Disguises Lead to More Problems Than They Solve

Chapter 4

Let the lovestruck hero begin!

…and awkward Megamind trying to go along with it.

Lolthischaptermademelaughsohard

It also made me feel really awkward.

I have no patience for anything whatsoever.

Metro Man gaped at the redheaded beauty nestled in his arms, sharp fingernails digging into his chest. She was even more beautiful than he had remembered her. Bright green eyes, vibrant, fiery hair, and a nice pair of jugs to go along with the shapely figure. His mouth began to water as he imagined them together, going on dates, getting married, settling down and having at least four children-

"Hey! Metro boy!" Megamind waved a hand in front of his face, "Hellooo? Anyone home? Put me down!"

And Metro Man shot off, making Megamind shriek and clutch at his shoulders, holo-hair whipping in the wind. They zoomed past the city at super speed, Megamind feeling his disguise generator fizzle at the g-force.

"Hey! HEY! LET ME DOWN!" Megamind shouted, trying to be heard over the wind. If his generator short-circuited, the ruse would be up, and he'd have to start from scratch all over again. And Metro Man would be left with a rather embarrassed Megamind cradled in his arms, rather than the woman he remembered rescuing.

As abruptly as Metro Man started, he stopped, the wind catching up to them and blowing his cape and hair. He grinned down at Megamind, and the disguised alien had to squint his eyes to see past the glint of Metro Man's pearly whites. He was set down, and Metro Man zipped off for half a second, returning before Megamind had finished taming his hair and brushing down his clothes, smoothing out the fabric of his blazer and skirt.

"I have saved you from the evil Megamind, miss! Would you allow me to take you to dinner?"

"Well, I—" Megamind cut off as he gradually took in their surroundings.

They were out in the open, a white tablecloth covering a table where two candles were burning. Two chairs were set, and a radio resting on a stool was softly playing romantic music. Megamind raised an eyebrow at the setup, turning to face Metro Man with a dubious look on his face.

"Um, well…this is all very sudden, and—" Megamind began, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

"Please madam!" Metro Man grasped his hand, looking up at his face with a look of utter rapture that silenced Megamind, stunned by the display of affection. "I love you! Please, would you give me this night to prove my love?" Megamind was left stupefied.

Metro Man, his arch nemesis and the poster boy of Metro City, was…asking him on a date? This wasn't what he expected at all. He'd expected to get closer to Roxanne, find out what she was afraid of so he could kidnap her again and actually scare her. Now, with Metro Man looking up from where he was kneeling at him with a look of such hope and adoration…oh, crab nuggets.

This wasn't good at all. But…Megamind's brain began to reformulate his plan. He could still get closer to Roxanne, albeit hopefully with a bit more success, but he could also figure out Metro Man's weakness! The plan was going swimmingly!

He looked down at Metro Man, eyes wide and reminding him of how Minion looked at him whenever he'd wanted something, or had gotten praise for doing something right. He sighed, raising his free arm to massage his forehead.

"Alright, I suppose we can—" and that was as far as he got before Metro Man kissed him.

He froze up, not exactly sure what he was supposed to do. Oh dear, this wasn't how the evening was supposed to progress! They were supposed to eat a nice dinner, chat about things, and Megamind would ask him a few key questions to figure out his weakness. But Metro Man's hands were traveling up his sides, one hand resting on the back of his head and the other on his hip. And—fish—he was a good kisser.

Megamind stubbornly kept his lips closed, but he trembled under the tender onslaught. Metro Man was running his tongue over his lips, silently beseeching him to open them, and pried them open when he brushed his thumb over the shell of his ear. With a gasp, Megamind's lips were open and Metro Man's tongue was in his mouth.

The feel of a warm, squishy thing in his mouth was slightly unpleasant, and he pushed on Metro Man's chest, murmuring his disapproval against his lips. Metro Man apparently didn't notice, or if he did, ignored it. Megamind prayed that the disguise generator would hold up under this; it was much more advanced than anything else he'd created, and the effect of realistic skin and hair had been difficult to program.

