There isn't anything that Mickey wouldn't do. Maybe. Probably. That's a lie. There's a lot of things he wouldn't do, but he likes to tell himself that he is invincible. Because if he tells himself enough times then maybe he will believe it.

Just like he believes that if he says he's not gay and if he says he's not in love with Gallagher, he thinks – or is it hopes – that one of them will believe it eventually. And maybe the worst part of it is, he knows which one of them he's trying to convince more and it isn't the redhead.

He likes to tell himself that when he doesn't finish sentences like, "Don't…" and "Just…" that it's because he chooses not to. He tells himself it's all because of choices he makes, it's all his decision, except when thinks happen that he doesn't want to admit are all his fault, he blames Gallagher instead.

So maybe he's inconsistent. Maybe he's the biggest liar out there. Maybe he already knows that, has known it for a long time.

Mickey likes to think that he defends Mandy and hurts people who hurt Mandy because she's his little sister and that's his job and he flat out refuses to think that it's because he thinks maybe it could somehow could as compensation for all the fucked up shit he does. That's one of the things that he is so close to believing: that he can be selfless for Mandy.

When really, if he was selfless where she was concerned. None of this would ever have happened with Ian Gallagher in the first place. He can see that Mandy cares for him in a way that's more than friendship, that's more than fake boyfriend-girlfriend crap. He can see it, of course he can, he isn't blind. But does he pull back, does he stop and tell Ian no when he's putting his hands on Mickey's hips and his teeth in Mickey's shoulder?

Does he fuck! Mickey's selfish, he's always been selfish and he tells himself on those days when he maybe feels guilty about it all that Mandy always got the good stuff anyway, so this was his turn.

Then he remembers Mandy always screaming at him that he breaks everything he ever touches when he's crushing the head of her doll under his foot. He doesn't want to break Gallagher, he thinks he already has and that right there is a sour taste in his mouth.

So maybe he isn't selfless where Mandy is concerned, maybe he's only defending her because he should, not because he wants to. Because if he really wanted to look after Mandy, he'd hightail it away from Gallagher like his ass was on fire. Finding out about them would cut her deep in a way that's so much worse than some random guy calling her a skank.

And Mickey fucking knows that. That's the fucked up part.

When she does find out, when she does let him know that she knows, Mickey thinks he doesn't look her in the eyes because he doesn't want her to think that they need to be having some fucked up sissy conversation. It's not because he can see the pain etched there, the betrayal, it's not.

Mickey likes to tell himself that it's self-preservation, not cowardice that has him watching that bus drive away without moving those few paces forwards and telling Gallagher to get his fucking ass back over to where he belongs. Because it isn't on that bus.

He even tells himself that maybe this is the better option, possibly, because Gallagher's getting out after all. But then he gets this image of Gallagher lying dead in a pool of his own blood, bullets torn through his gut and Mickey wants to throw up. He knows the army most likely won't be better for Ian Gallagher at all.

Still, Mickey carries on telling himself things and thinking and wishing that maybe one day he'll believe it all. But maybe the biggest secret out there, the biggest secret that he has and the one he's always going to guard is that Mickey knows full fucking well that everything he's telling himself is bullshit.

But Mickey's been living off of lies far too long to try and change now.