Note: This was written in response to a kmeme prompt, which goes as follows:

I'm not the only one who wanted the ability to e-mail Kai Leng back, and I've seen a fic where Shepard *did*.
But given how awesome some of the crew are at trolling (like Wrex, Garrus and Javik with the Salarians), I'd love to see not just Shepard - but the crew - write back to Kai Leng/Cerberus and troll the heck out of them. For the LOLZ. And just because Kai Leng is a bastard.

WARNING: Final message from Garrus contains direct references to horizontal dances.

Re: Evacuating Thessia

From: Commander Shepard

Big words coming from the guy who needed a bigass gunship equipped with rockets to back him up against three soldiers on foot. Compensating for something? And relying on trash talk too. Really? Too bad, I expected better from you. Then again, you are Cerberus.

Shepard

P.S.: Oh, and thanks for your mail address. Hacking it was pretty simple. I've forwarded it to the rest of the crew. I hope your spam filter does its job better than you. Oh right, Cerberus doesn't provide those, do they?

You will regret that

From: Liara T'Soni

This isn't over.

Hair product

From: Samantha Traynor

To be honest, as much of a git as you are, I've always kind of admired your hair. It's so dark and catches the light in all the right places. Could you tell me what shampoo and conditioner brands you use? I've been trying Cosmos Wonder's Luxury range, but recently found out that I'm allergic to their morning glory-scented shampoo. Shame really, the smell seemed to make Officer Goldstein perk up every time I walked past.

Samantha

Masculinity

From: Garrus Vakarian

Who the hell uses a sword nowadays anyway? You do realise that we have things called guns now? Oh right, you don't have one, do you? Sorry, my mistake.

G

All your items are belong to us

From: Kenneth Donnelly and Gabriella Daniels

Hey, just thought we'd let you know that we've hacked your online Galaxy of Fantasy account. It's got some pretty wicked stuff. You've even got the Imperial Mythril Halberd! Most powerful weapon in the game, takes hours of grinding to get the raw materials to make it, and then a measly seven percent success rate at crafting. You must have spent hours to get it.

Well, it's ours now. Thanks.

Kenn and Gabby

Seriously? I mean, seriously?

From: Jeff Moreau

That visor of yours is really over the top. I mean, The Illusive Man's eyes doing the glowy thing were freaky enough, but that? Overkill, dude.

Joker

Muscles

From: James Vega

I'm still more buff than you AND I don't need cybernetics.

James, Adonis of the 22nd century

Cerberus scum

From: Ashley Williams

Trust Cerberus to use underhanded tactics like slapping a damned gunship on people. What? Too scared to take us on in a real fight? Coward.

Williams

Yours is a face only a mother could love

From: Dr. Karin Chakwas

Either you were born with it, or your facial reconstruction surgery was done by someone with less prowess than one such as myself. Either way, you got the short end of the stick.

Chakwas

You lovew everyome!1

From: Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

You do, dont yoy/ thats wjy you go thorugh alll rhis troun;e. Tou're sooooo sweeeeeet…. Ohh, I tink I had onew to many of thse red wine thngs. Its gtting ahrd to see tje scewwn. Feel so leepy I rhink ill jusr lie doen for az lit-

Tali

Enjoy

From: Kasumi Goto

Tali sent me your mail address and I've taken the liberty to leak it to the extranet (took me a while to make it out from all the gibberish, though. I think her omni-tool is glitching). Thought you would appreciate some fanmail. Oh, no need to thank me, it was my pleasure! And your firewall was ridiculously easy to hack. Remember not buy software from the black markets unless you know what you're doing.

Take care! And watch out for rats!

Kasumi

[No subject]

From: Asari High Command

We never forget our dues, and you owe us more than you can ever pay.

You would be wise to brace yourself.

Push-ups

From: Jacob Taylor

I bet I could do more than you.

You mad, bro?

Jacob

Dekuuna

From: Ambassador Calyn

With much anguish, you and your organisation are a blight to our galaxy. We will always remember you as murderer. You, who have torn down our homes, slaughtered our families and burned our children. Furiously, you have no place in this galaxy. Spitefully, you can tell your Illusive Maggot to eat his own foot.