He felt a shock run through him, and Metro Man jerked back, his lips red and swollen, breathing heavily with dilated pupils. His brow was furrowed, as though unsure of the cause of the shock. Megamind took the moment to get back his breath, hoping that the program had allowed his lips to become just as swollen.

When Metro Man tried to come in for another kiss, he stopped him with a hand on his chest. "Now listen, hotshot," he hissed, angry that he'd let Metro Man get this far and relieved for the slight static shock that the disguise had caused, "I'm only still here because you asked nicely. Now I believe a first date is supposed to start with dinner and end with a kiss, not the other way around." At least, that's what happened in the romantic movies that Minion was so obsessed with.

Metro Man blinked, before pulling away, smoothing his costume before he looked back at Megamind, charming smile back on his face. "Of course, madam. Please, would you sit down so we can begin this pleasant evening?" He pulled out one of the chairs, and Megamind, still eyeing him warily, sat down, smoothing out his holo-skirt self-consciously. Metro Man seated himself in the chair on the other side of the table, propping his chin up on his hands, gazing adoringly at Megamind. Megamind arched an eyebrow.

"It's bad manners to rest your elbows on the table." Megamind applauded himself on his knowledge of human etiquette. Oh, Minion would be so happy, watching him make a buffoon out of Metro Man.

"Of course, of course." Metro Man said. He was beginning to sound a little like a parrot. He removed his elbows, still looking at Megamind like a love-struck idiot who wouldn't even react if he was being beaten with a baseball bat and listening to an amateur accordion player. Honestly, if Megamind had realized he was such an empty-headed moron he would've tried this idea sooner.

"So, what's you're name?" Megamind asked, picking up a wine glass that had suddenly appeared at the table, taking a sip of wine from it that seemed to come out of thin air. As impressive as Metro Man's super powers were, with his weakness against copper and knowledge of his secret identity, Megamind could pin him down and be done with him once and for all!

"Metro Man, madam!" He replied, and Megamind took a double-take, coughing on the mouthful of wine.

"W-what?!" he spluttered, incredulous.

"That's my name."

"No secret identity? Nothing?"

"No. Why would I need one? I'm a hero!" Megamind felt the irrational urge to smash his head against the table, and just decided to take a large drink from his glass.

"Oh! Do forgive me, my beautiful flower, but I never asked yours." Metro Man sheepishly said, his eyebrows lopsided and his mouth fixed in a lopsided grin that would probably make the heart of any young women flutter. Megamind shuddered. Did women really think that kind of face was attractive?

"My name is Carmen."

Metro Man sighed. "Carmen," he whispered, reverently. "What a beautiful name."

Megamind was still shocked that this was working. This was seriously all that was required to take down the most powerful super hero he knew? A pretty face and some attitude? Not surprising that Metro Man liked Roxanne.

"Please, my pretty little dove, won't you try the breadsticks?"

Said breadsticks had appeared on the table only seconds ago.

"I'm not your anything, yet. This is a test run." Megamind grabbed up a breadstick, practically brandishing it in Metro Man's direction. "You may be a superhero and all, but that doesn't mean you're boyfriend material."

"But I—"

"Hey let's admit it." Megamind rather enjoyed cutting him off. "You're hot, you're sexy, you're a superhero, which has perks of its own, but," Metro Man's mouth had been getting wider and wider at each compliment. He'd have to stop that. "You have no idea on how to woo a woman." And although this achieved his original goal of getting rid of Metro Man's smile, it replaced said smile with a look of determination he hadn't even seen when battling him.

"Then, madam," he resolutely replied, "I shall seek to woo you!"

Megamind barely contained a groan. He really didn't want to continue with this stupid ruse, considering now that they'd smashed lips together. Honestly, if he'd realized how stupid this guy was…

"Good luck on that, because I'm not going to go easy on you."

AND THUS THE EPIC ROMANCE BATTLE BEGINS!

And is also very weird and awkward and cute and hilarious.