make a baby!"

"GOOOOOD! Now let's GO DO ITTTTT!"

"Noooo!" said Canadamochi. "Is scary! You don't want to do with Englandmochi!"

"Why not?"

"The way you make baby is gross and scary!" Canadamochi was lame and was crying.

"But it's only way to make Englandmochi happy! Was it happy on the internet?"

"Yeah, but—"

"OKEY THEN!"

So we went back to on death's door old guy's house where Englandmochi lived. I brought the eggs and Canadamochi brought himself and the tears he was still crying.

"I'M HOME!" I yelled when I came through door.

Englandmochi was still on pillow. "Bugger," he said.

"GOOD NEWS! I learned how to make babies with you. Right, Canadamochi? Tell how."

Canadamochi was shaking. "Is s-s-scary! You use man hot dog and put in wet hole and make mayonnaise inside."

"You dummy!" I said to dummy Canadamochi. "Why didn't you tell me to bring hot dog and mayonnaise before we left house! Now I has to make second trip."

"WHAAAA!" shrieked Englandmochi. "I don't want to make babies with you, Amerimochi!"

"You don't?" I asked. "But you said you did!"

"No, you did!"

"Oh yeah. I forgot."

Oops! I made mistake! Oh well.

"Let's eats the eggs then," I said. "And have egg party."

"Yaaaay!" said Canadamochi.

"Rubbish," said Englandmochi. "There no such thing as egg party."

"Why you still have grouchy inside you, Englandmochi?" I asked. "Are you lonely? Why you live with old man anyway?"

"Old man respect me!" he said. "He's buy me food and treats and pillows and tea and everything I want! Even top hat."

"I do like your top hat," I said. "Where your monocle though?"

"Don't have one," said Englandmochi.

"You need!" I said very excitedly! "Want me to get you one?"

"Where would you get one?" asked Englandmochi.

"Stealing!"

"Stealing is bad!" said Canadamochi.

"Shut up," I said to Canadamochi.

"Aww …"

"Englandmochi!" I said, very excite. "When old man dies soon, you should come live with me and sad nerd Estonia and other lames! We can be friends! Don't worries! You can bring all your fancy stuff like your pillow."

Englandmochi seemed to think about it. "… maybe …" he said after small clock time passed.

"Such a big pillow for such a small guy! I wanna sleep on there too!"

"Whaaa!"

"Yeah, we can sleep on there together," I said. "We can snuggle together too if it cold."

"Can I snuggle too?" asked Canadamochi.

"No," I said.

"Hmm …" said Englandmochi. "I guess … maybe … if I was lonely … you might … share the pillow with me …" he said mumbly.

"Yaaaay!" I said.

Then guess what! Englandmochi was smiling a little! I made him happy after all! And we didn't even have to make babies.

"Let's have egg party!" I said. "Yeah!"

"Who will share pillow with me when I get lonely too?" asked Canadamochi.

I ate eggs. "I dunno. Italymochi?"

"But he's smells like pizza."

"Haha."

So me and Englandmochi ate eggs together and it was an egg party! After we had salmonella, the old man later died from being old. Englandmochi moved in and we did snuggle together on pillow and I felt very happy! I think Englandmochi did too because he smiled a little and his face was red.

We lived happy ever after!

Except Canadamochi. He had a lot of lonely.

The end!

X

(End flashback!)

Now it's me, AMERICA, again. Just in case you boys and girls were confused.

I was still sitting on the couch. The whole time I listened to his story like :I

"You like story?" asked the little ball guy.

"Uhh … what the hell was that?"

"Is good story," it said.

"Why was that supposed to cheer me up?" I asked. If anything, it made me jelly. I mean, he got Englandmochi in the end. Why can't I have non-mochi, basic England? Also, in his country, do they say 'jelly' for jealous like we do here? Or do they call it Jell-O? Since it's flipped over there.

"Because it's has parallel with you and your problem," it said. "Do you understand?"

"Uh … no? What the hell was the moral of that? It made no sense."

In fact, that story didn't even have a moral! Amerimochi didn't really do anything to win Englandmochi. He was but then he just gave it up because it was stupid. He only got Englandmochi because some old guy died. What is the moral here? Kill an old person? Pssh, what's the point? They're just gonna die soon anyway.

Just then, my iPhone rang. I looked and it said it was England! OH BOY!

"Hello!" I answered.

"Hi," replied England.

That tone didn't sound very happy. "So, uh … you still mad at me?"

England sighed heavily. "No …."

"YESSSSSSSS!" I high fived the mochi thing. It grew an arm for the two seconds just to high five me, then the arm went back into itself. That was weird but whatever. England forgave me, yaaaaay!

"I was thinking about it …" said England, all subdued, "… and well, I realized that you really did intend that message for me. I remembered how you've told me before how much you like it when I wear sweater vests. Once you even told me not to take it off while we … you know."

"DUHHHH!" I said in an obvious tone. "That's why I said it in the message!"

"Yes, well, I didn't remember that until I'd calmed down a bit."

"You were pretty pissed."

"Indeed, I was."

"Haha, can you believe Estonia actually showed up? I guess he really thought I wanted to have sex with him!" LOL!

"Hahahaha!" said Amerimochi. "He is sad nerd."

"Who is that?" Uh-oh. England's voice did not sound happy.

"Uh … the TV. You know I would never cheat on you, baby. Come on." Time to quickly change the subject! "Soooo when do you wanna come over?"

"I'll be there tomorrow morning."

"Cool beans! We can snuggle on a pillow together."

"What?"

"I mean in a bed. See you tomorrow!" (You see what I did there? Applebee's new slogan.)

I hung up the phone. "You heard that, mochi thing? England forgives me and he's coming over tomorrow!"

"Yaaaay!" said the mochi ball. "Can I live here?"

"Ya know …" I was thinking. Like rubbing my chin and all. "You and your story were right all along. I didn't have to do anything. The problem solved itself. I guess the moral really is don't do anything. Just do whatever and it'll probably work out. Kinda lame but oh well."

"Yeah!"

"This is great."

I texted England an emoticon of a heart. He texted back a message saying, 'I'll wear the sweater vest tomorrow. I know you like it ;) Love you.'

"Awww!" I said out loud. That was very gay of me to say but whatever. No one but that mochi thing was around anyway.

"Text him a picture of your hot dog making mayonnaise," said the mochi.

"HAHAHAHA!" I LOL'd. "Dude, that'd be awesome! I'm so doing that."

So I went and jacked off to internets porn. Then I took a pic with my iPhone. Sorry Steve Jobs! I doubt you intended your technology to be used like this. You're probably watching me from heaven (hell?) and shaking your head. Anyway, when I was done I sent the pic to England with a winky face ;)

Then I realized my finger had slipped again. I accidentally sent it to the next name after Estonia's in my contact list.

"OH SHIT—"

It was France :(

The end!