Calyn

Thank you for subscribing to Inspiring Quotes of the Ages!

From: donotreply inspringquotes

Hello, [Kitty Litter (KL)]! We would like to offer our thanks and appreciations to your registration of an annual subscription to Inspiring Quotes! Your subscription has been given to you as a gift by [Shadow Broker]. For every half an hour, we will send you an inspiring quote from famous individuals and groups, both in real life and fiction, from many different eras! We hope you enjoy this service and find it in you to be as inspired as we are by these amazing quotes!

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Inspiring Quotes of the Ages

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Y U NO USE GUN?!

From: MiamiBabes959

WHAT KIND OF BLOODY ATTACK POWER WILL YOU HAVE, EVEN MY KID NEPHEWS TOY OMNI-PISTOL IS MORE EFFECTIVE THAN THAT MADE IN CHINA SHIT

NOW I CAN'T TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

Commander Shepard

From: Conrad Verner

You can try all you want, but you'll never be as great as Shepard. You're just a wannabe. I was like that some time ago, too. But eventually, you'll realise how great the commander is and you can never hold a candle to her. This fantasy of being a hero and saving the galaxy, it's just all in our heads. Give it up. It's not easy, I understand. Believe me, I do. In the end, the best we can do to help is do what we can and let the commander work her magic and save the day like she always does. Remember, if you're having a hard time giving up the fantasy, you can always talk to me. Here's my mail address.

Your new friend,

Conrad

[AUTOPLAY: You can fight like a krogan, run like a leopard but you can never be better than Commander Sh-]

[MESSAGE DELETED]

Inspiring Quote!

From: donotreply inspringquotes

Hello, Kitty Litter! This is your new inspiring quote:

"BORN TO BE WIIIIIIIIIIILD!" – Steppenwolf (human, 1968, Earth)

Thank you for subscribing to Inspiring Quotes of the Ages! Your next inspiring quote will be ready in another thirty galactic standard minutes!

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Special delivery

From: EDI

Hello, Kai Leng. The phrase, 'I hope you are doing well' is reportedly supposed to follow typical human greeting as a gesture of politeness, but I am neither inclined to wish you good health nor am I willing to be more polite to you than absolutely necessary. Hence, I will not use that phrase. I have actually been instructed to call you by your new nickname, 'Kitty Litter'. It was coined by Joker who thought it was rather fitting and it suited your initials quite perfectly. I think I agree with him.

I have herein attached a part of Joker's porn collection. I will find it amusing to know how you explain to your xenophobic superiors why you have 5 zettabytes worth of alien pornographic material on your personal servers.

I look forward to our next meeting.

EDI

Fun times

From: Garrus Vakarian

Here, a vid we thought you might be interested in. It's in the attachments. For your eyes only.

G

ATTACHED: REC-00342

[DOWNLOADING FILE…]

[DOWNLOADED TO DOWNLOADS FOLDER]

[OPENING FILE…]

[PLAY]

"Unh… Ah! G-Garrus! Ah!– Close… Haa! Garrus, I'm so close– "

"Hng! Sh-Shepard! I– Hn!"

"AH! I – Ungh – I'm almost– GARRUS!"

"SHEP– !"

[PAUSE]

[EXIT]

[DELETING FILE]

[FILE DELETED]

A/N: Well, there it goes! :D The prompt looked fun, so I thought I would pick it up. I thought I could do maybe a one-chapter thing, but I realised the potential for this to go on indefinitely (I was pretty mad at Kitty Litter too). So there probably will be subsequent chapters, though I can't promise regular updates especially right now when the Reality server has a huge boss fight coming up.

I couldn't resist adding the last one. :D

With hope I will continue this soon,

Kasumi

P.S.: Tali's message for those who couldn't make out her drunken keyboard smashing ( :P ) :

You love everyone!

From: Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

You do, don't you? That's why you go through all this trouble. You're sooooo sweeeeeet…. Oh, I think I had one too many of those red wine things. Its getting hard to see the screen. Feel so sleepy, I think I'll just lie down for a lit

Tali